Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Church of Beerintology

L. Ron Hubbard, that mediocre Science Fiction writer, once said that "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion." So he did, and he created something even more terrible than his literary fiction, Scientology. And a few decades later, he has the undying loyalty (and financial support) of such notable spiritualists as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and even Vince Offer (the Shamwow guy that beat up a hooker!).

So, in completely unrelated news... we're starting our own religion. See, it seems that while drinking beer the other day we inadvertently discovered the one true religion (I'm sure you know how that is).







And so we have founded the Church of Beerintology, the religion of drinking until you "speak in tongues", and then someone shakes you really hard to purge the evil out of you.

It's scientifically proven.*
*not guaranteed to be scientifically accurate

As prophets, we bring you our 6.5% Commandments (by volume) to live by...

1) Thou shalt not spill.

2) Thou shall belligerently spurn all other religions. You know, being as how they're all wrong and we're not.

3) Thou shall observe the Sabbath. And by Sabbath, we mean "happy hour." Because only a blasphemous heathen pays $7 for a room temperature Bud Light.

4) A woman shall at all times be covered, except for her wrists... no, sorry, wait...a woman shall at all times be uncovered except for her wrists.


5) Thou shall drink beer (the holiest of liquids) in observation of the following holidays:
Oktoberfest
St. Patrick's Day
Mardi Gras
Cinco de Mayo

6) Thou shall honor the Vomitous Conception at least once weekly by praying to the porcelain god.



And finally...

6.5) If thou art seeking moral guidance, or the secret to living a happy, fulfilling life, thou shall donate no less than 10% of thy gross total income as a tithe to the Church of Beerintology in order for the secrets of the universe to be revealed to you. Because, come on guys, that stuff ain't cheap.

Forget all the bullshit you heard about puppies and sunsets and the laughter of children. The true key to happiness comes from paying us thousands of dollars so that we may impart our drunken, prophetic wisdom upon you.

Now go forth my children, and spread the word of Beerintology to all you know, preferably your rich friends.*
*No poor people, old people, or Canadians allowed. 

Cheers and stay holy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Strokes
Beer: Shiner Bock

72 comments:

  1. Shutup and take my money!
    Oh wait, you said no poor people *frowny parenthetical*

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read on here, I think I'm more than ready to make the conversion to Beerintology! That Tom Cruise thing has me wanting to roar with laughter guys, look how happy he looks despite is strange quest for gay curing beers. Good point about Mr Hubbard, he has a lot of explaining to do the greedy bugger.

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  3. Do you have a separate wineologists sect that I could join? Or would I be shunned by the beerintologists?

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    Replies
    1. We accept all forms of alcohol. Except wine coolers and Zimas. Because those are for little girls.

      Delete
  4. I love it how one of the labels for your post is "gay Tom Cruise". I wonder how many people will search for "gay Tom Cruise" online with their underpants round their ankles, come across this page, and leave bitterly disappointed.

    Still, the religion sounds great. If you collect enough bottle tops, can you work your way into the clergy?

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    Replies
    1. The only way to salvation is cold hard cash, but we WILL allow you to take out loans with ridiculously high interest, unreasonable payoff dates, and debt collectors that may or may not be grunts with baseball bats.

      Delete
  5. Tom Cruise really needs to come out the closet. I would happily follow you guys in your religious order but unfortunately I am an old and poor Canadian woman who exhibitionist days are long behind me.

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  6. You had me until you brought up the porcelain loo, I just can't worship a place that is covered in shit 99% of it's life lol

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  7. Argh, you bastards, I was going to write a blog post about starting my own religion! :D

    I was thinking of starting something like New Age Sufism - tricking white people in to thinking that there is something mystic and spiritual about acting like a hippie. I mean, you tell someone to be a hippie, and they scoff at you. But you package it as some mysterious, eastern spiritual movement, and people eat it up.

    Take yoga, for example. Every time someone says that yoga is increasing their "shakti", I laugh so hard. Even in India, no one says that something increases your "shakti". It's complete nonsense. Yoga is just Western gymnastics, repackaged by this guy in the 60s, to promote the Indian nationalist movement.

    Anyways, my New Age Sufism is the way to go, and this Beerintology religion is cult nonsense. I refuse to acknowledge your church and your followers. Only New Age Sufism is guaranteed to bring peace to the soul.

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    Replies
    1. ^^this. :)

      Why all these backpackers go to India in search of god and religion? All they do after "donating" their money is drink "soma" (low quality booze) and smoke "ganja" (weed) and sing "hare rams hare Krishna". While their "celibate" spiritual guru has orgies till cops arrest him and seal the ashram.
      even Steve Jobs.

      Why don't these westerners talk to their mom? I talk to mine and she keeps me humble and other problems seem nothing. No problem is worse than listening to my moms judgemental crap and gossip..

      Delete
    2. I was going to start taking yoga but my Chi is pretty low, so I think I have to go to the Yoga Doctor and get a Chi injection first.

