Wednesday, March 6, 2013

When I Grow Up...


We're often asked when we're little kids what we want to be when we grow up, and the response is often something like "a fire fighter!" or "a doctor!" or "a princess!" or "Superman!" (Some children understand careers better than others)

But let's face it, no 6 year old child walks into their kindergarten class and proudly proclaims to the teacher, "I wanna be an accounting and auditing services specialist when I grow up!" And yet 20-30 years later, a person is more likely to become such a thing than a fire fighter or a doctor. As kids, we only see the glamour of the profession, and we don't truly understand what goes into the job. Once we learn what the job entails, well, we quickly change our minds. That got us to thinking what life might be like if we had taken the career paths our 6 year old selves projected for us rather than becoming writers.


Bryan wanted to be a police officer when he was a little kid, so he could save "the good guys" from "the bad guys". But we all know a job as a police officer isn't beating up masked henchmen all day. Just imagine what a typical day would be like for Bryan, if he had become a police officer and the only thing he tackled all day was a box of Krispy Kremes.

This would be the most "exciting" part of his shift...






And that would be the "exciting" part of his day. The rest of it would be spent filling out paperwork. Mountains of paperwork. All of it detailing the mundane, trivial arrests he'd made that week.




Needless to say, Bryan is very glad he didn't listen to his 6 year old self.

Brandon, on the other hand, wanted to be a scientist. And not just any kind of scientist, mind you. See, Brandon used to idolize comic book heroes, like Bruce Banner, or Dr. Manhattan, whose experiments ultimately went awry, giving them incredible superpowers. So, if Brandon had pursued that path of developing weapons-grade toxins for the government, would he have become the next Incredible Hulk?



No, he wouldn't be a super hero. He'd be dead. That's what happens when you drink toxic chemicals, genius. Either that, or he'd just be bored out of his mind. Working in a lab all day is not exactly fun and games... it's probably right on par with police paperwork.

So while neither of us can claim that our jobs are particularly exciting, we can certainly say that they're better than the "adventurous" careers we wanted as kids.

What did you want to be when you were a kid? How would that have worked out for you?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: Red Stripe
Music: Steven Wilson

63 comments:

  1. Awwww did young Bryan have a mullet to go along with his misconception of law enforcement? I never had an answer for what I wanted to be when I was a kid (hence my current career malaise) so, as the mouthy little brat I was, I would say "Trash Man". The teacher would be shocked for a second then placate me with some words about how trash collectors are the lynch pin of our society or some suck nonsense.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think I wanted to be an author, because I liked reading so much. And I was a nerd.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Dead' is certainly a career ender.
    I wanted to be a rock star. Get paid to jam. Have fans. Look cool. Reality would've been a life on a bus, psychotic groupies, and scary drugs and diseases. Working with computers is much safer.

    ReplyDelete
  4. When I was a child, my dream jobs were either becoming a paleontologist or an astronomer. Looking back on my interests, I do realize that they are atypical fields for most girls at such a young age. Yet I had dreams to be out in the desert uncovering dinosaur bones and perhaps discovering among the fossils a new species that I would get to name. As for the latter, every time I looked at the stars through the telescope I had gotten for Christmas, I dreamed that one day I would discover a new planet among the sea of cosmic bodies.

    Now, as an adult, I realized that I can't withstand being outside in extreme heat (or humidity) nor that I am the mathematics wizard that astronomy requires one to be. Bleah.

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
  5. I wanted to be a cashier at the grocery store. They had just installed the scanners at our local grocery store, and I was MESMERIZED by the beeping sound. I just wanted to scan stuff all day every day. I also wanted to be one of Barker's Beauties on the Price Is Right or a roller skating rink DJ. I think in the case of the cashier and DJing jobs I would be on welfare, and in the case of the Barker's Beauty job I would be addicted to cocaine and elective plastic surgery.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was born without an ounce of ambition, I've never had an answer for that question. Still don't. The grind is the means to an end, the almighty health insurance and a place to flirt and be funny.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh My Gosh, I can not stop laughing at the Bryan/cop cartoon. (I think being married to a cop made it even funnier.)

