So, in completely unrelated news... we're starting our own religion. See, it seems that while drinking beer the other day we inadvertently discovered the one true religion (I'm sure you know how that is).
And so we have founded the Church of Beerintology, the religion of drinking until you "speak in tongues", and then someone shakes you really hard to purge the evil out of you.
It's scientifically proven.*
*not guaranteed to be scientifically accurate
As prophets, we bring you our 6.5% Commandments (by volume) to live by...
1) Thou shalt not spill.
2) Thou shall belligerently spurn all other religions. You know, being as how they're all wrong and we're not.
3) Thou shall observe the Sabbath. And by Sabbath, we mean "happy hour." Because only a blasphemous heathen pays $7 for a room temperature Bud Light.
4) A woman shall at all times be covered, except for her wrists... no, sorry, wait...a woman shall at all times be uncovered except for her wrists.
5) Thou shall drink beer (the holiest of liquids) in observation of the following holidays:
St. Patrick's Day
Cinco de Mayo
6) Thou shall honor the Vomitous Conception at least once weekly by praying to the porcelain god.
6.5) If thou art seeking moral guidance, or the secret to living a happy, fulfilling life, thou shall donate no less than 10% of thy gross total income as a tithe to the Church of Beerintology in order for the secrets of the universe to be revealed to you. Because, come on guys, that stuff ain't cheap.
Forget all the bullshit you heard about puppies and sunsets and the laughter of children. The true key to happiness comes from paying us thousands of dollars so that we may impart our drunken, prophetic wisdom upon you.
Now go forth my children, and spread the word of Beerintology to all you know, preferably your rich friends.*
*No poor people, old people, or Canadians allowed.
Cheers and stay holy, friends,
Music: The Strokes
Beer: Shiner Bock