Monday, April 15, 2013

Sexual Her-ASS-Ment 101


Once upon a time ago, back when I still worked in the white collar business world, I found that making friends was easy and drama free. In fact, I have a few old coworkers that I still stay in regular contact with. It wasn't until my wife started working in the white collar office environment that I saw how differently things can be for the ladies. It seems like people treat them a lot differently.

For starters, it can be hard to make friends. Girls can be so catty, and no matter how much my wife tells everyone she's happily married, girls will still make up rumors that she's sleeping with any guy she has to work more than 5 minutes with.




No joke, there's actually a rumor that my wife is cheating on me with a guy who's so openly gay he does in fact talk about "swooning".

But it's not just girls. The guys, well, the only guys that are friendly are overly friendly. Because they want to get into her pants. "Hi" isn't just hi. "Hi" is...


It's also...


That's not to say that all the guys in the office are like this. Just the ones who really go out of their way to talk to her. The worst of all, though... is dopey little Davy.

No, seriously, he looks exactly like this

Davy's a small Asian guy who gives everyone a weird vibe. And when it came to my wife, he started off small, with just some harmless flirting. And by harmless I mean extremely pathetic. He liked to "tease" Meli by moving the stuff on her desk and turning her pictures upside down, then giggling like a little girl when she moved them all back. Which, by the way, as a tip for all the single fellas, this is a great way to snag a woman. They absolutely love this. I'm simply amazed I didn't lose my wife to these daunting acts of romance.





Unfortunately, Davy only got worse, and the other day he finally crossed the line. He got her phone number (for emergencies only) off of the company directory and started texting her. He also decided to tap her on the shoulder in the middle of a very busy work project and ask this little gem.


My wife was offended, yes, but she wasn't sure what LEVEL of offended she was. Frankly, neither was I, because we had no idea what the hell he was asking. Was this a riddle? A joke? Some kind of kinky bruising S&M thing? She texted me immediately, and to understand what level of pissed off I should be, I took to Lord Google for a translation. The answer: apparently Asian babies can sometimes be born with blue birth marks on their butts called "Mongolian Spots" that typically go away as they grow older.

So not only was it sexual harassment, there was also a dash of racism thrown in for good measure. Which admittedly made me laugh, even though I was pretty pissed off.


And Davy, well, he almost got away with it because English isn't his first language. Which, let's face it, is a bullshit excuse. I don't care what you say, asking a woman you don't know what her ass looks like is offensive in any language and any culture. This is a professional company, after all, not a bawdy sitcom.



...but thankfully her boss's boss saw right through that shit and tore him a new (blue?) asshole. Apparently the douche is even married, and his wife is a good friend of the boss's boss. Meanwhile he's been telling everyone he's single. Needless to say, Meli was assured that the next time Davy so much as speaks to her, he's fired.

So for now, it seems, the drama is over. Which I guess means it's back to business as usual...




Any other white collared ladies here (or boyfriend/husband of a white collar lady)? Any of this nonsense happen to you?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Brightly
Beer: Left Hand Milk Stout Nitro

68 comments:

  1. Sheeeeeeeesh. He's lucky she didn't turn around and throat punch him. It reminds me of my uncomfortable adventures with creepy old guy. He's not that direct, though...

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  2. I haven't seen too much of it where I work, not towards the women anyway. My boss is an out gay man and he told me a story once about one of the guys who worked there. The guy had quite a crush on him and one day they were in the stock room together. My boss was busy and he was turned away when and when he turned back around the guy was stood there wearing nothing but a thong.

    No, seriously.

    Or at least my boss assures me that it's a true story. Work place harrassment sucks and I'm glad that the boss got involved and did what needed to be done. I'm also glad you found out what he meant by a blue ass because I had no idea. It would have actually have been better for him to just ask if she was Asian. It would have been a lot less creepy for a start.

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  3. I would've killed him. Of course, I think my wife would've done that first. She doesn't get too much drama where she works, but the women at my workplace really go nuts sometimes. I just put my headphones on and ignore the world.

