Thursday, May 2, 2013

They See Me Trollin', They Hatin'...

Before we get to today's post, we wanted to announce the winners of our recent contest. We threw all of the contestants' names into a hat, and pulled out two lucky winners.




Our winners were G.B. Miller from Cedar's Mountain and, interestingly enough, on our second attempt we managed to pull two names out at once, so we're going to honor it and proclaim Deb from Just Keepin' it Real, Folks! and Jen from Jaybird's Nest as dual winners, meaning they can fight to the death over the second book. Either that, or they each get one.*

*According to our lawyers, that second one.

Now then, today we want to talk about criticism, which was spurred by some chats we've had recently with our good friend and fellow author/blogger J.A. Kazimer. You see, we understand that no matter how good you are, not everyone is going to like your writing. If you made an honest attempt at reading one of our books and just didn't care for it, we respect your opinion.

But then there's another brand of criticism... the troll review. Someone who clearly didn't read the book. Or someone who doesn't have enough brain cells to be reading a book in the first place. Or someone who just lacks any semblance of common sense. We wanted to share with you some of the more memorable (and laughable) troll reviews we've gotten over the years, as read by actual trolls. And our responses to them.

#1: I hate this, but everyone else will love it.





Logic would seem to dictate that if you "hate" a particular genre of book, not to read it. But that didn't stop this lady. Also, she felt that people who actually like the zombie genre would love it, but she gave it one star because SHE didn't like it?

Gee, thanks. That's really helpful to all the people browsing books.

#2. This is the most vile piece of filth ever penned.



*No really, I did. It's on my desk.

As a politically incorrect humor writer, you know you've done your job well when you get one of these reviews. Also, we have to point out the hilarity of complaining about the plot not making sense when you didn't actually read the book. You mean those 3 chapters I skipped were vital to the plot? No way!

#3. This book about zombies is totally not plausible.




That's right. In a comedy book about black Elvis, a fat janitor, and a stripper saving the world from reanimated corpses, you just can't put something like a zombie tiger or a drunk guy in there...

Because it's totally unrealistic.

#4. THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING.




Yes, a book about little green monsters taking over modern technology and destroying the world is not science fiction. It's historical erotica nonfiction. Silly us for miscategorizing it. It won't happen again.

Also, we're sorry this wasn't believable science fiction. We have the same bone to pick with Star Trek, which features alien races, starships, and teleporters. I don't know why people like this series; it's just so damn unrealistic.

#5. Epic review is epic.


But alas, not all reviews are troll reviews. For example, there's this epic review we got the other day. We're not even going to quote it. Seriously, just go check it out, laugh your ass off, and vote it up (Was this useful to you? YES) so that other people can see it.

"You Probably Had to Be There" by Bapak

Best. Review. Ever. (And sadly, about 99% true)

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Neighbourhood
Beer: Leffe Blond

P.S. if you're a writer, go check out J.A. Kazimer's blog. She's a good friend, a fellow humor writer, and like us, will "tell it like it is." Tell her we sent you and your next oil change is free.*

*99.9% chance she will not honor this




59 comments:

  1. The second one reminds me of when the southpark kids write the worst book they could think of (interestingly, the inspiration behind 2girls1cup) and everyone reads it and cries and vomits.

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    1. Yes! You're referring to "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs," and while that's a lot to live up to, if our books have made even a single person vomit I think I can say I'll die happy.

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  2. That's right guys - more realism! Maybe a zombie badger.
    I've had a few good ones as well. Like the guy who downloaded the sample and gave it one star because he didn't like it. Dude, you didn't even read it.

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  3. Best critique I ever got was from my 17 year old niece, after she read my WIP for the first time she said, "You are unnecessarily crude in places where you just don't need to be". God I love that kid...but yeah, she hit the nail on the head because that's me in a nutshell.

    And, Deb, just so you know, I'm ready to go anytime you are-LOL. Thanks guys!

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    1. GOOD GAWD, I thought my days of openin' up a can of whoop ass were long gone once I moved outta that damn trailer park. I guess ya can take the girl outta West Virginia but ya can't take the West Virginia outta the girl hey? OK Jaybird, I guess this old hag is ready for a redneck rumble.

