Thursday, August 8, 2013

Disney Presents: Planes, Trains, and Googly Eyes

This weekend will see the opening of the new Disney movie Planes, which stars everyone's (least) favorite comedian Dane Cook as a plane with googly eyes that just wants to be an air racer, and all of the planes can fly themselves, or something stupid like that.


It's an indirect sequel to Disney's Cars, where everyone's (least) favorite nasally surfer-dude Owen Wilson stars as a car with googly eyes that wants to race in NASCAR. And all the cars can drive themselves. Or some such bullshit. But regardless, Disney's discovered a great formula to please small children (which, let's face it, obviously isn't hard), and they've been milking the ever-loving shit out of it.

So in the interest of selling out and making millions of dollars, we're going to take this same formula and start writing for Disney. It's easy--just take a celebrity that people don't really like, add googly eyes to a kid's toy, and make it an underdog in some kind of racing competition!

Pitch Idea #1:
Bicycles 

(Un)funnyman Adam Sandler stars as Rusty, a tricycle that wishes he could be a BMX bike racer like all of his friends!



Co-starring Larry the Cable Guy as Landfill, the dopey but (not very) lovable tricycle that helps Rusty out, or cheers him on, or some kind of bullshit like that! It doesn't matter because your kids will eat this slop up like sugary cereal anyway!

Pitch Idea #2:
Boats

Everyone's favorite F-lister turned swamp monster Kathy Griffin stars as Dumpy the Tugboat, who wants nothing more than to race with the jet skis!



Co-starring Rosie O'Donnell as the angry manatee that teaches the tugboat how to swim. Or how to love. Or something stupid like that. Your kids will still beg you to see it and you know it.

Pitch Idea #3:
Easy Bake Ovens

We most definitely have not forgotten about the girls! Don't like cars and planes and boats and bikes, little girls? Okay, then what about staying in the kitchen where you belong? That's right, what Easy Bake Ovens lacks in creativity it more than makes up for with blatant sexism!

This instant classic stars everyone's favorite night-vision sperm dumpster Paris Hilton as Bakey the Easy Bake Oven, a tiny light-bulb powered oven that just wants to enter the big baking competition like the brand new GE Double Wall Oven*

*Movie shamelessly sponsored by GE




Co-starring Nicholas Cage as a wood burning stove that teaches Bakey the true meaning of Christmas. Or whatever. Those small details don't matter! Your little girls will pay millions of (your) dollars to see this movie and they will love it!

Pitch Idea #4
Trailer Homes

What about the poor children whose parents can't afford planes, or boats, or cars? That's right, there's Disney's Trailer Homes!

This masterpiece stars no-longer relevant (and Kathy Griffin's lesbian sister lookalike) Carrot Top as Cletus the Mobile Home, who just wants to race in NASCAR like all of his friends!



No, wait, actually we can't pitch this one. Disney doesn't market to poor children.

The other 3 are solid gold, though. Did we miss any? Pogo sticks? Mopeds? Segways?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Du Tonc
Beer: Avalanche



76 comments:

  1. Wait, is planes a real movie? I haven't seen one commercial about it! AND I WATCH A LOT OF TV, BUDDY.

    Also "dumpy the tugboat" made me giggle.

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    Replies
    1. How have you not? I've seen boatloads of commercials for it, and I don't even subscribe to TV anymore.

      Get it? Boatloads? The boats probably all have googly eyes, or something stupid like that...

      Delete
  2. Hopefully this craze will pass over soon. I remember when Finding Nemo out, every production company jumped on the bandwagon of making movies about underwater talking critters (Shark Tale, The Dolphin, etc).

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  3. As the grandmother of a 5 year old, I can attest that you are sitting on gold with those ideas. Well...maybe not the Easy Bake oven as my grandson wouldn't care about that. (I might though as I think GE convection ovens might seriously kick some Easy Bake ass)

    I don't think the trailer home movie is out of the question. Disney wouldn't have a problem selling little licensed toys to put into Happy Meals at McDonald's. Even poor people buy Happy Meals don't they?

