Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Tale of Stupid Cupid


Today is Valentine's Day, which means that Cupid is out and about, drunkenly shooting his love arrows like the callous asshole that he is. Yes, you read that correctly. Some people believe in Cupid and some people think he's just a myth, but we firmly believe that he's real. Why? Because as stated, he's an angry, drunken asshole, and he makes some of the worst pairings ever. He's too bad at his job to NOT be real.

Let's take Tara, aged 26.


She's a smart, beautiful young woman who's got a solid career and a bright future. So who's Cupid going to pair her up with? Well, naturally Tara's going to fall madly in love with an unemployed stoner named Thomas (who goes by "T-Train") that doesn't shower, constantly calls her "fat" and "stupid", and cheats on her any chance he can get.

Cupid is obviously actor Jeremy Renner, because he always looks angry and he seems to have a bow and arrow in every single movie he's ever made.


Next let's look at Richard, who's a spry 59 years young and still looking for that special lady.


But Cupid has other plans for him. Namely, falling in love with a 19 year old coke-addicted stripper named "Diamond Baby."



Finally, let's not forget everyone's favorite modern classic of literature, Twilight, and it's unforgettable star-crossed lovers.



A vampire and its dinner? Why yes, not only do they fall for each other, but Bella spends three books completely dependent on Edward and trying so hard just to be his girlfriend. Because who needs a career and ambitions when you've got a sparkly vampire man! (You jealous, Tara?)


And the rest is history...


If that isn't true love, I don't know what is!

So those of you who are celebrating today with your special someone, just remember that your love is not a special connection of body and soul. No, it's merely a cruel, drunken joke at the hands of a man who enjoys holding a bow and arrow WAY too much.

And you single folk, watch out... because you're next.

Cheers and keep the VD out of V-Day,
B&B

Beer: Leffe Brown
Music: The Sounds


45 comments:

  1. Ha! Richard and diamond baby kind of work, right? Also, Edwards hair is spot on.

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  2. I have no complaints...wait, what? I have complaints. That fucking cupid has only shot me with those fucking little arrows only twice. The first time he paired me with a physically abusive woman who would drop me out into the apartment hallway while I was passed out and then punched me in the nose every time I tried to get in.

    The second time worked out ok but why couldn't Cupid shoot me with a few of those one night stand arrows or a couple fuck buddy arrows in between?

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  3. Cupid is one handsome guy but then again, I have a thing for Jeremy Renner. I just loved him in Hurt Locker. Mmmm, dreamy...guy defusing bombs, in a uniform..oh, I'm sorry, what was I saying? Right, cupid. T-Train, sparkly and really annoying vampires.

    My opinion, I'd rather stay in and avoid the crowds tonight. Love is love and it will still be there tomorrow.

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  4. Diamond Baby may be a coke addicted gold digger but she seems to be pretty smart...smart enough to know to catch the money train.

    I think you might be right about Cupid being Jeremy Renner. Makes perfect sense.

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  5. Your depiction of Cupid is spot-on. Very well done!
    Also, I may be next. Oh boy I'd better get into the bunker.

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  6. Damn that is one ugly cupid, so far I've avoided his ass with the huge crack. No holes in me, as all i get are the crazies. I think any cupid around me is blinded by his own ass crack and can't hit things worth a damn haha

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    Replies
    1. I think cupid has a nice, firm, rounded ass. Much better than a nasty saggy diaper. LOL!!!

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  7. You boys are so romantic!

    Enjoy all the VD you can fellas.

    xoxoxo
    a-

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  8. Does Cupid only come out of Valentines Day? That might explain last year... Better watch out this year... Thanks for the warning.

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  9. He looked a bit like Nicholas Cage that cupid, also i don't know who Jeremy Renner is....also screw you cupid...

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  10. You romantic fools! Happy Valentines Day!

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  11. cupid works in mysterious ways.

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  12. I definitely dodged a bullet, or shall I say arrow, from that mischievous Cupid. A girl that I was looking to advance into a relationship with (more than just bed-buddies) was later arrested due to her involvement in a prostitution ring.

    Damn you, Jeremy Renner Cupid! You almost landed me in the doghouse!

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  13. Cupid got pissed when computer dating started infringing on his territory. "Matching people up based on compatibility is my gig! Oh, I'll get my revenge on you! HAHAHAHA."

    And he's a mean drunk.

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  14. I was actually married to a burrito for a couple years back in the Nineties.

    Best damn lover I ever had.

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  15. Don't worry guys, I'll never find anyone unless I fall in love with my food. I bet there is a church that would marry a man and his sandwich. I probably wouldn't even be the first man to do it.

