Thursday, August 29, 2013

Colorado: To Secede or Not to Secede...

In case you haven't heard the news, a group of fine upstanding citizens bunch of yokels in northern Colorado are putting a vote on this year's ballot to begin seceding from the rest of Colorado and essentially becoming America's 51st state. As if integrated schools and women being able to vote wasn't bad enough, now that marijuana is legal and "the gays" are on their way to getting married legally, the residents of Weld County, Colorado have decided they're fed up with all of this scary "progress" and want a state all of their own.

And, honestly it makes both of us here at ABftS horrified to think that this 51st state thing could pass. Not because we give a shit about Weld County, but because it could unleash complete and utter chaos. Here's why:

1. Colorado is a perfect rectangle.

Go ahead, look at this beautiful state on a map. What you'll see, plain and simple, is a monument to symmetry.


Look at that gorgeously rectangular state. It couldn't be any more perfect if you slapped a pair of tits on it.*

*FYI, the Rocky Mountains totally count as some awesomely massive and wonderful tatas

But what Northern Colorado is proposing is to break up this beautiful symmetry, because it's not just Colorado that's effected. Certain parts of Kansas and Nebraska are saying they want in on the action, too. Which means they'd essentially turn our state into something a 3 year old scribbled out with a pack of crayons.




2. No one wants to be the South. Not even the South.

If Northern Colorado secedes, then what does that make us? It makes us Southern Colorado. AKA the South. And what do you think of when you think of the South? That's right--shotguns, chewing tobacco, and unyielding racism. Frankly, we don't need that kind of label placed upon us. Nothing good can come of it.




3. When does the madness stop?

The kind of people that think Colorado being more progressive is a bad thing are the same people who think that legalizing gay marriage is a "gateway drug" to letting people marry their pets, or their children, or rocks. And by that same logic, if Northern Colorado secedes from Southern Colorado, where does it stop? Will Western Colorado want their own state now, too? What about Southwestern Colorado? When does it end?





Sure, there's all kinds of political reasons, like allocating new senators, and the balance of parties, blah blah blah, but truly, those take a back seat to the real issues. And come November, I think you know how these two gents will be voting... because ain't no one taking away our damn purdy rectangle.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Odell Cutthroat Porter
Music: Small Black

(care of NorthColorado.us)

85 comments:

  1. Why is it always the hyper-conservative, remnants of a fossilized puritanical notion of the world, who always want to secede to create their "utopia"? Not only would it break up the perfect rectangle, but who wants all new flags with some weird extra star? If this goes through, the Duck Dynasty guys automatically become co-governors of North Colorado and women go back to the damn kitchen. It's in the fine print.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Redneck utopia - where it's legal to marry your cousin but it's not legal for two dudes. Cuz come on man, it's two DUDES.

      Delete
  2. That is just insane. Just use politics and lobbying to sway the others, guys.
    Of course, if California were to become its own country, then we'd need another state to make if fifty again. Don't want to mess up our national flag.

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  3. LMAO that is soooo pathetic. Got a few up here that have tried to do the same for years, but always fail. If it goes through every two bit redneck county in every state will want their own state. Then instead of 50 states, which most Americans can't name off now, they'd have to name off 100 haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's it, I want my house to be my own state. I took a vote (all six of us, including dogs), and we all agreed, so it's pretty much law. The chihuahua will be representing us in congress.

      Delete
  4. I think no matter the political situation it's always going to boil down to "We don't want no gays or weed!" and that's just really, really sad. I remember Texas saying they wanted to secede when things got too "liberal" for them and I remember nothing really came of that. Given how this time they want to make another state and not another country though maybe they have a bit more chance of succeeding this time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would certainly keep gay people and pot smokers out of Northern Colorado, but if you're gay or you like marijuana (or both) then you aren't living in bumfuck, Colorado to begin with...

      Delete
  5. Hell, they don't want Puerto Rico to become a state; so what makes these people believe this'll work? The US is all about keeping 50 states. No more, no less. It's a perfect number.

