Sunday, June 16, 2013

How to be a Whiskey Snob

After our last post about the Church of Beerintology (which is totally still recruiting) we realized that we talk mostly about beer around here, so in coming weeks we're going to branch out and try some different liquors.

Today we're going to learn how to be whiskey snobs, because we all know that drinking whiskey isn't as simple as pouring a glass and drinking it. Being a whiskey snob is a fine art.

First, you have to be dressed appropriately.


Nothing... if you want to look like a homeless wino. A true whiskey snob needs to look intelligent. Distinguished. This is fine aged whiskey you're drinking, not a jug of toilet wine.


That's more like it, White Cosby and Professor Neckbeard. Now you need to settle on a good whiskey. A really good whiskey. None of this $15 Jack Daniels swill that was brewed in some inbred alcoholic's backwoods rape dungeon.


That means you've found the right whiskey! See, all whiskey tastes like paint thinner, but the most expensive and therefore best tasting ones taste LESS of paint thinner. Now you're thinking with your wallet, guys!


Jesus, what are you, 22 year old girls on their first spring break? No, do NOT do that. Ever. You don't want to taint the taste of the whiskey in the slightest. You want to taste every bit of that smoky gasoline as it rapes its way down your throat like flavored bleach. No Coke. No lemon. Not even ice.


Simple. You need these cooling stones, which use their natural rock chilling power to lower the temperature of your whiskey up to one and a half degrees!

Rocks: not just for throwing at windows or putting googly eyes on.


Very good! You two are on the right path to become connoisseurs, because a true whiskey snob has a palate that can tell the difference between whiskey that's been chilled by one degree and one that's room temperature.

Speaking of palate, now you need to learn what you're tasting and how to accurately describe it. 'Good' and 'bad' is for uneducated amateurs. You need to learn pretentious terms like 'notes of rich mahogany' and 'hints of fine leather' and 'subtle earth tones.'



Congratulations, you're a whiskey snob! Now grab the most expensive whiskey you can find, swirl it in your glass like you own the place, and thumb your nose at those who just don't understand your complex palate!

Okay, so really now... we both like a bit of whiskey here and there (with a mixer), but truly, do people enjoy whiskey straight up or is it all just something we're told we're supposed to enjoy so we all just pretend it tastes wonderful? Because without ice or water or cola, it doesn't matter whether I drink Jack Daniels or Johnnie Walker Gold, it all tastes like gasoline to me.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: City and Colour
Beer Whiskey: Johnnie Walker Gold*

*Does not in fact taste like gold.


95 comments:

  1. This is hilarious, especially since my redneck husband is a Gentleman Jack drinker. He started with black label Jack but now progressed to the fancy Gentleman label. Oh, and at first he mixed it with 7Up, then just water, now it's on ice. I think instead of a whisky snob that's called an alcoholic.

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    1. Jack is a lot of things, but one thing he is certainly not is a gentleman.

      Delete
  2. Is being a whiskey snob similar to being a wine connoisseur? Do you think whiskey snobs and wine connoisseurs are natural enemies? Perhaps there is an age old war between these societies, a back-and-forth power struggle for control over the liquor sector, like the Illuminati vs the Stonemasons.

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    1. Throw in some Russian Vodka purists, and you have a global brawl in the making.

      Delete
  3. Hahahaha! Snob is right! There is NO way anyone could like the taste of whiskey, especially scotch...with milk? Eh! Thanks for my LMAO moment this morning.

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  4. I'd make a lousy snob then as no way I could drink it even mixed.

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  5. When I was on holiday last year I drink whiskey straight but I could only do it in shots. The taste isn't too bad but the burning it leaves in your throat is. Ice and coke don't make much of a difference to me either, so either way it all tastes the same. Like a deep burning in my throat.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. You are not used to strong alcohol, it's because you drunk it in a shots which is quite large amount one time and fast... this leaves unpleasant burning sensation every time. Chugging it in is no way to truly enjoy anything.

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  6. I'm hoping you'll get to wine snobbery, I encountered tons of that when husband and I had a vineyard and it can be pretty funny.
    Oh, and whiskey with no coke? No way!

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  7. I drink whiskey with ice. I like it so cold that it numbs my tongue before the taste can register.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. they way people who hate taste of whisky drink whisky. I ask why do it at all ?

