Thursday, June 20, 2013

An Open Letter to Screaming Children

Welcome, one and all, to our Thursday post. It's a lot like our Monday post, but on Thursday. Today, in belated homage to Father's Day, we're talking about screaming children. Specifically, we'd like to thank the parents who don't let their children's rampant howling and hollering stop them from visiting quiet public locations. Cheers to you folks and your stellar parenting! You know, the parents that do this...


Or this...


So, where are we happiest to see your child's frequent, unchecked meltdowns? Here are a few of our favorites...

A fancy restaurant - because nothing pairs a delectable Ribeye steak like the piercing shriek of a toddler who has just shat his pants at the table behind you. Certainly, we adults understand your excitement, child. We love the potatoes au gratin here so much that we too would like to jump up and down in our booths, throw bread rolls and silverware, and yell at the top of our lungs in celebration. That, however, is frowned upon. Also, kudos for taking your child and expanding his palate at the expense of everyone else in the building, because a child that's perfectly happy eating boxed mac and cheese, or boogers, or that weird brown stain he found on the carpet definitely wants to have roasted lamb with balsamic reduction.




A movie theater - Just ask any moviegoer and they'll tell you how much they appreciate having a fussy kid sitting behind them. Those seizure-like kicking fits on your seat back are so very relaxing, like having your own personal massage chair in public. And the incessant chattering throughout the film is helpful too, because really, who doesn't want to hear a child's perspective on the highly complex and confusing plot of the new Superman: Man of Steel movie.




An airplane...


A court room...


...Or a church or a library or Wimbledon or a mute orgy, or anywhere else where people usually remain fairly quiet. The list goes on and on.

So, in conclusion, thank you. Thank you, dear parents, for your deserved disregard for civil tranquility and the mental sanity of others. Because really, why should your life be the only one that your wily, screaming hellspawn gets to ruin?

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: The Reverend
Music: Nick Cave

79 comments:

  1. A mute orgy? Did you hit that button on the remote accidentally? And agreed, especially at the movies.

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  2. I have to agree with this guys, there's nothing more annoying than screaming children, especially when it comes to being in the cinema, I can't stand the plot being spoiled. It's selfish of parents like you say too, genuinely it's like because they have to suffer everybody else should as well. Special reference goes to the "Worlds Most Okayest," husband shirt that you're wearing in the restaurant haha, it probably made me laugh way much more than it should have.

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  3. You guys SO nailed this one!!! Being trapped on an airplane with a screaming kid is torture. Just shoot me now.
    Those other places, it's the parents' choice. And often a really bad choice. If we weren't in church at the time, I think my wife would crawl over the pew and strangle the screaming kid. After strangling the parent first.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear God's actually okay with that, so your wife should probably go through with it next time.

      Delete
  4. Agreed, stuck with a screaming kid anywhere is no fun.

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  5. I couldn't agree more and I HAVE children. Sometimes you HAVE to fly to a funeral, but WHY does anyone bring a baby or a toddler to a movie? Is beyond me, and in a 'Murica that outlaws giant beverages (NY) why is this still LEGAL?? Guess what parents? SMALL KIDS HATE MOVIE THEATERS, STOP BRINGING THEM. It's mean TO THE KID AND EVERYONE ELSE in the building. Sorry, not shouting at you, parents of small children are used to YELLING.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

      I'M NOT YELLING EITHER I JUST LIKE CAPS LOCK A LOT.

      Delete
  6. True words as always. Kids are fucking annoying normally, let alone when they're screaming and kicking in a quiet public area. Go annoy the inside of your coffin, kid.

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  7. My sisters kids are pretty loud and cry a lot, even at her own home. The thing is she shouts at them louder than they cry or she just leaves them alone. I've genuinely wondered how long it takes a child to realise no one is coming and stop crying.

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  8. "World's Okayest Husband" - there should be a real shirt like that.

    I have been on a very long plane journey (8+ hours) with a screaming child. I wanted to gouge out my ears and stuff them in pillows.

    To be fair, I feel a bit sorry for the parents. Sometimes it looks like they genuinely want to shut their kid up, but are at a loss as to what to do. So they just look around embarrassed at all the people giving them dagger eyes.

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    1. When a baby's crying and you just can't shut it up, I understand, because you can't really communicate with them. But when an older child won't stop screaming and the parents just act like they have no idea what to do, that screams bad parenting. It shouldn't be THAT hard to keep your kid contained in a public setting.

