Monday, August 19, 2013

A Game of Groans

I don't know about you guys, but after a big dinner party it's kind of fun to sit down with a group of friends and play a nice board game over a beer or three. It doesn't matter whether it's Risk, or Scrabble, or even just Monopoly. Every once in a while it's fun to just play a very simple kids board game and unwind.



We've found that when we do this, though, certain things always just seem to happen. Like, for example, there's always someone that loses within 30 minutes of playing, and is forced to sit through the entire rest of the game as nothing more than a very bored spectator.



Worst of all for this quick loser is that the game always lasts an eternity. And this is in no way helped by the one guy who's too busy doing everything else but playing the game.


And he's also flirting with someone's wife.


So this game will invariably last until 2 in the morning. Not just because of the straggler, but because of that one over-competitive asshole who just refuses to let it end until he's declared the winner.




But worry not, because immediately after the proclamation that he's going to win, the guy who doesn't give a shit overtakes the competitive asshole and wins the game on the spot.



And really, that's why we as adults still play kids board games. Because they're just so darn fun.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
-B&B

Music: Daniel Romano
Beer: La Fin Du Monde




P.S. our friend Andrew Leon over at Strange Pegs is releasing the first volume of his latest novel today. Go check it out and support an Indie author!

88 comments:

  1. We get so competitive though. I refuse to play Monopoly with my wife. I can get all the properties at the high end of the board and load them with houses and hotels, and she'll miss every one. However, I land on Baltic with a hotel three times in a row and lose. Yeah, fun.

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    1. You'd think with all that money the player would buy a house instead of sleeping in an expensive hotel every night.

      Delete
  2. An eye for an eye. That's always a good lesson to teach while playing kids' games.

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  3. I like playing children's games with children and then UTTERLY DESTROYING THEM AND FLAUNTING IT IN THEIR FACES.

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    1. Sometimes children just need to know that they suck at things. We can't all be winners, can we, little Timmy?

      Delete
  4. We recently found out my daughter and I cannot be on the same team in Pictionary. We argue too much now that she's a teenager and those seconds just tick by with us bickering. One of us is saying, "I don't know what that is! Draw something!" The other one is tapping the paper over and over again like, "what are you, stupid?" Then when the timer ends all hell breaks loose.

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    1. "What is that? An inbred dog? A melting candle? A dead monkey fetus?"

      "No, it's a depiction of the Last Supper."

      "You suck. Don't quit your day job."

      "Yeah, well I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your hand."

      Ahhh, family bonding.

      Delete
  5. Who has time for board games? It seems the only time I ever get to play games there is always gambling involved. Just can't play a game for fun anymore, no! Always after money that I don't have!

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    1. You can't really say you're hardcore until you've played Candyland for cold, hard cash.

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  6. I always find in Monopoly that we get two even matched players that each own roughly half the board. The game will then go on for hours with neither really winning or losing. Five hours later, we just call it a night and declare whoever has the most money the winner.

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    1. That sounds way too amicable to be true.

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    2. Oh, don't get me wrong, this is AFTER someone has already tried to steal extra cash off the other players, and subtley nudged that hotel off of Mayfair and onto Old Kent Road instead.

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  7. Luckily Hasbro realized that your friends are capable of losing their minds over the idea of losing a board game and came out with Monopoly Empire. It takes away the "go to jail card" and the game time is around 30 minutes.

    But if that is still too much pressure, Candyland is a good alternative.

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    1. No, I'm pretty sure you can still kill someone with a sharpened candy cane.

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  8. Actually I haven't played a board game in forever but I have never once managed to complete a game of Monopoly. It just takes that long to do it.

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  9. The Monopoly game was out at my daughters. My grandkids wanted me to play. NO WAY! Nothing's worse than playing with kids who make up the rules as they go and then cry when I scold them.

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    1. Someone has to teach those children the consequences of breaking the rules. Tell them Monopoly is like life. There's no crying in jail. Not unless you want to show the other "players" you're weak.

      Delete
  10. My friends and I usually have a game night a few times a month. Luckily, we play games that are short, but they're mostly trivia games, so losing makes you feel like a big, dumb idiot. So instead of angry, you get depressed and spend all your free time reading up on random facts until the next game night.

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    1. "Dammit Chiz, how did you not know who scored the most runs in the 1982 World Series? You are such a failure to this team and to this circle of friends."