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    1. They do, but the money isn't in Happy Meal toys. Those are essentially free. Happy Meal toys are used to whet a little kid's appetite so they'll want the big, overpriced toys at The Disney Store. Because really, who wants an inch tall Dusty the Plane figurine when you can have the fully painted, foot long version (that talks and has a battery powered propeller) for only $49.99?

      Delete
  4. The last few photos of this made me laugh so damn hard but I'm in complete agreement with you here guys, Planes is an absolute joke, a blatant show that Disney really is willing to rehash the same nonsense over and over again without feeling a shred of remorse, it's ridiculous!

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  5. What is a easy bake oven? Is it easy for other ovens?

    The planes look slightly like the cars, at least the one image I saw. They might have just used all the original images from cars and slapped on some wings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing easy about baking something with a light bulb. That oven is a lie.

      Delete
  6. Disney bought Lucas films. Can you imagine the horror that awaits us when they put eyes like that on Darth Vader?

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    Replies
    1. This Summer... the Millennium Falcon just wants to be a pod racer like all of its friends, but it's too big and bulky! So with a little help from an Ewok named Stinky...

      Delete
  7. I know Planes is strictly Disney rather than Pixar (who did Cars and Cars 2), but Pixar's quality has taken a real nosedive lately. They seem to be relying on sequels far too much all of a sudden. Monsters University was a real letdown and I expect their Finding Nemo sequel (Finding Dory?) isn't going to set the world on fire. Since their output used to be consistently great, it just seems such a shame.

    Yes, I am an adult male complaining about the quality of children's films. My point is still valid!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can still go back and watch the Lion King and enjoy that shit. Yeah, I can admit it. That movie was a masterpiece. Monsters University and Planes and Finding Dory? Not so much.

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  8. Cars is so popular among the kids, I suppose Planes will be the same. Cars and C2 are the few Pixar films I've never seen.

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  9. I resent that trailer pitch as I am a broke American....who lives in a trailer!

    Fuck you guys and your Disney sell out bullshit! I'm filing suit against your stereo-typing offensive garbage!

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    Replies
    1. You have to admit, a trailer with googly eyes racing in NASCAR and (literally) crushing all of these race cars (into a thousand pieces) would make for a pretty great movie...

      Delete
    2. I can't argue with that! But I'm still disgruntled! Well unless my trailer is selected to be the star of the show and makes millions from the movie...it's either that or I'm suing you guys!

      Delete
  10. Hey, you forgot the biggest blockbuster of all. "Ka-Ching" is all about cash registers with googly eyes. Lindsay Lohan stars. Her googly eyes are "natural."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "We need this cash register to sound like it's been smoking for 50 years, has no will to live, and is dead inside. Someone get me Lindsay Lohan!"

      Delete
  11. Horrors! You picked on Adam Sandler AND Owen Wilson in one post??!! Will I ever recover from this travesty? I can only hope.

    I'll be baking a cake in my EZ Bake oven wishing it were GE Super Deluxe Oven trying to overcome my sadness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you've seen any Adam Sandler movie made in the last 8-10 years, you know that he deserves to be picked on. South Park called it.

      A.W.E.S.O.M-O: "Idea for a movie: Adam Sandler is like in love with some girl. But it turns out that the girl is actually a golden retriever or something. We'll call it, like, "Puppy Love" or something."

      Delete
    2. I totally disagree! What about Reign On me? Great movie! And, what about Grown Ups, Bedtime Stories, Chuck and Larry? I prefer not to discuss Jack and Jill, That's My Boy, Funny Peoplem hmmm....never mind....you were saying??

      Delete
    3. Hilarious! Oh my! I need to start watching South Park again. That had me rolling. Steamy Ray Vaughn was the best.