      Delete
  9. Oh man, movie theaters are inexcusable to me. Especially with everyone on dvd/on demand so quickly. BUT i cut a lot of slack for airplanes - I mean what do you do if your kid is an asshole and you have to go somewhere??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The airplane one was more of an honorable mention, but it's still annoying when the kid is screaming and the parents do absolutely nothing about it, just look around at everyone like, "Kids, huh? What can you do?"

      I'll tell you what you can do. Discipline them and at least TRY to get them to stop.

      Delete
    2. I'll give you something to cry about! Mum always scared the shite out of us with that one.

      Delete
  10. I agree with Flippy Doodle, that should be a shirt.
    This is why I want to take those white noise machines they have in psychiatrist's office (of course I've been to one of those, I'm borderline insane, I have an anthropomorphic pickle with antlers as my mascot) and fashion a baby muzzle out of it. Sure, it sounds cruel, but we get it, baby, you're fussy, it's not like the wailing is communicating anything pertinent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would buy twenty of those and hand those out to parents like they hand out condoms at an inner city high school.

      Delete
  11. One of my favorite blogs is The Bitchy Waiter. He often riffs on children in his restaurant and he is merciless and a scream. You will appreciate his anecdotes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, we're both familiar with The Bitchy Waiter. I can only imagine how annoying it is for a server, much less a patron. I just have to listen to it. He has to actually interact with it. *shudder*

      Delete
    2. Okay then. Have I told you how much I hate children? Especially other people's.

      Delete
  12. Totally agree with the screaming kid thing, I mean, that's what McDonald's is for, & playgrounds. One time my kid started screaming in the grocery store because I wouldn't buy her some candy or something & I stopped the cart in the middle of an aisle pulled her out & left. She shut up pretty fast after that! And I don't know what's worse- kids talking during movies, or grown-ups fake whispering to each other during movies while their phones ring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't forget the teens that use their cellphones all during the movie, not taking into consideration the fact that their screen is a blinding white beacon for 2 hours. It's not just noise pollution - you can really get all 5 senses assaulted just at one movie!

      Delete
  13. Funny that you post this today. Just this morning at the train station, a child was screaming and crying so violently that one of the conductors got off the train and asked the parents if it was their child or a kidnapping in process.

    But you should start a line of clothing using various "World's Okayest" lines. I really want that shirt, but I'm not a husband.

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  14. Oh I fucking LOVE when people bring their spawn to the movie theater PARTICULARLY when they bring them to a horror movie. I've seriously been to a horror movie several times and there's been a woman with a fucking baby carriage in the aisle banking on the little darling sleeping while Jason axes people in the face. This of course never works and by the end of the movie I'm ready to take an axe to the so-called parent who refuses to leave.

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    Replies
    1. Also lovely that this is the exact same kind of person who gets insulted if you kindly suggest that they just hire a babysitter for a few hours.

      Delete
  15. Airplanes you have to deal with as you have to go places and have the little poo machine with you. But movies, hell no. Keep the crying babies the hell out. And yeah it is no wonder, after all why would some whose hearing is so new want to listen to explosions and sounds louder than they should be. Some parents need to wise the hell up.

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  16. I am with you on that!! I fly a lot and most of the time there are at least 3 crying babies....I thought of just trying to flush them down in the toilet...

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    Replies
    1. Would it be proper to ask the parents if you can take the child into the loo to see the pretty blue water? lol

      Delete
  17. I so agree with your restaurant complaint. If there were any justice in this world, it would be legal to convert those screaming brats into lovely veal entrees. No one would object and calves would be saved. Speaking of justice, nice to see you boys in suits for a change.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to our legal counsel (that being me) suits make us look 110% more "not guilty."

      I've eaten boar, and ostrich, and kangaroo, but never screaming baby. I feel kinda robbed.

      Delete
  18. Totally fecking agree, not enough discipline or good parenting out there any more, well not much anyway!

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  19. My girls (are not perfect) but were NEVER allowed to behave that way. Ever. Not in fancy restaurants, not in church or even in stinking Walmart. They are older now and when they see little kids acting out and screaming like lunatics, they look at them like "What the H?"

    My nephew is one of the worst offenders. You could have written this post entirely about him. His parents "Don't want to break his spirit" so they don't believe in discipline. As The Husband and I both said, "Good luck with that!" The Husband even took it as far as saying to his sister, "It's going to really suck when I wind up having to arrest my own nephew in a couple of years."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always love the parents that don't believe in discipline. "My child should never experience any form of negativity, even if it means that everyone within a 50 foot radius of my child will experience nothing BUT negativity, care of his relentless screaming and pouting."

      Delete
  20. Mmmmmm Bacon covered bacon. I hate screaming kids. Which is hilarious because my degree is in early childhood development and I mentor child care providers. Guess that makes me perfect and able to dispense advice...right? I have been known to give parenting advice....and my business card to the parents of screamers.