      Delete
    3. You can also increase your chi by doing "surya-namaste" (stand in front of the sun) for 200 hours, and then pay the yogi $200 for some liquid "aatma" (cheap weed mixed with cement).

      Delete
  8. I- I think I can feel the evil spirit rising. I-heerrb-yep, I have to take a visit to the porcelain shrine.

    "Thou shalt not wipe thy lip of froth. For if thou wipe thy lip of froth, thou shalt endure an eternity of lukewarm Smirnoff Ices and bad karaoke." - Lipiticus 23:12

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  9. Sadly, I can't join as I am old but I really think you are onto something here. Beerintology makes way more sense than Scientology and your books are more readable than Dianetics.
    If Hubbard could get people to send him money and believe all his BS sober, there should be no limit to having drunk people follow you and turn over buckets of cash.

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  10. Why is everyone picking on Tom Cruise? He's Maverick, can fly a fighter jet and look cool in shades!

    Beer is good. Beer religion...genius!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, and you can be gay and do all of those things, too. Did that just blow your mind?

      Delete
  11. The picture of Tom Cruise just killed me! Can't stop laughing...

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  12. I was sold till you said "gay Tom cruise".
    I am pulling out from yours and starting my own , I will add two more arrows to your beer bottle symbol.
    And add few more commandments.
    Legalize pedaphilia, polygamy, rape, murder, in the name of "beer". We promise 1000 hooris/virgins if they do anything in name of beer. If you are caught like for polygamy we always have van ready to leave to Mexico.

    And we have cure for all. All ex-gay-corism. We call "muslims","women" "blacks" as cursed and blobs of protoplasm as "person".

    And will also give you "seal of beer" which shall give you immunity everywhere you don't even need to pay tax. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. You need a holy book.

    No religion is complete without a holy book.

    I need to know who to hate!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't need a book to hate. Just hate EVERYONE.

      Delete
    2. Don't be silly. When you knock on doors asking people to convert, you should say beergod loves all.
      Sametime you need right and authority to label people as sinners based on what they eat, and who they sleep with, you definitely need a holybook to back that up.

      :)

      Delete
  14. Not sure I'd stay awake long enough to speak in tongues. However, I just might come up with a smash hit like Ina Gadda Da Vida.

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  15. The last cartoon made it all worthwhile...

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  16. Whoa! You BEER BOYS covered every single necessary aspect of a religion. You got your god right and your days right and your commandments right, and you even have the right sort of disciples (those with money, fame, and no Canadian citizenship).

    Truly this blog bit was divinely inspired, and I loved it. See you on the Sabbath (I'll be the guy on the last bar stool with his head slumped to the altar).

    This was one of my favorite ABFTS blog bits, mainly because I'm such a holy fellow and imbibe the holiest of liquids whenever possible.

    Love the fact that we got the return of "_____ Bryan". (Can't recall that nickname this early in the hungover morning, but it will come to me later and I'll return with it. What was it? You know, the sound Bryan makes whenever he's on the verge of tossing his "holy water"?)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    Replies
    1. I'm a little bit scared to learn what my nickname is. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't stick. Don't tell my close friends or family. They will absolutely abuse that.

      Delete
    2. It came to me about an hour later, while I was at work:

      Bryan: THE INCREDIBLE "HURK"

      Ahh, now you remember, huh?

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. Ah yes, now I remember! What a great nickname. And yet... let's still not tell my close friends and family.

      Delete
  17. Finally something I can really believe in, where do I sign up? x

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  18. The denial closet is probably the greatest thing ever.

    I wish I could help you out, but I'm a poor Canadian, so I'm not allowed according to the "rules" of your "religion".

    :)

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  19. I'm, um, still not up to beer, yet. My wife keeps trying, but it's just not my thing.

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  20. I don't drink, but if I did... Great idea :P.

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  21. Would it be blasphemy if I said that I really don't like beer?

    I like you guys though. Funny stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would, but as long as you pay your tithe, you can be forgiven. In fact, sign up for our daily e-mails and you'll instantly get 20% off your next forgiveness! (That's a deal you just can't beat with any other church)

      Delete
  22. I refuse to observe the puking commandment. I don't enjoy that shit at all.

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  23. hmmm, technically I'm too old being a senior and all. But couldn't I do something like the Unknown Comic and put a paper bag over my head with cut outs for the eyes and mouth? Then I could inscribe "unknown Beerintology member" on the bag.

    Think this would get me into one of your fests? huh? would it? please?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're never too old to drink a beer and send us money. Remember that, my child.

      Delete
  24. I'm sold!

    How does the Holy Church view smoking pot? Will it recognize the Holy Herb?

    Otherwise, I may have to nail a couple of theses to your door and start a protestant wave.

    if you want my address, it's number one at the end of the bar
    -Marillion

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is Colorado, home of the craft beer and home of legalized pot. I think you'll be right at home. So just send us $1000 and an ounce of your finest holy herb, for uh testing purposes, and you can be a proud member of the church. Very, very proud.

