Thursday, March 28, 2013

Welcome to the Internet... Now Learn How to Fucking Use It


Social media is a great place to meet new people, catch up with old friends, or even sell yourself (not in THAT way, perv). It also can help portray who you are to the rest of the world, for better... or for worse. Because while social media can show everyone just how cool you are, it can also show them what a fucking goober you are.

Today we're going to help you not be an e-goober with these handy social media etiquette tips.

1. Taking pictures of yourself is great, but taking endless, blurry pictures of yourself as reflected in the bathroom mirror is lame, lazy, and kinda pathetic. First off, there's this great technology that's been around for years called "other people." What you do is you ask them if they'll take a picture of you. I know, it's a radical idea. Secondly, no matter how hard you flex those muscles or show off your new "piece," no one looks tough standing 3 feet away from their own crapper. No one.


Can you name everything wrong with this picture? Because I don't think we have enough time for that. However, this brings us to #2...

2. Leave the hashtags for Twitter only. No one likes the guy (or gal) who gets on something like Facebook or Google+ and then leaves a caption in ONLY hashtags. Real words can be cool, too. And more descriptive. Really! Plus, what the hell do half of them mean anyway? #WannaFightBro? Yeah, as posted by the guy who's only gotten in one fight in his entire life and it was with a girl. And it was a draw. Or #GiveItUp4God? Yeah, God loves when you honor him by taking a "sexy" picture in the shitter. Or #YOLO? Even without the hashtag that awful expression just needs to die. Just like the word 'Swag.'

Seriously, stop it.

3. Posting what you're thinking or feeling is part of the social media experience. So is sharing some of your favorite quotes. But people who try to come up with their own thought provoking quotes (and are far from thought provoking) just end up looking even dumber. Leave the philosophy to the philosophers, please.


I know, the wisdom of that little gem just blew your mind, didn't it? It made you want to get out of your computer chair, stop stuffing your fat face with Cheetos, and start living your life to the fullest, right?


We didn't think so.

4. Over-updating is the digital equivalent of the next door neighbor who is so annoyingly boorish that she makes you want to commit a murder-suicide just to get some peace and quiet. For example, unless you live the action-packed lifestyle of James Bond, if you find yourself posting more than ten status updates to Facebook daily you're undoubtedly the asshole all your friends make fun of behind your back. Why? Because nobody gives a shit what you ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Or how many times Little Timmy had to go pee-pee today and the status of what magical shapes his turds are making.


5. Taking pictures of your food is great, but stop trying to pass it off as artwork. It's not. See this?


This is a picture of a burrito. One that wasn't even handmade, mind you. It was ordered at Chipotle. Applying pre-made, automatic filters to this picture to make it look like it was taken 100 years ago does not qualify it as art. It just makes it a very douchey picture of a $6 burrito.

One day this will be hanging in a museum, right?
Please, we beg of you, leave the art for the artists, and if you're going to photograph something... make it something interesting, at least. The outdoors. Your dog. That new book you bought. Hell, even just a picture of yourself. I mean, you're more interesting than a $6 burrito... right?

In short, if you must use social media, you should really learn how. I mean, it's pretty simple. You're either here to look at porn, watch cat videos, sell your terrible homemade products, stalk that barista from Starbucks, or badmouth celebrities, artists, and movies. You can do any and all of those (even at the same time) without annoying the rest of us with your e-gooberness.

What other etiquette rules did we leave out? (Yes, we know there's probably a ton)

Cheers and stay classy, friends
-B&B

Music: Bernhoft
Beer: 1554


46 comments:

  1. I fecking hate those inner peace, deep soul, love everybody, cry more, big heart bullshit, it makes my teeth itch.

    God bless everybody!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're a big teddy bear and we all know it. You just try to hide it behind all that fecking quiet guy thing you've got going.

      Delete
  2. People that push their political view points bug the shit out of me. And the "I'm on this social bandwagon" and so should you be crap. Most people who use social media just want to use other people as an emotional tampon. And I don't need anyone bleeding on me.

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  3. With how long we've had social media you would think that people would know how to use it now. Even with Twitter there are tons of people who are overusing hashtags. Have you ever seen people post instagram links? I didn't think the legends could be true but they really are.

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  4. Best line ever- Yeah God really loves it when you honor Him in the shitter...bahahaha!

    I ditched my Facebook account, (for a number of reasons) but most of them you nailed above. I realized my posts were starting to sound just as gooberish and ridiculous as the ones I was reading-so I stopped the insanity.

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  5. Oh God I love this post. I have one FaceBook friend who blows up my newsfeed with interesting posts such as "I can't decide whether to wear my red or blue sweater today". Two hours later she will post "So glad I chose my red sweater because it doesn't show the red ink I got on it". Sadly, she's one of those people I can't defriend because if she commits suicide I don't want it to be on my watch.

