Monday, July 8, 2013

An Idiot's Guide to Parenting

After such award winning posts as Your Baby is Ugly and Please Shut Up Your Screaming Children, we've gotten a pretty bad rap for not liking kids. Which isn't true at all. We just don't understand them.

This week Brandon and his girlfriend have had the absolute pleasure of having her niece and nephew stay with them. And it's been great, because even though Brandon has zero experience taking care of children or pre-teens, he's discovered it's actually kinda easy. And fun! Or maybe that's just because he has no idea what he's doing. Regardless, he's learned a few things.

First off, people make way too big a deal about potty training. It's incredibly easy. Just remember, people discriminate against age, but diapers don't.



Brandon also learned that diapers for pre-teens are called 'Depends,' and it's so much harder to wrestle them onto an eleven year old than it is to put them on a baby.

But that wasn't the only challenge. Feeding them can be tricky, too. We thought that children were notorious for eating anything they can get their grubby little hands on, but apparently that's not true. Especially of newborns.


Who knew babies could be so ungrateful?

Brandon also learned that children need a lot of attention. Like, for some reason they always want you to watch them. "Watch me climb this tree!" "Watch me fly this toy helicopter!" "Watch me ungracefully fall off this bike!"

I think we're both still developing that skill where we learn to feign interest over a child's mundane accomplishments.




Oh, Brandon also learned that it's really easy to make them cry.

But it's not without its rewards. We've both learned that it's really easy to make kids laugh. And as comedians, there's nothing more satisfying than being able to shut off your brain and unleash a torrent of fart jokes, rather than straining to come up with biting satire or razor sharp wit...

Kinda like we do with the blog on a bi-weekly basis.

So we may never fully understand kids, but we'll always understand the timeless art of the fart joke. Perhaps we have some common ground with children after all.

"Farting in Good Cheer" by Richard Newton, 1798
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
-B&B

Music: Phoenix
Beer: Stella Artois


53 comments:

  1. Maybe the baby is vegetarian? Did THAT ever occur to you? Hmmmm?

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  2. Now you know not to waste the prime cuts on the baby next time. Just give him the rump roast. With a side of fart jokes.

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  3. Don't forget burping! Burping & farting are the perfect comic combo for kids.

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  4. And bouncing. Don't forget the bouncing.

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  5. That baby just doesn't like your cooking.

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    1. Anyone who'd rather eat mashed peas over a grilled, grass fed New York sirloin is clearly a terrorist.

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  6. so now ypu are ex-member of "i hate kids club". I could write recommendation letters for babysitting for the above skills.
    Fart jokes aren't just comedians bread and butter but parents of small kids too. See you can just fart or burp aloud when you have a baby in your hand and people would turn and say "too cute""adorable".

    Potty training is like "time of the month" for a month or six months.
    Good lord, i could pull my tooth everyday without drugs but don't ask me to do that again ever ever again.

    Yeah ungrateful little minions. :)

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  7. You got to give kids some entertainment. Tv time with C-SPAN (but not c-span2 that's too thrilling) and a bedtime story featuring the dictionary.

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    1. Don't forget board games. I hear children absolutely love Risk.

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  8. I want to hear more about the lobster brawl advertised on your shirt.

    What do you do to make lobsters so angry and would the kids be interested in watching?

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    1. I tell each one that the other guy wants to cook him. I put boxing gloves on both. Then I just let the magic happen. $39.99, Pay Per View, sign up now.

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  9. Always remember to teach the kids the art of putting their hand in their arm pit to make the fart noise. Gotta impress their friends and teachers.

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  10. One day you both shall breed your own spawn and you'll find that you have no more time to write, to have fun, to sleep, to have sex. Wait a minute, I'm not exactly selling the idea to you am I?

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    1. Trust me, as a guy who puts out 2-3 books a year, the thought of not being able to write is even more horrifying than the thought of poopy diapers. :(

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  11. You guys should write a book about the art of babysitting, cause I see you have the talent. If I had any kids, I'd send them to you both, first class mail and all....:)

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    1. Make sure you poke air holes in the shipping container!

      We learned the hard way on that one the first time around.

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  12. Awesome - as a soon-to-be-auntie who has no idea how kids work, this is quite helpful!

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  13. Am I an idiot for actually considering these parenting tips?

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  14. I "get" to take care of my nieces over the weekends. I can attest that they are not very fun, hard to understand, and ungrateful. But smaller kids are pretty easy to get laughing and can be quite an ego boost.

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  15. Never tried fart jokes with my nephew. It might make up for my failure at Angry Birds. Thanks for the tip.

    xoRobyn

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  16. I can see where you guys will be pros in no time should the occasion arise for you to have kids around for more than a week. I will tell you that it gets less fun on a full time basis esp. when they start costing BIG money.... orthodontia, and college for examples. But to save you a little time on the learning process..

    A. TV is your friend and nanny.
    B. Diet: Mac & cheese, hotdogs progressing to pizza as they age.
    C. Don't be the house where the kids hang out...find the house where the kids hang out and send your kids over there.
    D. Let your kids run wild and call it progressive parenting. It's much easier than figuring out how to punish them.

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  17. "Watch me ungracefully fall off this bike!"

    I'd say, "Call me back when you can fall off the thing GRACEFULLY."

    And I didn't know teenaged girls clipped their toenails while driving. I thought they only painted them while behind the wheel.

    Bryan, imagine a bratty baby questioning YOUR renowned cooking skills! Why, of all the noive!

    That 1798 Richard Newton illustration... that's a bit more severe than just farting in one's "general direction", isn't it?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  18. hahaha oh on the watch me thing. That are like little attention whores, even want you to watch them wipe their butt haha fart jokes work though

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  19. I sure hope those kids survive!

