Thursday, June 6, 2013

Your Cat is a Dick

Hi folks. Today we're going to be taking a look at nature's cruelest animal: the domesticated house cat. Because, let's face it, your cat is an asshole. You know it, I know it, and the dog knows it. And yet we excuse it because they're cute. If these same behaviors were exhibited by people, would it still be acceptable? We think not.

So without further ado, here are a few reasons why your cat is a real dick.

1)  Because an innocent head scratch...


...will invariably turn into a game of "hey, look at my anus."


2) And if petting doesn't make him want to expose himself, it will surely bring out his masochistic side.


That's right, you pet your cat, and for 10 seconds he's happy. Until he decides he's suddenly not and bites your arm off.


3) Public showers? Yes please!





4)Your cat's brain is the size of a cashew. And yet, he's such a snob.








But in all fairness, the taste of an asshole is probably pretty comparable to the taste of light American beer.

So there you have it. Just a few reasons why your cat is an asshole. Hell, ours are too. So, why do we excuse it?


Oh, right. That cutesy crap.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Sapporo
Music: Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

53 comments:

  1. Awww I want a kitty! Um, that last picture it looking a little too fruit-vagina-y to me, though....

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  2. My fiancee's cat is the only people-friendly cat I've ever seen. His mother was actually adopted by the family dog, and that's how they got him. Might have something to do with it.

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  3. Topics of Discussion:
    1. let's please note the cat is no ordinary cat. it is in fact a human in a cat-like suit.

    2. the cat suit has a flap for humanoid butt cheeks (that are shaved no less) to fly high.

    Overall: EPIC.

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  4. Anyone comes over and they look at them like dirt and scatter
    Until they want you, you just don't matter
    The bed is their and to hell with you
    They even get us to clean their poo

    Yep, slave driving asses indeed

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  5. It's true, cats suck. Dogs, on the other hand, oh, man's best friend and all that. Love 'em.

    That last picture does look like a fairly accurate representation. Props!

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  6. I actually call my girlfriend's cat Dobby the Dick because, well, he's a huge dick. He used to just straight up attack me unprovoked, but he's better now. He only attacks me if I get within 2 feet of him.

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  7. Bahahahaha!!!!!!! I had no idea that you and my cat were friends :-)

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  8. Yeah, why is it they insist on showing you their asshole? And of course they are assholes themselves, that's why not a single cat owner is free of scars. The Egyptians were dumb, man. Freaking dumb.

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  9. No, not the eye of Sauron!
    Cats eat, sleep, and poop. And what do we get out of it?
    And the cat you drew on Andrew's site was cool.

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  10. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_Kitty You can't train a cat. Such assholes. haha!

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  11. "the ring of fire!" Also apparently it is cute if they bring you dead mice and birds...psychopaths! Sign me up for 75 of them please.

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  12. I lol'd the whole way through this post! Pricelees!

    I have yet to meet a cat who isn't an asshole! And yet we still put up with it!

    And selling shirts now? Awesomely shameless! I love it!

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  13. big mistake ,big mistake. In this country you can get away with "i hate kids" and even hitting them but about cats and dogs, aahhhahaaa, dont even go there.

    A humble request:

    If urbandictionary tries to recruit you,( I am pretty sure they are typing their offer letter - after your expertise in nomenclature ie naming cat's asshole as Sauron's eye) please say no.

    Already they have ruined almost every word and every idiom in English. Please please think about our future children, strike that I know you dont like kids too , think about future ??!!! android apps maybe?

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  14. LOL

    Not to mention they scratch up your furniture, meow to be let out just when you get into bed, and when you do finally open the door for them, they aren't even sure they really wanted to go out. In fact you're pretty sure they were just checking the weather.

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  15. I have no cat.... Caz the only asshole I can tolerate is mine :-/

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  16. I know my cats are absolute douches but they're just SO CUTE. I can't think of them as being douches for too long.

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  17. WOW, did that kitty have its asshole bleached? I hear it's all the rage!!!!

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  18. The eye of Sauron! Brilliant.

    I think I must own the only non-dickish cat in the world, cause mine is a total sweetheart. Never scratches or bites, always wants to be petted and loved, and never shoves her eye of sauron in my face...yep, I must have won the cat lottery.

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  19. A brilliant post, guys. The tag labels alone have me in stitches. The asshole here likes my bed. No matter how many times I throw him, angrily, out of my bedroom, he finds his way back in - in the middle of the night, with the door locked. Don't know how he manages to pummel through. I excuse it because, frankly, I kinda like having that male attention in the middle of the night. He's still an asshole.

    xoRobyn

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  20. The only thing cats are good for is their independence. Like fill the bowls and leave them for hours and hours. Reptiles are like that too, but lack the fur and cuteness.