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  6. "The Arty Burrito" would make a great blog name. So would "eGoober" for that matter. Or, to be really pretentious, "Musings of an eGoober."

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  7. Don't comment on EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I post (looking at you, parents).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I get that one a lot. There are two old ladies from my church who just got on Facebook and I guess they just want to be supportive, but they leave a comment on EVERYTHING. Half the time the comment proves that they didn't really even understand the point of my post.

      Delete
  8. "Ollie the Ostrich", oh wow.

    ..."stalk that barista from Starbucks" dude you weren't supposed to know that, shh.

    But yeah, the whole social media being mainstream thing has ruined it a bit for the folks who do know how to use it, whilst knowing their limits. There's so many dumb people on there now. (Aren't we all, though, for being on there in the first place?)

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  9. lol instagram

    sorry #lol #instagram

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  10. I'm at work eating Fritos (chili cheese). At 3:30 I will get off work. By 3:45 I will have my first beer. I'm hoping that at 4:20...well you know what happens at 4:20. I plan on cooking dinner around 6:15.

    All of the above info is useful to you.

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  11. The ornithological humor mixed with the mask that so many put on nowadays is a testament to how societal norms are being overrun by sheeple. Omg, some like people are like so fake. #YOLO #NoWomanNoCry #ListeningToMyBowelMovements #HitMeUpCutie #Hashtag #ScrewGuysLetsDrink

    Anyway, the statuses I see most frequently are those "tortured" young souls who hate everyone. As if they have a third eye plastered on their forehead that allows them to debunk the mysteries of the universe while everyone else sits around picking their noses and watching The View.

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  12. >> . . . I mean, you're more interesting than a $6 burrito... right?

    Sadly, I probably am not. I guess it depends... What's on the burrito?

    The backwards "Bang!" sign cracked me up (great attention to detail, Beer Boys), as did this:

    #WannaFightBro? Yeah, as posted by the guy who's only gotten in one fight in his entire life and it was with a girl. And it was a draw.

    I have run across so many 'Virtual Tough Guys' and they are so brave while anonymously commenting from their parents' basement half a continent away.

    I noticed you reversed the usual order of the suggested Music and Beer. I wonder why. There must be some hidden meaning in that. Hmmm... "bro that is so deep bro"

    This was an A-list blog bit, Beer Boys. I think it calls for a Part 2.

    ~ #D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ugh. I've got a Facebook friend (cousin) who posts stuff that's WAAYYY too personal for the Internet. A lot of people do this, and it really makes me wonder: Do they realize that people can SEE this stuff, or do they think Facebook is some sort of personal diary that can stay super private forever and ever? I don't get it.

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  14. As a person that is squarely imbedded in the ranks of egooberness, I don't get how telling large numbers of people that you don't actually know but currently are calling your "friends", what you are doing, eating, buying, believing, or thinking is cool. I hardly ever LOL. I do roll my eyes and think the person is an idiot in a lot of instances...are there anagrams for that?

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  15. Someone got into the jug of haterade...my solution is relatively simple. Don't logon to social media, or when you do don't friend acquaintances, or if you cannot pull the above off, mute them and make sure your posts aren't visible to them either. Seems simple enough now where did FB hide the privacy settings this week....

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  16. Ah, 'social media' the bane of society!

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  17. First off, there's this great technology that's been around for years called "other people." <-This priceless comment says it all. The narcissists are the worst. They don't get that the social media is for social-izing.

    Another hilarious post, guys. I wish the internet world followed your seemingly simple guidelines.

    xoRobyn

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  18. "I mean, you're more interesting than a $6 burrito... right?"

    WRONG!!! #burritoBro #BOLO

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  19. Yes there are seemingly a ton, personnal updates are the most ridiculous ever too. Like oh I just took a shit. I mean really, who cares. Or Oh I feel bad then you get fools asking why and they are like oh nevermind. Morons.

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  20. Wait do I know Ollie The Ostrich? He isn't related to a pigeon, is he?

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  21. This is such a good guide and I can definitely relate from seeing this kind of thing time and time again on the internet. Hashtags on Facebook irk me like nothing else, people can go too far with the Instagram filtered photos and worst is the endless amount of selfies where somebody's trying to look as badass as possible but fails (hey maybe I could learn from this!). Great post guys, I'm now away to try and understand the deep meaning of that philosophical quote, it really isn't easy to wrap my brain around it haha!

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  22. OMG that tetraptych is bee-oooo-teee-ful! I would like to buy it, and meet the artist.

