Monday, June 3, 2013

The Wasp: Nature's Rapist

I recently planted my garden for the season, which means a few things. First off, that summer is nearly here, and I have to start adjusting my pale, undernourished skin to natural sunlight after (what feels like) the world's longest winter.


Second, it means that I can sit out on my balcony with my garden, sipping a beer and enjoying the view. From my garden you can see lush greenery and the Rocky Mountains among a smattering of colorful houses.


(Come on, would you rather I draw some Bob Ross style landscape, or something funny? I thought so)

And third, it means that I get to be attacked by nature's rapist: the wasp. These little bastards, along with honey bees, are attracted to my fruits, vegetables, and flowers. But I don't have a problem with the honey bee. I actually kinda like them. They're fat, they're furry, and they're fluffy. And they don't really want to sting you, because doing so would rip out their stingers and kill them, too.

They're like lethal little teddy bears.


Not the wasp. The wasp is a big armored thug, with a poisoned stinger that can stab you as many times as he feels is necessary (which is pretty much as many as he can get in before you kill him).


So needless to say, I don't mind when I'm sitting on my balcony and a little honey bee approaches me. Because they're always cautious and gentle.


Not wasps. A wasp will invade your personal space and aggressively rape your face just trying to figure out what you are.



Sufficed to say, I don't like having my face raped (or stung), so I've been on a quest to rid my garden of them. And this is not an easy task, either. It's not like I can just spray my garden with wasp spray.




So I've resorted to some simple wasp traps. These are big glass domes that you hang in your garden and fill with sugar water. The wasp squeezes itself through the hole in the bottom to get to the sugar water, but is apparently too stupid to fly back out, so he gets trapped.


Only, I haven't caught any wasps yet. So far I've only caught a WASP.*


*White Anglo-Saxon Protestant

So hopefully soon I can take advantage of the summer and spend some quiet time in my garden writing. But until then, it's either stay inside or get my face raped by wasps. And I rather like not having my face raped.

Anyone got any good tips on how to get wasps out of your garden (or at the very least, keep them from raping my face if I want to just sit outside)?

Until then, I guess I'll just have to pit WASP against wasp and hope for the best.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Vacationer
Beer: Black Jack Porter


(Also, as an added bonus, here's Nicolas Cage in the fantastically ridiculous movie The Wicker Man)


Pro tip: when wearing a bee helmet, make sure to open your mouth as wide as possible while screaming.

63 comments:

  1. Ha! I love the gifs. The second one wasn't working so I opened it in a new tab and it's called murder.gif which is awesome.

    Also, I'm not clicking on the youtube vid but I can see the screenshot of it and WHAT THE FUCK MAN. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

    *runs away from the bees*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reuploaded it, and it looks to be working now. Stupid Blogger.

      Also, you're missing out. Watch the video. WATCH IT.

      Delete
  2. Cage is scary enough without the bees lol hate those wasps too. Little bastards don't know when to go the hell away. No good tips though, unless you want to kill everything. But you could always get a mini flamethrower and whenever one comes near let them have it, just watch where you aim.

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  3. Bumbles are the the teddy bear bees; honey bees are brown and yellow. I know this because I'm allergic to bees and it's good to know which ones will kill you with a bubble butt hug or come at you like a serial killer. When I get stung it's a tough choice between jamming the epi pen in my though or using the the three inch long needle to stab the fucker who tried to kill me.

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  4. Look into a beekeepers helmet, its netting all around your head. Or a motorcycle helmet, the ultimate face condom, but that would leave your neck exposed so he sure to include a sexy scarf and get pictures for your girl and gay male fans.
    Thanks in advance.

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  5. What a sad little man you are...confined to the indoors over a little wasp! It's no wonder your face is a rape magnet!

    You want to get the best of the wasp? Invest in a fly swatter...and have the nerve to actually use it. Once you do that all you have to do is sit outside with your fly swatter hanging off your chair and the wasps will no longer "bug" you. See that pun? Take that cheesy news shows!

    Make sure you leave the wasp guts on the fly swatter. It sends a powerful message!

    Next you need to....OH SHIT!!! A WASP!!!!

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  6. I was actually going to try that sugar water technique because I have an infestation of those tiny fruit fly things in my house. I think I murdered about 40 of them yesterday, but, like a hydra, everyone I killed multiplied upon death into 3 more.

