Monday, August 26, 2013

How to Be a Creeper

Today's post is one for the gentlemen, specifically, you single fellas currently on the prowl for love. Are you worried that you're too much of a "nice guy"? Well, that's because Mrs. Right wants someone who's intense. In your face. Unyielding. With our help, you'll learn that no never really means no. Just follow these three simple tips and you'll be drowning in the ladies in no time.

Because women just love the creepers.

1) Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
Yes, everyone knows that the fairer sex loves to receive compliments. Don't we all? But what you probably didn't know is that compliments are like hand grenades. The more of them you graciously lob at your prospective lady, the more likely she is to remember you.




Remember, the more creative they are, the better.

Oh, and don't forget, you don't want to hit on a married woman. That's just not cool. So always make sure that you inquire about her relationship status. And trust us when we say that women really appreciate you hinting at this in a clever, subtle way.



2) Follow, Follow, Follow
Again, it's no secret that sometimes women like to play hard-to-get. It's a love game that reaches so far back in history that it's even credited with the invention of the caveman's first billyclub. Basically, you virile stallion, what we're trying to say here is that women love to be followed around. It doesn't matter when or where, if you've got your eye on a sweet young honey, feel free to let her know how interested you are by demonstrating the stamina of your persistence.







3) Never Break Eye Contact. Ever.
Much like a job interview, or that important meeting with your boss, eye contact is crucial. Except in the game of love, the position at stake is much more important. It will likely be reverse cowgirl, or maybe even doggy-style. Therefore, you can't afford screw up. Don't let your attention wander from her lovely eyes for even a second. Not even to ogle her breasts. After all, you're no amateur. You're a gentleman.





There you have it, you newly christened ladykillers. The most important list of dating tips you've never read anywhere else. Adhere to these guidelines and you'll have heads turning in no time. And worry not if they're turning away from you, because you know exactly what that means. Follow, follow, follow!

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

P.S. We don't actually condone any of the above behavior. Please don't call us from jail. We know you need it but we're not putting any more lube money in your commissary account.

Beer: Colorojo
Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

78 comments:

  1. I'm glad I'm married. I would so screw this up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't let that spark fizzle. You can still do this to your wife. I think she'd really appreciate it.

      Delete
  2. Yep, that's pretty much how I hooked Boyfriend.

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  3. We are supposed to read that first creeper as Vincent Price, right? All men are considered creepers until proven otherwise, that is the societal paradigm the betesticled have established from years of patriarchal tomfoolery. Any compliment from a man must be treated with mistrust as 99% of the time it comes from a place of perversion. This we know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, not just for this comment, but for introducing 'betesticled' into my everyday vocabulary.

      Delete
  4. The face under the bathroom stall made me spit out my coffee. Best creeper move by far.

    I must forward this onto my little brother. I'm certain if he had all of these tips in his arsenal to tap into, there is no way he would still be single :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, boy. I hope I never become single again. I look hideous in purple sweaters, and my eyes tend to tear up when I maintain eye contact with someone for an extended amount of time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My eyes just tend to tear up from all of that mace.

      Delete
  6. Damn and here I thought you would post bail for me lol the bathroom stall one was the best. But women can be just as much of a creepy follower too.

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  7. The bathroom reminded me of a story a co-worker told me. Apparently she was in the stall and there was a woman calling a "Susan" (her name is LuAnn) constantly, so she peaks her head under the stall and says "you're not Susan".

    And then she tried to have a conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have noticed that any guy who uses the term "ladies" is... going to be a problem. You know, he walks up to a group of women at work and feels the need to say the word, "Ladies..." for no particular reason.

    Maybe it's just that word hasn't been used since like 1953 and when a 25 year old uses it, it becomes... weird.

    Or maybe I'm just too sensitive to a point that is tangential to that of the blog post.

    Seriously though, guys. Don't use the term ladies unless you're announcing something and it's followed by "and gentlemen!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "If you want to look like a creep, just add the word 'ladies' at the end of anything you say. Even if it's completely harmless.

      'Help, I've fallen into a well and I'm trapped... ladies. Yeah, come on in, it's like a Jacuzzi with really high walls."

      -Demetri Martin

      Delete
  9. LOL! The bathroom part particularly hilarious. Now that I'm on my own for the first time in my life, I'm out in that vast land of single people. It's scary. The rules have changed. I find the only courage I can conjure to venture out is after four Cap't Morgans. I'll be a full-blown alchy by the time I meet someone. And who will want a lush except another lush? Any tips?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, worry not. Creepers love the drunk ladies. Something about bad decision making and not thinking clearly. And really, isn't that how all good love stories begin?

