Monday, May 13, 2013

Taking a Stance Against Stances


It seems you can't turn on your TV or even just watch an online video without first seeing a PSA from some random celebrity. You know, their stance against (insert world crisis here). But we wondered, why do people need to take such a firm stance against these things? Isn't that kind of a given?

For example, let's take a PSA like this:



So what, you want a man-of-the-year award because you boldly proclaimed that rape "isn't cool"? Congratulations; unless you're truly a shitty human being, you're right there with the rest of us.

It's not like you're ever going to turn on the TV and one day see this...


We're all for ridding the world of sexual assault. So is everyone else with half a brain. So why do celebrities insist on making it sound like they're making a controversial statement by coming out against something?




Thank God we have brave souls like Channing Tatum risking their own public image to step forward and take an unpopular stance on enslaving and killing innocent children. If it weren't for that, we might have to see something like this on TV instead...


Newsflash: everyone in the world thinks enslaving and murdering children is fucked up, minus the people that are actually doing it. The ratio of people who are against murdering children to those who are for it is probably ten million to one. So please, celebrities, stop making it sound like you're on a holy crusade because you declared that child slavery is "just totally super NOT cool, guys."

But it's not just taking a stance on a horrid act of violence. No, we also love seeing the PSAs where a celebrity takes a "stand" against something that they just got caught doing. For example...



Let's face it, when you see a commercial like this, you know she's just doing it because it's the only thing keeping her ass out of jail. I bet if Lindsay was to truly clarify her opinion of drunk driving, it'd sound a lot like this...


So watch out world, because one day we might become celebrities. And when we do, we might just come out and make a PSA video.



So just remember, every book you buy from us goes towards keeping a child locked in a basement knitting knockoff sports jerseys and toward punching a Labrador Retriever directly in the face.

...or maybe it doesn't, because we're not shitty human beings and we both have a shred of common sense and decency.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
-B&B

Beer: Warka
Music: Porcupine Tree





59 comments:

  1. OOOOHHHHHH Bryan, Sarah McLachlan is so gonna open up a can of whoop ass on ya for that comment about advocating animal abuse. LMAO!!!!!!

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  2. I'm Anne O'Leary and I'm taking a stand against passing gas in elevators. It's not right to impose your odour on others. So next time you feel the urge, clamp those cheeks together hard and hold in that wind till you get to your car. Who doesn't like the smell of their own farts? Right. I'm right aren't I?

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    1. Pffft get in the elevator with your enemy and let it rip

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    2. I second this. We all need oxygen tank to be installed for everyone in every elevator.

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    3. It should be extended to any small confined space...please use deodorant and do not fart!

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  3. I'm angry and I'm for angry people because without them who would wee have to laugh at and pity......oh right celebrities!

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  4. I'm Alex and I'm taking a stand against Brussels sprouts. They are disgusting and no child should be forced to eat them.

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  5. LOL yeah just gives them attention and a big tax break, that is the reason, all about the dough, plus the less brain cells they have the more they have to state the obvious

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  6. I never understood why anyone gives a rats ass what celebrities think about anything. Just because you act or sing doesn't mean you know anything about anything and in America it is historically quite the opposite.

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  7. I'm Denise Baer and I'm taking a stand against bad breath. If you're standing in close proximity to anyone, and your breath smells like last nights ass, do not talk or breathe. Clean air is everyone's responsibility.

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  8. I'm taking a stand against people who are taking a stand against people who are taking a stand against common sense. Add another link to that chain!

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  9. Pointing out the obvious is pointless, doesn't matter if you're a celebrity.

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  10. blaahhhh. First world problems...naahhhh.

    I wish celebrities in turd world countries do this. Instead they promote rape, violence, and genocide - atleast in small scale via their movies and soapoperas and even commercials.

    Have you watched Indian movies? Any woman who is loud, arrogant or rich - is taught a lesson and brought on her knees by the lead actor(hero) by raping her. And every woman who doesnt follow a man's footpath "deserve to get raped".
    "Deserve to get raped" - you wouldnt know how many times I have heard that.