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  8. I'd snub the snob with my little rhyming bum. Then I'd suck back the rum.

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  9. Classy observation, Brandon "Bear Grylls" Meyers.

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  10. I'll just stick to the beer. That whiskey makes me puke!

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    1. I've seen the things you drink. If whiskey is too disgusting for you, then that's really saying something.

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  11. Lesbian Grandpa... Can I get that T Shirt... and no whiskey for me

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  12. Reminds me of wine snobbery! Ah well, there are snobs every where. Just enjoy what you want, and if someone acts like a snob about it, a simple "fuck off" will suffice.

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  13. hahaha too true! Whiskey is for cowboys, who loved the straight-up poisoney taste of whiskey. It reminded them that the MORE whiskey they drank, the closer they were to the sweet, blessed release of the grave, and finally escaping the sad life of a cowboy.
    If you ever hit rock bottom in life, that is the taste you want in your mouth: POISON. You don't flower it up, you savor it and wait for death.

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  14. This one hits close to home folks. I drink whiskey regularly, and I'm mildly offended. (But not really.)

    Yes, we do enjoy it straight up. You either like it or you don't, I guess. And there's nothing wrong with mixing it with some coke if you want. Unless it's expensive whiskey, then you're essentially wasting your money.

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  15. This is going to sound like ass licking guys but I swear your posts have got even funnier recently this is incredible! It's so true as well, whiskey essentially is just this dirty poison but real men I guess are the people who wise up and just drink it straight because like you say all whiskey tastes like paint thinner! I have never ever heard of these cooling rocks in my life before, aren't you spoiling the flavour of whiskey with the flavour of ROCK instead of giving it a watery complexion with ice haha? Hilarious stuff guys, whiskey without dressing the part just isn't whiskey.

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    1. We appreciate the compliments good sir, and do not imply that any analingus has thusly taken place.

      (That was the classy way of responding, in case you were wondering)

      Delete
  16. Boyfriend likes Paddys whiskey (cheap and delicious, according to him). He considered getting those stone ice things, but then envisioned them slamming him in the teeth as he tilted his glass back to drink. He's sticking with ice cubes.

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  17. HA! You Beer Boys done outed it.

    I can't wait for the Tequila installment, because that one really blows my mind. I've noticed over the last few years that someone somewhere (Mexicans in Mexico?) has attempted to recreate the Craft Beer explosion and interest in the realm of Tequila. You can find drinking establishments boasting that they carry over 100 different fine Tequilas!

    Whiskey is really pushing it, but I can actually excuse it to some degree, since there ARE several different types of whiskeys that vary in taste: Not all whiskey is bourbon, and there is a difference between a straight whiskey and a blended whiskey. And then you have your Canadian whiskey, Irish whiskey, Scotch Whiskey, and Fireball (a cinnamon flavored Canadian whiskey).

    But when it comes to Tequila, all you have is... liquid shit.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. They have a bar/restaurant here that the two of us like to go to. Good food. But it's also one of those tequila bars, with over 100 different types of tequilas, and it doesn't matter whether it's the $5 tequila or the $50 tequila, every single one of them tastes like mud to me...

      Tequila is probably the only liquor that I can't drink without making that awful "who farted?" face.

      Delete
  18. Ironically, I went to an Irish Pub on the weekend - this pub is known for their whiskey bar. They have literally hundreds to choose from. Some of which are $18 (or more) for a single!

    My three friends had about 7 different kinds throughout our visit - I tried every single one. Every single one tasted awful. And one of the people was definitely a whiskey snob - he doesn't like the rocks because, to him, whiskey is an aromatic and chilling it at all takes away from that.

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  19. I once tried a super fancy European whiskey, it had been aged 40 years and it was presented to me as nectar of the gods. It was good, I'll admit, but only after diluting a few cubes of ice in it for 5 minutes.

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    1. I once offended by brother-in-law because I tried a very old $300 whiskey and told him I could not honestly tell the difference between that and something like Jack Daniels...

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    2. few cubes of ice in 40 yo... well expensive way to flavour icy water. None the less funny.

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    3. My wife sometimes puts ice cubes in wine. You should see the looks she gets. It's worth the price of admission all in itself.