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  4. Where do I start? The last company I worked at had limited I.T. staff so I was literally told if you promise the guys a here they will pick your project to work on, and otherwise it can take a long time to get your clients issues fixed. This is a nightmare bc then they think "buy you a beer" means sex. Even if youre engaged and have plainly said "I'm not interested in you in that way." Maddening.

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    1. *beer not here. My phone also harasses me.

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  5. Yep, I work in an office where this shit happens. I'm kind of the office outcast in that I spend more time creeping on the internet than I do socially interacting with those around me.

    But, I've experienced more sexual harrassment at my kitchen jobs than I've experienced anywhere else. There was a scary old waitress that would always grabbed the cooks' asses. It was frightening. But everyone knows that men can't be the target of sexual harrassment, so everything was cool.

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    1. Yes, just like men can't be raped or on the receiving end of domestic violence. I'm glad SOMEONE around here gets it.

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  6. OK, first of all, hilarious! Sorry for Meli, but I am laughing so hard. That is just too funny. What a total creeper!

    I worked for an attorney who was a get this- "A Sexual Harrassment" specialist. He even boasted about it in all his advertising. The best part was, he was the biggest sleaze of them all. He used to stand at the bottom of the steps (which were all open to the floors below) and ask the girls (but only the ones that were wearing skirts or dresses) to run up and get him something from his third floor office. When we all started wearing slacks, he tried to change our dress code. He was one of the biggest pervs I ever met- No one would ever get caught working late with him alone. And whoever managed to get a promotion in that office, was always the target of vicious rumors. Because you "must" have been sleeping with him if you got ahead... FYI, (1) his wife and daughter worked in the office with us and neither of them did a thing to curb his "enthusiasm" (2) he was older than dirt and (3) had more chins than Jabba the Hut. He inspired me to leave the field of law behind, once and for all.

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    1. Well, he wasn't exactly lying about being a "Sexual Harassment Specialist." Please tell me that's what it read on his business card.

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  7. Women can be so catty! My last job was the worst but the job I had before that all the women were best friends. We got along and hung out after work. We had each other's backs. It was awesome.

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  8. I have to deal with this shit even in the blue collar workplace! The fucking drama!

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    1. Small Asian men like to ask you about the color of your ass?

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    2. Yep, it's sickening! Perhaps you may recall this post... http://www.shamefulpromotions.com/2012/02/im-watching-you-watching-me.html

      The people I have to work with...some real winners they are!

      Delete
  9. Women are some of the worst to work with though, so much backstabbing it isn't funny. Guys usuall tell you like it is and be one their way, women, not so much. And yeah he deserved to have his hand stuck in a blender haha

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  10. Workplaces are snakepits, no doubt about it.

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  11. This made me laugh so hard, although I'm sorry you and your wife had to go through it! But seriously, blue ass cheeks? What a question. I can't say I've encountered anything like this at work yet but I'm sure my time will come.

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  12. Davy is soon creepy! Seriously, that's one of the scariest drawings I've seen you do! Your poor wife.

    I work on an office of almost entirely women and they are awful!! You are right, they are completely catty. I have learned to trust only a very select few. The few men in the office are married and good guys, but that does not stop the gossip if you talk to one of them. I love to goof around and be silly, but I had to stop that with one of the guys because of the rumors. I could say the exact same thing in the exact same way to a female coworker and it is fine, but with the guy, it means we're having an affair. So frustrating!

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    1. Your office sounds a little bit like the Middle East. Except, in the Middle East when you converse with a man who's not your husband you get beaten to death with stones.

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  13. BEER BOY BRYAN (3-B) ~
    It's not the not moving photographs and boxes of pens around that is going to lose you your wife. It's the briefs! More men have lost their women because they refused to switch from briefs to boxers than for any other reason.

    Briefs make every man look like a "Baby Huey"! You GOTTA switch to boxers, Bro, before it's too late. I'm tellin' ya...

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. The real Bryan wouldn't be caught dead in a sweaty wifebeater and whitey-tighties. My cartoon persona, however, refuses to ditch those sperm-killing man panties. But maybe that's a good thing. I don't think we'd want him to breed, anyway.