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    2. West Virginia, trailer park Red neck rumble? Oh my! I don't think I'm up for all of that. As you know, we Jersey Girls are all famous for our class and sophistication...ha ha ha. So, you win. You'll get no fight from me.

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  4. There are some seriously messed up people in the world. Loved your rebuttals.

    As for Bapak's review. WOW...this guy has given a lot of thought to "your process". Really funny review though. (BTW..was there alcohol involved?)

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    1. Alcohol is ALWAYS involved. Beer is the lubrication that keeps the wheels in motion. Or at least that's the classy way of saying "we drink beer make good story."

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  5. Ahhh but there is a method to the trolls that many do not intentionally see. They aren't trolling for the sake of trolling, usually, no they are giving you a bad review, why? Because they have a book in the same category and want to make yours look bad so they can make theirs look better. And guess what else? Some of these reviews aren't authors or trollers, nope, they are people that the author paid to give you a bad review. Again to make your book look bad and theirs look good. There are certain sites one can go to do get this done. One of my recent ones whined because there was no ads in the back of the book, really? Who the feck whines about that, followed the troll and found they were just trying to make it look bad for the sake of another book. So 99% of the time, bad reviews aren't what they seem.

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  6. Is that actually how you write a collaborative piece? I always wondered how that worked, and frankly, that review roughly summed up how I imagined it went down.

    Anyway, this post didn't make sense. I mean I didn't read paragraphs 2 through 23, but it still just didn't make sense.

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    1. THIS COMMENT WAS NOT HUMOR. I LIKE HUMOR BUT THIS COMMENT DID NOT MAKE SENSE. ONE STAR.

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  7. I think you once showed a picture of that framed review on your desk actually. It must be a pretty epic review when you take the time to get it printed and framed. I'm still yet to get many reviews but they're usually positive. I've not seen a troll review yet.

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  8. Love the Darth Vader troll's huge beer gut!

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  9. Trolls and bad reviews you gotta love 'em. I've heard that the sheer number of reviews on Amazon - good, bad, or indifferent are what drive your books up in their ratings. True/False? If so, thank the ugly buggers. If not, well...do what Merle says.

    As far as feeling being hurt over bad reviews go - everyone says 'grow a thicker skin'. Guess I'll need to become an armadillo.

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    1. Yep, it's true, a book with a few bad reviews will actually drive sales up higher than a book with nothing but good reviews. Buyers will often think it looks "too good to be true", i.e. nothing but reviews from family and friends, and pass it up.

      So truly, we're thankful for the troll reviews. They just help us sell more books.

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  10. WHOOP WHOOP I won in a tie, but hey, a win is a win so I'll take it baby!!!! Is that a booger on the person's finger who didn't understand the plot? Obviously too busy picking her nose to read crucial chapters.

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  11. Just wait until you're famous enough to get wishes of venereal disease on you! Then you've MADE IT, BABY!

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  12. I think any review is a good review unless it's some guy writing a two word sentence like "you suck".

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    1. and lol at the zombie tiger guy. I think they were in some resident evil spinoff game on ps2 where some zoo gets zombiefied. Send him a copy.

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  13. Maybe I am a clairvoyant or something, somehow I predicted that you are going to post about reviews :)
    Why people hate trolls? They unknowingly make us laugh and giggle and sometimes raise our eyebrows. Maybe, it is all fun as long as I am not trolled? :)

    I once reviewed an ipad thirdparty seller. I ordered a "wi-fi only" one for 3G price and when I realised the mistake and I tried to return it. That dimwit wasnt taking the news well. Email chain would have started a bonfire seriously, he said he would charge me 15% as restocking fee and shipping charges twice the amount when I "refused" the package - note "refused" not even "return".

    And then started the cry business, "I make my living by selling washedup products and reselling" ie buying from amazon and ebay and stocking in his garage and then selling it twice the amount when it runs out of stock in sites and he wanted me to show him mercy and let him live by giving a positive review about him and I did succumb to his yielding and changed but still he didnt want my review he was constantly nagging me to change the review and said you dont you delete this review and start a new one. Guess what? I did and I couldnt leave a review again. Then I filed a complained in A-Z claims or something. True story.

