Monday, June 10, 2013

Nanny 911: Who Needs Babysitters When You've Got The Police?

This weekend Brandon found out that, on a busy city block with almost ten dogs living on it, his two have been barking too much, because they bark about four times a day when someone walks down the back alley. Well, apparently it was bothering one of his neighbors (the only one on the block without dogs, and the only one without a job who doesn't leave the house all day). But, Brandon didn't hear this news from the "all-growed-up" adult neighbor herself. No, he heard it from the city of Denver, in the form of a citation, followed with a warning that if the problem wasn't addressed, the police would be involved.

Which brings us to today's topic, an important reminder for you all: that the police are here to help you handle the petty disputes that you should be able to talk out yourself, not to help you with assault, robbery, and murder.


After calling his wife, praying the rosary, and summing up his courage, Officer Bryan speeds to Brandon's residence...



Thankfully, none of them are packing heat, except for the dog, which is packing a small red rocket.

Meanwhile, across town...


That's right, because back on Main Street, the police are very busy dealing with some extremely unresolved emotional issues.




Meanwhile, across town, while Officer Bryan pulls out two "good boy" and "good girl" stars...


Back on Main Street...





And Officer Bryan resolves their dispute without any violence or bloodshed. Unfortunately, the chumps across town didn't take matters into their own hands like reasonable adults and this is the aftermath...


So remember, folks. The police are not there to "hold your hand" through a robbery, or an assault, or a murder. They are there to handle your petty neighborly disputes and be your own personal Dr. Phil. And if you're worried about being murdered, then I don't know, buy a gun or a really big katana or something, you big damn baby.

Now if you'll excuse us, it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and Bryan's neighbor has raised their music to a slightly loud volume, so we have to summon half of the Denver police task force to deal with this.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Robert DeLong
Beer: Sawtooth Ale

56 comments:

  1. Well on a bit of a serious note I hope things go okay with the dogs. It'd be a damn shame if you got in trouble or something over something like that.

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  2. Sounds like your police force is pretty much like ours. Although ours prefer to spend their time hiding in bushes to catch our cars going ever so slightly over the limit.
    Glad they didn't lock your puppy up for disturbing the peace

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  3. the only way to solve this is to get the neighbour a dog too...maybe she feels left out from the dog club?

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  4. I have a neighbour who lets his dog out unsupervised on the street. The dog then comes round to our house because it knows I'll knock on the neighbour's door so he can go home. I'd report it to the authorities, but I like the dog and I'd miss it if it didn't come round once a week. I don't know where I'm going with this story, but it seems relevant because it involves a dog.

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  5. I'm with you in this aspect of things guys. Recently I've got into some trouble with the police over something very very minor that I still feel like I shouldn't talk about around here and it's caused a lot of stress. Petty of your neighbour to not try and resolve the situation without instantly going to the police. The fact that some people feel the need to report people to the police for minor things is sad enough yet to an extent excusable but even worse and more ridiculous is the fact that the police waste time and respond to the calls, that's where I really have a problem. Sorry to hear it happened buddy.

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  6. We got a citation after our neighbors with dogs that jumped our fence every thunderstorm called to complain our dog had barked twice when I was at the grocery store. Twice. From inside our house. During the day. Cripes. I guess if our dog was just running around out in the street waiting to be hit by cars they would have been ok with that...

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  7. Holy fuck! Your neighborhood is filled with sociopaths :O

    I understand that a dog barking can be problematic to some people, especially if they have a phobia of dogs, but to file a police complaint?! It seems people have no tolerance anymore.

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  8. At least the neighbor didn't shoot his dog. That's usually what happens here.

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  9. That seems like the 911 operator should have intervened and talked the annoying neighbor down. Does this mean I can call the cops on a baby that cries too much? Let's give it a whirl!

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  10. Damn, and why do you live there? lol neighbors are such a pain in the ass. Time to give something to really complain about, flaming bag of crap.

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  11. This reminds me of a girl who phoned the police because she was about to get raped, to which the dispatcher responded with something along the lines of "with Obama's budget cuts, we're unfortunately short-staffed. Could you ask the raper to wear a condom?"

    Bah, I bear a bit of ill will toward cops because they've never helped me once. No, the only time I've had an encounter with them, it's turned out bad for me.

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    1. Actually, I don't think I've ever been helped by the police either. Fun story: I was once being chased by a maniacal road rage driver who was trying to run me off the road, so I call for help and the operator asks, "Is this an emergency?" and I say "Yes." She says, "Okay, so has anyone been hurt?" And I say, "Well, uh, no," so she says, "Okay, please hold, then," and actually puts me on hold, complete with terrible hold music. So I just hung up and drove like a demon to evade the guy trying to kill me.

