Thursday, April 4, 2013

We Are Waging War On the World


          Today our glorious president has stopped regular blog activity to make an important announcement. Without further ado, we give you Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat.


          If you don't speak goat (and you should, you intolerant jerk -- it's 2013) what she said is that after listening to the great words of North Korea's Kim Jong Un, we have decided today that enough is enough. We are waging nuclear war on the Internet, and we are totally serious about it, guys. For too long the Internet has laughed at us, but today it is the glorious nation of A Beer for the Shower that will have the last laugh as we take down every web-comic, social network, and funny cat picture site in existence. And we swear we are totally going to do it, you guys.
          We are already hard at work building nuclear bombs capable of devastating explosions.


          We also have a team dedicated to developing the latest in body armor, which can withstand bullets, grenades, and military-grade wiffle bats. If you don't believe us, watch this highly scientific test in action.





          But it's more than just body armor. Our men are fighters. Natural born killing machines. They are the finest child soldiers that forced labor can offer, and since we can't afford to feed them or clothe them, they fight for nothing more than the glory of battle.


          He is a fearsome warrior, is he not? But we won't even need him. No, because we have a tactical aerospace team that's been developing fighter jets, the likes of which your pathetic nation has never seen...



        ...And thus we have created a stealth bomber that not only is completely silent, but runs on pure alcohol.

Yes, that's right, he has no shoes, which makes him silent and therefore undetectable!
          So sleep with one eye open tonight, people of the Internet, because our benevolent, glorious nation is getting ready to invade you, and we're totally not just saying this. We're REALLY gonna do it. Seriously. You don't even stand a chance. So you'd better just back down now and give up before it's too late... Please?

Cheers and stay dead, infidels,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: The screams of the children
Beer: We will drink after we destroy your families





56 comments:

  1. But...but...are blogs on the attack list?? WE'RE ALLIES!

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  2. Dick Chaney just rung me up and he's go a hit team lined up to deal with your threat. He's taking Peggy Sue the retarded goat, our Glorious President seriously. Rumour has it that he had a very baaaad experience with a goat when he was but a lad.

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  3. I think you need to be careful because I wouldn't be too surprised if the FBI came knocking on your door thinking you actually had nukes. Although the internet might be a better place if you really do it.

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  4. I am still laughing at the "This side up" label. You guys are so good with every detail. I totally think this is serious and I hope Google goes down first.

    xoRobyn

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  5. I love the plane. With that on your side, I believe you'll win.

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  6. You plan on taking down cute cat sites? Count me in.

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  7. You can have Facebook, take that mother down ... but could you at least leave Tumblr? Where else am I supposed to get my homoerotically themed photomanips of the Supernatural cast?

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  8. You will have them all on there knees, it may be from laughter, but still, a win is a win, right?

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  9. You can't kill me...I'm already dead! Just look at my blog if you don't believe me. Absolutely zero activity in the past month!

    The dead don't blog...or do they? Beware! the dawn of the dead approaches!

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  10. As long as you leave the generic porn sites alone, you may carry out on with your threats.

    Also, I have a few interesting military developments. I call one the Spit Wad CANNON. Another one I call the Rubber Band... CANNON. The range on these weapons is like 15 feet! Yep, you heard correctly. Twice the distance of your current weaponry.

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    Replies
    1. We're developing a potato cannon that can launch a spud over FIFTY FEET. Now... if only our troops would stop eating all of our ammo...

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  11. Love the Diet Coke and Mentos bombs..just watched Wreck It Ralph and I have seen first hand the extentsive damage these bombs can cause! This proves you really mean business..I will be equally prepared with pop rocks.

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  12. That sword looks like something else.

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    Replies
    1. It looks like your impending death? Yes, yes it does...

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  13. "Music- the screams of children,
    Beer-We will drink after we destroy your families-"
    Very nice-but Kim jong un and his unicorns still scare me more than you two and your retarded goat ever will, lol.

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  14. While I normally do sleep with one eye open...there will be no sleeping at all now. You can take down Google and Facebook, no problem. Take down Twitter, Linkdin and Pinterest...I am totally on board but OMG ...how can you even speak of taking down funny cat pictures!!!

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  15. I took two years of goat in high school, but I could never get used to the way they handled past participles and gender-specific pronouns. It really is a beautiful language, though. Baaaaaaaahhhh

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  16. >> . . . as we take down every web-comic, social network, and funny cat picture site in existence.

    I am so on-board with this. In fact, I want to join your army! And I have a special skill: I am highly trained in the swinging of a dead chicken. I have killed many funny cats with a dead chicken, and now I want to volunteer my special fighting skill and put it in service to your cause.

    May I swing a dead chicken in support of your war?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    Replies
    1. So even though our nation is totally awesome and capable of winning the war by ourselves because our technology is superior to all those who oppose us, we'll gladly take your help.

      And since you're an expert with deadly weaponry, I don't suppose you know how to build and launch nuclear weapons properly? Because, uh, we totally can do it ourselves, and we build them properly all the time, but we're, like... asking for a friend.

