Thursday, March 14, 2013

You Are Not a Robot

Hey all. Bryan here. Those who read my post a couple weeks back called My Doctor Is Kinda Useless asked to keep updated on how I'm doing. Well, instead of doing a post called My Doctor Is Still Kinda Useless, I figured I'd post this update.


I went to the doctor again. This time they ran some tests and turned me into a human pin cushion by way of bloodwork, in which I found out that I don't have high cholesterol, mono, or thyroid issues. I also don't have the HIV, the herp, the hep, bubonic plague, ovarian cancer, or feline leukemia.

The doctor said she wasn't 100% sure what the problem was, but until some of the issues started to subside, she could prescribe me some anti-depressants to help treat the symptoms. It didn't mean I had depression (which I don't - my mood is great) but it could help me feel better quicker.

I gave a hearty "fuck you" to that, because frankly, I don't want to turn into a robot. I know anti-depressants work for some people, but I'm not taking something like that without even knowing what's wrong. Regardless, today's post isn't a miserable tale about the woes of anti-depressants. No, today I wondered... what would life be like if I was a robot?

I don't think it'd be that enjoyable. For one thing, it's hard to be discreet when you're a robot.




Also, without any emotions, it's easy to become kind of a dick.







I can't imagine I'd be very funny, either. Just imagine Brandon and I trying to bounce some jokes off of each other for an upcoming post.




So basically, even though it'd probably be a lot of fun to incinerate mankind with eye lasers and enslave the human race, I don't think I'd like to be a robot. To be honest, I'd probably make a pretty shitty one. How would you fare as a robot?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Grizzly Bear
Beer: Flashback (Fitting, since today is Brandon's birthday. Let's all hope he spends tomorrow piecing together disjointed moments of debauchery.)





55 comments:

  1. On the plus side, when she says she has a headache, it wouldn't register to you.

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  2. There's a sequel to the show "Small Wonder" in there somewhere. Also, I'm sure the robo "attachment" accessories for the downstairs would help the marriage.

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    1. Holy fuck, "Small Wonder"! It was such a terrible show, but so popular in Asia for some reason.

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  3. Ha! I just got my bloodwork back from my semi-useless doc. It was mostly fine, but my liver something was kind of elevated, so it said "see note." In the bottom where there was room for a note, the doc wrote "Hi Gia -" and nothing else.

    TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY LIVER YOU DOCTOR WHORE (as long as its not related to drinking, in which case...nevermind)

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  4. Wait a minute so a robot doesn't understand human emotions. And that's different from a man how?

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  5. Please Robo-Bryan don't burn holes through all the boobs in the world.

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  6. I am a robot, but I have built-in feeling algorithms, so I can respond eloquently enough.

    Also, who the fuck prescribes anti-depressants to someone who is not depressed? I bet you anything, the next thing they'll recommend is that you get an MRI done.

    So much effort, when I told you weeks ago that it's just a complicated pregnancy. They should check your tummy for babies.

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  7. I love medicine.

    "We don't know what the fuck is wrong with you - here have a pill, with a laundry list of side effects worse than what you currently have. That did I mention I don't know what the fuck it is?

    Hang in there honey. Maybe you just have a chronic case of ennui.

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  8. I think I'd enjoy being a robot. I can already be quite a cold and soulless dick so it would be nice to have an excuse to do it. I can see the problems but to me some of them are pluses and reasons to do it. I think you need a better doctor if you can find one. If not you can always go to Mexcio, they'd probably do a better job.

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  9. Hey Robo-Bryan, maybe all you need is a good oil change, if you know what I mean. Hey Brandon, have a happy birthday and don't go too crazy, old man.

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  10. OH I so love that powering down technique. Just think how that could work for women.

    I hope you feel better soon. Glad you didn't take the Anti-D's. I do hope you take vitamins and that sort of carp instead.

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  11. I forgot - Feliz Cumpleanos, Brandon!

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  12. Dang, Anne stole my joke. Great minds think alike hey?

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  13. Robo-Bryan had better watch out for any sharpened toothbrushes flung at his metal head...

    (With the amount of work I do and the lack of sleep I get, I sometimes think that I already AM a robot, one bent on teaching English and Spanish in broken French, ha!)

    And, of course, Joyeux Anniversaire to Zombie Brandon. :)

    -Barb

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  14. looks like a recharge might get interrupted

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  15. Aw, Bryan I'm real sorry to hear you are not feeling any better! I have a whole cabinet full of drugs I was prescribed but don't ever take-I could probably pay off my house if I ever decided to sell them, lol (At least then they would help me somehow.)