      This reminds me of a great quote from the Simpsons (back when it was good).

      Chief Wiggum [to Marge]: Let me tell you what I tell everyone who comes in here - the law is powerless to help you.

      So Marge takes the law into her own hands, and attempts revenge. Then gets arrested.

      Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless!
      Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.

      Delete
  12. dogs are forbidden to bark too much? No 1st amendment for them.

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  13. Don't you just love that type of neighbor???

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  14. Neighbors suck. I often wonder what's crawled up someone's ass that a dog barking every once in a while, could offend them so terribly!

    My town is patrolled by State Police. The state police do not "want to step in" or get involved with petty neighborhood gripes. (They are much too busy handling more important matters, like shooting stationary radar on the parkway- a/k/a snoring in their patrol cars while vehicles speed on by) So, their response is usually that we work things out ourselves. (Ha!) No one even bothers to involve the Staties, because it winds up ending much worse-for everyone involved.

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  15. This ain't news! Cops have been settling community disputes for decades and allowing the violent crimes to run rampant!

    And damn, Bryan! You look good in uniform!

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  16. Totally agree with this post. I dont have any respect for cops anymore. Seriously, see if they are called to curb a autistic kid, they shoot him on the head and kill him on the spot and they cant proceed with any action because if something is not in their protocol, they cant do anything either.

    They are trained to settle and address only these sort of neighbour bickering, domestic dispute and some facebook post or twitter arrest.

    Not just cops, I am kinda fed up with this USA Law and Order overall. Kinda lame and ridiculous.
    They would call blobs of protoplasm as children and raise voice for them, meanwhile vote to call for genocide/jihad on some middleeastern country and strive hard to wipe the entire race out.

    And raise voice to sentence a teenaged moron to 10 years for a tweet while donate hundred thousands to a wanna cop with gun killing teenagers willynilly.

    And Simpson's Marge episode, totally, I was about to cite the same.

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  17. Did Brandon make up with his neighbour or made out with his neighbour? I dont want Dr.Phil cop's efforts go to waste. Hey, it is our tax dollars. :)

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  18. A citation means Denver revenue, stopping a murder yields no money so... when you vote Democrat, you get more taxes, and those get paid by? Hm...

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  19. Dig out your old boom box, make sure the batteries are nice and fresh, record a cassette tape of dogs barking (low tech, I know), and hide it (while playing, natch) in the neighbors shrubs.

    If you gotta pay the fine...

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  20. Damn, I wonder if my neighbor moved to Denver? Sounds just like that asshole. He did the same thing to us and then my redneck husband knocked on his door and opened up a can of whoop ass on him. We have never heard from him again. Guess he moved out west.

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  21. Ha! That is unfortunate. What if you're home and you let the dogs bark? Is that okay? Is it just that you're not home and they're doing it??!

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  22. Just call the police at night, tell 'em your neighbor is snoring too loudly. He can't prove he doesn't snore, and if he ends up settings up a mic, you can just say he probably used those (actually placebo) anti-snore drugs.

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  23. >>... Now if you'll excuse us, it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and Bryan's neighbor has raised their music to a slightly loud volume, so we have to summon half of the Denver police task force to deal with this.

    In Law Enforcement lingo that's known as a "Code Eleven". When the music's too loud, it's a sure sign that someone has cranked their speakers "up to eleven".

    Funny stuffs here, Beer Boys. The thug correcting the victim's poor grammar made me Guffaw Out Loud!

    ~ D-FensDoggBarking
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  24. It's just about the same in the UK. A ring of pedophiles targeting your two younger sisters? No! They're under the witness protection programme, we can't help you with that honey.

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  25. Oh - I didn't know cops were for petty disputes I'm too cowardly to fix myself... *calling cops on neighbours for "wronging" me*

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  26. As drastic as it sounds, you could always move. Apparently there is no law against barking dogs where dr. phil does his show.

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  27. "....which is packing a small red rocket."

    You just had to go there, didn't you?

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  28. I just think it goes to show you how safe Denver is! Sounds like a place women can fearlessly walk home alone at night...as long as they don't have a dog with them.

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  29. On a related note, make sure you steal a car in Washington State they don't prosecute or investigate. I know from personal experience.

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  30. Oh, man, the small, red rocket thing made me LOL, and my kid wanted to see what I was laughing at. The dangers of summer.
    Your post didn't update to my feed, today :( That problem with blogger seems to be getting worse. Good thing I saw it on FB.