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    Replies
    1. If we make a North Colorado and a South Colorado, then we're going to have squish some other states together. I'm looking at you, Montana and Idaho... aka Montanaho.

      Delete
  6. In Dublin in the Republic of Ireland we have Northsiders and Southsiders and all divided by a large river.....bloody southern monkeys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is exactly why I don't need this. I don't want to be a bloody southern monkey. :(

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  7. I think it's time for another Civil War in the US.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Except this time the South will win. How weird is that? Should I start taking slaves and beating my wife?

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  8. To hell with their political reasons! It's all about maintaining the integrity of the perfect rectangle!

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOL I can't believe that map is actually a thing!!!

    I've always thought New Jersey should be separated into North Jersey, Central Jersey, and South Jersey. Because really when you ask one of us where we're from, we never respond with "New Jersey". It's always one of those three. (Or in my case, Upstate New York because I don't like to admit that I'm from any part of New Jersey). We could go even further and separate North Jersey into Awesome Redneck Jersey and Rich F*cktard Jersey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. by "map", I meant "flag"... that's what happens when you pay attention and try to do Blogger and Work at the same time

      Delete
    2. Forget the North Colorado flag, I want to see the Awesome Redneck Jersey flag.

      Delete
    3. I have to second what Mich said, it is like three very distinct lines are drawn here in Jersey. I am a South Jersey girl, which looks, talks and acts NOTHING like a North Jersey girl. Which in this case, I consider a good thing. :)

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    4. http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b393/iworshipzoot/awesomeredneckjersey_zps951ea58a.png

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    5. That is awesome. Thank God the North Colorado people don't have access to that kind of Photoshop technology. If they had that kind of flag behind them, it might rally them to success.

      Delete
  10. Hey, there's already a 51st state. It's called The British Isles. We fall in line with our American brothers through ramshackle wars and recessions, despite the ocean between us. Samuel L. Jackson once came over to taunt some of our druggies with toilet roll.

    I think you'll find these defectors are the 52nd state.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey, I'm a very proud redneck from North Cackalacky and that dude with the coon skin hat looks like all of my college buddies from my alma mater West Virginia University. Don't worry so much if it happens. The south does take some gettin' used to, but learn ya how to shoot some whiskey and a 22 and y'all will be just fine!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. The typical conservative strategy; if you can't win elections, secede, whine, gerrymander, or steal/buy out the next election.

    We have a state senator here in SC that thinks the Supreme court of the united states doesn't have the final authority of laws but rather the states themselves.

    Stupid and/or crazy people really need to stop running for office

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    Replies
    1. I love the word "gerrymandering" and I thank you immensely for bringing it into this post.

      Delete
  13. If they do make this change you'll get to hate Northerners for beating you in the Civil War. And you can fly the Rebel Flag and maybe even bring back slavery and legalize marrying your prize pig. Sweet tea in the summer and lynchings in the Fall. It would be grand I tell you, grand!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm gonna buy me a shotgun so I can shine it on my front porch while my sister-wife plays the banjo.

      Delete
  14. Gay marriage -> human-animal marriage.
    Inter racial marriage -> white genocide.
    America needs to work on their math skills. Maybe you could start off with metric systems.
    yard = 3 feet , 1 feet = 12 inches, 1 mile = 1760 yards.
    Whereas
    100 cm = 1 meter, 1000 meter = 1 kilometer. See, if you learn easy way, we won't make these idiotic equations and correlation.
    Can animals and kids say "I do?"
    And all those holocaust victims and people who lost their everything in Congo, Cambodia would be delighted to know that what they went through is same as these "white genocide" warriors go through. Losing their son/daughter by letting them marry the love of their life be same sex or opposite sex or different color.

    If there isn't no law then they want different state of their own to have those laws or their own country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, I thought I suffered through four years of calculus so I can earn the right to never use math again. Stop throwing numbers at me. They make no sense! What is this kilometer? How many miles is it? I'm so lost.

      Delete
    2. Haha just last week I was trying to estimate and explain a new project with unknowns and constants with calculus and integrals - I freaked out couple of my colleagues.