    When I was a little girl I really, really wanted to go into broadcast journalism so I could go down on the field- I wanted to be a football commentator. But back then (cause I'm super old) there were no women allowed on the sidelines or up in the box. Things have changed nowawdays- but I gave up. SO, then I decided I was just going to have to steal Vanna White's job, cause that bitsy has it made :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I wanted to be an architect. I watched too much Brady Bunch. I'd probably be designing porta-potties for the circus, because I can't draw straight lines.

    Your specifics in this post are hilarious. I laughed out loud at the "cut a bitch" part. Great work again, guys.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  9. When I was a kid I was more like "do I really look like a guy with a plan?"

    ReplyDelete
  10. LOL I think you've chosen the right path, after all at least you can write about zombies and not turn into them. It was a baseball player for me, then I realised I'd have to chew seeds, be bored half my life and other guys would always want to pat me on the ass.

    ReplyDelete
  11. When I was a kid, especially when I was about six, I wanted to be a fighter pilot and I still have no clue why to this day. I still enjoy aircraft and play video games on the subject, but I doubt I'm ever likely to fly my own plane. At least not in a military capacity. This is mostly due to my fear of heights. I've been in a plane personally twice (obviously, as it was a return trip) and the experience was alright really. I just don't think the pilot life is for me after all.

    The PIRATE life though, may be, and it's a dream I've still not given up on. The best part about wondering what I'm going ot be when I grow up is that I haven't grown up yet.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank Gawd that chick didn't offer Bryan sexual favors to get out of her ticket. She woulda killed him or ruined him for life!!! I wanted to be a flight attendant 'cause I thought it was such a glamorous job. Yea, a waitress in the air ain't really all that.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Too bad Brandon DIDN'T become a (mad) scientist because then he could have invented some unpronounceable potion that would have turned Bryan into... THE INCREDIBLE HURK.

    Oh, wait... Bryan is already 'The Incredible Hurk' and without having to consume anything more foul-tasting and unpronounceable than Hefeweizen.

    Believe it or not, as a six-year-old I wanted to be a bus driver when I grew up. The good news is that I still have a very realistic chance of achieving that dream.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  14. I was certain that I was going to be an astronaut when I was a kid. My mom, having to carry empty bread bags in her purse, because I couldn't make it the 12 miles to town in the car without yacking, should have tipped me off that my career choice needed to be less adventurous.

    ReplyDelete
  15. A sock...I wanted to be a sock, then again I wasn't the brightest kid.

    ReplyDelete
  16. As a kid I wanted to be a CEO (and no, I'm not kidding). The best way there is through accounting which is where I am now.

    Young me was very strange.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I wanted to be a veterinarian. I loved animals. I still do, but as my son is very allergic to cats and as a vet I would probably end up coming home from work covered in cat dander...it would potentially have caused a problem or two...

    ReplyDelete
  18. If you ask my three year old what she wants to be when she grows up she says "I want to wear a doggy costume".

    Woohoo! I don't need to pay for college tuition!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I wanted to either be an argaeologist (spelling, huh) (because, you know, dinosaurs are cool) or an astronaut (f yeah, space). The one is very boring, the other highly unrealistic. Oh well, coding is much more fun anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I wanted to be a cartoonist but I could only draw in my younger days. Can't even draw a proper stick figure nowadays.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I never thought growing up that I would spend hours on something called blogging.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I wanted to be a doctor/surgeon. Then I found out that you need to be smart and foreign, and I'm neither of those. Then I started writing short stories. So I unwillingly became a call analyst. Yep.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I wanted to be a super hero. I think that would have worked out nicely, except that I can't fly ;)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wait people actually work when they go to work? Now I see what I've been doing wrong for the last decade...