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  31. I really like "Please continue to hold. Your murder is very important to us..." But if they really cared, they'd play more trendy - vs sleep inducing - music when they put you on hold. I think that's their way of reducing call volume.

    Someone was arrested in Chico for decorating trashcans with pretty designs - artsy, not graffiti or vulgar. They looked really nice. Meanwhile, we've had plenty of real crimes to keep the cops busy if they chose to protect and serve.

    xoRobyn

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  32. My little sister had a barking dog nuisance called in on her. Her dog Ceasar was mourning the loss of her other dog Scooter who was shot by officers for being loose and 'vicious'.

    One of the neighbors was letting Scooter out every day and putting him back in before anyone got home. Long story short, animal control and police officers arrived, police officers cornered the dog and when he ran up to the officer to greet him, they determined he was vicious and shot him. Her part of the world was now safe from Scooter approaching people to greet and lick them.

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  33. Over here the neighbours play report the new porch or driveway to the local planning officers and you get visited, have to pay money for this visit and submit a planning/begging letter to the planning officer and they write to your neighbours to see if your new addition offends them!

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  34. It's too bad that people default to abdicating responsibility as quickly as possible nowadays. And that's ultimately what's happening here - the neighbors don't want to deal with the consequences of their being annoyed, so they call in the relevant authority figure to handle their issues for them. If people would step out from beside the internet's veil of anonymity and, I don't know, talk to other people, the world would be a much more civil place.

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  35. I think I need to move out onto acreage...lot's and lots of acreage. There is always at least one REALLY bad neighbor. I did several posts on bad neighbors as this was our 21st move and I have a bunch of bad neighbor experiences. I haven't ever called the authorities on any of the bozos, though. I would be more inclined to call about dogs pooping in my yard (and I have a neighbors Mastiff that does that regularly) than one that just barks.

    I love the graphics. So funny...the smiling Tina is so funny. She did good!

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  36. You just have to love passive agressive adults. *shakes head*

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  37. So my neighbor hasn't mowed his lawn in awhile. Should I be calling the police about this?

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  38. The neighbor kids are playing in the laundry room because their parents are doing laundry. And the guy who works here hasn't done his job in a while. And I heard somebody use a slightly upset tone of voice. Better call the cops to fix all that!

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  39. I'd rather let my nuisance dog, Penelope from across the street, bark her brains out before I call the cops. I envision strangling the poor dog into doggy heaven in a near daily basis, but that's not for the po-po to handle.

    Mind you, in my situation it'd be the best, her owner is never home.

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  40. Oh what the fuck! That is so bloody ridiculous. They get paid to ticket puppies?

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  41. Bad grammar and talking like Snoop Dogg is always at the root of every mugging. My psychotic neighbour once put a not under my door saying "shut your dog up or I'll call the police" - when the police didn't do anything she put another note under saying "shut your dog up or I'll kill it"... xx

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  42. Sad state of affairs, but it has always been that way. People have to rely on others to do their dirty work instead of dicuss it.

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  43. I have no respect for the policeforce where I live. Your illustrations tell it rather well, it's pretty much the same over here too. Ugh. People.

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  44. I love getting gold stars at work. Are the police gold stars better?

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  45. I once had a dog that was the offender. I worked part-time and let her stay outside when it was nice out. Apparently she barked because, oh I don't know, that's what dogs do, and my neighbor didn't like it. Instead of talking to me, she called the police. Way to neighborly.

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  46. Oh, yeah. We have two dogs. Two LOUD dogs. Knock wood, we're surrounded by eight other dogs. So far no one's ratting anyone out. I think we all hold our breaths.

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  47. So sorry...I think your neighbor needs a dog. :) Or a job...

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  48. Are the dogs, yippee dogs? Cause those are just annoying.

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  49. There used to be this little poodle that lived in the house behind mine. Occasionally at night it would be outside barking and barking to be let in, and this could go on for hours. It irriated me, but honestly? I mostly felt bad for the dog. It actually never occurred to me to call the city about it. My cousin and I just went over during the day and said that their dog was keeping us up at night, and also gently suggested that a little dog like a poodle would probably prefer to be in the house at night. If I was going to call anyone about it, it would have been Anti-Cruelty to report them.

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  50. I am very enjoyed for this blog. It help me very much to solve some problems. Thanks a lot for sharing this with all of us. I appreciate it very much! Looking forward to another great blog!


    Kind Regards,

    Elayne Taylor
    How to Train Your Dog

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