      Delete
  14. Uhm, I have never at any job experienced the cattiness of women. Creepers? Sure, there is one abnormally attractive girl that sits near me that has a semi-perpetual line of dudes stopping by to talk. I've heard a few have been spoken to about it by their managers. Even though the cube area by me has transformed into a hen house they mostly gripe about how dumb our clients are, not about people on staff.

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  15. I would actually rather work with a bunch of men than a bunch of women any day because with women it's a total soap opera. Sure ya have to deal with sexual harassment every now and then, but nuthin' a little kick in the nuts won't cure. And dude, please do somethin' about those sweaty pits and get yourself some boxers.

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    1. I tried to get cartoon Bryan to wear some Axe deodorant but he said he'd rather be a sweaty baboon than a musk-ridden douche. I can't argue with that logic.

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    2. Amen! I work in a factory full of women. The drama I tell ya! It's unreal! And the few guys I work with might as well be women...or alien.

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  16. Next time when I'm feeling down and hating my work I'm just going to look at this post and remind myself that things could be much much worse at work haha. Sexual harassment gets so overused now it's hard when real cases actually happen which is unfortunate.

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  17. I have an IBM engineer stalking me...yes I am putting out there IBM. I only talked to him once at a sales conference (snore) and now he has my phone number and calls me during the weekend cos he has to show me some "files"...creepy.

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    1. HAH! That may or may not be where my wife works. Though I can't say for legal reasons. His name's not Davy, is it?

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  18. OMG, I worked with those people. They had different names and faces, but everything else is the same.

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  19. I can't see why don't like Davy. It's not everyday you meet an asian leprechaun vampire with memory loss.

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  20. My wife is so clueless she usually doesn't understand that she's being flirted with and they just go away. She's also kind of a hardass, which scares men away.
    Your wife has good taste in hot sauce.

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  21. I've been in a women dominated field of bleeding hearts like me (social services), so most of the men are gay. The ones who aren't have been uber-careful, because they've been well trained. But when they've crossed the line and rumors spread, it was true. The women were receptive because, heck, they were chosen. We don't tend to have Davys. He's a disgusting creep. I hope they do fire him the next time he crosses the line.

    xoRobyn

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  22. Davy looks a lot like Mick Jagger to me.

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    1. Unfortunately he does not have the moves like Jagger.

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  23. The ladies in my office are all wonderful, I like them all, and almost all the males too except countable few .
    That laughing cartoon of yours - that is my husband. He does that exactly, he works in same office as me and even when someone flirts with me in right in front of him, he is totally clueless. One was pretty creepy though, thank god they fired him not for sexual harrassment issue, I think, maybe.

    "he almost got away with it because English isn't his first language. Which, let's face it, is a bullshit excuse"
    => This is like asking me to get out of America. I survive on "I dont the mother tongue the english, I dont the speak the english excuse".
    Some of the mails I have sent
    1."He is shooting blanks (all I wanted to say was he isnt giving exact analysis)"
    2."She is our official pensive in office(I tried to compliment her memory skills by comparing her brain to penseive-Dumbledore's pensieve)
    3."So you are down with brown ( tried to converse with him about his interracial marriage to a Indian woman)
    - If my American colleagues werent nice or if this country isnt tolerant of people like me, or they had access to Urban Dictionary - hmmm, I should have been the one to get fired.

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    1. I love that phrase! I am totally down with brown.

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  24. Davey seems so dreamy! If things don't work out between him and your wife, please give him my address. He can move my pictures anytime ;)

    No seriously, that's fucked up. I'm surprised he even still HAS A JOB. I probably would have said "its him or me" cause why should she even have to LOOK at him, let alone work in the vicinity.

    And it is so fucked up trying to make friends as a woman. I have great friends from my old job, and they're ALL. MEN.

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  25. Years ago, when I was single and in my 30's, and one of 2 female insurance agents on a team of 20 (that's 18 males, 2 females, in case math isn't your strong suit), whenever I was top sales person on the week, they guys would ask how many of those sales occurred because I slept with the customer. They never questioned the guys in that manner. This was pre-awareness of sexual harassment legislation.