      Delete
  10. I don't really need much help in being a creeper. I'm already well versed and well practiced in the art of forbidden (read; unrequited) love. They do love me, they just don't know it yet. That's the main thing to keep telling yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hmm...
    Where's my notebook? I need to take notes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, absolutely. A real creeper shows up to the date with a notepad FULL of things that you wrote down about her. Women love when you do your research on them. They also prefer it when you call it "research" instead of "stalking."

      Delete
  12. I once had a guy hitting on me all night he just wouldn't leave me alone. I tried everything. I danced with my girlfriend - it turned him on. I ignored him - he felt challenged. I escaped into the bathroom - he waited for me outside. He must have gotten his advice from you guys. The kicker - he was a Mexican midget. True story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So it was Bryan hitting on you then? It's the Mexican midget that is the tell tale sign!

      Delete
    2. It couldn't have been me. I'm only half. (Half Mexican AND half midget. Fun fact: My great grandpa was 4 foot 10 and called "Shorty Pedas", but he married a woman who was 5 foot 10, so... thankfully I inherited her height instead of his)

      Delete
    3. Well two halves don't always make a whole but it does take you out of the suspect line-up.

      Delete
  13. The blonde haired babe with the zits needs to hook up with the red haired zit faced bathroom creeper. They would have lovely children.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I need this post not just as a reminder but a 100% forwardworthy and facebookpostworthy.

    Just few creeper techniques
    1. Start liking pictures 3-5 years old at 2am or 3am.
    2. Comment on every single post
    3.send email or call discuss important details like
    - ladybug in your garden
    - forgetting your bike helmet
    - number of pushups and how many mils you ran
    - send random evite to watch movie in rooftop.

    Flirting or flattering shouldn't start unless you get green signal from other side.
    stalking is a form of flattery ideas my belief until I became victim of one. That is enough to scare the shit out of me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, and in addition to liking every picture from 3-5 years ago, don't forget to comment on all of those pictures with something like "You're so beautiful," over and over again, even her wedding pictures with her husband. He is merely an obstacle.

      Delete
    2. Totally. And the world should know when you are hitting on a woman. She would absolutely love it.
      In my case, when I blocked the first stalker, I got calls, emails and Skype from people in three continents requesting me to unblock him - he had been torturing them till they made the call.
      One was from my old friend - "I didn't know he did all that, when you think after all married, mummified, ballon tummied with two kids these nutjobs would stop hitting on you - but too bad - this doesn't care about age, looks or anything" - I was on cloud nine hearing that.
      Husband in my case - I dunno he is like you in your cartoon "Davey" in other post - it is all fun for him - "you should have married him , whether he is crazy or not he is crazy about you"

      Delete
  15. Thanks to Pickleope, my new word of the day is "betesticled."

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, shoot! BEER BOYS, here I thought I was going to learn some new techniques with this post but I have been using ALL of those 'Wannabe Loved' tactics for decades and decades. In fact, for all of my single life... which translates to "my entire life".

    Do you have any 'Advanced' things to teach for the single man who has already mastered all of these 101 techniques and yet is still unmarried and unloved?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you tried/considered kidnapping? Stockholm Syndrome is, like, pretty much a proven fact.

      Delete
  17. So staring is a good thing? I must be doing it wrong because I stare at tits and ass all day long but the women keep giving me shit looks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're giving you looks because you keep staring but you don't act upon it. Stop being such a little girl!

      Delete
    2. Ha!-Ha! :-)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. It must be the shades, hiding my "come hither" eyes. That or it's because I'm married and live in a small town where word travels fast.

      Delete
  18. Don't worry they work.....it's how I'm not alone........any more.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I had always wondered how to skillfully asked if she's married. Looking at her hands is kind of creepy especially if she's moving them around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sunglasses are good, especially indoors. You look extra smooth, and you can ogle her hands AND her boobs without her ever knowing. So slick.

      Delete
  20. Is this your way of making sure my awkward dating posts continue to happen???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If fear doesn't keep a person motivated, I don't know what does.

      Delete
  21. Haha, nothing has changed since I was single and dating.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I agree with jaybird...that picture of the guy peeking under the stall is a laugh riot.

    Not to quibble over your advice because, frankly, I am so old and out of touch on how relationships work anymore, BUT surely....compliments don't score any points. Don't most women realize a guy would say anything to get her into bed? Don't we just assume he is a lying sack of sh**.

    I am thinking that I had the right approach...ok maybe not...but way back when, I looked around at the field of guys and picked out the very best looking one I could find. Then I got married as a teenager because that is a really intelligent thing to do. Seems that it wasn't the worst plan in the world...next week we are celebrating our 42nd anniversary. He better not follow, follow, follow me incessantly or go around staring at me. In those cases, there might not be a 43rd anniversary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Personality is completely overrated, and thank you for verifying this for us.