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    4. how much ice cubes? wine snobs must be feinting ;-). I can think of wines that wouldn't care about that... like popular Chardonnays In reality wine is a lot less susceptible to watering down... thinking about it throu ages wine had always water added before serving, it's only recent that we drink 100% wine.

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  20. I sincerely hope that in my lifetime that liver transplants become elective surgery so I can try some of your drinking advice. In the meantime I am a connoisseur of fine teas.. Sadly no tea Tate's like gasoline or bleach.. If it counts the tea at Burger King Tate's like sh**.

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    Replies
    1. How about Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea? I'm pretty sure that's just 2 gallons of pink sugar dumped into half a cup of liquid.

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  21. I began laughing at the lesbian grandpa and didn't stop all the way to the clorox. I'll drink it straight from the bottle with a water chaser and sometimes in a glass mixed with water. It tastes better than rubbing alcohol.

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  22. All of this makes me glad I quit drinking before I was old enough to become an idiot about it...

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    1. I'm not sure what that says about us, then. Better take another drink just to make sure...

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  23. This just proves that anyone can find a way to be a snob about anything. Take me, for instance. I am a complete brownie snob. It has to meet very specific qualifications, or you're just eating chocolate flavored crap.

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    Replies
    1. Then I am not ashamed to admit that I enjoy eating chocolate flavored crap.

      Delete
  24. My wife works in the wine industry, so I have to deal with this same kind of stuff. A lot. Except wine tastes better.

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    1. Also, putting ice cubes in wine is a BIT more a sin than it is for whiskey...

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  25. White Cosby and Professor Neckbeard was my favorite British detective show.At what point does being a snob cross over into danger of liver poisoning?

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    1. I'm not 100% sure, but this sounds like a case for White Cosby and Professor Neckbeard!

      (excerpt from season 10, episode 14. At that point in the show, the story was pretty stale and the writers were just grasping at straws)

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  26. >>it all tastes like gasoline to me.<<

    Whew! I thought it was just me.

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  27. My hubby's a Crown Black drinker, ugh! However, if you're interested in trying different stuff, try SpiritHound on Hwy 6 on the way to Estes Park. They've got several types of liquor that they make. It's a pretty neat place. (No, I'm not associated with them at all!)

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  28. Would have preferred "Whiskey in the Jar" as musical choice instead, but that's just me.. I've never grown a taste for whiskey or any other stronger alcohol beverages, I'm no drinker at all - but I do have friends that are whiskey and wine snobs. So this was quite a fun post to read :) - it's all so recognizeable.

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  29. I wish I knew what alcohol tasted like.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Swallow some gasoline, wash that down with a cup of turpentine, then light a match and drop that down your throat. That's what alcohol tastes like... when it's bad, anyway.

      Delete
  30. Occasionally, I enjoy a nice shot of bourbon, albiet over ice. More often than not I will mix it.

    And I love Fireball (cinnamon flavored bourbon)-both mixed with Diet Coke and as a very cold shot.

    I swear by bourbon as a cure for common household maladies (headaches, toothaches, ect)....either it gets cured or I stop caring.

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    1. Fireball and Diet Coke is one of my favorite alcoholic drinks, which I know makes me a swine, since I'm basically just drinking cinnamon sugar flavored candy.

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    2. makes you swine with diabeetus

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    3. You should see how much sugar I put in my coffee!

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  31. Okay dudes, I'm calling bogus. I'm just getting my still put together, and when I get that stuff dialed in ABFTS boys are gonna come sample what just the hearts can taste like.

    I'm so disappointed with you two.

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    1. Be disappointed not with me, but with my swine palate. Also, I have no doubt that what you're crafting tastes better than the swill we drink. Better make sure and send us a full barrel of what you craft, for, uh, proper testing purposes.

      Delete
  32. I actually really enjoy whiskey and it's more high class cousin scotch. I prefer it on the rocks and have recently learned to my horror that I actually prefer just 2 ice cubes. I am currently seeking snob counseling.

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    1. After those two ice cubes melt, I hope you enjoy your whiskey flavored water, you amateur.

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  33. I thought whiskey was for the Rednecks who spent their days and nights at the saloon, while their horses got re-hooved and after getting dumped by Bessie-Sue (the same Bessie-Sue. She got around). No?