    The problem is these guys if they take stance on homophobia, gun violence,contraception etc., like current affairs it would make sense or even slavery :)

    Either these guys need to travel to those countries frozen in the time or has to time travel to past and make these statements else they look like RipVanWinkle's drinkbuddies :)

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  11. I'm Elsie and I'm taking a stand against passing gas in an elevator - wait that's taken. I'm Elsie and I'm angry at people, crap, that's taken. I'm Elsie and I'm taking a stand against Brussels sprouts, shit, taken! Forget it. I'm taking a stand against taking a stand.

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    Replies
    1. Too late, check Dan's comment that is taken too.

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  12. Hi. I'm Chiz. I have enough money to end world hunger and still have enough left over to fund my 97 vacation homes and send my 423 illegitimate children through Yale, but I'm asking for your assistance to help poor little Gura, here. With just 5 cents a day, you can feed, shelter, and clothe little Gura. I hope my message has touched you, but unfortunately this PSA must be cut short because I'm due for a $10,000 banquet with the President in a half an hour, and my private pilot is late getting back from his lunch break.

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  13. I'm Gia, and I'm taking a stand against mornings. Because...fuck mornings. *Yawns*

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  14. If it was just about drawing attention to the situation then I probably wouldn't mind so much. People are surprisingly dumb and ill informed. Look at the KONY stuff. People really didn't have any clue that there were even child soldiers. Informing people is good, treating them like they're retards by taking a stance about things where the stance is obvious, not so good.

    Besides Russel Brand is a well known sex pest and he's probably all for rape.

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  15. Hi, I'm Stephen T. McCarthy and I'm taking a stand against EVERYTHING that's bad. I don't mean "good" bad, I mean "bad" bad. If it's "bad" bad, I'm against it, and I think you should be against it too. Just say "No!" to bad things, so we can leave a better world behind for our children and their children, and for their children's children, and for their children's children's children! Remember folks: Bad... it ain't good!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  16. I think it would be stating the obvious to tell you that this was hilarious.

    Pretty sure that the whole point of these is so that the celebrity doesn't wreck their image by saying something actually controversial. Problem is that this scheme is bullshit and anyone with half a brain will call them out on it.

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  17. Bryan sure is keeping his legs close together. ;D

    The celebrities mostly do it because they tink it benefits them. Sure there's people who go "that guy's a good person, wonder if his music is any good", but that's a very, very small percentage. The others are more reasonable, and see that it's bullshit. Repetitive attentionwhoring.

    Dogs too strong, dogs too strong.

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    Replies
    1. He's keeping his legs together to conceal that boner he has for animal abuse.

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    2. Oh and thanks again for the comment on Caves. Great to hear I'm getting better, even though it's only short parts I write.
      I changed the snoring part up a bit, thanks for the tip! It's indeed odd to suddenly involve "you" if I haven't been doing that at all.

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  18. So seriously, I'm Kim Kardashian. I'm standing against the papa-richy, papa-rock -giggle- whatever, you know what I mean. Like people need to respect my private parts. I mean my privacy, like the fact when I go on the beach looking like a beached whale in my bikini an yous take pictures an call me a fatass cow. Like I'm pregnant. Thank yous.

    PS Great post. Is that an actual photo of Lindsay or a cartoon drawing? I can't tell.

    xoRobyn

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  19. Love this as always guys. Good point about this, it's ridiculous some of these public service announcements that just state the obvious, such as this post being absolutely awesome, great job!

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  20. I would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know that I am pro-donuts but very anti-squirrel Frisbee. Thank you.

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  21. I would really love to see truth serum-induced PSA announcements!

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  22. Russell Brand is AGAINST rape? That's weird, I always thought he'd be up for anything that allows him to get his end away.

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  23. Newsflash: everyone in the world thinks enslaving and murdering children is fucked up, minus the people that are actually doing it.

    You say this, but unfortunately its not true. There are so many uneducated idiots out there, who don't watch the news and the only way they ever hear about any of this, is when there favorite celebrity tells them they should care about it.

    Justin Bieber could literally end world hunger by encouraging his fans to donate to third world causes.

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  24. Can I take a stand against literally taking the stand?

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  25. I can just see it now: "Hello, we are renowned writers and actors, Bryan and Brandon, and we are taking a stand against drinking beer in the shower. It's just...not cool, okay? Don't drink beer in the shower."

    (Dramatic music swells, then fade to black.) And thus ends the worldwide epidemic of shower beer drinking.