      See if you learn the easy way, by dealing with straightforward 10, 100, 1000 and milli,deci,centi,kilo instead of your gallons, cup , pound, ounce and irrational and rational numbers for conversion.

      1 gram = 1000 milligrams
      1000 grams = 1 kilogram
      Numbers wouldn't freak people out.

      So these counterparts ie conservativemanias ie liberalphobic ones they are asking for legalizing killing and instead of weed?

      asking for legal rights and medal of honor to kill people to protect iPhone 5 and 3D tv which will become obsolete in next two months?



      Delete
    3. If there's going to be math, I am not coming back here.

      Delete
    4. Time to vote for blog recession.

      North-abeerfortheshower - bans math and math related comments
      South-abeerfortheshower - bans man-eaters and in Katy's case womansoup-eaters.

      :)

      Delete
    5. If there's going to be math, we're not coming back either. Who's going to run the site...?

      Delete
  15. This could be okay. The trick is to get them to break off and then have the United States NOT accept them as the 51st State. Build a damn wall around it to make sure there's no illegal immigration and cut off all federal services, since they're no longer part of us.

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  16. Hmmm... Well, if any part of Colorado succeeds in seceding, then I guess it's not Reno, Nevada, where I'll be moving to after all. (I wanna be where the action is and be a part of that action when Abraham Obama sends in the federal invaders for the next round of 'The War For Independence'.)

    But, I may have a solution to your dilemma... If the ENTIRE state of Colorado secedes, then you'd still have your perfect rectangle and no future confusion regarding the Southern Northeastern West state of Colorado vs. the Southwestern Eastern Western West Northern state of Colorado. And then I could simply move to "The Great Country Of Colorado" and drink beer every night with you Beer Brothers and take up arms against the federal invaders during the daylight hours of those days that we aren't too hungover to fight.

    One way or another, I am moving to the FIRST state (whichever one that is) that succeeds in seceding.

    Incidentally, I think you should have included a notice that said "No raccoon was hurk in the--- I mean, no raccoon was HURT in the making of this coonskin cap." The last thing you need is P.E.T.A. coming down on you. (That would be worse than the goons Abraham Obama is gonna send in.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. We really should secede and be "The Great Country of Colorado." Our chief exports: marijuana and beer. We'll be the richest country in the world! Let the beer flow like water!

      Delete
    2. Stephen-what would you do if California were the first state to secede?

      Talk about a decision for you....

      On the one hand, you finally found a state so fed up with the policies in the US that they struck out on their own....

      On the other hand, they left because America was not liberal enough for them!

      LC

      Delete
  17. See what happens when you give people things like voting rights and freedom of speech? I knew this democracy stuff was going to come to a bad end. Yessiree! We need a tyrant! He would put a stop to all this foolishness.

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  18. If you don't like legalized marijuana, why don't you just go to one of those states that will slap you with a heavy prison sentence for a little bit of pot (especially if you're black)? What's the problem?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you don't like marijuana, don't smoke it. If you don't like gay marriage, don't get gay married. Seems like you don't need an entire new state to do that.

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  19. I'm not quite sure I understand the logic that if there is an artificial state line around their county, gay marriage and legalized marijuana will no longer have the same effect on their lives. That's probably because gay marriage and legalized marijuana doesn't currently have any effect their lives (assuming they are not gay and don't use marijuana). Are you sure you wouldn't prefer them out of your state?

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    Replies
    1. I feel like we need to get input from the real victims here. The gay marijuana users.

      Delete
  20. I just hate to see that beautiful rectangle ruined. Colorado will end up looking like all the other states. BTW, I think AZ wanted to do that at one time as well, but nothing became of it (so far).

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  21. Okay, this post had me laughing like an Upper-West-Side-Nor'Eastern Utahn. And we don't even like to talk about those people. I feel so contaminated now...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, I hate those cross-eyed, inbred, sister-humping Upper-West-Side-Nor'Eastern Utahns. They're not respectable, God fearing folks like the Lower-West-Side-Southeastern Utahns.

