Today is Valentine's Day, which means that Cupid is out and about, drunkenly shooting his love arrows like the callous asshole that he is. Yes, you read that correctly. Some people believe in Cupid and some people think he's just a myth, but we firmly believe that he's real. Why? Because as stated, he's an angry, drunken asshole, and he makes some of the worst pairings ever. He's too bad at his job to NOT be real.
Let's take Tara, aged 26.
She's a smart, beautiful young woman who's got a solid career and a bright future. So who's Cupid going to pair her up with? Well, naturally Tara's going to fall madly in love with an unemployed stoner named Thomas (who goes by "T-Train") that doesn't shower, constantly calls her "fat" and "stupid", and cheats on her any chance he can get.
|Cupid is obviously actor Jeremy Renner, because he always looks angry and he seems to have a bow and arrow in every single movie he's ever made.|
Next let's look at Richard, who's a spry 59 years young and still looking for that special lady.
But Cupid has other plans for him. Namely, falling in love with a 19 year old coke-addicted stripper named "Diamond Baby."
Finally, let's not forget everyone's favorite modern classic of literature, Twilight, and it's unforgettable star-crossed lovers.
A vampire and its dinner? Why yes, not only do they fall for each other, but Bella spends three books completely dependent on Edward and trying so hard just to be his girlfriend. Because who needs a career and ambitions when you've got a sparkly vampire man! (You jealous, Tara?)
And the rest is history...
So those of you who are celebrating today with your special someone, just remember that your love is not a special connection of body and soul. No, it's merely a cruel, drunken joke at the hands of a man who enjoys holding a bow and arrow WAY too much.
And you single folk, watch out... because you're next.
Cheers and keep the VD out of V-Day,
Beer: Leffe Brown
Music: The Sounds