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  21. I can stand most place, but the movies is a no-no. Especially if it's R-rated. Was bringing your 3 year old the best idea?

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  22. I have 2 kids so I feel like I can say this without getting bitch slapped. If you can afford a fancy schmancy restaurant, then you can also afford a babysitter. Nuf said!!!

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  23. I would wager that a screaming child at any kind of orgy would spoil the experience, let alone a mute orgy.

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  24. >>... A fancy restaurant - because nothing pairs a delectable Ribeye steak like the piercing shriek of a toddler...

    Finding the silver lining here... sometimes the shrieking will actually cut your steak for you though.

    "WORLD'S OKAYEST HUSBAND" - Ha!-Ha! Let's hear it for those who are not blinded by too much ambition.

    On the frustrating side, however...

    Thanks to that crying brat, now I will never know Superman's real identity either! That's Supershitty!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  25. There are places you probably should think twice before bringing your toddler. I concur with all of the stated situations in this post. Well said. And no, I don't hate kids - I just don't have any of my own nor do I ever intend to have any either.

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  26. Adults on the phone can be just as bad as babies - and generally in the same places you listed.

    This is why I don't go anywhere.

    I have more control on who is around me this way.

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  27. When that stuff happens it makes me question my desire for children.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hahaha,I should be surprised?!?! For a guy who is even tolerant of a sex offender blocks away, Screaming babies trouble much?

    ( I agree with all you said, one time we had company party in hilton and guess what some of our colleagues decided to bring to the party? There screaming kids and voila, more drinks and condom sales increased)

    I remember your comment in my blog, (shameless plug?!?!)
    Http://meandmythinkingcap.blogspot.com/2012/03/sent-in-Wooden-chest-on-waters-son.html


    I blame Meli though, see a guy with no galfriend getting bad with babies is fine, but if a married man complains, his wife isn't nagging one, nagging wife make men adapt to these ...

    BTb, folks who give us parents the looks? What makes you think that if puke on designer gown doesn't make us discipline our kids, how could your looks.

    As long as you don't loose it and hit the kid yourself, your anger rage hatred everything is justified. I don't know I agree with not taking kids to fancy restaurant but I see lot of folks loosing it when a kid has a meltdown near the counter. Not the babies that need to stay at home but these guys , atleast that is how I feel.

    Not sure in how many shades people come, but kids come in all shades and all colors. I have twin sons and one is exact opposite of other, one of them has mild OCD, anything could tick him off, left seat instead of right or grey chair instead of white chair, if I have so much trouble I can't imagine parents with autistic kids.

    I saw a middle aged lady screaming near my ears "Indians, Indians fucking Indians everywhere and guess where she was? A Hindu temple ... Did she expect Pope there?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://meandmythinkingcap.blogspot.com/2012/03/sent-in-wooden-chest-on-waters-sun.html

      Delete
    2. Oh yes, I remember making that comment, and I HAVE NO REGRETS!

      Also, don't blame Meli. She just might be broken. Rather than getting motherly instincts, she sees one of these screaming kids and says, "You know, this isn't really making me want to have one any time soon."

      Delete
  29. Except on public transportation where we only took our little ones if it was absolutely necessary, we never let ours scream and cry. That is not to say they never started because there was nothing wrong with their voices - but - when little ones cry it is time for ACTION! Parents should take them outside and soothe, cajole, whatever it takes but crying and screaming is not only bad for adults, it is bad for babies!

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  30. Bravo for this post! And these are the same parents who let their children run off to "entertain" strangers by throwing dirt-wads or boogers at them, grabbing their wallets, slobbering on their food, etc. -all the while watching silently. Damn parents, should've used a condom.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Ohhh Robyn! You sure these are children, uh human children, you are talking about? Sounds a lot like Ogre families. I live in a small town though and small surrounding towns so I never see stuff like that...now I remember why I like it here so much!

      Delete
    2. Come to think of it, David, you're right. I experienced more of this in urban America (LA and the SF Bay Area). I'm in a small town now too, and I think the kids here are a bit more tame. But there are always exceptions.

      Delete
  31. Man, I don't think I've ever seen y'all out so much on the response trail.

    We spent years not going to movies because of our children. I don't understand why you'r pay $10 to go to a movie that you can't hear. Or watch. Or anything. And don't bring your 4-y-o to Saw (I haven't seen it, just thought it would be a good example) because you can't find a sitter.

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  32. People are lining up at computers to leave comments in agreement on this. Yes, even those of us that have children and grandchildren have NO patience for people with fussy kids in places that should be "fuss-free zones". AND the kicking of the backs of seats in theaters and on planes should have monetary fines.

