Monday, July 22, 2013

Take Me Out to the Corporately Owned, Athletically Neutered Ballgame

When the two of us were growing up, our local sports and music venues had names like "Mile High Stadium" and "Fiddler's Green Amphitheatre." Nowadays, thanks to corporate buyouts, we have "Sports Authority Field" and "Comfort Dental Amphitheatre." And who doesn't want to go rock out at Comfort Dental? Nothing says rock 'n roll like a visit to the dentist, amirite?


So here are some other ridiculous venue names we found across America.

1. The KFC Yum! Center - Louisville, KY

That's right, KFC didn't just want to name their sports arena in Kentucky after themselves; they had to add the word "Yum!" to show just how delicious their chicken is. However, in the process, they made their venue sound less like a basketball arena and more like a hospital for the clinically ill.







2. Glass Bowl Stadium - Toledo, OH

This stadium is home to the University of Toledo Rockets, a football team whose name you've no doubt already forgotten. And even though this outdoor gridiron is host to the weekly clashing of fat linebackers, I was surprised (and a little disappointed) to find out that it wasn't actually an aquatic version of the Thunderdome.



3. The Quicken Loans Arena - Cleveland, OH

The Quicken Loans Arena, home of the Cleveland Cavaliers, hosts many a basketball game. But simply by the name I would never have assumed basketball was played here. No, I would think this is a huge gladiatorial arena for bankers and lendees to sort out their differences... TO THE DEATH.



4. Petco Park - San Diego, CA

This is a dog park, right? Or is this a sports stadium? Because I honestly think we'd prefer it to just be an animal stadium. "Catch Rover, catch! Now run to the 22 yard line and make the first down! Good boy, Rover, good boy!"


Don't be mad at Fiddlesticks. She had Tim Tebow throwing to her, so she never stood a chance of catching it.

We laugh, but who knows, maybe one day some huge company will buy us out and you can look forward to reading sponsored blog posts from TAMPAX PRESENTS: A BUDWEISER SELECT 55 FOR THE MARTHA STEWART HOME COLLECTION SHOWER.

Any stupid venue names we missed?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: Goose Island 312
Music: The Pigeon Detectives


70 comments:

  1. I hate how big companies have ruined all of the original names for stadiums. Sleep Train Arena just doesn't scream sports to me.

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  2. When I used to live in Houston, TX, it always made me laugh looking at Minute Maid stadium because it sounds like the nicknames of the hookers those baseball players no doubt paid by the minute. Also, it used to be "Enron Field" which added an extra level of delight.

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  3. It bugs me that all the stadiums have been renamed like this. And not that I'm a fan of NASCAR but apparently their races have done the same thing. And that background picture of the toothpaste... jaw on the floor while cracking up.

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    1. I was just thinking the same thing. Isn't there a Tampax car?

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    2. I almost got a chance to drive the Tampax car. Had to pull a few strings, though...

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    3. I knew there was a reason I came back for the comments....I totally missed the toothpaste in the background! Freaking hilarious!

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  4. The first thing I thought of was The Juice Box. I always thought it was a missed opportunity if no vodka company ever stood up to partner with Minute Maid and invent "Screwdriver Park"

    The Chicago White Sox now play in "US Cellular Field" and ironically my US Cellular Phone got ZERO BARS almost everywhere in the park, but right when they changed the name, Joan Cusak was doing US Cell commercials so we all called it "The Joan" after radio guy Steve Dahl made it a thing. When I met Joan Cusak in a waterpark in Wisconsin, she told me she thought her friends were teasing her, so could I tell her husband that it was a real thing. Nice lady.
    Great post, and I agree. Someday we will look through a telescope at The Moon, which will be "brought to us" by Coca-Cola and have a giant ugly logo on it.

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  5. I think your safe until all the Japanese owned companies in America start sponsoring your stadiums. Instead of "Get your peanuts" you'll be hearing "Get your sushi" And in the hot sun, that won't be a good thing.

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    1. Finally, I can fulfill my need for watching a ballgame while eating a wasabi ice cream cone!

