Thursday, July 11, 2013

Don't F@#k With Grandma

This past weekend I did what all the cool kids do. No, I didn't binge drink, or take home a cougar, or take home a binge drinking cougar. I hung out with my grandma. And it was quite the experience, because my grandma is always full of the most insane stories, like the time her neighbor's garage turned out to be a meth lab and blew up, setting part of her house on fire.

Well, last weekend she told me a story about her last trip to the airport. And it may have topped the meth explosion.

This is my grandma, in all of her glory...

Grandma's gangsta*
*anything but

No, that's not a compressed image, that's just a compressed grandma. So at 4'10 and a weight that's probably in the double digits, grandma's quite tiny. But don't let that fool you. She motors around like her legs are on fire. Like, she's that old school kind of Catholic that likes to walk to mass every morning at 5 AM.

Did I mention that she just turned 90?

And did I mention that this story involves her just coming from visiting her sister, who's 101?


Yes, I know, I'm probably going to hell for that picture, but I assume that when you're 101 you're just a senile gob of melted, wrinkled flesh, held together by a tacky sweater.

So back to the story. My grandma had gone to visit her sister in California, and then came back on a flight to Denver. Right after she stepped off the plane, a group of concerned citizens urgently grabbed a wheelchair and insisted on wheeling her around and carrying her bags for her, like her own personal entourage.


But even though my grandma was fine and said she liked walking, they insisted on their random act of kindness and wheeled her to get her bags. From there, one valiant white knight offered to escort her all the way outside, where my uncle was waiting to pick her up. 


And so he wheeled her to the escalator and asked her if she was sure she could ride down without the aid of the wheelchair, because she might hurt herself. He could always wheel her to an elevator. Again, she insisted, "No, I'm fine, really." And again, he insisted he help her, so he held her elbow as they rode down the escalator...

And as they went down... he tripped. And he knocked into my grandma. And he sent both of them tumbling down the escalator.


That's right, the man who wanted so badly to help escort my 90 year old grandmother because he was concerned she would hurt herself... knocked her down an escalator. After which he immediately fled in embarrassment, never to be seen again.

Meanwhile, a group of airport employees came around, scared that A) she was hurt and B) she would sue them. But grandma was okay, other than being a little banged up, and just wanted to go home. 

(Later, as she told this story to me, she lifted up her pant leg and showed me a huge purple bruise that covered her whole shin. "See?" she said. "Barely a scratch. I was fine!")

They offered to call her an ambulance, but she was up and walking, and just wanted to take her bags and go. And so the airport staff reluctantly sent her on her way... after, of course, they had one of their employees put her in another wheelchair and push her out to my uncle's car.


Thank God my grandma's a tough little cookie, otherwise she could have been seriously hurt. But let that be a lesson to us all. Next time you offer to do something nice for a little old lady, and she absolutely insists she can do it herself, just let her do it. Otherwise you might end up being that jackass that pushes an old woman down an escalator.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Courrier
Beer: Sam Adams Belgian Session

I need to stand next to my grandma more often. She makes me look like a damn giant.

62 comments:

  1. What an idiot! He's lucky he fled the scene. Sounds like your grandmother could've kicked his ass as well.

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  2. Ha! Yes, when adults insist on doing things themselves, I tend to believe we should let them. And we should definitely not push people down escalators, as fun as it may seem.

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  3. You are both precious!!! What a douche elevator dude was. I wish Granny could have clobbered him with her purse before that chicken shit ran away.

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  4. I can't believe he ran away :O What kind of a fucker would knock down an old lady, and then run away without helping her up?

    I'm glad she's okay, I bet that young person was totally bruised and crying.

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  5. Was he on drugs? What a moron. Maybe he ran out and got hit by a taxi or something lol

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  6. I love that your Grandma is so vibrant at 90. (plus she is so cute!)

    I would be concerned about the repercussions "senile gob of melted, wrinkled flesh, held together by a tacky sweater" line. I am sure the centenarians are banning together to protest. Luckily it will take a while for them to congregate because they are having to fight off the people trying to get them to sit in wheelchairs.

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  7. She is one tough old lady. I miss my grandma really. I was pretty young when she passed so I don't have any badass grandma stories. Up to me to make some of my own for when I have grankids.

    I can totally be a badass, no nonsense, gradma. I'm sure of it.

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  8. Awwwww, you're such a good boy to visit your Grandma! Glad she survived the airport.

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  9. Please tell me your grandma reads this blog. She's a tough old lady, I think she could handle it!

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    Replies
    1. I think it's best my very, very old school Catholic grandma DIDN'T know any of the shit I say on here. Including what I just said.

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  10. No good deed goes unpunished.

    I'm glad your grandma surived all those do-gooders. I've learned a lesson to never help old people, no matter how much they plead.