      Delete
  11. Love this-hilarious,as usual! Board games are huge in my circle of family and friends. And every stereo type you just highlighted exists to the extreme when we play. The competiveness makes me nuts and the unwillingness to let some things go- just drives me bananas. No one in my family will admit defeat. No one. Not even G'ma.

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    1. We could have just thrown the coolest dinner party with the best food anyone's ever tasted. But if I lose at the board game we play after, then my whole night is ruined and I assure you I will take everyone else down with me.

      Delete
  12. I tried something like this with some friends a couple months back, only it was some sort of war board game where you were supposed strategize. Only one person there knew how to play and he spent the evening explaining to the rest of us why he was kicking our asses.

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    1. I love a game that takes hours of mindless explanation, that usually just degrades into, "Here, what do I do? You know what?--Just take my turn for me."

      Because if there's something people who are drinking want to do, it's play a really, really complex board game that involves a lot of strategy.

      Delete
  13. I can't stand monopoly anymore. It's the game everyone loves, for five minutes.

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    1. Not even five minutes if you argue over who gets the "cool" pieces.

      "Here, I'm going to take the race car and my buddy will take the battleship. Now let's give the women the thimble and the iron and watch a huge fight erupt!"

      Delete
  14. Replies
    1. And who doesn't love a game that involves shouting at each other angrily for 3 hours straight about how much everyone sucks at drawing?

      Delete
  15. And hey, maybe next time try playing "Reverse Monopoly." That's where you divvy up all the hotels and money and properties at the start of the game and then see who can go broke the fastest. It's a much shorter game.

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    1. I LIKE that idea! I might have to try that. Once these guys make BeerfortheShower-Opoly.

      Delete
  16. PLEASE make "A Beer For The Shower-Opoly" it's the only one I would buy and sit through 18 hours of agony to play. THOSE CARDS.

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    1. If Parker Bros. wouldn't sue the bejeezus out of us, we'd make that game in a heartbeat.

      Delete
  17. Haha, there's nothing like a board game to make you absolutely hate your friends and family. Risk is a particular favourite of mine for starting arguments. I also believe you can learn a lot about a person by how they play Monopoly... x

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    1. Yes, totally agreed. Let's just say that the guy who can't hold down a job, whose credit cards are maxed out, and whose credit score is in the double digits usually doesn't last long in the game of Monopoly...

      Delete
  18. My mates are way too competitive to play board games any more, things were bad enough when we played cards!

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  19. Been a while but yeah you nailed it. Friggin monoply goes on forever though, days if you have the prick that needs to be the winner. I think I'm calling myself names, oops lol

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  20. Wow! It's like I've played Monopoly with you and your friends before! You remember me, right? I'm that guy who insists he had a hotel on that property but the cat must have knocked it off when she walked across the board that one time. I'm that jerk who insists he would have won the game if not for ..."that cat!"

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. While you were watching the cat the token cheater of the group was sneaking hotels up onto his own property. Hotels that he'd been secretly stealing from you. Alas, the cat was nothing more than an adorable distraction.

      Delete
    2. I'd be afraid to play Trivial Pursuit with this group.

      The Stephen T. McCarthy clan plays an "It's A Wonderful Life" trivia game that I participated in once (I was the early loser).

      They came to blows several times, although I do not remember anyone getting stuck with a shiv...

      I'd like to get both groups together and maybe leave some nice sharp implements and grenades in the room and see what develops...

      LC

      Delete
  21. Went a little dark there at the end. Nice!

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    1. The game's not officially over until someone's been fork stabbed.

      Delete
  22. I learned long ago that Monoply is not so much a game as it is a form of torture. A slow, painful, horrific death. Not even remotely fun. I seriously wonder how it's managed to still be a thing after all these years. I blame the Canadians.

    Oh, and if you really want to see who your true friends are, try playing a game of Wild UNO. That game has destroyed many a relationship. Talk about getting stabbed with a fork! "Oh, you think giving me that Draw 16 is funny, do you? How do you like having this fork jammed up your..."

    I fear I've said too much...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't forget the obligatory racist joke when one of your Mexican friends takes a green card. Bonus points if the jokester points this out every single time.

      Delete
  23. Huh, I find after dinner our guests gravitate to nude hot tubbing. To each their own I guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Donny's awkward boner always fucks that one up, so we stick with kid themed board games...

      Delete
  24. I love playing games, cards against humanity is where it's at. None of this lame ass monopoly ;)

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    1. You win so many bonus points. Cards Against Humanity may be the most hilarious game ever invented, AND we don't want to all murder each other after playing.