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  6. We have the Susquehanna Bank Center around here. Prior to that it was the Tweeter Center which, though it was corporate, didn't sound so bad since it's a music venue. Too bad it changed before Twitter because then we could've done Tweeter tweets.

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    1. "Come to the Twitter dome, where all bands must perform in 140 seconds or less!"

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    1. petco park sounds like where the puppy bowl is played. Speaking of the puppy bowl, it may very well be the stupidest thing ever conceived outside of MTV.

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    2. The puppy bowl is bullshit. I'm pretty sure the game's rigged, and I hear half of those dogs are doping.

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  8. Yeah all comes back to the dough. If you change your blog name to tampex anything, you may get a whole new segment of visitors haha

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  9. Ugh. Your Tampax venue gave me cramps. Shoulda gone to the Midol Sportsplex instead.

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  10. Makes me miss the good ol' days....like rocking at the Hoosier Dome. But that building is long gone and all we have now is Lucas Oil Stadium. Because you know, nothing goes better with football than some good old motor oil!

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  11. Those stadiums are more outrageous than any in my area. Though, when I was growing up, we had The Great Woods! It was a concert venue set outside. Then those assholes at Comcast rubbed their greedy hands all over it. Now it's just the Comcast Center.

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    1. I'm assuming if you see a concert at the Comcast Center, that it only works half the time and if you call to complain they just rudely insist that the band is performing perfectly fine and it must be my fault for not watching properly?

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    2. Yep, and after a lengthy conversation, they decide that it may be the result of an error on their side, and they're gracious enough to send a technician that will arrive anywhere between the times of 3:00am today and 12:00am on Monday, March 13th, 2017.

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  12. Here in Houston, our baseball stadium used to be called "Enron Field." It is now called "Minute Maid Park." [EDIT: I see Pickleope beat me to that punch...]

    Naming rights are a fantastic idea, though. My blog is now called the Halliburton "Lesbians in My Soup" blog. I will now be known as Holly Burdon, and the blog will mainly be about me wandering around desert countries, building refineries. It's going to be hysterical!

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    1. If that doesn't work out, there's always "Lesbians in my Campbell's Chunky Homestyle Soup," where your words are like alphabet soup... for the soul.

      That blurb is on the house. Next time, though, we charge. And we are not cheap.

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  13. Petco park sounds kind of fun! I think Metlife Stadium and Gillette Stadium suck. I mean, the razor brand? Seriously?

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  14. I think Ralph Nader warned us about this a long time ago...
    Back when he was sort of, kinda young. There was that time wasn't there? When the earth was young?

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  15. That Tampax makeover was brilliant! Loved the tampon replacing your cigar :) And I know this is going to make me sound like a dumb girl, but I really like the color scheme you choose.

    I completely agree that Petco park should be a pet arena. That is a sports park I would actually be interested in visiting.

    All of our arenas have names of banks here in Detroit. No surprise with the recent bankruptcy news, huh?

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  16. I loved "The Quicken Loans Arena". Wouldn't the world economy sky rocket if all the damn bankers fought out their differences gladiator-style?

    Btw, the "networked blogs" link from your FB page almost always gives me a sever error. Just a head up. Not sure if it's just me, or if others have this problem too.

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    1. Thanks for the heads up! It's not just you. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to grab some duct tape and a hammer and keep hitting it repeatedly until it fixes itself (that works for cars, should work for networked blogs, right?)

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    2. I find that a sacrificial offering of blood to the Internet Gods helps too.

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  17. I don't know any really stupid stadiums and I'd like to think these places don't exist. It still not as bad as the commercials on TV though. The Superbowl really is a glorified ad break.

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  18. I kind of like the sound of "Glass Bowl Stadium." It could be worse. It could be called "Porcelain Bowl Repository."

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  19. BEER BOYS ~
    Sheesh! I think the worst (real) one you mentioned might have been your own 'Comfort Dental Amphitheatre'. Unbelievable. I had to reread that paragraph to be sure you weren't just making a joke.

    'Petco Park' in San Diego would actually work pretty well as a name if it were just a big nicely manicured football field used only by dogs and their human pals for practicing their Frisbee throws and catches.

