Monday, April 29, 2013

Zach Braff Needs Your Cash


Hey guys. So we were planning to launch a Kickstarter some time in the near future to help fund the Indie movie we've been working on, but we've decided that we can't go through with it, not in good conscience. Not while movie stars like Zach Braff desperately need your money.

See, Zach Braff wants to make a follow up to his movie Garden State, and this poor, underappreciated millionaire actor/director launched a Kickstarter campaign a few days ago because he needs YOUR money to make this movie happen.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1869987317/wish-i-was-here-1

He's only asking for a measly 2 million dollars, and while he's already well over the 2 million dollar mark less than a week into it, he still needs more, and we think this hilarious starving artist deserves every penny.



You see guys, it's hard for someone like Zach to put out a film in Hollywood, where he's not at all established a name for himself yet.





Indie. You know, like our movie. Except his will have major actors, a gigantic corporate movie studio, and a multi-million dollar budget.

But the money isn't just for him. No, Zach Braff wants desperately to make a movie with his personal friend Jim Parsons, aka Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. But, you see, friends can't just make movies together for the sake of art and the love of the movie, like we (Brandon, Bryan, Gregg, and even our new friend Jeff from South of France) are doing. No, acting in a movie with your friends requires over seven digits of cold, hard cash.

And let's not forget, folks, Jim Parsons needs your help, too. Because as an extremely unpopular TV actor with no following whatsoever, he desperately needs the chance to work in a film.


And really, guys, Zach Braff said it himself.


Which you, as a peon, will have no direct control over. But by giving him money, you'll FEEL like you're helping to create a movie, just like you FEEL like you're stopping global warming when you donate $10 to that pushy Green Peace hippie outside the mall who just won't leave you the fuck alone.

And frankly, guys, it's a solid investment. With many Indie filmmakers asking for $10,000 to make an Indie film, would you rather help fund 200 Indie movies or help Zach Braff stay relevant?

So, let's make this happen for Zach Braff, alright? Forget the thousands of projects from other unknown, undiscovered, starving artists with hidden talent populating the bowels of Kickstarter. Let's all pitch in and help Zach Braff make "Garden State Part II" the defining film of this generation. Because God knows he can't do it without you.

And after you've given to Zach Braff, please consider giving your hard earned money to other celebrities on Kickstarter, like Thom Yorke, who's going to produce his new album through Kickstarter. Mr. Yorke, once known for selling his album at "name your own price, even if it's zero" has recently realized the error of his ways and set out instead to prove that people will pay for anything as long as a celebrity endorses it.





Cheers and stay classy, folks!
-B&B

Beer: Can't afford it. We gave Zach Braff our last goddamn dime.
Music: Thom Yorke's Digestive Track(t)


*To those who entered last week's contest, the drawing will take place later today and winners will be announced Thursday... with cartoons. Stay tuned!

58 comments:

  1. Well, it started with Veronica Mars, right? *Whispers* I actually like Zach Braff (loved scrubs), but this is starting to get into sketchy territory -- rich people getting richer on kickstarter. Sigh. How can us little people compete?! If Angelina Jolie starts a kickstarter for some kind of girls school in africa, I'm quitting the internet.

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  2. Me and Jessica used to joke that the D in J.D stood for "Douche", and he really seems to be living the character. Although this really is a compelling endorsement for it and I'm going to look at this project, just to look at it.

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  3. Yeah it is so pathetic indeed. Veronica Mars, however pathetic, I can see a bit as the fans wanted it and the studio told them to take a hike. But this is just pathetic. Who the hell asked for Garden State 2? Ummm no one. Their just donating because of the name, idiots and their money soon parted. While the douche bags with money just make more.

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  4. I used to like Zach Braff until I realised he was a self-righteous, smug asshole. This just adds another layer of distaste. Zach Braff, Thom Yorke, and Kal Penn should buy a house together so they can enjoy the smell of each others farts and compliment one another 24 hours a day.

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  5. Next thing you know, Stallone will be on Kickstarter, begging for cash for Expendables III. Because Lord knows, we need a third one.

