Alas, Brandon died doing what he loved: vomiting into his own lungs while seizing violently. Which meant we needed a replacement. And after doing what we've been doing for years, replacing Brandon was not easy. First Bryan hired an artsy hipster to co-author the blog.
He was promptly fired. Thinking all we needed was just another Brandon, Bryan outsourced a cheap lookalike named Brentin. The only problem... Brentin was from Turkmenistan, so his humor didn't translate to English very well.
Also, he was sexist. Very, very sexist. And a bit racist. That led Bryan to believe maybe he ought to hire a professional comedian. But the funny ones actually wanted to be paid in real money. So he hired Carrot Top instead.
Bryan may or may not have strangled Carrot Top with his own prop underwear.*
*If you're an officer of the law, that joke is hypothetical. Mr. Top's apparent disappearance is purely coincidental. Please stop calling.
So, as a last resort, Bryan put an ad in Craigslist...
So he took a cue from one of his all time favorite childhood movies, Weekend at Bernie's.
Could someone run your blog/site without you?
Cheers and stay classy, folks!
-B&B
Beer: Left Hand Milk Stout
Music: John Lee Hooker
Y'know, despite it being a mockery of Carrot Top, you seem to be adept at his visual punnery. He has a lucrative stage show in Vegas, you could always work for him and not consider it "selling out" you could even use a pseudonym. A writer's gots ta eat, and stay flush in black tar heroin.
ReplyDeleteHe gets a vegas show?! ARE THEY GIVING THOSE AWAY FOR FREE??
DeleteI was content in my blissful ignorance not knowing that Carrot Top has a 6 year contract with the Luxor Hotel and Casino, getting God only knows how much money to do "prop comedy." :(
DeleteI hope the part about strangling Carrot Top is true.
ReplyDeleteUnless the person taking over my blog found my clone machine, he's never make it.
I think if I died I would possibly trust someone to say I was dead, but that would be it. I do know someone who actually did blog just because their friend died and they took over.
ReplyDeleteMy mate said a retarded monkey could but I doubt it!
ReplyDeleteI replaced myself with a chatbot about 6 months ago on my Blog. Nobody noticed...
ReplyDeleteLet's hope it never comes to this.
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud at the "I...feel like I'm getting mixed signals here." Love the cubist absurdism too.
xoRobyn
I don't think I'd get a replacement. I'd probably just redirect my site to a goat rental business. I tried renting a goat to lock in my roommate's closet, but they're like $200 for the day.
ReplyDeleteI just had a goood laughhh. lol
ReplyDeleteBrandon is a total stud in his death photo with the eagle wrapped in the flag. Is that wrong of me to notice? I love your headquarters, they are so posh!! It's no wonder Carrot Top keeps showing up.
ReplyDeleteI would ask one of you to run my blogs.
My cat, Her Royal Highness, would assume the reins of power at my blog. Hell, even now, she has full editorial control and just lets me blog on topics she pre-approves.
ReplyDeleteWhen I die, I want my blog to self-destruct. I wonder if there is away for me to do this.
ReplyDeleteIsn't the normal to choke in their own vomit?
ReplyDeleteI even have a "If I Die" post in case I get hit by a bus. My hubby has strict instructions to "Publish Draft".
Oh sick I know but there is nothing worse than following a blog and then BAM they're gone and you don't know what happened to those Fuckers. At least I will never keep you guessing.
Ah, don't even joke about losing Brandon.
ReplyDeleteAs for my blog, well, since it's kind of absurdist already, so maybe no one would even notice if I left unexpectedly.
No, no, you guys aren't Journey.
ReplyDeleteYou're Van Halen or Pink Floyd or Genesis: You can pull of a one-time replacement thing and rise to new heights.
The trick is not to try it twice...
Also, I recommend that Bryan be the one who dies.
Carrot Top is right now trying to empty the fillament from a light bulb.
ReplyDeleteI know you're not wondering about my nonsense blog. I just hope none of my four readers see THIS one and get any wise ideas about poisoning me and replacing me with a drunk baby. Which would make it so much better.
You guys are the perfect pair so stay off the hard shit and stick with beer. Love how the sexual deviant has a big nose to match his big hose.
ReplyDeleteLOL oh that box as your corporate headquarters was great, must be one big arse box. You could always go weekend at bernies 2 and bring him back with voodoo.
ReplyDeleteWhat a touching ending!
ReplyDeleteI also liked the part where your hand went through the wall. I was like, "What!?", and then the payoff with the "Korporat Hed-korters." Nicely played, gentlemen!
"I feel like I'm getting mixed signals here" LOL
ReplyDeleteI've sadly come to the conclusion, (unlike you two) I could be replaced in a hot second. As a matter of fact, my nine year old daughter could take over no problem. The posts would make so much more sense, have less typos/grammar errors and would no doubt be funnier.
Oh, BRYAN, you shouldn't have given up quite so quickly. I mean, did you even try to contact Bob Saget? He might have been interested and, heck, his name does start with a "B", keeping the B-B-BEER BOYS tradition alive.
ReplyDelete(Of course, I myself don't honestly believe Bob Saget could replace Brandon, but... well, hell, you DID give Carrot Top a chance to try.)