      Delete
  25. LOL, have you seen The Way Way Back yet? There's a Candyland moment in it that reminded me of this post! :)

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    1. I've never even heard of it. I guess that's what I get for not having subscribed to TV service in almost 3 years. But I might check it out if there's an overly violent Candy Land fight...

      Delete
  26. Maybe we should make the Indie Author board game?

    I bet no one would play that one with me, either. No one plays board games with me.

    Thanks for the... um... mention. Yeah, that!

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  27. I play chess, that's a board game right? And with guests we switch to karaoke :)
    And playdates my kids play ps3 games start the party, eyepet and all. The elder twin is pretty competitive and can't stand losing. Last time his best friend became the worst enemy. "you are supposed to be my friend you can't make me sad" "dad please play my turn so that I can beat his score" "mom you take Weston's controller he will win me else" "if you let me win this round I would give you Oreos " "you don't you go potty I will wait for you" (when he left he started the game and stood and did nothing with his controller) - bribery, cheating, foul everything except drugs was involved in that playdate game.

    And of course he gets it from me, I was pretty juvenile when it comes to losing in sports. Once a gal in my school won me in chess in plain three moves and I literally harassed her all year long, glad we don't have restraining orders in India else I might have got a record.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Have you taught your elder twin how to punch yet? Sometimes slugging the other kid makes up for your own shortcomings.

      If your son feels the pain of losing, then his friend will feel the pain of MAKING him lose...

      Delete
    2. Thanks Bryan. I am not raising him right. He ran to his bunk bed, and cried his hearts out on his Diego pillow. Should have put him on pink tutu and painted his nails red and handed him unicorn.

      His room is getting a makeover, I am engraving these platinum words in gold and hanging this on his bed ceiling

      Actually I need two one for my bed ceiling.

      " if your son feels the pain of losing, then his friend will feel the pain of MAKING him lose"


      Dear sir, I salute thee..

      Delete
  28. Every group has a Donny. He pisses me off. Every. Time.

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  29. I need to play board games more often. As long as I win, they're super fun! :P
    !

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  30. That's why I like to play Ants in the Pants. There's no Jail card, but you did an awesome job with those "Go directly to jail" cards.

    Happy Monday.
    xoRobyn

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    1. Ants in the Pants... real board game, or codename for some weird sexual group activity?

      Delete
  31. When people used to rave about you guys and I wasn't a reader while I never doubted your writing talents and how great a bunch of guys you are I never envisioned that this blog would be as funny as everybody said it was because the praise was just that high, I felt like there was no way it would live up to the praise. I just want to say though that I am an absolute idiot because while reading this post I genuinely laughed out loud several times and usually laughing out loud is something I might do like once a week online.

    With that said I know these exact guys you're talking about, especially the one who is uber competitive and forces the game to last all night long, it's a nuisance for the guy who gets knocked out super early, who in poker and Monopoly when I've played it a few times, is me. Hilarious post, on a side note is there really a friend of you guys who constantly watches Youtube videos during board games? That would drive me crazy!

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    1. You are too kind. Thanks, Matthew. You're a rock star. And I don't know who's raving about us and praising us, but that's very flattering to hear!

      And yes, sadly, there is really that guy who has to spend his entire night on the phone. The two of us always put our phones away when we're around others out of respect, but apparently to this guy hilarious cat videos are better company than we are. And it leaves us wondering, why the hell does he even go out? Can't he just stare at his phone at home?

      Delete
    2. Haha basically I made a post about the funniest blogs and loads of people where like "where the heck is A Beer For The Shower," and in my head I was like "Pfft I'm sure they're funny but they can be THAT funny" but I checked your page out anyway and haven't looked back since! I know this kind of guy too, I have a friend like that, I guess at home he can't show off and grace everybody by sharing his hilarious cat videos.

      Delete
  32. I destroyed my 5 year old niece in Uno! She wanted to choose her cards and I was like "hell no! Unless you pay me for the right to choose cards"

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    1. Sometimes you just have to put toddlers in their place. Kudos.

      Delete
  33. My mom and I play Clue a lot. It doesn't involve math and we get to be violent. Fun for all! We would play with other people, except nobody wants to play. It might be because The Big Dog tries to eat them, or because they end up being the murderer and we discover their secret.