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  6. wow you got braff drawn right on the money

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  7. Wait... You mean that instead of just paying $12 for Hollywood crap, I could sorta pay towards the production of the film and say I am responsible for the Hollywood crap?

    Woohoo!

    I hope they do the new Star Wars films this way.

    The people demand Jar Jar Binks!

    My money will go to the time spent on Jar Jar's CGI and dialogue - and nothing else!

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  8. Your artistic rendering of Zach Braff is painfully accurate.

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  9. I would gladly donate to fatten a millionaires wallet but then I wouldn't have beer money. And life can't go on without beer money.

    And quite frankly, I'm upset that you would even ask for my beer money to give to some douche who already has plenty of money.

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  10. Zach Braff can suck it. I love how celebrities jump on a cause and start plying people for money, when half of them could donate their salaries from just one stinking movie their in and have enough cash to stave hunger and homelessness in the United States forever.

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  11. What the hell is Garden State and why should there be another one?? And why am I not on kickstarter I could be a professional procrastinator by now!

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    Replies
    1. Garden State actually is a great movie that I highly recommend. Just avoid the rest of his movies.

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  12. That last, blissful panel is what true art is all about.

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  13. I'm going to Kickstarter a fund to help me in my impending unemployment!

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  14. This is a scary new trend for anyone who really does need help getting a project going. It really ticks me off, because it goes against the whole mission of Kickstarter. I'm kind of bummed that Kickstarter doesn't prevent that from happening. I can't understand people that would donate to a celebrity like that. Really? You have nothing better to do with your money? Celebrities don't need anyone's financial help! They already get your money when you go see their movies or buy their music. So dumb.

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  15. I think Zach is only successful because some crazy women want to kiss his big full lips, while some men prefer those same lips on their ding dongs. He crosses party lines you might say.

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  16. I didn't know who Zach was, but now I do and I don't like him. Yeah, the big companies in gaming do this shit and I won't back them. They've got millions in reserve and why should I give them my money to make figures they can already make. I've backed five so far and every one of them has been for sculptors who are opening their own shops from the ground up. Haven't been screwed on one yet.

    Best of luck to you boys when yours comes up. I'll fund ya.

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  17. This whole Kickstarter thing is nerve grating. People recently had their panties soaked over a Veronica Mars thingy too.
    The only time Hollywood folks are getting my money is when I buy the DVD years later in the bargain bin of Movie Town or actually pay for premium cable channels.

    NOW if you fellas need millions raised, I've got a ten spot set aside just for you.

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  18. Well then I see you don't appreciate Thom Yorke, or Mr. Zac...

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  19. That is quite annoying that this guy with all his Twitter followers just had to get people to donate to it, honestly it annoys me a lot. Like you say as well it's not like Parsons with his Sheldon Cooper character isn't one of the biggest stars in America, it's a bit of a joke isn't it really? Even more so than just being annoying.

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  20. The whole situation really angers me. This is simply unfair to people who want to help.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  21. Somehow that just doesn't seem right!

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  22. And need we say more...????

    Umm...too funny and so not right :)

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  23. I'm appalled and angered to learn this. And his doodle on his kickstarter page? My 6 year old nephew could do better blindfolded. JustKeepingItReal must be right. I bet he pesonally thanks his donors, one by one or in groups.

    Your cartoons and writing are perfectly amusing as always.

    xoRobyn

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  24. Why should anyone spend their own money to do anything when they can get someone else to pay for it, right?

    I love Kevin Smith's path, actually: credit cards. That's how he made Clerks, credit card after credit card.

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  25. I think he's lying when he says he had the backing of a major studio and turned them down. Did you see The Last Kiss or The Ex? They were HORRIBLE. All caps.

    He was a one-hit movie wonder.

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    1. Garden state being a hit is strong wording

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    2. Garden state being a hit is strong wording

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  26. I had to click on the link because I couldn't quite believe it.

    Poor Zack Braff, he really should have stuck with Scrubs.

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  27. Poor Zack. But alas, I will hold off for another indie movies, one much likely better written and not so annoyingly deep.

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  28. Garden State huh? Yea so I guess I've been under a rock for sometime now. Looks like I should have waited a bit longer to crawl out.