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  26. Those faces. All those faces. You've done it now, you cracked me up. Good job.
    I can just see him there, whispering that question into her ear. Heavy breathing and sweating and all, but still confident in his ridiculous steps.

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  27. So asking a woman if her ass cheeks are blue is not a good way to pick up on her. Noted. Thanks for this invaluable information.

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  28. I'm not anymore, but yes, I was, and yes, those issues existed. It's isolating to have males you're working with treating you inappropriately, then women on the other side angry that you're getting attention, so they're catty and nasty about it, and assume the worst of YOU, not the guys causing the issues. And it's doubly isolating to try to do anything about it, because you still have to work with the person either way.

    I will say, though, that I've also worked with plenty of guys who were appropriate and that were great to work with, and I've worked with women I enjoyed working with, as well. It seems like certain jobs were worse than others, and maybe that's because one person doing it and getting away with it makes it seem okay to others? The sheeple effect? Hey, look, Herb's blatantly talking about her body, and she didn't smack him. I can do it, too!

    On the blue ass, I've heard some weird pickup lines, but that one may take the cake. WTH??

    Good luck to your wife. I hope this resolves at least the freaky dude.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  29. Sexual harassment can be scary. Been there and done that. Try being a lady bartender in a ski town where the male to female ratio is about 10:1. It still beats working in an office with a bunch of other women. But Holy Carp! some of the comments are scarier than the story.

    Tell Meli good luck and try some stilettos on Davy's foot if he gets too close.

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  30. Holy Hell, I am so impressed with Meli's restraint. I bet she wanted to jab a bic pen in his eye, right then and there.

    I'm such a flirt, I'm sure I've been gossipped about plenty. Oh well, fuck them bored, jealous bitches.

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  31. First of all, I'd just like to say that the comedy in today's post was greatly amplified by Davy's face drawing. I hope he really does look like that, it's possible. The point is, "Who else but Davy?" was enough to make my cheeks hurt 5 minutes after I stopped laughing, and you should really do more with this Davy person. Also, there's a guy I know called Davy and he's Latino that looks Asian, which makes it even funnier for me. I feel so happy right now, and all this at other people's expense! Sorry guys. It's great though.

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  32. Oh WOW! I've had a lot of sketchy interactions with guys in my life but nothing that I couldn't handle. Then again none of them were in the workplace. The perk of working in daycare/kids is that it's all women and gay guys which doesn't mean there isn't drama...but rarely is there sexual harassment. I don't know how your wife didn't go full blown Mexican on his ass and actually haul off on him.

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  33. Well, I thought *I* had some interesting stories to share, but hell, no one has ever asked about the color of my butt. The pickup lines haven't been that original.

    Sad to say, this kind of shit is typical - women are catty, and I've also had a rumor spread that I was sleeping with someone who very obviously didn't shop on my side of the street!

    Although, I should note that I haven't had to worry about it in my current job because I only work with two other people, both men, both of whom my husband is convinced are terrified of me.

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  34. I love that you made sexual harassment, especially the type that hit so close to home, funny. Having worked in many different white and blue collar jobs, this is a phenomena specific to white collar jobs with over 50 people in one office where people hate their job. The hatred of ones job leads to a focus on blowing up the mundane as something interesting. People who work phones all day are so desperate for something interesting to happen, they'll make up imaginary drama for any sort of hope that they will be involved in something interesting. In jobs that either make people tired from physical work or jobs in which people actually care about the cause they work for (i.e. non-profits), this happens much more infrequently.

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  35. I wish I would get sexually harassed more at work.

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  36. Happen? At my work? In a middle school? Are u kidding? The adults are worse than the kids, much worse. And you're right, women can be so bad, I got turned in to my old boss for having a 'fashion club'. Needless to say the ugly chick who turned me in has no fashion sense whatsoever....Btw, you wife totally showed some super human restraint, I would have popped the bastard and I bet he would have turned blue himself, creepo! Way to make sexual harassment funny guys, u still rock :)

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  37. I'm glad I'm not a woman. Partially, because I'd be an enormous slut, and would probably be dying of Nigerian Fatality-Aids. And partially because it's a no win situation in the work place, other women are catty and men are either patronizing or sexy-time-guy. And partially because I would really miss my penis. And partially because the rumors are true, I have a blue ass.