    Now, I never ever ever would buy anything from thirdparty seller and if I am leaving a bad review I dont leave tracks. :)

    I am not writer and never planning to become one, but I prefer some spicy comments - doesnt matter whether it is good or bad.

    So what exactly do you expect from a reviewer?

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    1. Truthfully, I don't expect anything from a reviewer. As mentioned in a comment above, even troll reviews help us sell books, and while some people get butthurt, we find them funny.

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  14. So what you're saying is that in order to write a fair and accurate review, you have to read the book you're reviewing? What a novel concept! (Pun not intended.)

    Bapak's review was awesome. I can see that exact picture in my head as well. :)

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    1. It's pretty spot on, minus the Mountain Dew. I'd never drink that horse piss. Now then... where'd I put my Coors Light?

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  15. Bapak hit the nail on the head with his review! Loved it!

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  16. I hate when I skip chapters in a book and it doesn't make sense. The author should know that I am going to skip chapters and adjust for that.

    I just changed my oil. When does that coupon expire?

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  17. But you said that any review is appreciated! :)

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  18. Love the "I hate books about (whatever the book is about,) so I didn't like it" comments...so helpful. :)I mean comments like those really make or break it for me when buying a book.

    It's gotten to the point where I don't even read the reviews on a book I'm thinking of purchasing. So few are helpful...

    To funny:)

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  19. It's nice that you guys don't get upset over troll reviews, because lots of people get very depressed about such things. Just because someone with a computer can type something doesn't mean that you have to take it to heart.

    And that review was... a bit weird. He wrote this huge paragraph like he hated the book. And in the end he said that he liked the book :/

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  20. Popping in to say hi and that you guys ROCK! Love the post. Congrats to the winners.

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  21. congrats on the winners....damn them!

    it is great that you guys can laugh about them if it where me I would curl up in a dark corner somewhere and never write again...

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  22. So I didn't read anything past the title, but I think this post could have been a lot better. I'm not really into whatever it was about but I recommend it highly to whoever is. Except the parts that you talk about whatever it is about. I give it two thumbs down and 5 stars.

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  23. Trollin down the street and I had to stop
    Turn up the radio and drop the top!

    What do you get when you mix a troll with a bad author? Bryan. Ba Zing!

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  24. That was the most epic review ever...and spot on!

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  25. If all goes well, my review of Slim will be up tomorrow. The biggest catch at this point is that I haven't figured out how I feel about it.

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  26. Congrats to the winners :)! And ugh, there are trolls everywhere - any one of the mentioned would drive me nuts. Their arguments are all invalid :P - but it makes a good laugh at least :)!

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  27. Psst. 100% chance, my friends.

    That was the best review. So who is the cliche writer and who is the added fart jokes?

    I have to say I did enjoy #2 as well. If you're going to pen vile stuff, why not make it the most vile EVER. Which is high honors.

    Thanks for sending your 'fans' my way. My blog now needs a good, hot washing.

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  28. I saw someone the other day say that they've never seen Matrix: Revolutions, and they refuse to watch it because of how bad they know it is. Wrap your mind around that.

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  29. I don't get why or how somebody could complain about a book about zombies being unrealistic especially one that's intended as a comedy, it's crazy that people actually said this, some people just aren't satisfied. I love the "you had to be there," review but my favourite thing is that the one from the other guy about it being unrealistic says "BUYER BEWARE," like you're pulling some grand scam on people haha, love this.

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  30. The funny thing is, I actually remember reading some of these reviews because they were so ridiculous. This was a nice while ago too, so I'm proud of these little dip-poos for making such lasting statements.

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  31. If somebody is skipping chapters and expects the book to make sense, they must have only ever read Twilight. What a shame.

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  32. Yeah, the epic review sounded a little too realistic. I thought he was trying to insult you, though, until I read the praise at the end. It's funny how some people seem to be attempting to get noticed by publishers for, not their books, but their book reviews. As they should.

    xoRobyn

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  33. Wow, you couldn't make that up. However, the first guy cracked me up the most with his primate lines. Mind you, it's good humor reading the reviews in some cases.