      Delete
  22. That's incredible. I'm honestly surprised that, since you petition this, that South Jersey hasn't started one to secede from the rest of Jersey. We fucking HATE north Jersey. Seriously. Think of every Jersey stereotype and they all originate from the North. "Joisey"? Yeah, only in the North.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But, like here, the South is the 'normal' part? Go figure.

      Delete
  23. Getting flashbacks to the old North & South TV-series... And the 51st State with Samuel Jackson. I'm not sure where I'm going with this as I'm no US resident. So I'm just going to not have an opinion in this matter :P.

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  24. Huh, this is a thing states do nowadays? What happened to democracy?

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  25. Wait, why would California become its own country? It's Texas that's been wanting to do that ever since they joined up. But they already failed at it once, so...
    And, I just have to say, if Texas hasn't managed, no one in CO is going to. Just sayin'...

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  26. The 'extremes' in CO have been ranting about this for decades. Ha, they'll never pull it off. Check your history, there was a chuck of the state left off an early survey and it wasn't even a part of the US. I bet you can't guess where that was. I think they still celebrate it up there to this day. Unfortunately, it was found out and included, by some sneaky commie plot, I'm sure.

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  27. With my in-laws being in Texas, I've been hearing about secession for almost 2 decades now. I find it hysterical. Then again, I'm not cocky enough to say they can't make it happen.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  28. The southern part of Arizona threatens secession every couple of years, until they realize they have no industry to speak of...

    Wow...women voting...integrated schools....gay marriage...hippies lighting up in the streets...

    What's next? Dogs and cats living together?

    I'd watch out for floods or plagues of locusts if I were you....

    LC

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    Replies
    1. I bet they'll be gay, pot-smoking locusts too, and they'll infect every one of us with the gay gene while simultaneously getting us addicted to drugs. God help us all.

      Delete
  29. This is incredible, I loved when you were like "let me have a look at this fine piece of artwork" to then chuck it in the trash, that made me laugh hard. On a serious note this secession idea is ridiculous, I think that America is perfect with just 50 states, especially with that rectangle and I see no need why on earth they actually are out to push this, like you say if it succeeds once then tonnes of new states are going to be formed, ridiculous!

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  30. I never noticed before how beautifully rectangular your state is. Damned squares for wanting to mess it up. I wonder what this would mean for the ski slopes that are mid-state. Would you have to show your citizenship papers halfway down a black diamond? Or would you just get shot at, when you hop off the lift and face the south? I'm thinking they haven't thought this whole thing through.

    PS That *note was likely the most effective advertising campaign for the Rocky Mtns. Millions are scurrying to climb them and feel them up right now.

    Great post, as always.
    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. I climbed them just last week. They're totally real.

      Delete
  31. If all that matters is state shape, move to Wyoming.

    The good part about that is, if you move to Wyoming with a friend, you automatically have a majority vote in every election.

    Of course, the guy who lives there now will be kind of pissed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It turns out the guy who lives there is just a buffalo in a person costume, and I don't want to piss him off. I hear he gored the last guy that "rocked the boat."

      Delete
  32. Just to clarify, that guy's beard is a beard of bees isn't it? That's how I imagine the deep south. Honestly though this is madness. I would vote against it, if I lived in Colorado. Or America. xx

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  33. Like I don't already have enough identity problems having come from the South to the North. So now some of Kansas might stick it's snotty nose into the CO secession and I become a displaced Southerner with Northern roots presently parked in Northeastern Kansas that could become part of Northern Colorado. This needs to stop right now. I already have my hands full dodging the Kansans/Missourians that want me to pick between KU, K-State and Missou.

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  34. I'm all for mounds of idiots (and a few innocent left-overs) getting mound up in a state so you know where not to go. There's already a few of those, look at Florida.

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    Replies
    1. We already know not to go there out of common sense, unless you want to end up being a real life Deliverance. No need for a state line to scare us off.