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    1. How can anyone get angry and violent while playing a game where you get to say such giggle-inspiring things as, "It was Colonel Mustard in the back door with the lead pipe"?

      Delete
  34. Come on guys, be honest here. Monopoly is a hellspawn of a game, and you know it.
    Which reminds me, about time I go and invent a "you can finish the game in less than three days" version of Monopoly. I'll be rolling in fake dosh before you know it!

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    1. Throw in a "you can finish this game of Risk in under two weeks" game and you'll be a damn millionaire.

      Delete
  35. You can finish a game of monopoly? I thought it was statistically impossible to have the game come to a natural conclusion.

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  36. A full game of Monopoly would require at least 24 beers, a doobie, a foil of meth, some xanax to counteract said meth and last but not least.......a condom cuz like you said someone always gets fucked!

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  37. You had me at stranger danger! My friends are infamous for turing every board game (even candy land) into a drinking game. Chances are at some point somebody gets angry and flips the board over. We've never finished a single game. Some things are better off left in our childhood before we knew what 'fun' really was.

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  38. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what happened when we played it as kids, too.

    This is why Scrabble is safer. People finish and GET THE FUCK OUT.

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  39. Who are you playing with? People who flirt with other people's wives, ultra-competitive about children's games weird-o's? Maybe you all need to start drinking before you play the games and stick with something like Cards Against Humanity or something else that doesn't have a real winner. This is why I stick with competitive vomit competitions (still the record holder for distance projection. One day I'll get my volume title back.).

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  40. When my kids were little I tried to teach them it didn't matter if you win or lose, the important thing was having fun playing the game. They're in their 30's now. I'm still trying to teach them it doesn't matter if you win or lose...

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    1. Of course you DO realize, don't you, that it was a LOSER who invented that "It doesn't matter if you win or lose..." line? Winners don't say things like that.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    2. Been losing a lot of sleep lately trying to win? You sound a little on edge. You do realize it is not REAL money?

      Delete
    3. Eddie, "Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already".

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Roger Rabbit Fan'

      Delete
  41. All my friends are cheating skid marks, playing board games sucks. Maybe I just have to find friends who've graduated 5th grade.

    There's something very intriguing about a beer called Le Fin Du Monde. It sounds sexy in a world's-gonna-end way.

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    1. Drinking one kind of feels like the world's going to end. Maybe that's because it's almost 10% alcohol. Yum.

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  42. At least you can sometimes get free parking

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  43. Ahh I miss playing board games... you make them sound so fun!

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  44. We played a game at a party recently that took forever and no one remembered it was there turn, except me. How much of a nag do you feel when you keep saying, "It's your turn now."

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  45. Love games with friends...not sure who your friends are though, my games are a lot more mellow...:) Will head over and say hi to Andrew.

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  46. I am ashamed to admit that I am usually that person who hangs on- I didn't realize that about myself until reading your post and I was like hey- he's just being patient. Then I knew. It was me.

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  47. Ah, game night at my house where every ugly aspect of human nature is represented in force. What is it about Queen Frostine that brings out the beast in everyone over 5? Don't even get me started on the poor spelling and bad attitudes, involved in a simple game of Scrabble, and your favorite the Queen Mother of all behavioral abnormalities MONOPOLY. Please just shoot me, or set up the card table and deal!

    BTW @Rawkrobyn - 'Ants in the Pants' - Ha, I'm laughing mine off.

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  48. I honestly cant remember the last time i played a board game. Both the kids are in their 20's now so it has been a while. Fun to reminisce though. Lisa x

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  49. We used to make up extra rules for Monopoly just so that person who loses in the first ten minutes can have a chance to get back in. Like the Lawsuit Rule (you need an odd number of people playing for this to work), and the Lottery (banker chooses random things that constitute winning and you randomly get $1000).
    I realize this makes my life sound so completely and utterly exciting, but when you spend half your childhood in bumf*ck nowhere Ireland and have only 2 TV channels and lots and lots and lots of rain, you get creative.

    Also have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Bring it to your next social gathering.

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  50. CHRIST, I Hate monopoly. Every bad thing about it happens to me, except losing early.

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  51. I'm catching up on all your posts I missed. I laughed at this, because this weekend I babysat for my brother. My 10 year old nephew made me play Monopoly, which is generally torture to me. It was going fairly well, until we had to stop playing and count up all our cash and properties...and I accused him of cheating, because he kicked my butt. I don't mind losing, as long as I LET someone lose. Stinkin' 10 year old!

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