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  26. I am taking a stance against anyone having to listen to anything about Lindsay Lohan...well unless she does something good...which probably is safe to say, won't happen.

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  27. The third image gives me an idea...

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  28. I would like to take a stance on the rest of the world NOT having that shred of common sense you mentioned. Ah, never mind. I would rather take a stance at the bar and just watch them screw up.

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  29. I think I got my formatting issues worked out (I think), so here's your warning.

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  30. It honestly offends me when "celebrities" come out with a particular viewpoint. The thing that really gets to me is more often than not they lack sufficient depth of knowledge to make a competent judgment on the subject. Take the celebrity-driven push against vaccinations, or Scientology's push for big-name celebrity members. Just because a person can read lines, or sing a catchy tune, doesn't necessarily mean they are qualified to have a viewpoint on pretty much anything.

    Of course I realize this applies to myself as well. So I always do my best to research my opinions, but sometimes the vitriol just finds its own way out....

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  31. I'm supposed to be against rape AND genocide AND Drunk Driving AND child labor AND Bryan fighting a dog? That's alot to commit to. Can you just pick one?

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  32. It would make more sense if they supported things that needed people to help raise awareness for. But with basically everything they support, the money spent on commercials or whatever else they're advertising with..... Shouldn't that money just go to the cause? Instead of paying the camera crews and stuff?

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  33. Wow. Lindsay's looking pretty good these days. You guys are too kind. I may have to take a stand against, um, well no maybe not. Bring on the kindness!

    (I was really feeling like a beer tonight--been too long;))

    (Hiccup)

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  34. I think celebrities 'stances' are just the live versions of those Facebook posts that say 'if you hate cancer you'll post this message.' Do you suppose there's a way to block celebrities, like you can people's posts on Facebook?

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  35. I'm taking a stance against the destruction of reality itself. Because without it we'd all be gone and stuff. LOL?

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  36. I suppose I can't swipe this as a marketing idea for my book, eh?

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  37. Hi, my name is Damian and I'm against natural disasters. They destroy homes and hurt people so we shouldn't have them anymore m'kay.

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  38. I am taking a stand against me being poor, it isn't OK and everyone just needs to give 1 dollar a day to adopt me...amazing German. Get your own German now!

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  39. I'd like to contribute, but I'm more of a 'taking a sit' kinda guy.

    I said SIT, dammit.

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  40. There are occasionally celebrities who take a stand for something controversial. Take, for example, Sean Connery, who, in an interview strongly advocated backhanding women when they get out of line. Not joking, just Google "Sean Connery domestic violence" or "Sean Connery spousal abuse," and enjoy the exact thing you're talking about, a vile human being who happens to be famous advocating something stunningly horrible.

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  41. Need to whack them in the knee, then they won't be standing for much

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  42. It makes you wonder if these people were always morons or if... Okay never mind, we can be pretty sure they were always morons.

    And look out, 'cause Yoki's gonna fuck your shit up, Bryan!

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  43. Sometimes PSA's are meaningful. Right? Right!?!?

    No.

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  44. I'm taking a stand; I'm just not going to share it with you.

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  45. I'm pretty happy I can skip commercials now. I think I'll continue to do that if people are standing up for things everyone's already standing up for.

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  46. Wow. I'm so glad I don't have to watch commercials anymore. Netflix and DVR saved me from this kind of crap. Yay!

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  47. You can almost hear the Hollywood agents whispering in their ears- "find a cause, pretend like you give a shit about something that isn't you".

    And that picture of L. Lo (especially her boobs) had me falling on the floor laughing.

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  48. Two things to consider: 1) $$$, 2) Most people have an IQ in the high 90 to low 100 range, and don't read, and are actually affected by a celebrity because they think celebrities are smart and see them as leaders (atheletes as well). Here in Colorado, if John Elway ran for Mayor against a Poly-Sci major who spent his whole life studying Colorado government and the flaws within, John would win because.. sigh.. Problem is, friend, you think people are smart. Now just stop that, sir!

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  49. I tried to leave an awesome comment when you first posted this but it didn't stick :(

    Of course now I have forgotten exactly what I wrote but be assured, it was as brilliant as you guys :)

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  50. ur posts r just as awesome as ever!!! :)

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  51. I go to bed every night 'relieved'.... that there are people who can tell me what is bad. Do you reckon I now qualify as a good person?

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