    Oh and I love the World Okayest Husband shirt.

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  33. Somehow, after our parent's generation, things changed. My father would tell us to shut up, and we did. And we were not a generation of wimps.

    We knew my dad couldn't really knock us into next week, but had some inkling that he might be able to knock us into the weekend.

    And my dad was not a frequent hitter-there was only one time I vividly remember, but it established that he WOULD.

    Kids these days seem to know you can't hit them (or parents these days are wimps-not sure which)

    That said, I can forgive the parents the kids screaming on the plane. I am sureeven the fear of my father's belt did not silence us 100% all the time.

    But why do parents take their kids to places it is inappropriate to take a kid. I remember a hispanic couple bringing an infant into a rather loud, special effects-laden film (may have been that Die Hard sequel where they do all the computer stuff) and the kid screamed at the explosions.

    Gee-who'd have seen that coming? A baby frightened by loud noises in Dolby Surround Sound?

    They were right in front of me, and I did everything I could to either drive them out of the theater or at least pick a fight with the Dad, including calling the couple wetbacks and calling the kid an anchor baby. They ignored me, only leaving when finally a theater employee asked them to leave (probably because they were afraid I would incite a riot-my companion said she'd never seen me that pissed off).

    OK-I was acting a little immaturely, but that was IGNORANT!

    And I expect nothing less than ignorance from Americans!

    Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  34. I can't wait until you guys have kids. Then, just maybe, you will understand that no matter how good of a parent you are or how well behaved your child is, there will always be screaming and unnecessary noises. It's inevitable!

    But yes, I still agree with everything you just said in this post....and I have kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Dan, if I had a dollar for every time you wished kids upon me, I could have kids and then just make very expensive nannies raise them for me.

      Delete
  35. When my kids were little, it used to really piss me off when my husband and I would scrape together money to go out to a nice dinner and pay a babysitter so we could enjoy some adult time and the people at the next table brought their obnoxious/screaming kid/kids.!

    There's a restaurant in Wells, Maine, called The Steakhouse, and they have two levels of dining; downstairs is for families, upstairs is for adults only. But it's the only restaurant I know of that does this. There must be sound-proofing in the downstairs ceiling, because I don't rememnber ever eating there and being disturbed by the sounds of obnoxious children!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know of restaurants in my town that seat the families in one section almost like a semi closed off room and everyone else where ever they want for the most part. My children were always well behaved and we never sat in the 'screamer seating'.

      Delete
  36. I can't wait to take my screaming kids to the films to annoy all of you...

    ReplyDelete
  37. Interesting post and MORE interesting comments. I admit that there is nothing that ruins the ambiance of ANYTHING/PLACE more than a screaming anybody, but please dump the popcorn box, or punch the face of, or strangle the parents first. What is wrong with these people? Children/babies scream as a means of communication.Children need to be disciplined and taught how to behave, and that takes time, but most of the people(and I use that word indulgently)who take their children to such places don't have two brain cells keeping company.

    Don't get me wrong I like children, especially babies, I even have some, but it's the parents and their inconsiderate, self-centered, I need my 'me' time and nothing is going to stop/change me from enjoying my night out, and to hell with you attitude; that make me want to SCREAM!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Bless you both! If the kid is that damn unruly here's a thought- Hire a sitter and leave them at HOME! The parents enjoy a night out, we all enjoy a night out and it is a win-win.

    Oh, that's right....

    Your childs name is on the top of the sticky board at the sitter recommendation hotline under- DO NOT HIRE OUT! As in Good luck getting ANYONE to put up with the brat.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Always have a lolipop handy, guys. When these kids start, show them the lollipop. Then eat it. It's amazing for toddlers. ALTERNATIVELY, just keep telling them Santa doesn't exist. It's a lie, but sometimes it's a necessary lie. More presents for us, eh!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. D4 for president, 2016. I'm calling it now.

      Delete
  40. I'm incredibly mature when I'm stuck in a place with a screaming kid. "WOW, PERSON WHO I AM SITTING WITH, I REALLY LOVE ATTENTIVE PARENTS WHO MAKE THEIR KIDS BEHAVE." or "ITS AMAZING HOW WELL BEHAVED ALL THESE KIDS ARE TONIGHT." Screamed loudly, unless I'm at work, in which case I put on a fake smile and get an eye twitch.

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  41. What, pray tell, is a mute orgy? That's all I got from this..does that mean my mind is dirty? Is it an orgy with only mutes...

    I hate screaming kids.

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  42. Why do some parents take kids everywhere? Two years old or younger and you take them to a rock concert and just let them run around? I don't even care if it is shopping. If the kid is disruptive, it is time to take the kid and go.