      Delete
  12. Hahaha. Actually in Netflix you have all these except the kitchen gadgets from China or some other outsourced country.
    Pixar and Disney is like comparing apples and oranges. I agree with Addman and I am more qualified than him because I took mortgage on my house to buy those cars from cars and cars2 and second mortgage to buy the DVDs, bluray etc.,

    Disney - I don't understand why people and kids like or love Disney. Violated while sleeping Aurora, little people abuser snow-white, dish washing maid Cinderella, Stockholm syndrome Bella - how are these princesses role models for young women? Seriously all they need to do in lady-in-waiting with makeup on and prince will come and rescue them.

    My son's classmates when boys scream at gals "girls are stupid, they can never match boys" no gal takes offense just use "p" word , "you aren't pretty enough" then starts the bloodshed, waterworks and all that.

    Ideally Disney should pay reparation to all the women violated, abused, and the bridezillas, highmaintenance Chicks and those wannabes.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. What about the movie where the Asian girl dressed up like a boy to be in the military and made her commander repress all of his pent up gay feelings for her? That was, uh, role-model-ish.

      Delete
    2. I didn't understand and don't have any idea about the movie you are talking about. That's good or bad?

      Any chance this movie was released pre-DADT and Disney had to do a homophobic reverse "song of the south " thingy?

      Boy version of Asian gal had stache? If so I wouldn't blame the commander . a man with a stache in any month other than November is just using a different option instead of wearing "I am gay" shirt. Right?

      Delete
    3. Ok, you win. Let me watch the movie. as long as she doesn't do this for any of these reasons ie she obeys her dad's wish or does this to save her crippled husband's life or brother's dead bed promise i would consider her a role model.

      And I wonder why i cannot find Mulan costume anywhere. I even once went to Jasmine theme party and never Mulan themed parties.
      :(

      Delete
    4. Ok, Mulan was different and cool. But couldn't ignore "save dad thing".

      See, in India we do have some "inspirational women stories" if I need to simplify the message - women can be badbass only when they have the "permission of any of male member in their family else she can't be a "good girl and no guy should marry her"
      Like all those burqa feminists who fight for their "right to wear burqa after getting permission from their dads, husband, brothers and mosque priests"


      Imagine if I call myself feminist and fight for my right to burn myself in the pyre of my husband - the "sati" thing. :)


      Some of the women taught as role models to us

      Shilavathi - she marries a senile diseased leper womanizer and she stops the sunrise to stop her husband from dying.
      Sita - Ramayan heroine, in order to prove her chasity she burns herself alive in fire and comes out "pure" after she is rescued from kidnap.
      Gangari - she is tricked into marrying a blind king in her arranged marriage thing and she willful ties a cloth covering her eyes thus giving up the sight to view the beautiful world her husband who she never sees till her end of life. Yep, she marries that guy blindfolded and had never seen him but just heard that he is blind man but "love at first not even sight but first sound ABOUT him.

      And most of all,

      Kanaki - this Tamil woman burns the entire city but chopping her left boob to avenge her womaniser, philander husband's wrongful death by the king. Her husband was caught while he was trying to pawn her golden anklets.

      Delete
  13. LOL anything with Rosanne I will go to the theater just to burn it down. If I can save one child from her voice it is worth the jail time.

    Wouldn't the third one be a deranged remake of The Brave little toaster? Don't go into remake territory or the cat will never forgive you.

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  14. Oh, BEER BOYS, this is one for the 'Best Of...' collection!

    The name "Rusty"... right away I knew this was going to be an especially inspired blog bit.

    >>... It doesn't matter because your kids will eat this slop up like sugary cereal anyway!

    That immediately reminded me of Calvin And Hobbes and Calvin's favorite breakfast cereal 'Chocolate Covered Sugar Bombs'. There's one where Hobbes takes a bite and nearly chokes: "Awwkkk! SWEET!" Calvin says: Actually, they're pretty bland until you pour some sugar on 'em.

    >>... Co-starring Rosie O'Donnell as the angry manatee

    Oh, shit, that's CLASSIC!