    I literally grew up in "the Taj Mahal" of baseball parks: Dodger Stadium. And I believe it's still called simply Dodger Stadium. I'm pleasantly surprised that it hasn't yet been renamed "Rodney King Foundation's Field Of Screams" ...er, I meant "DREAMS".

    Here in Phoenix, the Diamondbacks play at 'Chase Field'. Nothing like the name of a bank ruled by International Bankers to give your baseball team that sense of invincibility, eh?

    Prior to "Chase Field", the D-Backs stadium had been named after a different bank. It was "Bank One Ballpark". Everyone here just called it "the BOB", which didn't quite convey that aura of Banker invincibility, so a CHANGE had to be made. And now the team has HOPE.

    Say... that's kinda catchy, ain't it? Hope And Change. Might make a good name for the stadium of a trans-gendered tennis team. Needs a corporate connection though. I'm thinking something hospital-y.

    ~ Stephen

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  20. LOL at "half time pap smear". It's got a weird ring to it. Great graphics, and I like the piece of chicken.

    When I lived in the Bay Area, the stadium in So. SF kept changing hands. I don't follow sports enough to be informative here. I think it was PG&E at one point. Imagine a blackout during one of those games.

    xoRobyn

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  21. I never paid that much attention to arena names. These are funny!

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  22. Back in India, we have namesake democracy and so any politician who gets elected will rename all bus stops and streets and cities and everything either in his name or his dead mommy/daddy/grandpa's name. And after five years when the other guy takes the throne, he will do the renaming thing. This goes on for two years , imagine not just signs, airports,stadiums and textbooks and all such. so I take vacation to India this year and land in JJ airport two years later it would KK airport where the quality, place and everything shall be same. Everything done in taxpayers money.


    In capitalist countries like here, you get that done in corporate money.
    recently in Chicago, to tackle the money problem in CTA/Metra they decided to rename a station name Macdonalds stop or something and macdonalds was supposed to provide some money for that which was planned to be utilized to handle lack of funds.

    I don't know where I am going with this but this solves some other issue maybe we could live with this?

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  23. I absolutely love everything about this post, but seriously, the toothpaste poster has stolen my heart and run away with it.

    I thought it'd be nice to name my improv group in a way that would raise STD awareness, but the Ruptured Genital Warts Players are hardly ever taken seriously.

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  24. Those names are shocking, didn't the fans riot or just happy that someone is spending money!

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  25. I laughed so hard whenever I heard "macdonalds- official sponsor of olympics" . So, I do understand what this post is trying to say. :)

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    1. I loved all of the videos of Olympic athletes sucking down Coca Colas. You know, because they actually drink that stuff... :)

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  26. LOVED the Tebow comment and the pink Tampax executive suite is awesome!!!! Now I'm hungry for fried chicken.

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  27. Yeah, we have the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts out here. It used to be the Luther Burbank Center. My issue is that, well, Wells Fargo doesn't support the arts. Not in any real way. The Center is used for hosting concerts, so only things that will make them the big bucks.

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  28. I think the 1-800 Ask Gary Amphitheater in Tampa is the prize winner with Taco Bell Arena in Boise, and Jiffy Lube Live in Bristow, VA as second place tying for second place. The naming of arenas is becoming the next best thing to knock knock jokes...easy laughs.

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  29. I really should proofread my comments. Redundancy runs in my family.

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  30. This is a very American thing that's been spreading over to England and I agree with you guys that it's a bit problematic. Some of the stadium names just sound ridiculous and sponsorship is taking some of the good stuff out of sport, great post though.

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  31. I've been out of the country for so long, I did not know about this phenomena. I have to admit, not sure I would attend that Tampax Stadium for ANYTHING, but you guys do look good in pink.

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  32. I don't like the switches, either. And I swear this whole thing snuck in right under my nose. All of a sudden, everything was named something different. I couldn't even tell you WHEN it actually occurred. I think the Sky Sox Stadium down here is now Security Service, or some such thing. A bank. A bank? What does that have to do with baseball?