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  36. [THIRD TIME’S A CHARM, RIGHT?]

    You know how I know when I've seen a great movie? If I can walk away from it every 10 to 15 minutes, return 10 or 15 minutes later, and keep up that pattern throughout the 90 or 120 minutes, and yet I still understand what's happening in the story - THAT'S how I know I've seen a great movie!

    If you Beer Boys can't do the same in your books with chapters (rather than minutes), so that a reader can't skip chapters without losing sight of the plot, then you needs to learn how to write mo' bettah.

    Plus, you know, if you're going to write Horror and Science Fiction, it's your job to make it “BE-LEEE-VABLE”. Like the movies 'CARRIE' and ‘THE FURY’. And, like, if you’re going to write a story where Indiana Jones and his mother jump off a cliff, you better make sure Indiana knows a lot about [Link:] POLARITY AND GRAVATIVITY AN’ SHIT LIKE THAT. In other words, it better be scientifically accurate so we can “BE-LEEEVE this story”.

    OK, I’m done. Actually, I’m not... I need to tell Bryan this: You submitted a comment to my blog, but I never even got a chance to fully read it. I went to “publish” it, figuring I’d read it in full then, and reply. But when I clicked “Publish”, a Blogspot Bug ate the whole thing and it apparently disappeared. (Can one legitimately use those two words together? – “apparently disappeared”.)

    Anyway, I was going to tell you that I finished reading “Meechie” And The Monkey-Flavored Phallicship, and share a few thoughts about it. But I’ll catch up wid ya on that later, Beer Brother.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

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  37. P-P-POSTSCRIPT:
    I just now read the BigBitch.com review by Bapak.

    >>...Best. Review. Ever. (And sadly, about 99% true)

    The one percent that was fiction was the Mountain Dew.

    Hmmm... "Wash. Rinse. Repeat.", eh?
    Good & Good review, Bryan & Brandon! I raise my IPA and toast to... many, many sales!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  38. Good and bad reviews, it's interesting to read people's take on your book...and what they did or didn't like.

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  39. As you say bad reviews help sell, so troll on

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  40. Congrats to the winner!

    I just visited j.a. kazimer's blog. She is a great writer. I'll leave her a comment when I'm done here.

    That comment, oh my gosh. Hilarious! I'll be honest, I'm scared of negative reviews. I'm not sure my fragile ego can handle them.

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  41. That's beautiful. I actually try to get negative feedback sometimes and can't seem to do it. Everyone online is just so damn nice! What? What's that? I'm being told that's not even close to the truth, please disregard everything I've written up to this point.
    I shall now and forever picture the bloated troll in my head as wearing a Darth Vader helmet (though it will be ill-fitting with jowls and neck fat spilling out from beneath it).

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  42. Thanks for choosing me as a winner of your book. This book just might make me break my book reading hiatus.

    Thanks for turing me onto three spiffy new blogs for me peruse, use and abuse.

    Finally, awesomesauce troll reviews.

    Life is indeed good.

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  43. So basically you got reviews that felt like they were stolen from a bunch of Youtube comments?

    Sounds about right.

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  44. You've had some utterly moronic reviews there, but it seems that most of the buzz has been positive and constructive. If anyone criticises Slim Dyson, let me know and I'll fly out to their house with a baseball bat.

    Yes, I've recently read Slim Dyson and it was fantastic.

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  45. Amusing as it is to see troll comments, I just don't understand why people feel the need..

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  46. I think the troll comments tend to work pretty well to recommend a book, because if I see a negative comment that is ignorant, I immediately think that if they didn't like the book, I would LOVE it. Works for movies, too.

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  47. I can fully identify with this post. I recently made it to the quarterfinals in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, and I'll just say that my Publisher's Weekly review was less-than-stellar. I alternate between wondering whether I smacked this nameless individual upside the head in an earlier life and marveling at my apparent ability to offend someone so deeply.

    Not sure my skin is thick enough to print out and frame that particular criticism, though - kudos to you for that!

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  48. Some people were just born to be retards. There. I said it.

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    1. P.S. I don't mean you fellas. (Just to be sure, right?) ;)

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