    I'm sending lost of well wishes your way! And a big Happy Birthday to Brandon!!

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  16. Wait a minute, so you are NOT a robot? Damn, just goes to show you your mental image of someone on the internet can be so far off.
    Seriously, hope you figure out what's going on w/your fleshy bag of meat body.

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  17. What the hell?? I went to the doc awhile ago with a complaint about not sleeping well. I didn't think I needed to explain the concept of insomnia but the first words were "you probably need to take an antidepressant." When I said "no thank you" she acted insulted. SERIOUSLY insulted that I wasn't taking her up on her offer of happy pills. I, too, am not depressed. I'm tired and I am cynical but not depressed.

    I do hope you start feeling better.

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  18. I'd rather be a robot right now. I've been on autopilot all day so far, all that's missing is the intellegence and durability of a robot.

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  19. Wish i had the durability of a robot, or at least the ease to be fixed. The cat would hate being a robot as he could pass gas and there would be nothing to bury, so unfulfilling. And yeah all they do is give you these shit pills and people actually take them and believe their crap, pfft right. Trying something new now to fix me, very eww if it is true, we shall see.

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  20. so what operation system do you run? Is it open source or windows or linux? Better remember to do backups or you might loose weeks or months!

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  21. I don't know. If Robo-Bryan would be pretty hilarious to watch if he ran on Windows Vista. The constant crashing and failure to function properly would be amusing in my eyes.

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  22. Honestly though, the low battery sleep mode thingy could come in handy.
    If I could instantaneously power down, I could weed myself out of so many awkward situations.

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  23. I already am a robot. My emotions elude me and I work to make millionaires even richer. I go to work every day not because I need the money but because I am programmed to do so.

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  24. Ugh. I HATE it when robots do that battery shut down thing. Soooo rude! I mean seriously, can't their programmers equipt them with SOME manners? Sheesh!

    I hope you get better, Bryan. And you should probably get a different doctor too, because that one...well let's just say she might be involved with a secret plot to take over the world by giving antidepressants to ALL of her patients and using them as her own private robot army....er...you didn't hear that from me though...

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  25. Dude, what is it with everyone I know with any derivation of "Brian" coming down with some kind of mystery illness? Maybe whatever is wrong is actually linked to your name?

    Happy birthday to Brandon!

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  26. Sorry you still don't know what's wrong - how frustrating - but good on you for flipping the birdie regarding anti-depressants. What the hell? Meanwhile tons of folks who are clinically depressed are unable to get scripts for meds.

    I've wanted to be a robot only when it comes to word verification to prove I'm no robot. I'd do a lot better deciphering those indecipherable numbers and letters.

    xoRobyn

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  27. While I understand your frustrations man I'm glad to hear that they've actually put something that resembles effort into trying to find out what's wrong with you instead of being useless like before. Get well soon mate.

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  28. Damn, I think I need a "robot mode" for work. That would be awesome! Though I have a pretty good blank stare perfected.

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  29. This still frustrates me. Hurr, I don't go in for however many years and expect them to figure my stuff out in 15 minutes. Most of medicine is eliminating what it isn't. Several diagnosis's are well it's not any of these so the only thing left is this.

    Anti-depressants may be a bit of a catch all, but you don't specifically know that you're depressed (same way you can't know you're crazy). The subjective experience of your life is tempered by an imperfect feedback system (IE your body and nervous system filtered by your brain). For the general malaise you're experiencing I would start with diet and exercise modification. Ie, start exercising and try eating something other than 15 servings a day of meat. Alcohol is a depressant, really wish you wouldn't discount the startling reality of how much stress and depression plays a role in your health.

    You're while you wax sardonic about being broke, it's really a stressful thing and debt can have negative effects on your health. Literally read an article about this just this morning.

    http://lifehacker.com/5989830/money-might-be-ruining-your-mood-heres-how-to-stop-it

    Some other things to consider, look at the quantity and quality of your sleep, really look at your diet for instance try a calorie counter and a fitness tracker to find out you're sitting too much and eating poorly, try some meditation, try learning something new, and finally recognize you may just be feeling the effects of aging out of your 20's. The invincibility fades really fast.

