Sunday, May 19, 2013

A-BEER-Crombie and Fitch

It recently came to our attention that widely popular clothing maker Abercrombie and Fitch is in some hot water with the media. The company's CEO, Mike Jeffries (seen below) has vocalized his stance against fat and ugly people, and has made it very clear that he wishes for neither to shop in his stores. And let's be honest, we don't really blame him. After all, look at the guy. Does he look like the kind of man who should have to tolerate subnormal patrons paying his company in exchange for goods?


As you can see here, Jeffries, who moonlights as a botox-filled crash-test dummy, is a man who knows a thing or two about being good looking. Much like the svelte, illustrated version of himself that is commonly known as the Abercrombie logo...

The facial bone-structure is amazingly accurate, no?

So in the spirit of Abercrombie and Fitch's unapologetic statements, we wanted to turn our blog and our books into more than just a name. We want to be an exclusive brand. A club, if you will, for the Internet elite.


But to take it a step further than A&F, we don't just want the beautiful. We want the highly intelligent, too. You see, this is some clever, highbrow humor we're bringing you, and we don't want our words to fall on the ears of the ugly and the stupid. So starting on Thursday, if you want to continue reading our blog then you'll have to submit your headshot and your MENSA score* for our approval.

*If you just asked "What's a MENSA score?" then you've already failed, you dumb stupid idiot.

If you cannot provide these 2 items to our satisfaction, then you'll be automatically directed to a suicide prevention website where you can ponder the banality of your mediocre life.

This decision of course was made by our president, Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat, the most beautiful and intelligent of them all.


And again, it's not just our blog. We're also incorporating this exclusivity into our books. You see, you can still order our books from Amazon.com, but all new books have been fitted with a small webcam that will detect your beauty, and a 2 page intelligence test that will determine your eligibility to read the book.



If you fail either of these, the book will punch you in the face and permanently lock itself.*

*No refunds, either. If you ordered one of these and were too ugly or too stupid to open it, then let that be a lesson to your over-inflated sense of self worth.

So to the beautiful and the highly intelligent, we'll see you Thursday. As for the rest of you dumb uglies, well, you've been warned. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Cheers and stay beautiful, my brainy friends,
-B&B

Beer: 400 Lb. Monkey IPA
Music: Daft Punk



55 comments:

  1. You will just have to take my word for the fact that I am stunning beautiful and highly intelligent because I plan to continue reading.
    Although I think the guy in the first pic will totally get a punch in the face from your book.
    What a nutter
    (Hey look at me, I might even be first tonight)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You need a headshot? Crap, I'm in trouble. Can I submit Ryan Reynolds' instead? We're similar. (As in, we both have a head, two arms, and two legs.)
    MENSA score I can do. I can also forward the results of my IQ test.

    ReplyDelete
  3. *ducks* you guys can't see me from there, right? Right? *looks nervously at webcam*

    ReplyDelete
  4. What the hell is wrong with that man's face? Also that Handsome Bryan (at least I think it's supposed to be Bryan) looks pretty awesome. I think I can pass the intelligence test, but maybe not the beauty test.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awww dammit! I'm only super good looking.
    I love the logo. You should go with that logo. Sure, it'll be confusing to people who aren't familiar with the blog, but for those of us who are, having the silhouette of Peggy Sue on there is hilarious. But what do I know, I'm just a hyper-attractive dumb dumb.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hilarious! But Jeffries is no dummy (he is butt ugly though), publicity in the negative always creates a buzz and that's always a positive.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Good thing I bought all of your books already- cause I'm SOL after Thursday. MENSA smart, I am not. (Ironically, most of my family members qualify. Somehow it skipped me and I'm missing the genius gene.)

    Does anyone else feel the urge to try and squeeze their fat ugly selves into a A&F gear and parade around his stores, just to annoy that tool Jeffries? Cause I really, really want to.



    ReplyDelete
  8. Is there more to life than being ridiculously good looking? Oh yes, buying Abercrombie & Finch too.

    That guy looks Mickey Rourke wearing the skin of Rocky Dennis.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'll use the shine from my head to confuse you, you'll never know

    ReplyDelete
  10. I refuse to idly standby as you insult Jeffries' through his difficult transformation into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters!

    But back in the day I worked for Hollister (a chain of A&F). I wasn't pretty enough to work out front though, so they stuck me in the back. That still didn't exempt me from wearing ball-huggers and titty-chaffers. I just stopped showing up after 2 months. Good thing too, my former manager return to the store and robbed it at gun point (The store was in a mall. He wore a mask, but he was the only Asian to work there, and his eyes were visible. He wore Hollister clothes during the robbery. He took his mask off before leaving the mall. And guess what? He was caught).