    ReplyDelete
  25. I always wanted to be a call analyst when I was a kid. Unfortunely for me, I stumbled into becoming a doctor/surgeon after a short stint at writing short stories.

    *contents of this comment may be false.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I wanted to be Stephen King. Or Katie Curic. Yeah, I was weird and my brothers let me watch 'Carrie' when I was only 5 yrs old.

    Maybe this is why my writing is so cheerfully dark. And I am so sarcastically perky...I think I nailed it.

    ReplyDelete
  27. People would ask me what I wanted to be, I'd be all "I'm not gonna grow up". It's not working too well for me, I seem to have grown up.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I wanted to be a poet. I can barely read poetry. Also, I like eating and poetry does not buy food, or much of anything else.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Haha the last bit absolutely killed me! I used to think along the same lines, wishing that I would fall victim to some accident and gain superpowers but I'd probably go the same way as Brandon. Being a police officer definitely isn't all fun and games though, especially with that stereotypical police hating lady.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Man. I haven't had time to read you guys in a while. Still as hilarious as ever.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I wanted to be a Thundercat when I grew up.

    Still workin' on it.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I wanted to be a paleontologist. We did that whole "what do you want to be" thing when I was in 1st grade, and I proudly announced my chosen profession to the class. The teacher accused me of making it up. I argued with her about it until she made me write paleontologist on the board to prove that I wasn't making it up. When I actually was able to do that, she shut up. That's just the way it was growing up in the south. You know, I don't think I appreciated at the time how good it was to put a teacher in her place.

    I like the 'stache, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Kudos. Scientist Brandon has safety glasses on. Someone like that will never go whoopsie. Being dead is out of the question. Bored, on the other hand....

    ReplyDelete
  34. I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast and got as far as junior high before smoking cigarettes made it impossible to run anywhere. Plus, they didn't let me smoke in the gym, so rude.

    ReplyDelete
  35. OK, so I had this monumental, big-a$$, hijack your blog comment all ready to go, but when I tried to post it here, it acted like it wanted to show up (you know, the computer did that reboot kind of thing on the page), but then it was gone. So, I’m thinking; ha, ha, ha, this dumb blonde finally got wise, because I had typed this monumental, big –a$$, hijack your blog comment in word, and copied it into the comment box. So I went back to word, it was still there on the screen, because I hadn’t ‘saved’ it yet and THEN…Internet service on the entire island went down. Like I thought I was gonna outsmart ole Al’s brainchild. HA!!!

    So here’s the cliff notes version. When I was younger I wanted to be a cowgirl. For a number of years, when I lived in Colorado and Idaho, I raised and trained Quarter horses, and I spent a year on the pro-rodeo circuit (never did actually rodeo myself. I was traveling with a friend). Then I wanted to be an actress. I was never famous (that really wasn’t a part of the childhood dream), but I did spent a few years center stage. Then I wanted to travel to exotic places. So I live on an island in the Caribbean (with carp Internet service). I figure you gotta reach out and take life by the…well, you know what you gotta take it by, and do what it takes to make it happen. I still have a few things I want to do yet, so I’ll let you know if I make it, ‘when I grow up’.

    BTW, my monumental, big-a$$, hijack your blog comment said that in a roundabout way I think you guys made your dreams come true too.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Underdog. Unfortunately I would have become a live-action bargain bin movie.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I had no idea, but i knew I did NOT want to be a bus driver, like my mom, or a press feeder w/missing fingers like my dad. All I DID want? Was to be smarter than my parents, done at about age 7, and OUT of their house, done at 17.
    After such easy long-term goals, the rest of my life has been pretty much a kick in the crotch.
    But I've never driven a bus, or fed a press. So there's that.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I used to pick all my potential careers when I was six based on what they wore. I really REALLY wanted to be a train driver. For the hat. Man, I really wanted that hat.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I had no idea what I wanted to do as a kid so as an adult I have tried more jobs than one would think is humanly possible. Some I liked better than others...none that inspired me to do it for a lifetime. I tend to grow bored around year 3 although I have stayed as long as 7 years a couple of times. (in my world that's longevity) I once was a 911 dispatcher and got to hear all the stories when the cops came in. I think you have a pretty clear picture of what that job entails.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I wanted to be a nun---then I discovered boys!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I was determined to be a stuntman and maintained that dream for several years.