    >>... Co-starring Nicholas Cage as a wood burning stove that teaches Bakey the true meaning of Christmas. Or whatever.

    GOL! Best laugh in the whole thing. Gotta find a way to work "the true meaning of Christmas" in there (I mean, the "true meaning" minus that part about Jesus and Crucifixion and Resurrection and Salvation and all that other "religious" stuff). Just think about all the Christmas cookies Bakey can bake in order to spread the true "sugary" meaning of Christmas around.

    One of the best of the Best Of ABFTS.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hay-soos? Who's Hay-soos? Is that the guy who makes those really good tamales?

      Delete
    2. No, no, it's the dude who cuts my lawn.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  15. U guys not worry somebody could steal your movie ideas? Personally, the trailer was my favorite, but I can see your individualistic, independent against public transportation true spirit rearing its ugly head here, what, no story about a train or subway? :)

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    Replies
    1. Subways: Jack Black stars as Tracks, the little Subway car that just wants to run in the Kentucky Derby. With a little help from a mule named Barfy (voiced by Tom Arnold), Tracks will learn exactly what it takes to become a horse and win the big race against Seabiscuit.

      Delete
  16. OMG you guys are hilarious. I love Rusty, I think you are really onto somethign there. @Patt Hatt - You're Brave Little Toaster comment made me laugh so hard. I totally forgot about that movie. I think it scarred me for life as a kid.

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  17. I think I may have peed myself, just a little. (wipes eyes) That was the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

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  18. The pedals are like tiny bike feet rusty uses to swim through the air. Disney logic right there... right?
    Also, don't forget to include some creepy-ass scene where Rusty loses one of his wheels and magically transforms into a racing bike. Got to keep the conspiracy theorists going.

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    Replies
    1. "Rusty, you were a bike all along! You just had to believe! Also, you had to lose one tire because, you know, three tires = tricycle, two tires = bicycle. Either way, it's a Christmas miracle!"

      Delete
  19. Adam Sandler and Larry the Cable Guy have never been so almost funny. This is great. Disney should stick with their billions from their magic kingdoms, instead of doing cheap rip-offs of Pixar (Pixar did the original Cars, right?) or anyone else with talent or humor.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Pixar did the original Cars, but now Pixar has sold out just as much as Disney because they've merged on all of these terrible new rip-offs.

      However, I think we should have all seen this coming when Pixar wanted to put Larry the Cable Guy as one of the stars of Cars... It was always straight downhill from there.

      Delete
    2. That I did not know. It's disheartening. More reasons to boycott Pixar too. What are parents to do? Actually take their kids outside and play with them??

      Delete
  20. Why not a movie where Rusty and Bakey team up with the vampires to fight the sharquake-zombie apocalypse?

    LC

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    Replies
    1. I don't care what you're doing right this moment. You need to walk up to your boss, hand in your resignation, and immediately go work for Hollywood. Whatever job you have now, you are clearly in the wrong field.

      Delete
    2. Coming soon...Zombie Dust Storm

      Delete
  21. And don't forget that all of the main characters have brilliant fathers and their mothers are all either dead or evil step-mothers.

    I had not heard of "Planes" until now (yes I live in a vacuum) so thank you for bringing it to my attention so that my view of Disney can drop (a seemingly impossible) notch on the respect later.

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  22. I would happily watch any of those.

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  23. I swore I would never watch another Adam Sandler movie but I guess seeing him as a trike wouldn't be so bad. And I do want to support you guys. You must need the money badly since you sold out to Disney so I guess I'll go watch...

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  24. You totally forgot the classic throwback movie about Skippy the spunky Skip-It that teams up with an unpopular little girl to win the National Skip-It Competition and then go on to compete in the Worldwide Skip-It Olympics. Pure gold!

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  25. Hahahaha I so needed this laugh today :P! Adam Sandler in Bikes just cracked me up XD.