    But, yeah, fuck wasps.

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  7. I LOVE the little "boop". Hysterical! It reminded me of Superbad. (Little secret: my hubby and I do that to each other's noses all the time.)

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  8. One of just the many reasons I don't enjoy the great outdoors. Wasps, spiders, bugs in every shape and size are out there, just waiting to pounce on me...

    We had a nest of wasps out back that we were unaware of. The Husband stumbled upon it and got stung multiple times. Had to rush him to the ER. His hand, arm and back were so swollen, he was a mess. I called in a friend who happens to be an exterminator. He came over while we were out and dropped a nuclear bomb on our yard. The fall out was tremendous. Absolutely nothing survived. Nothing! I'm not sure what chemicals he actually used- but whatever it was we didn't hear a peep outside for months- it was so damn quiet. It was like a bug apocalypse :)

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  9. The fantastically awful Wicker Man...
    That's why I don't like to go outside. Bug. Evil bugs. They're all out to get me. And unless you sit there with a can of wasp spray and zing them from twenty feet away, you're dead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen, Alex. Outside is where people go to get hurt.

      Delete
  10. I love honey bees. Those fat little fellas don't want any troubles, ya know?

    The *boop* made me LOL until I cried. Thanks for that on this rainy Monday morning.

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  11. Totally agree with the bee vs wasp thing! Wasps are mean!

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  12. I've got wasp problems too... They've chewed through the screen on my attic vent window, and replaced it with a big paper hive.

    The problem with this is, my office is a room directly below the attic, and the room is not finished, so they come down through the insulation, and bounce off of my lightbulbs. ...and the problem with that, is there's one directly above my keyboard.

    Paper wasps are classified as "Moderately aggressive", but I think that's misleading in my case, because by the time they land on my keyboard, they've tried getting back to the attic, then bounced off the light bulbs, and they're mad.

    Of course, I too can't just start spraying the room, it's where my books and computers are... So I've resorted to a bottle of windex. I stand about four or six feet away, and shoot until it's grounded, then I squash it with a book, or torch it with a barbecue grill lighter. Little bastids.

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  13. I don't really have much of an idea on how to stop wasps. I tend to just try and avoid them like the plague they are. I do like sitting the in the garden actually but unfortunately my garden isn't really sit-in-able.

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  14. Hilarious post esp. your cartoons. Great gifs. (I seriously need to learn how to do that)

    As for killing the wasps (not the white anglo protestant types but the face rape type) I see that not everyone takes the same level of delight in shooting wasp spray and watching them freeze in mid air. This is the closest thing I will ever be to a WWII gunner. I actually deserve a medal for my expertise at taking down the enemy. While typically I don't take joy in killing things but wasps just beg for a fight.

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  15. I get confused between wasps and yellow jackets, or if they're the same thing. I loved the gifts, I'm still laughing at "boop". Nature is a scary place, best to just avoid it.

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  16. We get carpenter bees around here. They're these fat little buggers and they chew holes in the wood. My wife put a bunch of marigolds in flower pots all around the deck because that's supposed to repel them, and so far it seems to be working. We got rid of them last year that way. They came back this year, so my wife just went out and got more marigolds, and I haven't seen any out there for a couple of days.

    I don't know if it works with other types of bees though. Worth a try, maybe. Worth looking up at least, eh?

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  17. Haha, good job on the gifs man, those are hilarious!
    *boop*, hehe
    I kind of wanted to start spending days with my laptop on our terrace, but you made it a lot scarier just now. Don't think we have a lot of wasps up here though, way too high for em, right? Right?
    ):

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  18. I feel your pain. I have wasps trying to make nests all over my house under all my eves. Such a bitch. I use those sprays to kill their nests, but the rest of the time, I too use the traps you mentioned.

    Those little bastards.

    Cheers!

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  19. STMcC here, writing from Phoenix, Airheadzona, where it's been over 100 degrees for a few days now. A sure sign that Summer is coming... for the next 5 phuckin' months!

    WASP Vs. WASP... why am I suddenly reminded of Mad magazine?

    Never saw Cage caged in 'The Wicker Man' because I heard it was, like, one of the worst movies ever made. Too bad though, because I think 'The Wicker Man' original, from 1973, was one of the best Horror movies ever made. (Not a film genre I'm normally a fan of, but that movie is simply creepy, and some images from it I could never forget.)