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  22. Let's not forget choking up hairballs.

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  23. Judging by the pictures above, I don't think that's a real cat. It looks more like a furry to me. Still, I think your post is still relevant.

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  24. I have 3 cats that run my house. Totally run it. They determine everything from when we wake up to grocery shopping to sleeping positions. Furry little Hitlers.

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  25. I'm grown up with cats, I know all of those are true facts :P. They're only forgiven because they're cute as hell.

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  26. I don't have cats. Only liked a few cats in my lifetime because those particular cats were pretty special- to their owners. At the end of the day I could go home and pet, scratch and play with the dog. He always appreciates everything and is happy to see me. I <3 my dog. He's not an asshole the way cats can be.

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  27. I don't deny anything you said but even as snobby and temperamental as they are....yes even as they bite off our arms, they are still adorable. My cat send her PPPPssssttttt to you and yours.

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  28. Cats YIKES! don't care for them much, unless they are needed on the job OUTSIDE patrolling for rodents. They are sneaky, snarky, and seriously deficinet in caring about you, and then there's that a-hole thing.

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  29. My favourite part of this is the fact the cat has Moobs. My cat only 'showers' when I'm in bed and he crawls onto my chest, it's just awful x

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  30. Cats are crazy. And evil. And really cute. That's a pretty dangerous combination if you ask me...

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  31. The smarter they are, the worse it is. My cat got outside for a week and since she was already tiny, she was underweight when we got her back in the house. We started feeding her wet cat food to make her gain weight. Now she demands it every single day. The "rrrrraaaarrrrrr" noise is too cute though. Its like the cats discovered human weakness just to exploit it...

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  32. Keep reminding me why I don't have a cat, why don't you..

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  33. I agree with you so much here about how selfish these pets are guys but at the same time if Pat hears me he will freak out haha!

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  34. The world according to a dog:

    These people feed me and take care of me-they must be gods!

    ...and according to a cat:

    These people feed me and take care of me-I must be a god!

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  35. Loved the post, totally true. After all, who was it that said 'dogs have owners and cats have staff'? Probably a cat, a pretty snarly, snobbish, butt licking cat, who just sprayed on his owner's clean laundry....:)

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  36. Yep. The only cats I like...
    are those that think they're dogs.

    ~ Stephen

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  37. In my house, my dog is the snobbish asshole...although I have woken up to many a cat butt in my face. I think all my pets are assholes, and I'm the idiot who continues to feed them!

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  38. I love your last picture. It looks like Frank N. Furter's lips in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" only sideways.

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  39. And this is why we laugh when a cat falls down the stairs, but we rush over to our dog immediately to comfort it if he so much as stubs his toe.

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  40. cats are assholes and dogs like to stiff them, which is worse?

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  41. Cats just know what they want and it isn't us

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  42. I've begun conducting regular interviews with Leo so that we can develop a better understanding of what is and is not acceptable behavior from each of us.

    I've learned to accept the asshole thingy though. That seems to be non-negotiable.

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  43. I had a cat run away from home. The little bastard. That's why I'll always prefer dogs. Not to mention I had a cat attack me and scratch the hell out of my face when I was a small child. The little bastard.

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  44. LOL
    This is because of the cat pics I posted today, isn't it?

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  45. I didn't think you could beat "The Wasp: Nature's Rapist," but that "Eye of Sauron" joke was dead on.

    "Thanks, cat. Thanks for making this awkward." -- what I used to think when I would pet our cats.

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  46. That cat is a wee bit terrifying. I prefer a critter with an attitude over a lap dog, that's for sure. This made me think of a video that's going around Facebook right now, narrated by cats, of course.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  47. Last time I checked myself out in the mirror I found I had one asshole. Now it turns out I've got three, having two cats and all. Two cute assholes... and a nasty one. Now try and erase that image from your brains heh heh ;)

    The Eye of Sauron... hahaha

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  48. SO disgusting and SO true. I will never own a cat and just don't trust them. Who purrs them bites your hand? I don't want to see your butt hole, cat! Good day I say.

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  49. Cats, like bears (and women) are usually chaotic evil, meaning they enjoy the suffering of other living things. Interestingly, like dolphins, they only respond to positive reinforcement. Curious creatures.

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    Replies
    1. I'm neutral evil thank you very much.

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  50. Our cat is a complete diva and yes, she will rip your arm off if you do not scratch her head in exactly the right place for the exact (unknown) amount of time.
    Unless you are my son, then she is in love with you and will let you carry her around like a bag and come when you whistle (like a dog)

    ps guys, blog party at my place and you are invited :)

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  51. My cat loves me thank you very much. And apparently no one else is allowed to love me until they know very well and clearly that he loves me first. (He will actually stand in their lap, stare them down, and then come sit in my lap).

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