Monday, March 25, 2013

Pets Are Just As Hard to Raise As Children

It's no secret that neither of us here at ABftS has children. At least, ones that have been successfully traced back to us. However, each of us does have dogs. And cats. And though we sometimes tell friends that our pets can be a real pain in the ass, they always tell us "oh, but that's NOTHING compared to raising children."

Well... we don't entirely agree. And here are a few reasons why.

1) Eventually, your kid will learn how to feed himself. My beagle, on the other hand, will never learn how to drive a damn car and purchase his own store-bought kibble, let alone open it up and serve it to himself in a bowl. What's more, he'll rely on me to control his feeding portions until the day he dies, unless I just let him eat whatever he wants, so that he winds up dying of heart disease and The Diabeetus at the age of 2, looking like a gluttonous, furry, bowling ball. Chances are good this will never happen to your kid, unless she's Honey Boo Boo.


2) At some point, your kid will stop shitting on the rug. Unless it's a family tradition. Or a particularly hideous rug. My terrier, on the other hand, will never know the magical beauty of diapers, nor possess the fortune to outgrow them, even when he's a teenager. Despite potty training, his voluntary incontinence will follow me his whole life, rearing its random, foul-smelling head in the form of piles and puddles left throughout the house like hellish presents hidden by the "keister bunny." Your kid, on the other hand, will probably outgrow this problem.


3) If your kid gets sick, they whine, and complain, and make a lot of messes, but so do dogs and cats. And let's not forget about giving them medicine. Sure, you have to fight your kids to get them to take medicine they don't like, but at least you don't have to mouth rape them by shoving a pill far enough down their throats that they'll swallow it, like I have to do with my dog. Also, I'm pretty sure you've never had to express your child's anal glands.



4) At one point, your child will learn to speak and tell you what he or she wants. My cat, meanwhile, will never get that pleasure. No, for almost 20 years she will meow, and meow, and meow. Is it because she's hungry? Constipated? Getting ready to throw up all over the rug? All of the above? Too bad I won't know until she's already done it.




In short, we're not saying it's by any means easy to raise a child. We're just trying to point out that pets, which we love like our own children, can be equally difficult to take care of. And let's face it, whether it's your son taking a dump on the carpet, or your Doberman asking for more money to help pay his tuition, neither pet nor child will ever be fully independent of you... until they're dead or you're dead.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Modus Hoperandi
Music: Taj Mahal

65 comments:

  1. You just have bad pets.

    My tarantula is problem-free.

    Dogs/ cats? Y'all are getting what you deserve. Ewww...

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  2. Awwww so true! They're furry little incompetent babies. i want one.

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  3. Yea you can potty train your kids and husband but ya still gotta wash the skid marks outta their underwear.

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  4. LOL! I've been hearing the same thing since we bought our puppy. You forgot to add that when your dog wants something and their attitude flares up, something's going to be destroyed in the process if they don't get it. A child will grow out of that phase and then you can kick their sorry ass out.

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  5. Let me play devils advocate here. When your teenage son starts screwing every bitch in the neighborhood, you're fecked. When your dog does it you can take him to the vet and have his bollocks removed.

    Good luck beating that one boys!

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  6. What about shedding on the furniture and clawing you when you least expect it?

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  7. I don't understand what "express anal glands" means. A fact that I hope to remain blissfully ignorant of in the future.

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  8. You make some valid points, but I think we need to revisit this subject after you have the chance to compare your human children to your pets. (assuming that you at some point have human children) I think pets have their needs but they will never sass you, wreck your car, or require college educations.

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    1. If you've ever seen Toonces the Driving Cat, I think we can all agree that a cat is fully capable of wrecking your car.

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    2. I have seen Toonces the driving cat! hilarious!!!

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  9. Cats can be much more difficult to raise than a child. Like most pets really. I can tell a child to eat something (or not eat something) but I can't do that with my cat. A child is also not likely to sit on me all day.

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  10. Well at least you can leave the cats alone for the day while you go to work from the get go. Dogs too, but then a mess will come due. They are just likes kids in many a way though. Kids grow up animals just throw up.

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  11. "keister bunny." I can't stop laughing! Correction. I did stop laughing after I read, "I'm pretty sure you've never had to express your child's anal glands." and then saw the picture. It made me clench and I'm not talking about my jaw. I can sympathize, my dog has that problem. She's scared of everything and it shows...so gross. But, we love her smelly ass just the same.

    Oh, and there are some kids you do have to sit on to get them to take their medicine and forcefully shove it down their throat with the threat of death. At least that's what I've heard. It makes them hate the flavor cherry for life too.

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  12. >>..."No! Bad dog! Smell that? That's the smell of shame. And digested rawhide."

    Ha-Ha! Yup, that's what it is alright. But do they care? If they cared, they wouldn't do it again... which they will.

    Looking back on it all these decades later, there was something to be said for the 'PET ROCK'.

    ~ Stephen

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  13. You make some valid points. Also list reasons I refuse to have pets any longer!