    ReplyDelete
  11. He's an ugly fecker isn't he. Jaysus, I wouldn't want to wake up in the morning with that monstrosity next to me. I'm way too good looking for him. And my IQ is 180. I'm out of his league.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I love Chiz's comment! The guy from A & F is definitely a jerk!

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's not ugly, it's attractively challenged. I prefer you to use PC terms if you would please! See my blog for details.

    I actually thought about gaining an extra 50lbs and going to one of his stores and see how long it takes to get kicked out. At least we still got Old Navy to fall back on!

    And man! That dude is ugly! He shouldn't be allowed to wear his own clothes!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Damn, I'm glad I already read some of your books 'cause I got shit for brains.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't have a problem with sending the headshot as I am pretty good at Photoshop...although the webcam in your future books will mean that I can no longer buy any of your books. No one likes to be proven a liar.

    As for the Abocrombie guy...what a dick. He wants to only deal with good looking people yet, he is nuthin special.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I got no comment...I might be too stupid...derp derp.

    That dude is pissing me off, I once went into the Hollister store which is a branch of Abercrombie & Fitch - jaysus it was like wanting to buy clothes in a nightclub. It was so dark and it smelled so bad of there perfume...I never went back in.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I just can't with this tool.

    But if you two had a tshirt, by golly, I would wear it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thankfully I hide behind a cat and cats are always both of those, so we're good. But that is one ulgy fecker.

    ReplyDelete
  19. That Abercrombie and Fitch guy clearly got his mirror from an old carnival, because he obviously has NO idea what he actually looks like. It must be some twisted version of body dysmorphia, where the person can't see themselves properly--but instead of thinking he has a misshapen, Frankenstein's monster type face, he thinks he's some sort of god. An easy mistake to make when you're clinically insane.

    By the way, I plan to keep reading your blog, plus any of your books that happen to cross my path. Lucky for me, I'm fabulously attractive and incredibly intelligent. Oh, and I'm VERY humble, too.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I love the idea about the ABEERcrombie and Fitch thing guys haha, so funny. Ironic of the boss to claim A and F is for good looking only people considering. A very silly statement that's put a lot of people off A and F, and rightly so.

    ReplyDelete
  21. If I truly was a MENSA member I think I'd figure out some way around the pretty person requirement. On a side note, my best friend's little brother was one of those guys that was hired to stand outside of A&F and do nothing, but look hot. That was ten years ago, but she still mercilessly teases him for taking that job.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This amused me, 'til I had to bring up my MENSA score and I'm like "DAMN, I really should apply, I can't get back here Thursday because I'm late?!" It's a terrible predicament I've found myself in. I'll go about this right away.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Is "dumb stupid idiot" a particular sub-class of "stupid idiot"? Like different from the "stupid stupid idiot" or the "imbecilic stupid idiot"?

    By the way, MENSA, as a group, failed the intelligence test into the group I'm in.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You want me to stop reading? But I only look at the pictures anyway!

    ReplyDelete
  25. What if you have somebody smart and beautiful open the book for you and then hand it to you? That way you don't risk getting punched in the face AND the book will be successfully opened? Loopholes.

    ReplyDelete
  26. it's a pretty crazy day when an ugly man can tell ugly/fat people to not shop at his stores. That'd be like Dick Cheney giving a lecture about ethics of war.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Gah, this one had me cracking up :)

    But dang it, your latest book just arrived today. Now what am I going to do? Do I chance it and open it tonight to give it a read, like I had originally planned? Or do I just let it sit all pretty-like on my shelf and continue on with my delusions of beauty and intelligence? Eh, I guess I'll chance it, mostly because I'm too stupid to know that I'm not all that intelligent.

    ps. It seriously did come today and I'm so excited! The cover looks amazing. I now have two hard copies of your books...this might get addicting :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. How about I just send a photo of my breasts? I'm sure that will vouch for my intelligence as well as my physical beauty.

    Be warned though. You're going to want to punch yourself in the face when you realize you can't actually touch them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude's you gotta take her up on that!

      Delete
    2. abeerfortheshower@gmail.com

      Put up or shut up, amirite?

      Delete
    3. Oh, you "dumb stupid idiots"!
      You fell for that?!
      What part of "LIL DREAMER" led you to the belief you were dealing with a FEMALE?!

      You're about to receive a photo of his "HomoMoobs"!

