Monday, March 11, 2013

Death of a Frontman

Today's post is inspired by those insufferable music groups who, despite all obvious reason, choose not to disband once the frontman/singer either overdoses on heroin or decides he's awesome enough to quit the group and play with himself on stage. Sublime, Journey, Drowning Pool, just to name a currently touring few. Anyway, it got us to thinking, what if one of us, the two frontmen of ABftS, died? How would the blog carry on?


Alas, Brandon died doing what he loved: vomiting into his own lungs while seizing violently. Which meant we needed a replacement. And after doing what we've been doing for years, replacing Brandon was not easy. First Bryan hired an artsy hipster to co-author the blog.






He was promptly fired. Thinking all we needed was just another Brandon, Bryan outsourced a cheap lookalike named Brentin. The only problem... Brentin was from Turkmenistan, so his humor didn't translate to English very well.



Also, he was sexist. Very, very sexist. And a bit racist. That led Bryan to believe maybe he ought to hire a professional comedian. But the funny ones actually wanted to be paid in real money. So he hired Carrot Top instead.


Bryan may or may not have strangled Carrot Top with his own prop underwear.*

*If you're an officer of the law, that joke is hypothetical. Mr. Top's apparent disappearance is purely coincidental. Please stop calling.

So, as a last resort, Bryan put an ad in Craigslist...




Who'd have thought Craigslist was full of nothing but sexual deviants with bizarre fetishes? So, with all other options expired, Bryan came to the realization that without Brandon, the blog just could not carry on...

So he took a cue from one of his all time favorite childhood movies, Weekend at Bernie's.


Could someone run your blog/site without you?

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Left Hand Milk Stout
Music: John Lee Hooker


53 comments:

  1. Y'know, despite it being a mockery of Carrot Top, you seem to be adept at his visual punnery. He has a lucrative stage show in Vegas, you could always work for him and not consider it "selling out" you could even use a pseudonym. A writer's gots ta eat, and stay flush in black tar heroin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He gets a vegas show?! ARE THEY GIVING THOSE AWAY FOR FREE??

      Delete
    2. I was content in my blissful ignorance not knowing that Carrot Top has a 6 year contract with the Luxor Hotel and Casino, getting God only knows how much money to do "prop comedy." :(

      Delete
  2. I hope the part about strangling Carrot Top is true.
    Unless the person taking over my blog found my clone machine, he's never make it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think if I died I would possibly trust someone to say I was dead, but that would be it. I do know someone who actually did blog just because their friend died and they took over.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My mate said a retarded monkey could but I doubt it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I replaced myself with a chatbot about 6 months ago on my Blog. Nobody noticed...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Let's hope it never comes to this.

    I laughed out loud at the "I...feel like I'm getting mixed signals here." Love the cubist absurdism too.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't think I'd get a replacement. I'd probably just redirect my site to a goat rental business. I tried renting a goat to lock in my roommate's closet, but they're like $200 for the day.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just had a goood laughhh. lol

    ReplyDelete
  9. Brandon is a total stud in his death photo with the eagle wrapped in the flag. Is that wrong of me to notice? I love your headquarters, they are so posh!! It's no wonder Carrot Top keeps showing up.

    I would ask one of you to run my blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My cat, Her Royal Highness, would assume the reins of power at my blog. Hell, even now, she has full editorial control and just lets me blog on topics she pre-approves.

    ReplyDelete
  11. When I die, I want my blog to self-destruct. I wonder if there is away for me to do this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Isn't the normal to choke in their own vomit?

    I even have a "If I Die" post in case I get hit by a bus. My hubby has strict instructions to "Publish Draft".

    Oh sick I know but there is nothing worse than following a blog and then BAM they're gone and you don't know what happened to those Fuckers. At least I will never keep you guessing.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ah, don't even joke about losing Brandon.

    As for my blog, well, since it's kind of absurdist already, so maybe no one would even notice if I left unexpectedly.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No, no, you guys aren't Journey.

    You're Van Halen or Pink Floyd or Genesis: You can pull of a one-time replacement thing and rise to new heights.

    The trick is not to try it twice...

    Also, I recommend that Bryan be the one who dies.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Carrot Top is right now trying to empty the fillament from a light bulb.
    I know you're not wondering about my nonsense blog. I just hope none of my four readers see THIS one and get any wise ideas about poisoning me and replacing me with a drunk baby. Which would make it so much better.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You guys are the perfect pair so stay off the hard shit and stick with beer. Love how the sexual deviant has a big nose to match his big hose.

    ReplyDelete
  17. LOL oh that box as your corporate headquarters was great, must be one big arse box. You could always go weekend at bernies 2 and bring him back with voodoo.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What a touching ending!

    I also liked the part where your hand went through the wall. I was like, "What!?", and then the payoff with the "Korporat Hed-korters." Nicely played, gentlemen!

    ReplyDelete
  19. "I feel like I'm getting mixed signals here" LOL

    I've sadly come to the conclusion, (unlike you two) I could be replaced in a hot second. As a matter of fact, my nine year old daughter could take over no problem. The posts would make so much more sense, have less typos/grammar errors and would no doubt be funnier.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh, BRYAN, you shouldn't have given up quite so quickly. I mean, did you even try to contact Bob Saget? He might have been interested and, heck, his name does start with a "B", keeping the B-B-BEER BOYS tradition alive.