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    2. >> . . . I don't suppose you know how to build and launch nuclear weapons properly? Because, uh, we totally can do it ourselves... but we're, like... asking for a friend.

      Oh, I know that "friend" - I acquire information on his behalf very often.

      Sadly, no, I don't know how to build and launch "nukular" (as Prez "W" used to say) weapons. However, I can throw a dead chicken pretty damn far! Put a lit firecracker in its beak before I toss it and it would probably be close enough to a "nukular" weapon.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  17. I CAN see your stealth bomber. Is that a problem?

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    Replies
    1. The only problem is for you, because it is the last thing you will ever see!

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  18. All I can say after seeing this is that the internet is in big big trouble, everybody hide and get to the online blogging bunkers, the day of reckoning is nigh!

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  19. Yes, begin with Facebook and work your way down from there. I have no cute cat pictures, so I'm safe.

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  20. Replies
    1. If you could have the other 7 billion people of the world surrender as well, that would really speed this whole process along. Thank you in advance for your help (which we totally don't need).

      -The Great Nation of A Beer for the Shower

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    2. I'll get right on that. How are you doing in the sycophantic boot licker department? I'd like to apply. If that's all right.

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    3. You may apply but be warned... there's a lot of boot lickers in our camp. They are extremely undernourished and under the impression that our boots contain life-saving nutrients.

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    4. Oh well. I guess I'll just be a toady then. Or a yes man. You can't have to many yes men. Vive le Beernation

      Delete
  21. "rrawwwrrr I am a fighter jet!" brilliance right there.Be careful you might be recruited by North Korea any second now.

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  22. I never believed the mentos and diet coke legend until I tried it.....madness of the WMD kind!

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  23. Taking down all the good stuff on Internet, huh? What am I to do if that happens? Interact in REAL LIFE? *Iiiik*

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  24. I say go easy on the blogs but have no mercy on Facebook.

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  25. Facebook will not be missed, except maybe for Bejewelled...I'm still addicted--but maybe that would cause me to stop, cold turkey! Or dead chicken waving....

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  26. You need to get Strongbad on board with this.

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  27. Music: The screams of the children
    Beer: We will drink after we destroy your families

    ^^^Hilarious!!

    I support your cause! Anything to get rid of all the cat pictures on the internet. One request - I don't want to change diapers.

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  28. Oh man what I wouldn't do for a nice cool refreshing glass of a dying grandma's tears right now.

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  29. Woah guys, stop imitating CNN so well. I almost believed you there for a second!

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  30. Man, that stealth-bomber isn't quiet - I can see the speech bubble!

    Back to the factory with that model, I reckon.

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  31. You can do everything BUT remove the funny cat pictures. You don't want to piss off Kitty.

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  32. Hey, I gave you a carnivorous plant. I think we should be allies. Please? I don't stand a chance!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, and I'm slowly training that plant to murder people. It's only 2 inches tall and extremely frail, but with a bit of radiation treatment... annnnd it's dead.

      Delete
  33. Because he's tenderizing it for easier and better consumption. Good going kid. Due to your insolence you're not going to get a piece.

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  34. Having just watched Goldeneye for the first time in ages, I heard the little geeky guy's voice when you shouted "I am invincible!" If anything goes down now, I'm totally going to believe it was because of you guys.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  35. I'm not sure how stealthy he'll be barefoot if he's bleeding from his feet and squelching on the floors...that being my only exception...please proceed! I'd love a break (permanently) from social media. They've sucked me in and I can't escape! Just leave my blog and magazine untouched or I'll have to wage a counter attack and you do NOT want to see how dirty an Indie Chick can fight when she has to!

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  36. The world doesn't stand a chance, just look at that sword, that is scary enough.

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  37. Oh please, merciful Beer Guys, spare me and my little blog! I can spread your message to all 5 of the people who read it! Really!

    Oh, and I make super awesome brownies, so I can provide dessert at the victory party. :)

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  38. Love that Rocky moment. And yeah... do it! Do it! I will be free! Free like a little blue bird.

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  39. Actually sounds like a good plan to me.
    Can I help paint the stealth bombers in pretty colours?

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    Replies
    1. We'd be honored to give you the contract. The only stipulation is that you use copious amounts of magenta: the color of unwavering might.

      Delete
  40. Hmmm, I am shocked that it is Sunday, and the Internet still stands. But you're probably just building fear and suspense, huh?

    Anyhoo, if you could hurry up and do this during April and the A to Z challenge, it would save me a heck of a lot of time. Thanks!

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  41. Blogs are immune right? Like heat seeking missles except it avoids blogs?

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  42. Glorious leader, Kim resent American dog. You find funny, we find cereal. We hungry. Give food and we promise spare fools in USA. By the way, we know you send Gangham Style to disrupt peaceful Korea.

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  43. Isn't that PRESIDENT Peggy Sue?

    Why don't you give her the respect she deserves?

    Come to think of it, did you even bother throwing her an inauguration when she won President of the Blog? This is because she's a woman - or a goat. Bigots.

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