      (Of course, if I turn out to be wrong, please be sure to forward the photo to me, eh?)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  29. It's about time you guys had some fuckin' standards around this dump.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I performed a few IQ tests, both officially and unofficially, and my scores made me eligible for an application-exam to MENSA, but the $500/yr. annual fee turned me off to that to maintain it, though I suppose it does make a good resume bullet.
    As for A&F, their clothes are pathetic that only impress the uber-gay and Auschwitz victims.

    ReplyDelete
  31. MENSA? Yeah, My Effort Needs Serious Appreciation. I know that.
    Feels good to be able to be part of the exclusive club that is ABftS. I just noticed a pattern there, too. ABftS, ABS, it's all so beautiful, and looks great paired with my new stylish swimwear.

    Seriously though, I had to read that first paragraph over a couple of times and Google that stuff to make sure you weren't joking. This is getting ridiculous. Having a brand identity is one thing, discriminating because of it is something entirely different. But hey, at least the more decent brands now have a good way to advertise?

    (Also, did you guys catch the two recent parts of Caves?)

    ReplyDelete
  32. It's like the biggest douche from high school opened a store, just so he could keep being a douche to the same people he used to mock in the hallways.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Listen this dude probably deserves any crap you can come up with to torment him, and I am in no way defending him but this whole mess smells like this years Kony 2012. So yeah, he deserves some shit and I even liked that video about giving AF clothing to the homeless. But consider Rage against the Minivan's take on it.
    http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/05/six-reasons-fitchthehomeless-campaign.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought the same thing about the homeless campaign. It kinda says, "Look, homeless people are garbage, and we're giving them upscale clothing to make the brand look bad! Isn't that hilarious?" Not much better than what Gary Busey's reanimated botox corpse is doing with A&F.

      Plus, any publicity is good publicity, and sad as it is to say, I bet A&F is not going to lose any profits because of this.

      Delete
  34. It's about time you guys have some standards around here.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Haha, I love your logo. I would wear something with that on it. You should put it on items in a CafePress shop.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Peggy Sue is brighter than Abercrombie guy, for sure. Your book hasn't punched me yet, so I guess I'm doing OK. BTW, I once interviewed a guy who told me he was a good candidate because he had "an unusually high IQ" and was a MENSA member. Just lacked social skills.

    ReplyDelete
  37. >>... If you just asked "What's a MENSA score?" then you've already failed, you dumb stupid idiot.

    What's a MENSA score?

    No, I jest, I just jest!

    Actually, back in my BigBitch.com years, I used to refer to myself as a "MENSA-donkey".

    If I have to translate that for you, then you've already failed, you dumb stupid idiots.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  38. It's quite possible that this is a giant marketing scheme. Think about it, why would you do something so stupid? He purposely enraged entire group of people. Wouldn't surprise me if he suddenly was forced into an apology and released a new "plus sized" line of wear.

    The offended people, convinced that they persuaded him into adding this new line of clothing, rush into his stores to purchase it. Brilliant.

    Or maybe he is actually an idiot.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Well, if all this banning of all but the most beautiful and intelligent people from clothing brands keeps up, I'm going to have to invest in a loom. Either that or resign myself to going naked.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I saved ya'all the trouble and just punched myself in the face since every picture of me looks like I should be an extra in "The Hills Have Eyes".

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh, I'm rejected both in real life and on the Internet... Booouuurrrnnsss.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I almost spewed coffee more than once reading this. Great job! No Mensa for me, and I broke all my mirrors long ago. Maybe I can sneak in under the fringes of the big top.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I have nothing to worry about. I know what Mensa is and my 4 yr old says I am a beautiful princess. Whew!! Crisis averted.

    ReplyDelete
  44. This post made me laugh, then it made me sad. I guess I can't read your blog anymore :( I feel like someone who recently posted pictures of herself on her blog in an 80's mullet dress with a mall wall just wouldn't make the cut.
    Well, we had a good run. Nice knowin ya.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I've always used google translate to read your (h)eyebrow comic strip art thingies. Does that mean bye bye Blue? How cruel. Dezzy thinks I look incredibly handsome in my Speedos. That should count for something? Well?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Haha brilliant. Mike Jeffries is my new favourite fuck up - people are doing memes of the dove adverts as batmana and him as the joker xx

    ReplyDelete
  47. I can't even believe people still shop there. The clothes aren't even in fashion. Who the hell still wears Polos? That's so 80s and 90s. I've noticed several Europeans wearing A&F clothing, but they probably think Americans think it's fashionable.

    My MENSA score is in the mail. ;)

    ReplyDelete