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  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. I respectfully disagree, but then again I have both children and pets which I feel gives me a better frame of reference.

      Cat needs food water and a clean box, set for about a week. Granted she will complain and loudly when we return but at no point do I just leave my infant unattended for that long. The cat could accomplish this at the tender age of a few months. Dogs I believe are like really mentally deficient children and part of why I don't own one, but you can board them or generally pawn them off on someone for a few days. I cannot say that I feel even remotely comfortable with that set of actions for my child.
      Damn you spelling.

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  15. And when kids fight, you're not as likely to get bit while trying to break it up. Well, there is a chance, but much smaller.

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  16. Actually our animals behave better than the Minions, maybe I should do the shock collar treatment on the Minions.

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  17. I don't have kids either, but I do have a rather large dog - and fully agree on this :). Love the illustrations :).

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  18. My cat Pebbles will never learn not to press her pussy (what pun?) against my face while I'm trying to get some sleep on my couch. It's gross. So when I start cursing at her all she says is 'meow meow!' My other cat, Mongo, prefers to do #1 right next to the kitty litter. I am blessed. Now all I need is a couple of blue kids to make my life hell. ;)

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  19. A very well reasoned argument, guys, and I laughed aloud at the Honey Boo Boo stuff. GREAT job! I'd rather own 25 vicious pit bulls than babysit her for one hour.

    xoRobyn

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  20. Good argument I guess guys, crying before babies learn speech is a way of communicating how they're feeling or how they want something which is basically what dogs barks or cats meows are, good post.

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  21. Oof, this post reminds me of this woman who talks to me on the train. Everyday she goes on a rant about her dog for 45 minutes. Today she informed me that she needs to tell me all about the dog psychologist that paid her a visit this weekend. I'll let you guys know how it went.

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  22. No thanks on the kids. I'd rather have pets but I don't have any of those either.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day :)

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  23. Pets vs. kids

    While my dogs never sassed me, my kids never puked up a sock.

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  24. Cats live to be twenty years old?!!! Holy hell. I'm a dog person. And not a little dog that is really just a cat that barks...but big dogs.

    However, I completely disagree with you on this. For many reasons but I will only mention the ones that correspond with your list:
    1) Kids will eventually learn to feed themselves and then they will eat an entire box of Oreo's in the middle of the night just because they can (side effects: not pretty). Pets will not.
    2) Boys will never stop peeing on the toilet seat. You only find this out when you sit on it.
    3) You have obviously never given medicine to a screaming toddler. This is almost exactly what you have to do.
    4) Yes your child will learn to speak. Then he will repeat everything you say in a loud voice, usually in the middle of your local grocery store or at some point during 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

    But pets do prepare you for some of this so come on! Have some kids already.ha

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  25. Ah, Anne has a point...

    And, yeah, we did actually have to spend years forcing meds down my younger son's throat. One of us had to forcefully hold his mouth open and head back while the other put the medicine in; he couldn't spit it back out that way. My oldest son was not much better. My daughter, however, has always loved medicine, and would drink like soda if we let her.

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  26. Kids climb all over things and knock things down. But cats can jump several feet and get out of reach before you can stop them from climbing.

    But either way, somebody is going to complain that they have it so much worse.

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  27. I had to bring my outdoor cat inside becasue he is sick and there is a blizzard outside. This means that he spends 90% of his time sneezing on all of my things, rubbing cat snot into my hands, clothing and arms, eating the dogs food, and about 10% actually resting.

    So yeah.

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  28. Soooo true! I love my cats but I wish someone had told me no.

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  29. Given what I just went thorough with Kira and her surgery I can also tell you that human children will one day understand that trips to the doctor keep them healthy and aren't a punishment. Also citing my recent episode with Kira, if you have medical bills for your children then the government will cover them for the simple fact that you popped them out yet couldn't afford them (this is a VERY sore subject with me as I see herd after herd of children coming in each with a different baby daddy and all are covered by Medicaid) yet if your dog gets sick then you're fucked.

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  30. I'm going to go ahead and pretend my Human Zoo blog inspired this greatness because:
    1. I need this in my life. Very little else going on over here that doesn't involve poop.
    2. I agree and that's why I'll squeeze 3 humans out of my private parts but I'll never EVAR have a dog or cat in my crazy house.

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  31. "Keister Bunny." Tee Hee. I might have to use that one.

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  32. Am I a horrible person that I have neither pet nor child and am okay with not having to answer to anything that demands food or bathroom privileges? I like both so I think that clears me of being a sociopath but I don't think I'm going to have either in my life.

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  33. Funny, but NEIGH! I SAY THEE NEIGH!
    If your dog gets the neighbor dog pregnant, your liability is no where near as bad as if your child gets the neighbor dog pregnant (nope, not a typo).
    Mainly, though, you don't have to save over a hundred thousand dollars to send your pet to pet college...because that dumb bitch will be dead before it turns 18. Thank you, thank you. No, please, I don't need flowers. You're too kind.