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  11. And everyone though chivalry was dead. No. Far from it. Chivalry is back, and it's back with a vengeance.

    And, damn. Your grandma looks healthier than some 50 years olds I know... and, well, me.

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  12. always use the elevator lol

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  13. Oh my! I usually behave crazy in these situations, more than helping your grandma I would have chased that dumbass and replaced my fist for his face. I was in my 8th month with my twins and in the crosswalk a lady was pushing an old man in wheelchair apparently he couldn't walk and this woman pushes too hard and the grandpa he could move, face was down hands stuck and legs twirled and she stood there screaming " I ad never done this before" repeatedly instead of picking him up. I ran fast and tried to get him up. Imagine the scene the woman who can't see her own legs or toes trying to lift a grandpa lying still in baby on his tummy position.
    Luckily some more guys rushed and helped us both all the while my husband stood frozen and did nothing. Every person's reacts in their own way but fleeing the scene is ...

    Your grandma has a cute face. Some grandmas have "make you smile" face and she has one. I love my grandma ly she can't hear properly or see clearly .. Bless her heart.

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  14. She sounds a lot like my grandma yet shorter. Mine is 98 and at age 90 was actually hit by a bus. Totally the bus drivers fault too. Broke her leg yet she's still going. Grandmas are bad ass.

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    1. Grandmas over 90 - once you've made it this far, you're pretty much indestructible.

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  15. haha I'm 4'10 so I imagine I'll be about 4 even when I hit 90.

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  16. This is a good guys. Now I'm jealous though. Got any Grandpa stories?

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    1. My grandpa was a bit of a deadbeat (gambled away grandma's wedding ring, for example) and left very, very early. Like, when my dad was 4. So not only does my dad not know his own father, but I've never even met this guy or know where he is. Last I heard (from relatives), he was seen sleeping at a bus station in downtown Denver, begging for spare change.

      Meanwhile, my grandma raised all of her kids in the 1960s as a single mom and has always just been tough as nails. I don't know how she did it.

      Good lord, that was depressing, wasn't it? Let's stick with grandma stories... :)

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  17. I learned real early that when an elder says something, you pay attention. My grandfather once told me not to try to garden, and there I was.. in HIS garden.. with a pick-ax.. never again.

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  18. She's so cute! My gran was a little bitty thing too and she wouldn't allow anyone to help her with things either. She was a real scrapper.

    I like this post, it's very touching to see how much you care for your gran. You're a nice boy.

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  19. It actually pisses me off that he made the mistake and then left, that's what annoys me, fair enough he thought he was some kind of white knight but for him to walk away from that and not come back is actually disgusting really annoying. I like your grandma though buddy, she sounds like quite a lady and you can tell you love her. Grandmas are just the best! On a side note I laughed at that photo too so I guess we're both headed for hell!

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  20. I always imagine some old people prefer doing everything themselves just so they don't feel like they're getting old and weak and useless. I sympathize with them, because even at my young age, I already fear the day I'll be sitting in a chair all day, hope I'll remain strong and vital forever. (Wait no I'm already in my chair all day.)

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  21. Your grandmother is a total bad-ass! That photo is adorable.

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  22. It's funny how we're always worried about the elderly hurting themselves. Like when they're in their 90's they give a flying f$#k!

    Especially the generation currently in their 90's. They survived WWII (da big one), a depression, four decades of Gilligan's Island reruns, the Nixon administration and a term and a half of Obama, and they're going to be scared they might fall down and break their hip?

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  23. I had to call Laurie over to read over my shoulder by the time you got to the "tacky sweater" bit. I can't believe some idiot would actually run away after tripping her down the escalator! I guess I should put him up for my AH-CRAP award (refer to comments section of last post for details.) Seriously, glad your Granma is okay. Maybe you should get some old Laugh-In tapes of Ruth Buzzy taking the umbrella or purse to Artie Johnson and explain that it's a PSA on how to handle unwanted meddlers.

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  24. That's hilarious. What a tool that guy was.
    Your grandmother sounds awesome. I'd totally refuse to offer her any help AT ALL.

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    Replies
    1. And trust me when I say she would love you forever for this.

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  25. I adore your grandma and I'm almost her height. That man was a jackass not for insisting on helping, but for fleeing the scene after injuring her. He clearly didn't really want to be helpful. What a bastard. Glad she's so tough. Little ladies are made that way.

    xoRobyn

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  26. hmmm Gangsta Grandma needs to hunt him down!!!

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  27. Yep. Your grandma freaking ROCKS. The end. Oh, there has to be a special place in Hell for guys that push 90-year-old women down an escalator.

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  28. What a douchebag, agreed, she needs to go on the hunt

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  29. Your grandmother should probably be a recurring character.

    She's WAY better than those Bryan and Brandon characters!

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  30. The airport folk should have pulled a CSI on that guy, pulled all the security tapes, and tracked him down. Seriously.

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  31. Let's hear it for Grandmas! Not necessarily what everybody thinks.

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  32. Love the creepy smiles you drew on those guys faces. Is that the "I'm such a wonderful person for helping out this old lady" smile?

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    1. Bingo.

      (I'm glad someone actually noticed that)

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  33. He ran!?! Isn't that a crime? You can't run from the scene of an elderly maiming and not get arrested. I think. Having worked for various nonprofits the last few years, I spend a lot of time courting old ladies hoping they'll put us in their wills. It feels gross, but not as gross as their skin! HEY! HA! HO! WHOWEE! HIGHYO! You're welcome for such high-end humor.

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  34. Seriously... he ran away?? He didn't at least sheepishly help her up while avoiding eye contact??! Wow. Glad your granny is a toughie!!

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  35. Yikes! You are right about one thing. Don't ever try to help and "old" lady when she says she can do it herself!

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  36. He took off after knocking her down the stairs? Douche! Or maybe that was his plan all along, maybe he was an evil little-old-lady-pusher!

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  37. Never help anyone, then you won't push them down stairs. At least it should be that guys motto

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  38. Your G-Ma is HUGE!
    I don't push old people down escalators at all....I wait for pregnant women! I have some respect you know!

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  39. She doesn't look to happy to be in that photo. It basically screams "My damn grandson is putting me through this stupid shit again". :p

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  40. He stinking ran away? Oh my gosh Bryan what a pud- I really want to go to Denver and find him and beat his ass! Who could run away and leave her there after that?

    This picture of you and your grandma is freaking adorable! My grandma was 4 foot nothing and weighed a hundred and nothing. She was petite and cute and looked demure as all hell, but she more than made up for her small stature, with her outspoken mouth! In other words, she was my hero. Quite possibly the most AWESOME person I have ever known.

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  41. Yup, your grandmother looks like she can take care of herself. I did do the 'I'll help the old person' routine. And the old man told me to 'f' off. Next time, I might just let an old person fall or get run over by a bus.

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  42. Your grandmother is pretty feisty! Love that in a granny!

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  43. I think I love your grandma! The guy knocking her down the escalator is very funny. Lesson now learned.

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  44. I hate escalators! She does look tough and tiny.

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  45. "And then he fled..." What an ass, all the way around! Your grandma sounds awesome.

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  46. Karma is going to get that douche bag and with a quickness too. I cannot believe he ran! You know there is a video of him circulating around Denver Airport right now. Watch out Granny Tosser!

    Oh, and the BEST line: "No, that's not a compressed image, that's just a compressed grandma" - had me laughing hard!!

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  47. I love your grandma :)
    I want to be like her when I'm 90.

    Happy Weekend!

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  48. That “The Red Coats Are Coming!” line had me laughing out loud.

    >>… he knocked into my grandma. And he sent both of them tumbling down the escalator.

    Oh, that damned [link:] “RICHARD WIDMARK WANNABE!”

    Your Grandma’s cartoon self looks just like her non-cartoon self. Good artwork, Beer Boy Bryan!

    And, hey, I like your [link:] “PAT METHENY SHIRT”. (Any time you see Pat out of [link:] HORIZONTAL STRIPES, he’s out of uniform!)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

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  49. I think your grandma could kick my ass... and that is a sentence I never thought that I would say. Remind me not to make her mad or help her around an escalator.

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  50. haha my grandmom can wheel me around. This post made me nostalgic x'D

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  51. I didn't even know grandmas could have sisters. It seems like grandma is a standalone thing, like the Chrysler Building or that one really tall drink you can get in bars that have a "Tiki" theme. You know the one, it's in a glass kind of like a lava lamp? Maybe it IS a lava lamp.

    My grandma had a sister, too. Aunt Irene, we all called her, even though she was NOT my aunt. Her name probably wasn't "Irene," either. She had a son named Greg. We all called him "Gregory," except me. I just stared at his combover. Good times.

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  52. Haha, your grandma reminds me of my Mom who is 85. She is only 4'10" as well. Don't mess with those feisty old women.

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  53. OLD SOUL 4-B ~
    Hey, Bro, when you get a chance, be sure to check out the comment I left at Lee's dream blog (see URL below). I had this dream last night / this morning, and I think you'll find part of it amusing:

    http://afarawayview.blogspot.com/2013/07/does-god-speak-through-dreams.html

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  54. I have been sat here for about ten minutes laughing.your Nan is such a queen, and I couldn't love this post more x

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  55. Your Gran sounds awesome. I think my gran would have belted the guy who insisted she use a wheel chair, she would have been highly offended

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