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  20. Man how you must look down on me and my fascination with my son's emerging cognitive skills. Language development is probably the most interesting thing he's doing, but I'm regularly blown away by the strength he has. I see him pull himself up onto things in ways that fit adults would struggle with.
    In the end personality is emergent, and children reactive in ways that most people with limited contact will never understand. My child is amazingly sweet for us, towards strangers he's distant and quiet watching us for cues on how to interact with them.

    None of this is to say he's an angel every waking hour of the day, when he's tired or hungry it's hard to get him to work with you, if he's uncomfortable he doesn't have the language to tell you what's wrong and gets frustrated. Sometimes life calls on us to get things done and it requires us to push the kids further than they are regularly asked to and they behave poorly. Ask yourself how pleasant you are to be around when you're tired and hungry and multiply that out by having no shame or understanding of the world around you. Screaming is a semi-valid response. I know I've been guilty of trying to get one more thing done and not getting him fed in a timely manner. It takes a long time to unwind him once he's wound up. The absolute hardest is when they are sick, but in that regard it's even harder on the parents. It's absolutely soul crushing to see an infant throwing up and then look at you to make it stop.

    In short I'm sorry as people without children of your own you've come to dislike them, but goodness when/if you have I'm going to be the first in line to ask you if it's still as easy as you seem to think it is. It's like someone handed you the hardest puzzle in the world and some general guidelines that have worked okay with other puzzles that are similar, but few if any concrete answers about your puzzle. And all of that assumes that you get an "easy" one, you're fucked if you get a more difficult one.

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  21. That whole "watch me" stuff doesn't sound that dissimilar from writers. heh
    My kids are past the "look at me" stage; now, it's all "look at the cat" or "look at the dog."

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  22. I was elated to find out my roommate's ex-wife was not going to be staying with us for a month with her newborn child for exactly this reason. I am terrible at fart jokes.

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  23. Kids are hilarious. They keep you moving and keep your brain active (what are they doing in there?)
    I don't even know any fart jokes, sorry.

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  24. With a nephew I might have to watch over on its way, I want all the tips I can get! You forgot the easiest bit of parenting advice : the goddamn TELLY. Turn that thing on and kids go into a trance and just stare at it. No crying, no pooping or bawling for food. Easy.

    It's probably not good for their development though...

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  25. I actually prefer my steak a little pink on the outside, but nice and brown in the middle.

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  26. Don't forget handing out money like it's candy on Halloween!

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  27. If all else fails, take them to the zoo so they can watch the big, man-eating animals just lay around and do animal things. As long as those animal things don't involve making animal babies or eating people, it'll be fine.

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  28. Maybe because we never grow up ourselves, I hate the little feckers!

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  29. I'd let my kids hang with y'all any day. The now seven yr old can break ALL your shit with his ninja skills and the five yr old can ask more questions than a senate committee hearing.
    So when are they coming out to see their new uncles?

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  30. I've only kept my grand baby who is just over a year old. Now I need to nap for 4 or 5 years.

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  31. I don't envy Brandon at all for this experience, I'm with you guys when it comes to children, I just can't deal with it!

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  32. I haven't found any of your posts to be anti-kid. Anti-rude and clueless parents, yes, and amen to that!

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  33. A friend once asked me to take care of her kittens for a couple of days - which was, quite frankly, awesome - but nobody has ever asked me to look after a child. It's probably a good thing, because they are rather annoying. I think I'd end up taking the batteries out after only a couple of hours.

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  34. Easiest way to get kids to like you is bribe them, with candy. That's what I do and I'm sticking with it.

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  35. I feelthat you need to encourage them once they cry. I do it with my niece all the time. Once she starts crying I cheer her on "Louder, the people in China can't hear you. Show me some more salty delicious tears! You go girl!" , for some reason she always stops and stares at me.

    I feel she does not appreciate my cheering abilities!

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  36. When one comes about, you're life is done until they move out

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  37. You grow to enjoy it, or at least it gives one an excuse to act childish

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  38. Not just fart jokes, anything involving bodily functions is hilarious to boys.
    Farts, poo, vomit, snot...

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  39. Ah kids, they grow up so fast. It seems like only yesterday my little Sally was crying for no reason and pouting because I wouldn't buy her something and putting things in her mouth she probably shouldn't out of curiosity. Oh, no, I don't have a child, but I am married. [Thank you, thank you, you've been a lovely crowd. Please, no, I don't need a standing ovation.]

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  40. I'm in spam, like toe jam, blah

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  41. Spending the week with a 2 yo and a 7 yo. I am awash in fart and poop jokes and the never ending question WHY?

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  42. Haha! My friend has a 1 year old and all I've learnt is that they hate human hair and want to pull it from your head with their sweaty little death-grasp! xx

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  43. If not for that constant attention seeking thing, I'd be alright with them. I mean, if they wanna play my games with them, fine. But for some reason kids aren't allowed to play drinking games so that cuts the list real short.

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  44. Sounds like you guys are ready to adopt a baby. Or a case of bear. Either way, congratulations!

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  45. This is why in the battle of puppies versus babies that puppies win hands down. Not only are they cuter but you KNOW a puppy would chow down on that steak.

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  46. Oh, God, that 'jackass' at the end sent me over the edge.

    I can't wait for the how to book! I mean, why stick to fiction, when you have so much wisdom to impart?

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  47. Clearly you have superior child minding skills.

    I can never understand why all my female acquaintances are in such a hurry to have babies.

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  48. I absolutely love these diapers. I have a 2 month old daughter and the diapers fit her perfect with space to breath. They hold very well and have yet to leak. They are much better than expensive diapers. These diapers get a thumbs up in my book.
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