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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    1. What I want to know is how that advertising actually works. "Time to go see a game at Wells Fargo Stadium. Hey, maybe I should open a bank account with Wells Fargo!" ...?

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    1. You can't buy herpes, though. That's something that you have to earn.

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  34. Over here, when arenas or stadiums are named something people don't like, we just give it another name. Yeah, fine, name the convention center after one of the worst governors we've ever had. From that point on we've called it the corruptions center. It's got a ring to it.

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  35. The KFC YUM! stadium? Seriously? I remember years ago when county commissioners in a town in California refused to call the local amphitheater the Yahoo arena. The local stadium has gone through so many name changes here that people have stopped bothering to keep up.

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  36. But you have to admit Tampax stadium would be awesome...or Trojan Arena...

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  37. The last one almost made me die laughing. Puns are awesome.

    I never knew that the names could be that bad though. I hope that Walmart or McDonalds buys the stadium here though, as long as those fireworks shut the fuck up when they win. I went to a game. There wasn't much happening so the fireworks are pointless.

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  38. I'm surprised Mr. McCarthy did not point out that the Arizona Cardinals play at University of Phoenix stadium, which is conveniently located in Glendale, not Phoenix.

    Corporate sponsors are not the brightest...

    I'm waiting until some Saudi oil shiek buys the naming rights of a stadium to use in lieu of a vanity license plate.

    Only a matter of time before Shiek Yerbouti Arena.....

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    1. I wouldn't be surprised, but I figure he'll only do it if he can plate the arena in solid gold, to match his solid gold Lamborghini.

      http://b.vimeocdn.com/ts/334/090/334090610_640.jpg

      Oil money... must be nice, eh?

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  39. Did I just get "sheik" wrong twice?

    I hate it when I mispel words....

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  40. We had to endure the changeover from the Delta Center to the Energy Solutions Arena. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?

    Freaking corporate buyouts!

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    1. What a ridiculously terrible name. Do energy executives square off in this arena, and the "solution" is death? I certainly hope so...

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    2. If only! I'd actually go to an event like that!

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  41. I can't wait until I have enough money to buy an entire stadium and name it whatever horrible thing I want.

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    1. That's what I'm sayin'. I don't want to create the Slim Dyson Arena. I want to force people to sit and watch their favorite sports teams in the MegaFart Thundertwat SuperDome.

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  42. I absolutely agree with you. It's what the Tappett Bros (Click & Clack, NPR, Car Talk) call "shameless commerce division" advertising. I fucking hate it~

    Petco Park was, to me, an abomination for a field everyone had waited years to see built. The original baseball field was Lane Field and there was discussion about naming the new field the same but not after the corporate money talked. Ugh. Jack Murphy Stadium, my beloved college football stadium and home to the Chargers & former home to the Padres, was changed to something techie...I can't even recall because I don't think of it as such. Ach! 3 Rivers in Pittsburg is something else, Riverfront in Cincy is All American (awesome ballpark btw) and...oh well...

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  43. Des Moines has Principal Park. It used to be Sec Taylor Stadium where the Iowa Cubs play baseball. Principal Financial is a big place in Des Moines. Vets Auditorium got an arena attached called Wells Fargo Arena and the area is called the IA Events Center. What is interesting is that Ozzy Osbourne has sentimental attachment to Vets(that's where he bit the head off a live bat) so when he comes to town, he plays there and not the arena.

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  44. Hahaha the KFC Yum! Center is absolutely amazing. I feel like, if you're talking aboutit, you have to shout YUM and pause for a good 5 seconds before you say centre... amiright? x

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  45. I went to visit my brother when he was stationed in CO and loved the name Mile High Stadium - it sounded so powerful! It's just like my Giant's Meadowlands. Corporate names just confuse me.

    Your last panel made me laugh so hard until it made me gag in disgust - so you know it's great. Smoking a tampon? Hilarious! Bloodbath - visual nightmare!! My eyes, my eyes!!

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  46. I kind of like the "Yum!" in "The KFC Yum! Center". How about "The Aetna Health Insurance OUCH!! OH DEAR GOD THE PAIN! Arena"?

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