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  16. Wuv. Ta-rew wuv.

    That Cupid bastard used to shoot me and pair me with the WORST matches. Damn I'm glad I dodged him last time, grabbed the second arrow, and stabbed my husband it it.

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  17. Speaking of Twilight, I just got unceremoniously kicked out of an author group because I said something "negative" about it. Talk about spreading the love.

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  18. very interesting post. By the way, these characters are real or you just made that up? anyway, I couldn't be more agree with you.

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  19. Ah,Cupid, my arch nemesis, we meet again. I will not fall prey to you evil machinations! I am only going to fall for someone this time who won't break my heart. And I will...hmmmm...that T-Train is kinda cute actually...i wonder if he's available. Cause I'm sure he would change his cheating ways for me! Call me!

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  20. Oh my God guys, I swear I'm nearly dying with laughter here right now, this is brilliant. That cupid is such an asshole though, he really does take a liberty when he gets some booze in him haha.

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  21. I've seen Cupid's attacks firsthand. I'm glad I haven't been hit. Hard. Ish.. And an ahaha to the VD out of V-Day. I love it!

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  22. Dear Cupid,

    I would be willing to legally change my name to T-Train if I could couple my caboose to someone like Tara.


    SINcerely,


    T-Bone

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  23. This is my anniversary too. My husband and I accepted many years ago that our love was a cruel drunken joke. We're actually ok with that.

    But then we are still drunk a lot...
    Not really. Maybe. What?

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  24. I guess that means if you don't know which of you is the crappy, drugged up person in the relationship, it's probably you.

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  25. Awwww, come on, love is not so bad! Last time I got hit by cupid's arrow, I feel for an emotionally abusive psychopath who publicly humiliated me and turned one of my friends against me. So sweet. (And when I say "psychopath" I'm not exaggerating - he was a literal psychopath).

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  26. Glad my Ninja skills kept Cupid away and I found love all on my own. All right, I asked and she said yes. I'm grateful!

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  27. B-B-BEER BOYS ~

    >> . . . Cheers and keep the VD out of V-Day.

    Only YOU guys would come up wid sumpin' like dat.

    >> . . . "I fell in love with my food."

    HA-HA! Classic.

    >> . . . Beer: Leffe Brown

    Wow! Not only did you mention I beer I don't recall seeing recommended on this blog before, but you came up with a beer I have NEVER EVEN HEARD OF. Good work, Beer Boys. I don't know what it tastes like, but I'm certain it's gotta be better than Sodomized Coors (you know the beer I mean).

    Thanks for listening to your fans (i.e., me).

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal Amrican Underground'

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  28. Thank you for making me laugh so much. This is the best V-Day post I've ever seen. I think I love you guys. I have an arrow protruding from my butt to prove it.

    xoRobyn

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  29. That is fucking hilarious, because it's so true! I don't do V-Day. Or V-D, for that matter.

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  30. This is so true. Also, hilarious, but mostly all I can think is "wow, that's completely accurate". Falling in love sounds a lot scarier when it's because you were drunkenly shot with an arrow though. Edward's hair freaked me out because it was exactly like Edward's hair.

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  31. Ah, I think I got hit by Cupid's twin. V-Day is a crazy day. For years, I hated it because of all the lovey dovey couples and I even avoided social networks. Even though I'm not single, I still think it's just another day.

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  32. You're right Jeremy Renner definitely spent Valentine's Day writing poems about archery and masturbates watching Robin Hood (the Kevin Costner version, obviously...or maybe the Disney version with the cartoon fox). I always enjoy when Cupid pairs the morbidly obese person with the hyper anorexic person. It's almost as enjoyable as a fat guy on a scooter.

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  33. Reading after a long time lol
    Fun as hell as usual xD

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  34. Ha! Goood stuff, as always!! DOn't eat all that chocolate in one sitting OK?! :)

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  35. Hey guys, drop by my blog for good news. And please email me (Rawknrobyn@aol.com) with an address or POB - yours, preferably. ;->

    xoRobyn

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  36. Hi good post for valentines day special i think renner spent anchery nice post i love it keep up your good work doing

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  37. Damn Valentine's Day. I hate it. HATE it.

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  38. Egad! I have just stumbled across you boys and darn and confound it but you are darn rib tickling!

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  39. You had me at, "I fell in love with my food." Win. Subscribed.

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  40. I guess I could be worse off. And thanks for your advice on my post. That was the sort of thing I needed to hear and I'll definitely keep that in mind.

    That being said, Theresa has no interest in dating anymore, period. Even before we started dating she was kind of asexual and maybe it came back.

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  41. Personally, I think Richard deserves Diamond Baby. May they RIP.

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