    Also... love the moving bugs, 4-B. ...Gettin' all high tech 'n' stuffs!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  20. I'm allergic to all forms of stinging death so I avoid all forms of yellow and black flying death.

    I'll see your bee video and raise you wasps from hell.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2P7Q1ncgcoY

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  21. Hey fellow bee lover! Also glad to see the wicker man video again. Makes me laugh everytime.

    As for solutions to your wasp problem, the only thing I can suggest something that eats wasps, like birds perhaps. Then you'll need cats to get rid of the birds and a bear to get rid of the cats. Problem solved.

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  22. We had a nest of red wasps on our patio last summer. My husband tried to lean out the back door to spray them, keeping it half open so he could duck back in quickly if he missed. I'm not ashamed to admit I pushed that man out the door and locked it.

    I hate bees. Sacrifices must be made.

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  23. I've read that the dryer sheets (like Cling-Free) will keep them away, if you tuck them in your pocket, shirt collar, and anywhere else around you.

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  24. I don't much like anything that stings. I get flail-y. I'm sure it's entertaining from afar.

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  25. Maybe you just need to have a continual garden party on the far side of your garden serving white bread with lots of mayo on the sandwiches. And bananas. But not too much of any one thing! WASPS hate to be overfed!!

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  26. Wondering when you were using the "WASP" reference, but too bad you didn't use Blackie Lawless from W.A.S.P. or some other WW-II reference, ah, so many to choose from.

    Wasps are pretty bad-ass. Oddly, I know a guy who catches them and harvests their venom, for what I suspect only evil. Worse still, I've seen vids of guys putting their "John Thomas" in a cage with them to "enlargen" their "member". Ow.

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  27. I live in Redneckville with some cool libbies and few WASPs. Well, there are plenty. I just don't associate with them. Nor do I have a green thumb. Plastic plants are known to die in my care. Sorry I don't have any suggestions for you, but I love the moving images. You're taken your artwork up another notch. Great work.

    xoRobyn

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  28. Lol awesome gifs! And I totally agree with the wasp-thing. They are horrible.

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  29. Loved the pictures. I hate it when I'm trying to enjoy the outdoors and those bastards won't leave me alone.

    I don't really have any suggestions other than maybe pee around the perimeter of your balcony. Maybe that will keep them away.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Lucky bastards, I wish I could have a mountain view from my window!

    Wasps are okay where I live, because we get the solitary types - the lone mama wasp who just builds a tiny nest to lay her eggs. It's almost cute.

    But here's the thing - motherfuckin' HORNETS. I don't know what happened, but I think a hornet nest got broken by someone and this entire legion of hornets flew by our house (there must have been 200 in the group). These armored, fat bastards tried to come in our house, but our ceiling fans were on. Two of them collided pretty hard with the fans, and left. The fans did not hurt them a single bit :O

    Anyways, we had to close all our windows real quick. But they flew by really quickly.

    That Wicker Man clip always cracks me up, but it also reminds me of that part in 1984 when the guy gets a cage of rats placed around his head *shudders*

    As for your wasp problem, I would suggest a fly swatter. You get those electric ones, that look like tennis rackets. You swoop at them and buzz them dead. Killing wasps AND practicing your tennis.

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  31. Hmmm...I'm not an expert on wasp traps, but here's a link telling how to make traps and offers some prevention tips. Good luck!

    http://tipnut.com/wasp-trap/

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  32. If your going to wear a bee helmet, I find it best to have the feckers on the outside.

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  33. I don't worry so much. I just make sure to be outside with a person the bugs like more than me. Does it help if you dislike the person?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The only other person here is my wife, and I'm quite fond of her. Especially of her face, which I prefer "un-raped."

      Delete
  34. One time, a yellow jacket actually cut a slice out of my elbow and ate it. You think it hurts to get stung, wait till they sit down on you with their silverware and start eating.

    I think you need to get one of those bee helmets.

    We already have our first tomato on one of our plants.

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    Replies
    1. This may be the most horrific thing I've ever read. Thank you, truly, for making me never want to step foot on my balcony again.

      Delete
  35. What you need is a zapper. In the VI we have these little tennis racket like things called 'zappers'. You stick a battery in and just give those pesky little buggers a swat. It makes a satisfying little pop as it fries them on the spot. It's actually fun to watch the bodies pile up.