    I stand by my first advice talk to an osteopath, someone that will look at your whole life and be honest when you talk to health care people. It helps immensely if they don't have to filter through mis-truths or half-truths when trying to help you.

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    1. Actually I was annoyed with the doctor the first time because she didn't try to diagnose me at all, but this time I was pleased that she ran all of those tests and just annoyed that she wanted to feed me an anti-depressant. Also, if 15 minutes isn't enough to do what they need to do, then the doctor should expand the time they spend with their patients. That's in no way my fault.

      I generally don't talk about this because I don't like to sound like I'm bragging, and I don't want to be seen as some jocky douche, but I do exercise. A lot. I'm a Muay Thai kickboxer and a jiu jitsu grappler, having done Muay Thai for over 5 years now (I've trained in Thailand 3 times), and having trained jiu jitsu for about 3 years at one of the best schools in Colorado. I'm a featherweight fighter that competes for fun but I still take what I do seriously, which means that I weigh roughly about 150 lbs on any given day (for being 5'10) and I have about 8-10% body fat. I box and grapple for hours at a time, I run, I cycle, and sometimes I lift, so while I'm leaving my 20s, I'm in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life and not just being weighed down by age, or inactivity, or poor diet. My diet, I should mention, consists of lean protein, healthy carbs, and healthy fats (avocados, olive oil, coconut oil, etc) and I eat cleaner than most anyone I know. Also, as much as I joke about it on the blog, and even though I brew it on occasion, I've only had 2 beers this month so far and I don't drink any other form of alcohol. I've counted my calories every day for years, and I use my fitness tracker program religiously.

      Also, while I don't make a lot of money, I'm incredibly money savvy and I don't believe in debt. I pay for everything I own with cash-in-hand, even my cars, and I haven't had any form of debt in years. I refuse to buy something if I can't pay for it now.

      Sorry if this comes across to anyone who reads this as douchey, but I'm not some whiny baby who's just feeling crappy because he treats his body like shit and life is catching up with him. Yes, for the sake of comedy my cartoon persona is a chunky, lazy slob who drinks a lot, but the real Bryan is anything but.

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    2. That awesome, Bryan. I do the same thing with money despite not having any. When I try to tell people my money philosophy about NEVER borrowing money for any reason and how I actually pull it off, I always get the same response.

      "That sounds great, in theory, but no one can actually live that way."

      I've proven them wrong for almost 15 years now.

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  30. Watch out for those antidepressants, you don't need a floppy disk!

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  31. Sure, not being able to feel any kind of emotion whatsoever would be a bit of a drag, but I bet your math skills would be pretty good.

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  32. OMG, that's it. You need a freakin' nap!!!!!!lol What the hell, I was tired just reading that comment. And now I feel like a french fry eatin' slob who ditches my Zumba classes because it conflicts with The Vampire Diaries.

    Hope you get it figured out though for real. And hell yes on not living chemically enhanced.

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  33. 1) Happy Birthday, Brandon!
    2) Anti-depressants can be used to treat any number of non-depression related ailments. I know I was prescribed them along with a antihistamine, to treat recurrent hives.
    3) I totally want that Low Battery/Shutdown function my own self, for when the gf wants to talk about work.

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  34. Bryan, your first impression of anti-depressants as robo-pills is almost entirely spot-on... except for the part where they turn you into an (almost) emotionless suicidal rage- monster. Yeah. Um. That black box warning on most SSRI/ SNRI prescriptions? The one about "suicidal ideation or actions?" Yeah, that's for real. So, after a decade plus of Effexor, I am now dealing with my anxiety/ depression/ OCD pill- free. The last four panels are also an apt portrayal of my relations with my ex-wife. Yikes. So, my advice? Avoid the catch-all anti-d prescription that the docs like to hand out these days, and keep looking for a real diagnostician who can figure your shit out. Otherwise they're treating the symptoms, not the illness. Good luck, man.

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  35. Lyme's disease. I'm telling you.

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  36. Um. WTF? I take anti-depressants because if I don't, I am so fucking depressed that I don't want to get out of bed in the winter. EG because I HAVE TO. Why the hell would they prescribe them not knowing what the issue is? I mean, I know they have other uses, but FIND OUT what your patient has before prescribing them, right? Geez. Good luck figuring this out. Vitamin deficiency?

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  37. I wouldn't be able to cope as a robot - bolted to the floor, fenced off from society, working a mundain job welding two panels together for a car. The worse would be whenever someone would come into my robot cell my power would be cut. And cut by law.

