This weekend will see the opening of the new Disney movie Planes, which stars everyone's (least) favorite comedian Dane Cook as a plane with googly eyes that just wants to be an air racer, and all of the planes can fly themselves, or something stupid like that.
It's an indirect sequel to Disney's Cars, where everyone's (least) favorite nasally surfer-dude Owen Wilson stars as a car with googly eyes that wants to race in NASCAR. And all the cars can drive themselves. Or some such bullshit. But regardless, Disney's discovered a great formula to please small children (which, let's face it, obviously isn't hard), and they've been milking the ever-loving shit out of it.
So in the interest of selling out and making millions of dollars, we're going to take this same formula and start writing for Disney. It's easy--just take a celebrity that people don't really like, add googly eyes to a kid's toy, and make it an underdog in some kind of racing competition!
Pitch Idea #1:
(Un)funnyman Adam Sandler stars as Rusty, a tricycle that wishes he could be a BMX bike racer like all of his friends!
Co-starring Larry the Cable Guy as Landfill, the dopey but (not very) lovable tricycle that helps Rusty out, or cheers him on, or some kind of bullshit like that! It doesn't matter because your kids will eat this slop up like sugary cereal anyway!
Pitch Idea #2:
Everyone's favorite F-lister turned swamp monster Kathy Griffin stars as Dumpy the Tugboat, who wants nothing more than to race with the jet skis!
Co-starring Rosie O'Donnell as the angry manatee that teaches the tugboat how to swim. Or how to love. Or something stupid like that. Your kids will still beg you to see it and you know it.
Pitch Idea #3:
Easy Bake Ovens
We most definitely have not forgotten about the girls! Don't like cars and planes and boats and bikes, little girls? Okay, then what about staying in the kitchen where you belong? That's right, what Easy Bake Ovens lacks in creativity it more than makes up for with blatant sexism!
This instant classic stars everyone's favorite night-vision sperm dumpster Paris Hilton as Bakey the Easy Bake Oven, a tiny light-bulb powered oven that just wants to enter the big baking competition like the brand new GE Double Wall Oven*
*Movie shamelessly sponsored by GE
Co-starring Nicholas Cage as a wood burning stove that teaches Bakey the true meaning of Christmas. Or whatever. Those small details don't matter! Your little girls will pay millions of (your) dollars to see this movie and they will love it!
Pitch Idea #4
What about the poor children whose parents can't afford planes, or boats, or cars? That's right, there's Disney's Trailer Homes!
This masterpiece stars no-longer relevant (and Kathy Griffin's lesbian sister lookalike) Carrot Top as Cletus the Mobile Home, who just wants to race in NASCAR like all of his friends!
No, wait, actually we can't pitch this one. Disney doesn't market to poor children.
The other 3 are solid gold, though. Did we miss any? Pogo sticks? Mopeds? Segways?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: Du Tonc