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  43. I could write all day long about this, but there aren't enough expletives in any of the languages I speak.

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  44. Comments are kinda scaring me more than huffingtonpost :-) I am starting to think that you guys aren't kidding anymore.

    and the temple-Indian metaphor I wanted to share this link, but fuck iPad 4 , didn't allow me to copy paste any link or edit. Check a autistic kid's dad's response

    http://www.quora.com/Survey-Questions/Whats-the-nicest-thing-anyone-has-ever-done-for-you#ans2172393

    where would you want these parents to take their kids to? If even they get "looks and parenting" advice in freaking Disneyland?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great story. And actually, I would expect a screaming kid at Disneyland. We're just talking about places like a fancy restaurant or an adult aged movie, where a little kid (2-3 years old) doesn't need to be, especially if they're screamers. And the kids we're talking about aren't autistic kids that can't express themselves, but the kids who have parents that don't even try to quiet them.

      Also, I'm not anti-child. I think they taste wonderful in a stew.

      Delete
    2. Agreed restaurant,movies a big no.
      Some people seem to have no empathy or tolerance even in grocery shops,stores etc., hope you read the story about a redneck who hit 2 year old kid who was crying in front of her mother who came to buy medicine?

      And you arent anti-child. The fact is, guys like you are the ones who flip to "loveydovey" daddy overnight. ;) like how ex-feminists make excellent step ford wives.


      Kids are alright, no kid is well behaved all the time, they have ups and downs.

      Last week, morning broke in our house like this "mom, you think you are a good mom, but you aren't, you never let me sleep enough, you wake me up early"


      And good night went like this "mom I will build you a vending machine for kitchen, you don't need to climb and work hard while you cook" .

      Delete
    3. Hey, who says I'm not a "loveydovey" kind of guy now? Maybe I'm just trying to look tough on the Internet.

      If your kids build you a vending machine, please send them out here to build one for me, too. As a stay at home full time writer while the wife works, or "stepford wife" myself, I'm sick of cooking every single day...

      Delete
  45. I have children and I also agree with you.
    I remember once my oldest trying to throw a tantrum in the bank. So I copied him. Tantrum stopped very quick and never happened again.
    Parents need to deal with tantrums the first time they happen and by deal I don't mean give in or else you are just rewarding the bad behavior.
    There are exceptions of course, but if a child is unpredictable and temperamental then perhaps parents need to reconsider the fancy restaurant and movie and go for Maccas and a DVD of Finding Nemo

    ReplyDelete
  46. Vacant parents birthing vacant children for the sake of society telling them to do it, or to create glue in a failing relationship, only to see it suffer at the sake of the child.

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  47. The parents who carry on chatting to eachother completely unaware of their screaming child are the best type of parents. x

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  48. I swear there's times when I'm with my baby out in public and there's another kid screaming his face off when even my baby looks at the screaming kids parents like "Seriously?" and then we make eye contact and high-five each other for being awesome enough to have a baby that rarely cries (yeah I'm bragging) and for my kid to be lucky enough to have a parent that knows when to get a baby sitter.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Airplanes I can forgive parents, because they have to get somewhere, but nice restaurants and theaters? No! Seeing a late, grow up movie with crying, exhausted toddlers is never okay. When I was a nanny for three rowdy boys, the parents would lOve to take us all out to fancy restaurants when I traveled with them. I got to the point where I would beg tO stay back with the kids and eat hot dogs, rather than be humiliated in the restaurants because of how bad the boys were. They and I were so much happier to staying at the rental where they could play.

    ReplyDelete
  50. It’s an awesome publish in support of all the web people; they will take advantage from it I am sure... by OPS 571 Final Exam material provider

    ReplyDelete
  51. Babies and toddlers in cinema's? Doesn't America have age-restrictions for films? We have "18-rated", for over 18s, "15-rated" and "12-rated". No one under that age can enter the cinema to see it. End of. It's the law. So how can people take their young children into see these films?

    Obviously we also have "U" (universal, suitable for all) and PG (parental guidance), where kids *can* go. I always avoid these films, just in case.

    Taking babies and toddlers to the cinema is selfish. They cannot watch the film, as they have the attention span of a gnat. But it seems that's okay, because children should be able to go anywhere, it's their RIGHTS!!! (Fuck off).

    ReplyDelete
  52. Almost nailed them all, good job. I can't remember how many fucking times I had left a cafeteria because a mom of the year with her brat just had to sit right next to me and proceed to enter an ''I don't give a shit'' trance while her baby ruin's practically everyone's tranquil morning.

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