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  29. Psshhh...Zach Braff. That deadbeat still owes me money from forever ago! He's not gettin' another dime outta me!

    PS: I don't think you guys quite captured the hugeness of his nose this time around...

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  30. As if New Jersey didn't get enough flack. I had of that movie maybe once and am so glad that I didn't what it since Zach Braff is an asshole. He needs a kicked ass not a kickstarter.

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  31. I'm so glad you wrote about this, I just read an article about this, and I felt like I had vomit in my mouth.

    While I do feel like anyone has the right to start a Kickstarter (even millionaires), I feel like the people "investing" in these are very gullible.

    Of course, I don't expect Zach Braff to pay for making a film from his own pocket. But like you said, a studio would offer to invest in this movie in a heartbeat. He says he wants "more control" over his content, but that just means that he wants all the royalties for himself.

    This is just Hollywood stars overindulging themselves in something new, so that they can peacefully masturbate to themselves at night.

    I could be wrong. Maybe no studio would invest part 2 of Natalie Portman overacting like an berk again.

    I had a similar gripe with Amanda Palmer and her whole Kickstarter bullocks. She also raised well over her target, and what did she use the extra money for? To pay off her debts. Yet her fans still flock to her and passionately protect her from all criticism. They're too gullible to realise that she's milking them for money.

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    1. Thanks for the killer comment, Flippy.

      I keep reading a lot of articles that side with him, saying "It's all voluntary. No one's making anyone donate to Zach Braff by force." But I think that's missing the point. They don't realize what kind of power and sway he has over people because of his celebrity status.

      If a professional filmmaker with no name behind him asks people to give him $2 million dollars to make the next great American film, he's a nut job. But if Zach Braff, your 'favorite wacky doctor' from a sitcom that was popular 10 years ago asks for $2 million dollars to make a movie, he's a Kickstarter pioneer. WTF?

      And as for the going well over target thing, this guy could very well reach 4-5 mil when all is said and done. So what's all that extra money going to go toward? Making the movie "better" somehow? Or just lining his pockets with more cash?

      Delete
  32. Those poor, rich, famous people. They must have it so hard. I mean having money and fame would be horrible. Who would ever want that? We all need to rally together to help those rich celebrities to keep them coming up with movies and music!

    .....Or completely ignore them because that's stupid and ridiculous when so many other people are actual starving artists, or just starving.

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  33. The totally hilarious thing is that I responded to the comment you left on my site, with some Zach Braff inspired nonsense, without first having seen your new post. I laughed so hard when I saw the title of todays offering. Great minds and all that.

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  34. I saw that about Zack Braff and thought, who is dumb enough to do that? He must be laughing all the way to the bank. Thom Yorke is a douchebag anyhow. But if you do the fundraising, send me the link. :)(After you post that second review!)

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  35. Should I be proud or embarrassed by the fact that, prior to this blog bit, I had never even heard of Zach Braff, Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper) or Thom Yorke. I think I shall go with... PROUD!

    Incidentally, the cartoon image for Zach could probably be reused as a cartoon image for Mick Jagger (sometime before he died and was embalmed).

    And... BRYAN... you really should stay out of Thom's colon! I've heard that a bloke can get really sick that way.

    Did I win?! Did I win?! Did I win?!

    Damn it! I NEVER win when you Beer Boys draw names for free copies of 'Lost And Found'. I'm beginning to think this gig's rigged.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  36. I like Thom Yorke here, this made me smile. I also can't imagine endorsing Zach Braff. Just because I don't like him enough and can't imagine a genuinely good movie coming out of it.

    Also weird not to see a Kickstarter by 2 cool little bloggers who are trying to make a movie. It kinda seemed like a segue.

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  37. Ok, so I get that Zach Braff is an idiot and apparently a not well known idiot in Hollywood,but who are the morons that sent him money? Are people really that dumb? NO wait, don't answer that, they're probably the same people that stormed the movie theater to go see the freaking Garden state flick, cause he couldn't call it New Jersey, could he? Until this post I didn't really care about Zach whatshisname, but now I can't stand him, I actually loathe him a whole lot, see what you guys make me do? I think it's all Bryan's fault, he likes other people's colons way too much.....:)

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  38. Bryan and Brandon, I have seven figures to fund your film-if you count the zeroes to the right of the decimal. Insert J.D. daydream fantasy sequence HERE. Sigh.