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  36. It HAS felt like a very long winter here in Colorado. I always forget to let my skin (gradually) get used to the intense summer sun...I'm already pampering a sunburn. :( Good luck with the wasps. Your garden sounds amazing.

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  37. I pretty much don't like anything that could potentially stab me with its ass.

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  38. I like the "boop" bee! I had to go back and watch it again, just because Wicker Man brings me down, LOL. Stupid-ass movie. "Oh no, not the bees!" gargle, swargle, gulp. Shut your mouth!!!! And though I didn't watch Simpsons more than a couple times, I did see one this reminds me of. "Oh no, not the dogs with the bees in their mouths!" Or some such thing.

    And, no, I have no magic formula. We did hang one of the yellow wasp traps up, and it actually worked quite well. I felt sort of bad, but not bad enough to continue allowing face rape, so...

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  39. I would just squirt some honey on your neighbors balcony. Let them deal with the bastards. I get those ones that burrow into my wood deck. leaving perfectly round holes. The big fat fuzzy looking ones. I wait till they fly in the hole and squirt a shot of Brake Clean in the hole. Kills em instantly and the residual spray evaporates super fast

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  40. re: your comment,
    Am I correct in assuming that "the house of their client" is passive because it lays focus on the house, where it should be on the fact that the house is that of their client,
    and that "their client's house" puts that focus where it belongs?
    I probably didn't explain that right, but yeah, I can at least tell the difference now. Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  41. That's Oscar winner Nicolas Cage to you, buddy.

    I'm pretty sure he won for that film... Maybe not.

    However, his acting is a wonderful audio/visual approximation of what getting raped by a wasp must feel like.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Wasps are common around where I live. They don't bother my general living area because I have a tall tree with flowers. And I don't really garden. Hm. I don't think that helps any.

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  43. You guys are the only people on the planet except Eddie Izzard who could make garden insects funny! Right on, though. Bees have an ecological purpose, and we can steal their honey. Wasps are just assholes.

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  44. Reddit knows everything. EVERYTHING.

    http://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1dfp3z/lpt_convince_wasps_to_move_without_killing_them/

    You're welcome.

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  45. Bees are cuute... and those freakin' wasps are eeeeevil D:<

    Nicholas Cage is hilarious in that movie. I crack up laughing when I watch it, and my family's just like 0-0 wat

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  46. gifs? you do gifs???

    We smoke them out, now if you had mole troubles I could write a book on that. My dad tested many many methods...and now he uses sort of grenades..cough.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I had no idea that WASP stood for a White Anglo Saxon Protestant haha, caught me off guard and I can't stop laughing now. I hate wasps too, like you say they're like thugs and I hope that your trap catches some more, enjoy the sun though buddy, I'll be the first to admit that I'm jealous of your view of the Rocky Mountains!

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  48. LOL I hate wasps too... when I was a kid I was playing in the park and somehow two ended up in my jeans and started stinging me. I still have nightmares about my mum ripping my pants off in front of everyone to get them out.... xxx

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    Replies
    1. ALSO I just opened the second gif in a new tab and I'm so happy it's called murder.gif. My boss is going to be asking about my internet history though... x

      Delete
  49. Make your face unattractive so the wasps won't want to rape it.

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  50. Boop! Completely love that :) But dang it all, why do you post a video that I feel compelled to watch? I'm seriously disturbed right now, mostly because why did he scream and yell? Maybe if he would have stayed quiet, the bees wouldn't have stung him. Dummy. But that's Nicolas Cage for ya.

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  51. My mom is allergic to wasps and we have several nests around here, so let me know if you find anything that works. We mostly just hide inside. For a mild sting, putting meat tenderizer on your arm will help draw out the poison. For a sting where their stinger is torn off, laugh hysterically that they will die while you call 911. Or, that's what we do.

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  52. We get those horrible wasps here. Nasty little buggers just love to gate crash our barbies

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  53. I'd love your take on a Bob Ross style landscape so I'm very very very disappointed. I wish a wasp would sting me now.

    That Wicker Man sucked like a non on Sunday. I mean that in a nonreligious way.

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  54. Wasps are indeed evil. Did you know that they even come in giant versions?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ichneumonoidea

    Closest I have ever come to a fatal car crash and heart attack.

    ReplyDelete

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