    I would have collision detect and would have no physical contact from anything, because if I did, despite my best efforts, I would destroy them...

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  38. Happy birthday Brandon! Today is actually my Sis's birthday too.

    If you were a robot, would you really care about having fun? I mean, robots don't typically have emotion, so I would just assume anyone would be okay with it as long as they don't have feelings.

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  39. B-B-BEER BOYS ~
    Entertaining, like always. And thanks for putting that JD in his place. I remember his previous comment(s), and he was getting pretty annoying. What is it about some strangers that makes them think they know all they need to know about you? (I have one like that whom I intend to deal with on my blog this upcoming weekend.)

    BRYAN, FYI: The banana-flavored rocketship has landed. After I finish the book I'm currently reading, and the one I have lined up after that, I will "launch" into yours next.

    And I think I know why you're not feeling well. You've only had 2 beers so far this month?! Dude, you're not drinking enough! You are clearly undernourished. You need to do more 12-ounce curls and increase your hop and malt intake simultaneously.

    "Flashback" - a good beer choice indeed. Happy Birthday to BRANDON. And speaking of "flashback"...

    You Beer Boys are probably way too young to know anything about him, but back in the 1970s there was a singer/songwriter who recorded humorous novelty songs. He had 6 Top 40 hits (my favorite being 'Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne') and I consider him a kinda genius. He had such a great personality too, that for awhile he hosted his own prime time TV variety show.

    I'm speaking of JIM STAFFORD.

    Well, in honor of Brandon's Birthday and Flashback beer, I give you the funniest music video I've ever seen. Sadly, the picture quality is poor because someone merely recorded it off their TV set, but it's the best I could find.

    Here's JIM STAFFORD, a man who clearly knew something about overindulging and the day after "flashback" effect, when your antics from the night before come back to you all day long in little bits and pieces. (I love how his white-clad 'Better Self' tortures his 'Hungover Self' with the harmonica playing. Sheesh! What would sound worse while suffering from a massive hangover?... except for bagpipes, I mean.)

    Video Link:
    BITS AND PIECES

    Enjoy, Brandon!

    ~ Stephen

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  40. If she doesn't know what's wrong, that means she needs to keep looking, not decide you need an anti-depressant. I find that reaction really odd. I wish you had a better option for a physician.

    Robo-Bryan wouldn't be sooo bad, as long as your wife could program him :)

    Happy Birthday Brandon!!

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  41. Wow Bryan, after reading your comment to that wuss JD, I'm totally in love with you, you ass-kicking grappling, bag punching, running, cycling weight lifter you, even if you are really a rusty, emotionless robot...Chuck the loser doctor before she kills you, she probably works for Kaiser secretly, oh and yeah, since you sound like you have a boat oad of money under your mattress, can I interest you in a loan?......
    P.S. Happy birthday Brandon!

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  42. many doctors = glorified drug dealers

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  43. Good idea to know what the doctor is prescibing and then make an informed decision. Too many people follow blindly like sheep and then wonder why they end up drag addicted zombies.
    Hope you are feeling better soon my friend.
    Hugs

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  44. That is their solution to everything, you can get the same solution on a street corner for half the price.

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  45. Glad to hear you don't have mono and you're not a pill popper. I hope your doctor figures out the problem soon...if not, fucking get new doctors. I don't like doctors and I've learned quickly that if they don't actually 'listen' to you, run like hell.

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  46. Dude, now you have me worried about you. I know it's easy to make like of the subject, but that's really terrible that they're not sure what's going on. Also, prescribing depression meds until they figure out what's wrong?! Who the hell does that!? I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed for you that all is well and your doctor is actually just a fucktard.

    What if it's a rare allergy to beer?!

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  47. Nothing more frustrating than feeling like shit and the doctor doesn't know what is wrong. I hope you feel well soon.

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  48. The idea that she would try to put you on ANY drug without knowing the problem disturbs me. Our nation is entirely too over-medicated.

    As for the robot thing, I don't understand human emotion the way it is. I know they exist and I have read about them, but they make no sense to me.

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  49. I'd probably make an alright robot. Enough creativity to maintain the human population under control and the will and persistence to eliminate the mentally lacking from the planet. I bet I'd be compared to Hitler though.

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  50. Admit it, you kinda' regret that you can't do the powering down thing right now! I've avoided anti-depressants for the that general reason, though I was afraid of being a zombie robot.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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