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  39. I've heard so many people talk about Kickstarter, but I've never even bothered to check it out...until now. It's an interesting concept for those who don't have the money to front a project. Good luck with it, if you two decide to go with Kickstart. Make a little video like he did and add some hot guys and a goat to it. :)

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  40. The painful part is that a large percentage of the money is going to the salaries of the actors. I don't care that they're taking scale, because that's still more than I'll make this year. Stupid Kickstarter, it has robbed artists of the true torment of making art which included finding funding in unspeakable ways like giving hand and mouth jobs to Persian oil barrons! (Why is it called a "blow job" when it's really a "mouth job", why isn't Leonard Nimoy narrating that unsolved mystery? I may have lost my train of thought.)

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  41. I'm pretty annoyed with this begging for money via Kickstarter by just about everybody regarding every project they can come up with. I like the idea of Kickstarter - but really. If you can't get funded any other way, maybe your idea sucks? Just saying.

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  42. It is pretty much being abused now, disgusting really.

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  43. Thought you would like this one.

    http://cheezburger.com/7400776704

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    Replies
    1. That's great. I know he made that picture about 2 years ago, but oh how true it is now.

      Delete
  44. OK, first I had no idea who Zach or Thom were/are (no TV remember), But I did read an article about Neil Gaiman's wife that woman who made her living as a 'bride statue' and the rip off she pulled with 'kickstarter' or some similar site and her musical endeavours.

    What is it with these people? There are always some schmucks who have to go in and muck up the pool for everyone else. But, better yet, what is it with the people who donate to THEM? Is that their 15 minutes of fame. Look at me! Look at me! I contributed $10 to make this movie/CD/book (whatever some celebrity is pooping out) HAPPEN. That is just sad!

    One more final BTW. I just finished Lost and Found early this morning (I could not PUT IT DOWN last night - do you know how bad it hurts when you fall asleep and your kindle slams your face). Looks like McCarthy is trying to stack the deck. If I should win, maybe it's not fair and you should just pull my name out of the drawing :(,send it to him. Cause...I would pay $$$ to see HIM immortalized in one of your cartoon.

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  45. I've now called the Red Cross multiple times asking them where I can donate some money to Zach Braff and they are starting to get pretty rude to me about it and have even asked me to stop calling. Charitable organization my ass.

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  46. I thought Zach Braff was funny on Scrubs and he should have stayed there. I get it, really I do. Everyone has the right to be on Kickstarter but I feel like he should have the connections the rest of us don't. Like, oh, I don't know, collateral to take out a loan for a film? I understand him not wanting to be restrained by Hollywood and going independent but reaching out to those that line his pockets already? It just doesn't feel right to me. Maybe I'm missing something here.

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  47. Fricking hilarious artwork:) Great point about indie vs establishment and what that really means:)

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  48. Psh, I'd rather donate my money to the Dick Figures movie Kickstarter (which I did).

    A full-length feature film with stickmen fighting and profane humour? What more could I want?

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  49. It's pathetic and a damn shame. Two days ago I bought myself a lottery ticket and won $5. Well, he sure as hell won't get it.

    P.S. Neko Adam Random found himself a new fact to write about: It seems Bryan and Dezzy go clothes shopping together. Did you know about this, Brandon?

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  50. I honestly thought I had misheard the announcement when it was on the news the other day.
    I cant believe people are such sheep to donate to something like this.
    Just more proof of the craziness our celebrity culture encourages

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  51. I just donated my first (un)born child for Zach Braff to sell on the black market, and thus, continue funding this bull shit.

    P.S. I thought Garden State was incredibly boring. Just me?

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  52. Really a sequel to Garden State?!? I'll throw money at a remake of Rocky 3 through Clubber Lang's point of view that would be a more compelling story than Garden State 2. Mr. should do a kickstarter.

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