      Delete
  25. It makes a lot more sense than Hubbard's cult, and you've got a strong following already. I once stupidly bought Hubbard's book - the guy who sold it to me paid me a compliment, so I paid him for the book. I couldn't even get through the first paragraph without wondering what language it was written in and looking for the nearest trashcan.

    xoRobyn

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  26. While your new religion sure sounds interesting you haven't mentioned politics or sex. Tell me.just how do you have a religion nowadays with those two? Or is that the surprise awaiting new converts once they are fully committed?

    Also, as you already know, I'm not much of a beer drinker, but I have found other sources that bring me to my knees before the porcelain god.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Easy, just pay us a ton of money and we'll tell you exactly who you should be having sex with and who you should be voting for.

      Hint: they're both the same person.

      Whaaaa???

      Delete
  27. While this does indeed sound very intriguing I typically more prefer 8%-9% Commandments to live by. It really helps with the evil purging.

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  28. Man, I was ALL IN to join your religion, then I saw the no poor people exclusion and realized that included me. It's a shame too, I was really looking forward to the beer baptism.

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  29. That nice a body, and only a 5 when you're sober? Step up your game man, get some taste!
    Honestly though, I see where you're coming from. She isn't exactly a bottle of beer, so a 5 is pretty generous.

    (New Caves will be up in an hour or so, hang tight!)

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  30. Since I would not be able to afford to be part of this religion, I will start my own off-shoot. I will call it. Free-Beerintology. There is only one law. All drink that passes the lips must be free of cost. If there is no way to get free beer or liquor, then the consequences is limbo upon earth. Being sober is the punishment for the poor worshipers, but still their lot is wholly respectable in that they would rather suffer than pay or steal that which makes man a god.

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  31. Beerintology... I like that. Just keep Tom out of it, okay, or do you need the cash ;) ? As for seeking moral guidance.... why do you think I'm here? Take care, fellas. Now, give me a beer. I'm buying.

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  32. I'm underage and poor. So I'm guessing that I can't join in. Also, I do not like throwing up and that seems to be a requirement. Sorry guys.

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  33. I'm not sure I can uphold commandment #6 about praying to the porcelain god. I'm not one to spew forth or hold the hair of others when they do. Can I still join?

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  34. I'm old, poor and I don't like beer...but what the heck, I'll join. And if you don't let me, I'm suing for discrimination!

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  35. You shall now be known as The Two Witnesses. Don't forget your tax free status!

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    Replies
    1. "The Two Witnesses" - that's a good one, Ruth!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  36. I prefer any branch of non-theism. The only non-prophet organizations.

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  37. Ron Hubbard really said that? And they're still getting scientologists to see bad movies. Did you know they are asking everyone in their church to see the new Will Smith movie three times? And guess who gets a share of the $?

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  38. Oh man, I've been practicing this religion the whole time without trying! Whoa, hold on, I just read the fine print, I can't be poor!?! Shit, I'm out.

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  39. I'm not really a beer drinker, but can I join your religion if I promise to drink cider?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you promise to pay us, you can drink paint thinner for all we care!

      Delete
  40. Awesome as usual, and I am sure I'll be rubbing elbows with Travolta at Church get togethers. Wait, "rubbing elbows?" Is that a euphemism? I'm not ready for this.

    What I REALLY took from this is that every OTHER guy named "Vince Offer" has to introduce himself by adding "But not the one that beat up a hooker."

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  41. The only real way to make money now a days, i'm in

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  42. But what happens if everyone converts and you run out of beer, there will be a riot.

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  43. I have the best memories (and some vague recollections) of Mardi Gras and Oktoberfest. I remember saying how ridiculous it was to expose yourself for beads and then having to have every set I could at Mardi Gras. I also recall being kicked out of a drinking tent at Oktoberfest for sitting at a reserved table. Good times. Good times. I think I was on the path to your religion already!

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  44. In the name of the Hops, and the Barley, and the Yeast Fermentation, Amen.

    *glug glug glug*

    Is it too late to sign up for this?

    ReplyDelete
  45. And just like that you cut my dreams of finally finding a true religion caz I'm poor as a church mouse!

    Let me blaspheme before I leave - I s
    Don't even like Beer O.o

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    Replies
    1. Do I gain entrance by being liker #300 on Facebook?

      Delete
    2. According to Zuckerberg, Facebook likes are worth money, so welcome to the cult! Err, I mean religion!

      Delete
  46. I don't like beer. Can I still be part of the craziness?

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  47. Guys, no poor people? Here I am hoping for the facebook religions to change, and you're limiting this to.. people who don't care?! There's a serious problem here!

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  48. Time to start my own religion: The Church of Beerintology 2.0. We're better because we have the number 2.

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  49. Ron also once saved a bear from drowning apparently...here I thought they can swim.

    Never mind please accept all my life savings of 10 EUR!!!

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  50. That's hilarious, esp the Tom Cruise endorsement. How did you ever get him on the record w/o pay?

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