    My cousin wanted to be a barbarian. He said that from the time he was 5 until 9.

    Another cousin called into a radio show one morning to talk to his DJ neighbor. He was asked what he wanted to be. His 7 year old mind answered, "Nuclear Physicist."

    ReplyDelete
  42. I want to be a junkie when I grow up.

    The old ad by the government's anti-drug bureau said no kid says that. But I just did.

    I'm just not sure I'm qualified.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I wanted to live above an antique store. Didn't want to work in it. Didn't want to do much of anything. Just live above an antique store. I wish I were less weird as an adult.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Also, Bryan's cop stache is a thing of beauty.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I saw Bryan as a cop and until I saw the cop uniform, I thought you were drawing a pedophile. Oops.

    When I was little, I wanted to be a cowgirl, a teacher, a vet, and a few other things. Either people I knew or my own brain pointed out the flaw in the plan. Cowgirls live in flatter lands where there are tornadoes, teachers don't get paid hardly anything, vets have to deal with blood and put animals down. I really avoided a crap storm of stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I wanted to be Indiana Jones, and I'm not seeing the drawbacks here...

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

    ReplyDelete
  47. I don't remember what I wante to be... but I did become a scientist. :(

    ReplyDelete
  48. A scientist too! Except the more I look at academia, the more I realize how little money there is to be made it in.

    Time for a career change.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Thanks for the smile.

    I wanted to be a rock star. I don't think I would have made it as a rock star because I'd have to do interviews and give out autographs and I just wouldn't want to be bothered. :)

    ReplyDelete
  50. I think I wanted to be a teacher of small children. After becoming a parent, I decided that it was probably a good idea that that never happened.
    So is is mandatory for cops to have a porn star mo?

    ReplyDelete
  51. Oh god, I've missed you guys' posts.
    I really should get on blogspot more often.

    The "victim pulled out a switchblade and threatened to cut a bitch" part made me spit my drink omfg

    ReplyDelete
  52. I wanted to be a teacher when I was about 8 years old - because our teachers were so bad and I thought "I could do that so much better". I am the occasional math tutor these days.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I am what I am, does that make it any better?

    ReplyDelete
  54. I think my six year old self said "I wanna be a broke, drunk lazy bastard!"

    ReplyDelete
  55. Hey? I thought you guys were unemployed?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well we're writers, so... same difference.

      Delete
  56. I sure as hell didn't want to be an engineer. Still don't

    ReplyDelete
  57. Whatever you do, Bryan.... promise me you won't sing YMCA, okay? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  58. I guess I'm a little bit too attached to my dog, because the picture of the dead dog actually got me choked up.

    ReplyDelete
  59. When I was little, I desperately wanted to be a cashier. Like at a grocery store. Swear to God. I just thought it would be so fun getting to play on those registers all day. I had a toy register and I would get all the canned goods out of the cupboards and add them all up and bag them. Kept me busy for hours! Thank God my dream never came true!!

    ReplyDelete
  60. I always wanted to be a teacher because it meant summers off. And because I love paper. Turns out kids make me insanely annoyed. And high school? A bunch of assholes. I'd never have made it.

    ReplyDelete
  61. I wanted to make video games. Chances are I'd be either killing myself making Call of Battlefield XIV, or be in one of the unemployed shoes of the hundreds of employees of shut down developers. Yeah, not sure it's for me.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I wanted to be a teacher... But then I realised I didn't particularly like children...

    ReplyDelete