      Delete
  23. You know, even with the disclaimer you guys might want to screen your calls for a while. I've got a feeling that the jails are about to become overpopulated with creepers all too soon, because we all know that for every person that reads this post and says: "Hahaha! What an amusing joke!" At least one other person is nodding along and saying: "Yeah, yeah! This stuff is GENIUS! Why didn't I think of it before?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just think: somewhere out there is a person who has listened to EVERYTHING we've EVER said... and has taken it completely to heart. You know there is. And you know what? I want to meet this person. I'm not even ashamed to say it. I bet that'd be a blog post all on its own.

      Delete
    2. Just the thought that such a person exists frightens me, just a bit...but then morbid curiosity takes over...

      Delete
  24. hehehe..this is funny although a friend of mine was ardently pursued by someone, whose behaviour I would call stalkerish, and they dated for about 4 years! It just freaked me out after what he did but she didnt seem bothered. So i guess i am saying that your advice might work on some ladies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 60% of the time it works every time time...

      Delete
    2. Yogi Berra couldn't have said it any better.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  25. This post is very true-to-life, very well done. It's bewildering that so many impotent jackasses believe they're 'virile stallions' (great term, made me laugh). I hope this post doesn't mean your wife is having problems at work again.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to my report (from following her constantly) everything is good. Also, according to this DNA swab, she's healthy. And not related to me. So life is pretty good.

      Delete
  26. Hmm...so THAT's what I have been doing wrong all these years!

    LC

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  27. I'm a girl so none of this applies to me. I'm going to forget all this stuff because girls NEVER EVER EVER want to know what a guy is thinking or feeling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This works for girls, too. Guys love when you follow them everywhere and stare at them and tell them about their child bearing hips.

      Delete
  28. Women also really like unsolicited back rubs all the time. At work, in the elevator, Subway lunch line, it's all good.

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  29. I cracked up when somehow the guy ended up BEING INSIDE OF HER PURSE hahaha, love this post! The sad thing is that there's some guys out there who actually get on like this. I even think that in the past some of my "attraction techniques," have been below par, especially when I was younger,t his is a handy guide of what not to do for sure!

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  30. Can we make "Caveman-ing"the next planking?
    Wherein men just straight up club women over the head. This would be significantly better than any blind date I've had to snore through.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh Lord, was that the guy who threw your grandma down the escalator? He turns up like a bad penny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfortunately he's about as good at dating as he is at escorting grandmas through airports. How she was able to resist his charms is beyond me.

      Delete
  32. Ha, ha, ha! I'm pretty sure I know thus guy!

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  33. The scary thing is I'm sure I've been hit on by each of these guys.

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  34. Hey guys, just letting you know that I am currently in prison after following your dating advice. Oh, you said NOT to contact you from prison, my mistake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On the upside, at least you got sent to a prison with Internet access. I assume that means the food's a little better and broomstick beatings are kept to a minimum.

      Delete
  35. I definitely used all of these moves to snag my boyfriend... x

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  36. I may have to share this with my brother in law. He seems to have trouble finding a date. This could be just what he needs.
    Personally, I don't think being 40 and living in his mother's basement helps, but this is a good start.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I had an interested suitor repeatedly tell me that he dreamed of trying to impregnate my breasts. This man is now my fiance.

    So basically my point is: good work, guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right folks, just listen to this shining testimonial! Guaranteed results!*

      *results not guaranteed

      Delete
  38. I've seen people followed right into the bathroom before, desperation

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  39. Creepy never worked well for me. I guess I was never very convincing.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  40. Did you follow me down the street when I lived in NY? Because these were a bit too realistic! I'm still amazed what some idiots think is attractive.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Finally! Someone being completely honest about what a woman wants. I hope word spreads because any of the above would work on me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fantastic! If you just want to post your home address, telephone number, and social security number, we'll send all of these interested fellas straight to your door.

      Delete
  42. Scary thing is, this is so very true of so many guys out there.

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  43. I always thought they said no because I would ask them in drag. I'll definitely get a better response if I try these tips out instead.

    I don't have your numbers to call you from jail with. You should fix that.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Now, coming off of a summer of romance novel reading, I'm wondering if you were reading romance novels, too, because those alpha males do pretty much all of these things! Somehow in real life, it's not so hot, though. Shocking.

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  45. I will give your good advice a try.
    My current date is 36-24-36, and her other leg is almost the same. I don't think she's into me that much.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Beer Boys, this is a perfect segue to my latest Women of a Certain Age post. Do stop by. Your commentary is always spot on...except when it's not.

    ReplyDelete