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  34. Having just made the emergency vet trip, I am totally with you here! Your pets are lucky because GOOD people love them like kids. Or more. ;)

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  35. My dog is still a big baby. When fireworks go off during july 4th she's screams for someone to be with. Usually in my mom's room next to the bed.

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  36. And at the end of the day... it's all worth it.

    The pets I mean.

    Kids, maybe, if they take care of you when you've started wearing diapers again.

    Ah, the circle of life.

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  37. Oh yes, the sweet aroma of anal glands, I remember it well...And don't forget that if you half a decent job as a parent, you might get to live off your kids when you're old; that will never happen with your dog or cat, not unless you sell them to a life of silly tv commercials and sitcoms....Ok, gotta go call my chis' agent...ciao

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  38. such a wonder post! i cant stop my laughing such great things
    paper towel nice answer

    statistics homework

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  39. you have a nerdy cat? she wears glasses and all.

    i prefer pets to kids, maybe i should get a bumper sticker with that...for my non existing car.

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  40. Plus kids won't want to be seen with you after a while, dogs always want their walk

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  41. The financial expense of human children exceed that which is required to raise pets.

    You have presented a strong case here but until you have pets of the human breed, then no comparison can be made! Just sayin'! Get a kid then we'll talk!

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    1. But have you ever tried to buy a shirt for a chihuahua? They're like the same price as a human shirt!

      Kidding. Neither of us are denying that a kid costs more than a dog or a cat. That's part of the reason why I don't yet have kids. I can't afford to diaper a child... I can't even afford to diaper myself.

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    2. Yo, diapers are expensive. For reals.

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    3. Diapers are the bane of every baby's existence! Not only are they expensive but they catch a lot of poop!

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  42. But have you ever tried to teach a three year old to catch a frisbee in their mouth? Virtually impossible no matter how hard you try.

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  43. I'll give you this: both pets and kids are hard to raise.

    My kids sometimes accuse me of loving the cat more than I love them. (Although I love my girls more than life itself) I don't always particularly like them, lol. The same can't be said of my cat. She's always a sweet, innocent, loving fluff ball. Occasionally my girls turn from their sweet selves into sassy, "you don't know anything mom" tweenage monsters I don't even recognize. So maybe there might be a little truth to their accusation? LOL

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  44. Oh, man, I agree! My animals are all attention whores. Pretty much everything I do in my house revolves around them in some way or other. Exactly like a kid, I imagine.

    And since you seem to be an expert, my dog has some certain glands that need tending to...

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  45. and I've got both... What was I thinking ... :)

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  46. You two really brought the funny in this post. Kudos.

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  47. I have taught both my cats to drive the car. The goldfish hasn't gotten the hang out it yet.

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  48. One of these days one of you guys are gonna get pregnant. Keep telling yourself it's just as hard when you squeeze that newborn out of your peehole.

    Ahem. I think what people originally meant is that a pet is not as difficult as a child, but they used to at least acknowledge that a pet stays the same way for longer. Now if they were to say something like "That's NOTHING compared to raising my mentally disabled child with added cerebral palsy", well they'd be right all over again.

    Someone's going to hate my comment, and I'm apologizing for it so I don't have to check back and do it later. I meant to offend no one.

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  49. You need to learn to decipher the cats meow. Mine has the sad "I'm all alone" bawl, the awful "I'm gonna be sick" yowl, and the " I'm needy and you must pet me" meow.

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  50. Well if your pets get pregnant you could give away the babies or even sell them for money.

    Can do that if your kids get pregnant.

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  51. Psst, gave you guys some praise at my blog, and I stole your pic too. Hope that's okay. =)

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  52. Bark, Bark. Woof? GRRR!!! Meow. *pant* *pant* Grrr. BARK BARK BARK!!! MEOW!!!! HISSSSSS!!!!

    Then again, Meow, SSSS.Bow Wow! Am I right?


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  53. Being the mother to a nearly 5 month old I can absolutely AGREE with you. Pets are harder. You don't have to walk your baby in the middle of the night in the middle of freezing temperatures hoping she'll pee/poop so you can go back to bed/tv/living life. Also, it's not likely you'll be walking around your house and inadvertently step into a pile of baby vomit. Kids don't chew your shoes, scratch up your furniture, or get fur in your food.

    But I will say, while we don't have to express a babies anal glands, sometimes we do have to insert suppositories. And when you take a babies temp- by inserting a thermomator in the butt, it's not unusual for them to poop. On you.

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  54. As a former beagle owner (and childless person) this was HILARIOUS and spot on.

    Thank god we don't have to express our kids' anal glands.

    Spot on again boys! :)

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  55. I just with my cats would stop barfing on my furniture and nice carpet. That'd be cool. But alas, as they get older, they keep barfing more, especially if they find something that smells freshly washed.

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  56. So...what you're saying is that you have had to express the anal glands? That particular cartoon was terrifying, by the way. And I must say, it was a relief once my kids could talk, so I could hear what was wrong. But now they won't shut up.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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