      Delete
  35. If they let it go through, it will be the beginning of the end

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  36. If they have a problem, they can just move out of the state. Simple as that. I don't see why we need to mess up the purdy rectangle. Plus, where would the 51st star go on the Flag? It just wouldn't work!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure they'd just have to tape the 51st star to the back of the flag. There's just physically no room for it. I've done the math (thanks Thinking Cap!).

      Delete
    2. Glad I was able to mathtize you. You are my success story. Embrace your inner math nerd, infinity is the limit, geometry is art, imaginaries are the assests and scores and equations are reward. Welcome to the world of integers, it is only natural.

      ( don't kill me or shut down the blog this is my last math comment) :)

      Delete
  37. I wish all of those idiots would just move to an island somewhere. Good riddance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We pushed them off to the farthest corner of the mountains so that the bears and the mountain lions could eat them. But God help us, it's only made them stronger.

      It's only. Made them. Stronger.

      Delete
  38. The adjustment is complete informative. It is a action ceremony it. I acquire aswell bookmarked you for blockage out new posts.
    Estetik

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, 100% yes! The outlying underground is relatively stable. It is fart knuckle if waffle. I intimidate for make benefit most super wonderful happy post!

      Delete
  39. Michigan's UP has threatened this against the LP but LP says it will keep the bridge and effectively cut off UP. It's a North Korea, South Korea thing except with more guns!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So Michigan's Up (the adorable cartoon movie about an old man attaching balloons to his house) is fighting against its album release? What about its EP? No one cares about the extended play?

      See, politics isn't that hard.

      Delete
  40. I can't imagine it will ever pass. It would reek havoc on fed govt too. Funny though.

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  41. "...seceding from the rest of Colorado and essentially becoming America's 51st state."

    I just woke up and I was so confused by this statement. I was like, "Well if they seceded, they wouldn't be a state at all, and America would only have fourty nine sta... oh wait, I see. It says they're seceding from the rest of the state. Ahhhh! That's weird. Can they do that? Hmmm..." And then I started dripping thought drool everywhere and had to get a paper towel.

    Thanks guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And holy crap! Is that a real flag? That's the redneckiest thing ever.

      Delete
    2. I didn't think they could do that either, but apparently they can... try. It keeps making the news here, anyway, when they aren't showing adorable Youtube cat videos or events at the senior center (not a lot happens here).

      I tried to secede from my wife but she won't let me become my own person. Apparently I got outvoted in sexual congress.

      What I'm saying is, politics is hard. So pass that paper towel, brother.

      Delete
  42. We have a similar problem here with Quebec - they want to separate and be their own country. Sure, they want to continue to use our currency. And, hell no, they won't give up the Canadian medical system. But they're going to be their own country, dammit!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can WE have some of your awesome Canadian medical system?

      Delete
  43. Just don't send them here. We have enough idiot bogans of our own

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  44. No. No freaking way. How have I not even heard of this? I read the news every day. Oh wait, it's local Utah news. So I only hear about the pedophiles and polygamists. Which are basically the same.

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  45. Here's a scary thought: Texas has the legal ability to sub-divide themselves into about seveal states if they so desire.

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  46. At first I was down with the idea of letting every group organize a state where they can practice their own beliefs without interference from everyone else, which is kind of like making 300,000,000 (and counting!) little America's. But then you got into the naming thing and I decided to be on your side. It's already bad enough with all those mid-size colleges coming up with names like "Eastern Mississippi University" and "North Dakota State" (HA! That'll be the da-- what?) but once we have "Northeastern Colorado University Located in South Central Western Colorado," it's going to be impossible for me to decide which college fraternities to hate most.

    No, wait, I could just always hate them all EQUALLY. And isn't that what America is all about?

    I thought your best point was the rectangle argument. Also: If they would agree to call it "Redneck Colorado" I'd sign that petition.

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  47. What a mess. But backwards people will continue to be backwards people until they all die off so that the new generation can come forth and improve things.

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  48. Oh, God, I hope it doesn't pass. Cause then it might spread to Michigan, and we are a perfect mitten!

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