LOVE the music choice: John Lee Hooker. Not exactly sure how Hooker fits in with the blog bit's theme, but Hooker was great, so maybe that alone is enough.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Bob Saget? Really? Why not Mr. Rogers?
DeleteWell, Bob Saget is about the least funny person I can think of, and I'm pretty sure Mr. Rogers is dead (which doesn't automatically make him less funny than Bob Saget is).
Delete~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
I would of thought Craigslist was the way to go as where else could one find a creative thinker on short notice.(who may or may not be a serial killer). As for who would take over my blog if I die...who would want to??
ReplyDeleteIs that a dead shriveled corpse on your hand or are just happy to see me?
ReplyDeleteWe have always dreamed that someday others could take over and run our blog without us, while we continue to reap in any benefits (assuming at some point there will actually be benefits). Ideally we would still be alive.
ReplyDeleteNice office you got there.
ReplyDeletePeople wouldn't be able to run anything mine without me. As in, that would not be possible, at all. If they ever dare try my corpse will start turning in its grave so hard it'll vibrate its way back to its home (like smartphones these days can, right?), shove the person aside, and get work done itself. I'm just that OCD about things, I guess.
So what are you saying exactly? That blogs like mine are better off dying alone than to post guest blogs that don't measure up to expectations of my blog?
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I have a guest post ready! I think I'll post it next week!
The king of shame might be M.I.A. but alas, the blog must go on!
Wait, maybe you are saying Brandon is no longer a part of the blog?
These Carrot Top jokes are absolutely killing me right now guys, brief-case haha, so bad that it's actually hilariously funny. I guess if one of this blog were to tragically die due to too much heroin the other would have to slog it out alone, no philosophy major could replace either of you guys!
ReplyDeleteNo one can replace either one of you! I love the cardboard box. Very funny.
ReplyDeleteI am not a hipster! And I don't wear scarves.
ReplyDeleteGood God, let's hope both of you stay alive. BTW, if you do need a stereotypical hipster who looks and talks exactly like that, come visit. You only have to set foot in SE Portland.
ReplyDeleteI am irreplaceable. Not to mention barely noticed. I'd better remind Laurie to post my obit when I die so everyone can notice the difference.
ReplyDeleteBern...IE! Bern...IE! Yeah, I rememberthat one. Great hed-korters, fellas. Beats the dump I live in. :)
ReplyDeleteNo - don't die, Brandon!!
ReplyDeleteIf I died, I'm pretty sure my blog would as well... if only because no one else has the password to post things.
Here is my confession, I think Carrot Top is funny.
ReplyDeleteme too but in a different way
DeleteI'll tell you how this blog would go!
ReplyDeleteI'd forcibly join the survivor Moonlighting style and turn this mother out.
I'm slowly starting to realize that you two hypothetically kill each other off a lot. Its like a normal thing in this blog. I suppose it was only a matter of time before this post came along, deciding how you would go on without each other.
ReplyDeleteYou've upgraded your corporate building! Impressive. I remember when it was little more than a shoebox! Now it's at least twice as big. Good for your guys! :)
ReplyDeleteIt only took one paragraph at the very beginning of your post to depress the hell out of me. Why can't they just leave it alone to die and become a transcending spot in music?! WHY must they gash our hearts after it's cried? WHY DIDN'T DIMEBAG DARRELL DIE SOONER?!
ReplyDeleteAlas, the rest of the post made me forget about all that for a minute. Nobody could ever run my blog, I only trust myself. It's kinda bad.
Did you guys drunkenly cry in each others arms after writing this post? I'd imagine that the thought of losing your bro/writing partner could bring even the manliest of men to his knees.
ReplyDeleteHey, bud lights are legal here now! You can get lit...literally. Oh haha, oh hoho.
ReplyDeleteThe mixed signals was too funny.
Nah, my blog would just slip into obscurity. I'd hope hubby would post somewhere that I was gone. I should probably put instructions somewhere. Hmmmm.
Shannon at The Warrior Muse
Let's hope nothing ever happens, I don't think I could take strippers of the male persuasion running the place.
ReplyDeletePoor Brandon. How was he the one chosen to die for your hypothetical? Its clear, you are both needed. My blog? It would fade away along with me...which its gonna do anyway if I don't get back to.posting!
ReplyDeleteThat's a pretty good office, fairly roomy for a cardboard box if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteHaha! You have out done yourself with this post. I mean the word play, the freckles on Carrot and your corporate cardboard box all gave me a good laugh.
ReplyDeleteI think I might make you two my Blog Godparents in case something happens to me.
ReplyDeleteNo idea. I don't want to test that.
ReplyDeletebud light...cringe, but I love bad puns!! I am pretty sure a brain dead panda could run my blog.
ReplyDeleteI could let my cats take over, and it would probably become a wildly successful blog. They love cardboard boxes so lookout Maru!
ReplyDeleteSeeing as how I Hanny and I can barely keep up with our own blog, I have to say that I'm pretty hard-pressed to find somebody who could write and keep it regularly updated on our behalf. :P
ReplyDeleteBrandon shall surely be missed.
-Barb