    Another great post, guys. You can make anything amusing. I love the "lesbian grandpa" t-shirt. I also have no shame about eating chocolate flavored crap.

    xoRobyn

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    1. You bring up a valid point. I would really like to know how whiskey transitioned from being a drink for cowpokes to being a drink for upscale old men in smoking jackets.

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    2. Me too. It's shelf life is decades longer than it deserves.

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    3. Because it's one of the most complex tasting things in the world. If you enjoy tasting stuff you will enjoy whisky, hard/blue cheese, air dried meats. It all goes hand in hand with intensity and complexity of taste.

      Some people don't know when musician play out of tune, others can't find difference in taste or just eat more intensive stuff and enjoy it. It's just about having one of your senses undeveloped or crippled.

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    4. If it's all about senses, then mine aren't just crippled, they're Stephen Hawking. My palate is definitely not refined enough for the likes of whiskey. Beer, though, I can tell you everything about that. Different strokes for different folks, eh?

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    5. Beer is indeed much more gentle in delivery of flavour. I love beer too, I'm personally fan of vintage ale (can't live without this woody notes), strong ale, Trappist quadruples, and when I have a mood for it IPA ;-)

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  34. I happen to love whiskey and it's typically all I drink. I love it with ginger ale though. I can do it straight but even though I love it, it still burns like fuck. That never stops being true.

    NOW...what the fuck are those rocks and how "classy" are you going to look when one leaves the bottom of the glass and shatters your front teeth? Not very is my assumption.

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    1. one would assume that you can use glass skilfully enough so the stuff inside don't splash on your face or break your teeth, or is that too much?

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    2. When I go out drinking I always bring my drinking helmet. Isn't that the norm? Safety first.

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  35. Whiskey stinks. That is all I know. I'm assuming it tastes even worse than it smells but I'd rather not find out.

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  36. Whiskey is so nasty. My dad gave it to me when I had a toothache because it was so nasty it made me forget about the toothache..Hey, I want those cool rocks, so I can throw them at the snob whiskey old goats...

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  37. This post is insulting, but I understand it. Firstly, good whiskey -starts- at around $100 to $150 per bottle. I'd recommend Macallan 18 or 30 year old. Good whiskey should be "licked off the lips" to appreciate the caramel, chocolate, or vanilla which, if sipped correctly, will be outstanding (as outlined above).

    Since it's "scary" to buy good scotch whiskey, you can try it (overpriced) at places in Denver such as "Pints" which has over 600 types. NEVER BUY WHISKEY AGED YOUNGER THAN 18 YEARS.

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    1. I hear in the state of Colorado drinking a whiskey under 18 years of age counts as statutory rape, even if you're in love. That's bullshit.

      Hmmm, $100-150. I don't know about that. That $4 "Jem Beem" knockoff "beurban" I had was pretty tasty...

      Delete
    2. that's your point of view.... whisky don't have to be this expensive.
      Expensive whisky can also be bad. Funny enough praised by you Mcallan is deemed as one of the brands that are inconsistent in quality.

      btw. 18 yo is just the time whisky spent in the barrel, and how much of that cask influenced whisky over that time is a separate story all together.

      Take Dalwhinnie as example to that... (imho amazing light whisky) youngest expression is 15 years old ? Why is that when for example laphroiag is bottling 6-7yo which is highly praised same Octomore. This is because Dalwhinnie is not ready any younger... 15 yo has flavour profile more of a 12 or 10 yo.

      It's the quality end complexity not only age. Basing solely on age statements is good for blends. Most blended scotches below 12 yo will be mixers, not very interesting or pleasant straight.

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    3. What about a whiskey that was aged 1 month, in my neighbor's bathtub?

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    4. well that wouldn't be ageing but heavy oxidization, you'd most likely loose all of it due to possible leaking and evaporation ;-)

      Delete
  38. I would love to be a Whiskey snob, so thanks for the tips! MY boyfriend went out with my Dad and grandad a month or so back and felt the peer pressure to join Whiskey club - he was sick and shaky for two days xx

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  39. I like whiskey, no ice nothing - straight up!I don't need any distractions when I am on my road to drunkness!

    Actually, in the village next to us in Germany, a woman opened a whiskey distillery ...soon you can have Prussian whiskey, which probably tastes like Bismarck's butt

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  40. I drink my whiskey straight up because that's how I'm told it's supposed to be drunk. And yes, I'm getting scotch rocks in the future but no, I haven't had the peaty/soot tasting ones you described above.

    And based on what I've heard, I'd rather not.

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    1. You will not know if you will not have few drams yourself.

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  41. My snob days have long passed concerning any type of alcohol

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  42. Whiskey has to be the worst one going, rather drink gasoline

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  43. SO: Why was a label on this one "lesbian grampa?"

    Awesome and hilarious. I've always felt like men get robbed in the drinking department. I had a rather serious girlfriend in college and we would go out with friends and she would get things like "Ice Cream Drinks" and "Pina Coladas" and the like, and I would get a beer or tequila or something disgusting, and I complained one time that men should get to drink ice cream drinks, too, because they taste good.

    ...

    Anyway, years later when I had ANOTHER girlfriend I learned to keep my mouth shut about what men should get to drink, and I drank beer and shots and stuff, and I am now happily married. Lesson learned.

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  44. Never mind. I saw the shirt now on the first drawing. It's that attention to detail that makes me so successful in my life. *HEY HEY YOU THAT'S MY LEFTOVER PIZZA BOX GO FIND YOUR OWN THING TO SCRAPE CHEESE RINDS OUT OF.*

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  45. I'm honestly a fan of whiskey. Been to several distilleries, and know the differences between American Whiskey (single-distilled and harsh), Irish Whiskey (triple-distilled and very smooth), Scotch (Whiskey where the grains are roasted over peat), and bourbon (essentially whiskey without the coal-filtering portion that originates from Kentucky).

    Everyone likes to tell you how to enjoy something, but ultimately that's just how *they* enjoy it. I like my bourbon (Woodford Reserve ftw) with ice, and occasionally mixed with ginger ale (something it seems whiskey was invented for).

    So yeah - I like me some straight whiskey :)

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  46. I thought you guys posted on Tuesday...I guess I missed that memo. My dashboard is a mess and blogger continues to hate me so...Anyway, 'Whiskey Snob', wth! It even smells bad. Now take something like Gin with it's all jumpiery and outdoorsey smell and taste. Yeah, Gin, that's something to be a snob about and it will rid you of those pesky brain cells all the quicker.

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  47. Lesbian Grandpa! Ha.

    I'm not much of a drinker, (surprised?) Most people are, but the fact is if I'm this crazy without it, you can only imagine me drunk. Whiskey is something I try to avoid at all costs. No good comes from me drinking it. No good.

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  48. My husband is one o them there whiskee snobs. It all sturted when we lived in Kentucky & he attended UK. No "Whiskey Trail" back then. Just free tours of Heaven Hill & Makers Mark. He's bin drinkin it ever since.

    As fer me, I like boilermakers so I'm kinda whatchucall a "switch hitter".

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  49. Is it wrong that I laughed at "rape dungeon"? Well, I did.

    Whiskey is disgusting. I think most hard liquor is gross unless mixed with something to disguise the taste.

    Is Hot Damn hard liquor? That stuff is pretty tasty...

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  50. I don't like whiskey much, but I'm trying to make my voice sound like Tom Waits and I don't want to swallow razor blades.

    This blog post was helpful. Or, in the words of the spammers: "Thank you, as I have been looking for this sort of information for a long time. I think your layout and subject matter is the same as mine. Come look: www.DonkeyPenisWallpaper.com."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Readers - warning! Don't go to that webpage! There's not a single donkey penis to be found there. False advertising. :(

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  51. I like Glenmorange... I think that's how you spell it. And Guinness, and cider. Coincidentally I'm going to the pub later for karaoke night.

    Never mix vodka and whiskey though. It is the worst combination drinking I have ever experienced.

    Bleh.

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  52. Whisky lover here... I've had a days worth of laugh,
    now I'm preparing guillotine for you guys. ;--)

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    1. Ha, thanks for all the comments! Err, I mean dropping the guillotine!

      You know, we wrote this post one year ago and a lot has changed since then. Unfortunately not our palates. I enjoyed your comments, and it does sound like you really know your stuff. More so than some of our more, uh, pretentious readers who think you need to throw hundred dollar bills at a whiskey that's been aging for 20 years to get a good one. :)

      So let's get serious for a moment. All palates are different, and some things take tuning. I didn't like beer when I first tried it. I had to drink what I call "beer training wheels" before I got my palate accustomed to beer, and from there my tastes developed and I started liking more beers. I eventually branched out, and now I drink not just anything, but even the strong beers like IPAs, beers that a lot of people think taste like gasoline because their palates just don't quite 'understand' what they're tasting. And yet 10 years ago I'd barely even touch a Corona. I've come a long way in developing my palate, but I needed my "training wheels" to get me there.

      So, as a whiskey connoisseur, what would you recommend for whiskey training wheels for someone looking to start developing their palate? Or is there even such a thing?

      Delete
    2. Yes indeed there are whiskies better suited for beginners.

      So yes there are great introductory whiskies and they don't have to be expensive, and what is expensive for someone is always just a matter of opinion. I'm not even going to recommend here stuff that's close to 100$.

      First of all blends there are good ones and bad ones... and first of all they are cheep.
      Great start would be Ballantines 12 yo. or Chivas Regal 12 yo. They are light in character, smooth share fruity sweetness.
      Someone that already suspects he may like heavier body slightly peaty whisky there is good old Johnny Walker Black Label 12 yo.
      Mentioning quality blends I cannot skip over Irish Bushmills Black Bush, it's younger then aforementioned blends but Irish whisky is renowned for smoothness and black bush for it's sherry character.

      With the whisky we would have several main flavour characteristics, that would be light notes, floral and/or fruity, and heavier notes sherry, spices, dark fruits. Additionally there is both hated and loved Peat and wood influence result of ageing.

      There is really great single malt surprisingly expressing all of that Highland Park 12 yo, it can be a benchmark for finding what you like in whisky. Yet there is whole bunch good introductory malts in sweet and fruity region This would be for example Craggenmore 12, Glenfarclass 12, and of course very popular Glenlivet 12. From more sherried dark fruid region there is Jura 12 and Bushmills 16.

      Well as you see there is plenty to recommend for beginner any of this whiskies can be a good introduction. Good luck with finding what you like. Also give whisky a time it changes in glass, adding few drops of water will help it open up but as it does it will change a bit sometimes a bit more than you expect.

      Whisky world is as rich as beer one even though most of the good craft whisky is made predominantly in Scotland.
      Starting off with whisky it's unfortunately very easy to get into wrong impression, either by trying neat something that's intended as mixer e.g. JW Red, Jim Beam or something maybe expensive, good in it's own way but requiring experienced palette.

      P.S. So we went through similar path looking back 10 years ago I didn't like alcohol... beer awful, vodka i'm gonna passout just from smell, whisky like hairspray in eyes, only some wines were acceptable. Oh how things have changed. First whisky I liked was Ballantines 12, and first beer was German Hefeweissen, I was astonished... so beer can taste of banana, lemon peel? and it's all natural not flavouring? Little to say I was shocked surrounded all life by cheep lagers that poorly imitate Pilsners.
      I still hate vodka with passion, can find it at most not terrible. It's just uninspired spirit in my opinion.

      But alcohol is not my passion here the flavour is... spirit is just a vessel.

      Delete
    3. I've not tried a single one of your recommendations in the past so I'll be sure and seek those out next time I get a chance. I know a lot of people just say that kind of thing, but I do mean it. I drink when I write, so it'd be nice to try something different (I'm sure that sounds like alcoholism, but any writer who says otherwise is just kidding themselves).

      Great info, and great string of comments. You know, a lot of times people come comment on old posts like this where we make fun of something, they get their panties in a twist, and start unleashing a bunch of angry comments without realizing that we're just joking. It's a comedy site, after all. So we appreciate when someone can enlighten us on something we know nothing about (and that we're clearly just joking about) without being a douchecanoe about it.

      So cheers to not being a douchecanoe, and thanks again for the killer advice. Goodbye Fireball and enough Coke to drown a toddler, hello flavor notes!

      Delete
  53. The guy licking the chair to learn more about leather notes is hilarious!!!!

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  54. Initiate your underdeveloped palates before commenting, you fools!

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    1. Prepare thy rectum for butt-secks, bush league charlatan!

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