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  26. You nailed it with Kathy Griffin and Carrot Top as her lesbian sister lookalike. I wish Kathy and Carrot Top would both get on a sinking tugboat never to be heard from again until some brave scuba diver finds the wreckage some 500 years from now. The plastic in their faces might still be salvageable.

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  27. Christ these ideas made me bring up a little bile, Hollywood will now steal these ideas and they will be made you fools!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And we won't get a damn penny off of it. We suck at this whole money thing. :(

      Delete
  28. I'm not even sure who Dane Cook is. Looking down the list of things he's been in, I -might- have seen one of those.

    You left out 'Mater, the trans... um... transsomething, car turned airplane that just wants to fly backwards in a race.

    (I like Owen Wilson.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Transformer? Transatlantic? Transgender?

      Delete
    2. Transylvania? No... that brings us back to DiscDude's vampires and zombie apocalypse, and that movie was filmed, like, 13 comments ago.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  29. My vote when I announced the Planes movie was for Segways. Maybe Lady Gaga could sing in it.
    How about Lint: The Movie? Lint wants to be an angora sweater one day...
    Disney needs to hire you guys.
    Sorry so late. At the beach. We've determined Mini-Alex doesn't like sand...

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  30. I once put googly eyes on a phone handset, because it looked like a weird snake thing. But then I got paranoid that my ears weren't clean enough and my phone would think I was gross.

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  31. I haven't seen Cars. And I probably won't see Planes. But I would totally watch Bicycles!!!

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  32. That easy-bake oven thing was a bit sexist!

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  33. I would totally watch all of these, rather than Planes!

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  34. I was contemplating the inevitability of Tricycle: The Movie, when suddenly I noticed that both the blonde dad's hair part and the dog photo in the background had both flipped sides. AND his beer has switched hands! Creepy! Hidden clue or tricky MS Paint manipulations? Hmmm.....

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  35. Ok, simply because Nic Cage is in "EZ Bake Ovens" is enough reason for me to watch it.

    I just want to hear him scream about something, anything. I hope he catches on fire.

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  36. Anything with Cage needs to be watched from a great distance or not at all

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  37. Nice wrap up guys. Disney should hire you to market their movies from now on, they'd make even more money. :)

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  38. Disney-where Old B-actors take their voices to die and grow googley eyes. Funny stuff.

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  39. Ugh... my five year old doesn't even watch any TV that has commercials yet he somehow knows about that Planes movie. How Boozeses? Bottles of alcohol with googly eyes.

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  40. I was wondering when you would do a post about this.

    Also, when Disney makes its next sequel, all you'll have to do is send them an email and tell them to pay up the royalties or you'll sue them. They can't your steal ideas without repercussions, after all.

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  41. I had no idea that Dane Cook was voicing a character for Planes. I saw the preview for that movie and even the kids I nanny for went "Couldn't they think of anything else after Cars? Even the logo is the same." When kids know you're running out of ideas that's not a good thing.

    Straight up ridiculous. Run through modes of transportation? Check. Run through every Fable and kids story? Check. Ugh

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  42. Trailer Homes sounds incredible. I mean, it's going to be sad when Cletus the Mobile Home dies in a meth explosion, but it has to be done for integrity's sake.

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    Replies
    1. HA! GeniusGal!

      Of course, if the meth explosion doesn't get him, the tornado will.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  43. I can't wait for "Easy Bake Ovens 2," where Bakey races in a NASCAR race.

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  44. I think I'm the only one lucky enough not to have seen Cars. Will I be lucky enough to dodge Planes too, though?

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  45. I'd copyright Easy Bake Ovens asap, you know that one of Disney's employees is creeping round the internet stealing other people's idea as we speak - you'll see it released next year with an inexplicable cameo appearance from Charlie Sheen x

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  46. Briliant guys, and right now I am very thankful that not only are my boys too old for Disney, but are now financial enough to buy their own toys (unless Disney buys the Dr Who franchise and then we are screwed lol)

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