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  38. Every office has a Davey, unfortunately. They're like staplers or something, they come as standard.

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  39. I have a feeling that Davy will become a recurring character on your blog. He's just too gross to waste on a single post.

    You can't put women together in a group without there being juvenile behavior. Men will stick together for a common cause, but women won't. Any opportunity to slit each others throats and they'll do it.

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  40. Give me a bunch of guys to work with any day, women are always looking for gossip or a way to back stab one another. Davy will be a recurring theme I bet.

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  41. I'm glad I'm not in that kind of environment anymore. The men were just as bad as the women when it came to gossip.

    I think all women deal with some sort of harassment at one time or another. There's also always a Davey and a whole list of others I named when I worked in Corporate America.

    Lounge Lizard
    Nose Picker
    Double Shit Burger Breath

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  42. Dude... That drawing of Davy is creepy, yet perfect... Well done.

    I've never been flirted with by the opposite sex, but once when I was meeting with a (male) prospective client, was told "I'll just need you on hand for help-desk support, and there may be some flirting involved."

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  43. I don't have any witty or smart comment, I'll just say I love visiting this blog. Hilarious :)!

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  44. Oy Vey. Creepers gotta creep, I guess.

    Glad she had someone take her seriously when she complained about this, though. Hopefully things will get better for her.

    PS: There is some serious chemistry between your wife and that Jimmy guy. You should watch out for him!

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  45. UGH. Hope Meli can laugh at it all, even though it's creepy as fuck!

    This shit stopped happening to me when I stopped indicating interest in people' lives. Sad, huh? One guy was confiding in me about his marital problems over the company IM(I was 22, I didn't knowwww it was a red flag) and he'd slip in references to bedroom troubles. Just did it more and more until one day he IMed at 7:30 in the morning that his wife finally left a wet spot on the bed so he knew she'd gotten off, and I just snapped.

    Another guy was hopelessly awkward and I thought he could be a nice guy for some girl someday, so I was a dumbass and took him "under my wing." It wasn't until he started emailing me at home (not sure how he'd gotten the address), texting me (not sure how he got my number), and left books, chocolates, and a jar of lemon jelly beans (not sure how he knew those were my favorites) on my desk on VALENTINE'S DAY, that I realized shit had gone seriously awry.

    And now I just don't make friends in the office anymore.

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  46. In my experience, HR never does anything about that stuff. In fact, one place I worked had a guy who 10 woman changed with sexual assault when he inappropriately touched them at the workplace. Know what happened to the guy? He was just promoted to Director. Not one of the woman is still employed there, most let go for 'other' reasons.

    It's much too weird to hangout with co-workers, something always screws it up, most when you go drinking and sleep with the boss...

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  47. Hey guys! I posted a commercial today that I thought you would really appreciate.

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  48. I have rumors that I'm dating the guy who gives me a ride home. A couple people think my mom is dating him. Somebody even said that the guy was going to set me up with some other guy. There are more, I'm sure, but its just annoying. None of it is true and its like working with a bunch of 12 year old girls.

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  49. Now I'm going to have nightmares about Davy, thanks for that!
    In the restaurant business I have to deal with my share of creepers. I once had a guy at the bar who would always come in and stare at me. He would act sort of normal but would stare and stare, it made me so uncomfortable. He knew my boyfriend (smallish town) and would see us often when we'd be out to coffee. Then one day after a couple drinks he told the bartender he thought I had a "sexy librarian" look. EWW. Fortunately he decided to skip out on a tab one day and never came back in to pay it. Good riddance!

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  50. I've never had the displeasure of working with women like this, but I'm certain there is a way to get them back. There has to be a way to turn them against each other...

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  51. Have certainly worked with women like that.
    But these days I am too old to be accused of sleeping with anybody.

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  52. Haha!! I can't stand the office rumour mill, back in my old job if two people so much as left at the same time they were screwing. Even if they were both married men x

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  53. I think Davey might be my ex-husband. That could be the fever talking though. And the fact that he disgusts me.

    Boop.

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