    I have some gallery space I'd like to offer for exhibition. Any half eaten apples in the collection? Does the artist have a collection? If not, grab some pics from facebook and add the "antique" or "impressionist" effect and we're good to go--art!

    -H

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  23. Hilarious! Yes, I am more interesting than a six dollar burrito. At least the equivalent of a thirty-dollar seafood dinner. Plus a bottle of wine.

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  24. Dead on.

    Thanks to facebook I know the intimate details of my friends potty training exploits. Her successes and her devistating defeats. With photos. YAYYYYYYYYYYY SOCIAL MEDIA!

    Oh- and another comment from yesterday's post. I found myself saying "Its too early for crying babies" to my cat this morning. OH THEY'RE LIKE CHILDREN. *sigh*

    :)

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  25. Well, you know, once I figure out how to use my computer, I'll get on the social media thing.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Those constant updates are so annoying....I don't care that you're at the mall, or eating sushi, or drinking tequila! Enough already!

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  27. You pretty much nailed this post. Love it! Couldn't agree more with that list (I *hate* bathroom pics). I wish there was an anti-social network I could join... Oh wait. I already have, and it's called "My life" XD.

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  28. If you love God and want a cure for cancer, share this comment.

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  29. Dead on! There are enough social media sites now that anything more than once an hour on each one is annoying and that's pushing it. I adore the "connectivity" of it all but if you start annoying me I will unfriend, unfollow, block or otherwise "cut a bitch". You left out my biggest pet peeve though...the fucking duck face. The duck face makes me want to strike the jugular of every person I see making it. I'll take bathroom mirror pictures ANY day over the fucking duck face pictures!

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  30. Damn, you are right-on as usual. They do have cell phones where the camera flips and you can take a picture of yourself without using the mirror....just sayin'. Also, I have to agree with Jewels, I hate the duck face!

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  31. "Repost this if you agree." HATE that. And I don't even have an account. I am in charge of our social media for work and I am also so, so sick of people just Tweeting quotes. If I want to know about Lao Tzu, I'll go read it myself.

    Why does everyone's self pic come from the bathroom anyhow?

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  32. Too bad the people who need this the most probably won't see it, or will just think you are joking. I found you from Robyn's blog. Glad I did, I love to laugh.

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  33. I have a great temptation to take a self picture with duck face (or whatever the heck that term is). Of the many people I've now hidden on Facebook, there's one that takes self-portraits of herself with the same stupid duck face expression on it, same pose, same everything, and posts those every few days. There's one that lists her entire to-do list through the day (pick up child x, go to store, cook chicken, eat salad, blah, blah), and so on and so forth. And, yeah, the Twitter hashtags. WTH? It's not Twitter. Thankfully. Let's see, I also hid people for constantly preaching and proselytizing, and doing nothing else. People who JUST post memes all day, nothing else. People who only post politics. I could probably keep going. Make them stop.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  34. The whole thing annoys me, every one, maybe I should stop looking at it?

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  35. Nice post!!! People that push their political view points bug the shit out of me

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  36. I never realized it until you pointed it out, but Andy Warhol was the person who made others think that pictures of food can be interesting. It's all his fault! I've realized that this week with the Supreme Court pondering the fate of gay marriage, it's been a good time to see who I know on Facebook is a disgusting bigot.

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  37. I block the people who only want to post about whatever the controversial topic for the week is. Even if I agree with them. The constant Facebook debates and hatred for each other stresses me out.

    Also, people who post every moment of their day. Eating at chili's - Out of dogfood - That burrito is sitting well - When did gas get to high

    All within 5 minutes.

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  38. Daily/hourly updates on what you're writing often bugs me (I have a lot of writer friends in my circle). It's like, "Great, you can churn out 3K words in a few hours, but why let everyone know what a fantastic robot you are?"

    The most annoying update that I got consisted of someone bragging about how they finished off their final edits and then showed the cover for the final product.

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  39. #duckfaceishawt I mean...are we over duck face? Please? As sexy as it is and all...

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  40. This is the stuff I talk about in private because if I mention it in a social medium, everyone on there will have it against me. It's not that my friends are stupid either, it's just the people that add me.

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  41. For picture #1 you forgot to include #SWAG and #KONY2012. You're welcome.

    Also, you forgot duckface. Good god I hate duckface.

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  42. I had to mute a coworker on Facebook because he kept sharing pictures of very large-breasted latina women in hot pants. I don't want to open up my facebook and see butt cheeks every night, thanks.
    People should only share things that are a) truly unique b) interesting to most of their friends c) not nasty

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  43. Having a cell phone signature (which shouldn't be done to begin with), which adds to status updates. Just, no. Stop that.

    It also makes me completely insane when people share "important warnings" and things. I unfriended somebody for sharing some really disgusting things. She tried to add me again. No thank you.

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