    (Of course, I myself don't honestly believe Bob Saget could replace Brandon, but... well, hell, you DID give Carrot Top a chance to try.)

    LOVE the music choice: John Lee Hooker. Not exactly sure how Hooker fits in with the blog bit's theme, but Hooker was great, so maybe that alone is enough.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bob Saget? Really? Why not Mr. Rogers?

      Delete
    2. Well, Bob Saget is about the least funny person I can think of, and I'm pretty sure Mr. Rogers is dead (which doesn't automatically make him less funny than Bob Saget is).

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  21. I would of thought Craigslist was the way to go as where else could one find a creative thinker on short notice.(who may or may not be a serial killer). As for who would take over my blog if I die...who would want to??

    ReplyDelete
  22. Is that a dead shriveled corpse on your hand or are just happy to see me?

    ReplyDelete
  23. We have always dreamed that someday others could take over and run our blog without us, while we continue to reap in any benefits (assuming at some point there will actually be benefits). Ideally we would still be alive.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Nice office you got there.

    People wouldn't be able to run anything mine without me. As in, that would not be possible, at all. If they ever dare try my corpse will start turning in its grave so hard it'll vibrate its way back to its home (like smartphones these days can, right?), shove the person aside, and get work done itself. I'm just that OCD about things, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  25. So what are you saying exactly? That blogs like mine are better off dying alone than to post guest blogs that don't measure up to expectations of my blog?

    Awesome! I have a guest post ready! I think I'll post it next week!

    The king of shame might be M.I.A. but alas, the blog must go on!

    Wait, maybe you are saying Brandon is no longer a part of the blog?

    ReplyDelete
  26. These Carrot Top jokes are absolutely killing me right now guys, brief-case haha, so bad that it's actually hilariously funny. I guess if one of this blog were to tragically die due to too much heroin the other would have to slog it out alone, no philosophy major could replace either of you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  27. No one can replace either one of you! I love the cardboard box. Very funny.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am not a hipster! And I don't wear scarves.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Good God, let's hope both of you stay alive. BTW, if you do need a stereotypical hipster who looks and talks exactly like that, come visit. You only have to set foot in SE Portland.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I am irreplaceable. Not to mention barely noticed. I'd better remind Laurie to post my obit when I die so everyone can notice the difference.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Bern...IE! Bern...IE! Yeah, I rememberthat one. Great hed-korters, fellas. Beats the dump I live in. :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. No - don't die, Brandon!!

    If I died, I'm pretty sure my blog would as well... if only because no one else has the password to post things.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Here is my confession, I think Carrot Top is funny.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'll tell you how this blog would go!

    I'd forcibly join the survivor Moonlighting style and turn this mother out.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm slowly starting to realize that you two hypothetically kill each other off a lot. Its like a normal thing in this blog. I suppose it was only a matter of time before this post came along, deciding how you would go on without each other.

    ReplyDelete
  36. You've upgraded your corporate building! Impressive. I remember when it was little more than a shoebox! Now it's at least twice as big. Good for your guys! :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. It only took one paragraph at the very beginning of your post to depress the hell out of me. Why can't they just leave it alone to die and become a transcending spot in music?! WHY must they gash our hearts after it's cried? WHY DIDN'T DIMEBAG DARRELL DIE SOONER?!

    Alas, the rest of the post made me forget about all that for a minute. Nobody could ever run my blog, I only trust myself. It's kinda bad.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Did you guys drunkenly cry in each others arms after writing this post? I'd imagine that the thought of losing your bro/writing partner could bring even the manliest of men to his knees.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hey, bud lights are legal here now! You can get lit...literally. Oh haha, oh hoho.

    The mixed signals was too funny.

    Nah, my blog would just slip into obscurity. I'd hope hubby would post somewhere that I was gone. I should probably put instructions somewhere. Hmmmm.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

    ReplyDelete
  40. Let's hope nothing ever happens, I don't think I could take strippers of the male persuasion running the place.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Poor Brandon. How was he the one chosen to die for your hypothetical? Its clear, you are both needed. My blog? It would fade away along with me...which its gonna do anyway if I don't get back to.posting!

    ReplyDelete
  42. That's a pretty good office, fairly roomy for a cardboard box if you ask me.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Haha! You have out done yourself with this post. I mean the word play, the freckles on Carrot and your corporate cardboard box all gave me a good laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I think I might make you two my Blog Godparents in case something happens to me.

    ReplyDelete
  45. No idea. I don't want to test that.

    ReplyDelete
  46. bud light...cringe, but I love bad puns!! I am pretty sure a brain dead panda could run my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I could let my cats take over, and it would probably become a wildly successful blog. They love cardboard boxes so lookout Maru!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Seeing as how I Hanny and I can barely keep up with our own blog, I have to say that I'm pretty hard-pressed to find somebody who could write and keep it regularly updated on our behalf. :P

    Brandon shall surely be missed.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete