Today we're going to learn how to be whiskey snobs, because we all know that drinking whiskey isn't as simple as pouring a glass and drinking it. Being a whiskey snob is a fine art.
First, you have to be dressed appropriately.
Nothing... if you want to look like a homeless wino. A true whiskey snob needs to look intelligent. Distinguished. This is fine aged whiskey you're drinking, not a jug of toilet wine.
That's more like it, White Cosby and Professor Neckbeard. Now you need to settle on a good whiskey. A really good whiskey. None of this $15 Jack Daniels swill that was brewed in some inbred alcoholic's backwoods rape dungeon.
Jesus, what are you, 22 year old girls on their first spring break? No, do NOT do that. Ever. You don't want to taint the taste of the whiskey in the slightest. You want to taste every bit of that smoky gasoline as it rapes its way down your throat like flavored bleach. No Coke. No lemon. Not even ice.
Simple. You need these cooling stones, which use their natural rock chilling power to lower the temperature of your whiskey up to one and a half degrees!
|Rocks: not just for throwing at windows or putting googly eyes on.|
Very good! You two are on the right path to become connoisseurs, because a true whiskey snob has a palate that can tell the difference between whiskey that's been chilled by one degree and one that's room temperature.
Speaking of palate, now you need to learn what you're tasting and how to accurately describe it. 'Good' and 'bad' is for uneducated amateurs. You need to learn pretentious terms like 'notes of rich mahogany' and 'hints of fine leather' and 'subtle earth tones.'
Congratulations, you're a whiskey snob! Now grab the most expensive whiskey you can find, swirl it in your glass like you own the place, and thumb your nose at those who just don't understand your complex palate!
Okay, so really now... we both like a bit of whiskey here and there (with a mixer), but truly, do people enjoy whiskey straight up or is it all just something we're told we're supposed to enjoy so we all just pretend it tastes wonderful? Because without ice or water or cola, it doesn't matter whether I drink Jack Daniels or Johnnie Walker Gold, it all tastes like gasoline to me.
Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Brandon and Bryan
Music: City and Colour
*Does not in fact taste like gold.