Monday, February 18, 2013

The Great Cruise Ship Disaster of 2013

As you may have seen in the news, a Carnival cruise ship effectively turned into a floating paperweight last week when it lost all power. Well, we just so happen to have found ourselves aboard that cruise liner. But we didn't have rooms, because while it was a fancy tourist ship, we two lowly writers could only afford to ride in the cargo hold, with the precious goods we were smuggling transporting back from China. Also, we didn't even know there was an emergency. We just thought people on cruises liked to party with the lights off.




A few days passed, and we were still partying hard. Sure, it was a little dark, but it wasn't that bad.





Unfortunately, the sewage level continued to rise in the cargo hold, but we were long gone by that point. Because, frankly, once the beer's gone, the party's over. We carried our box of stuff upstairs, used its contents to build a raft, and sailed the last 150 miles to shore with some bottled water we pried off of a dead body and two armfuls of rat sushi.

Meanwhile, everyone on board was just hanging out in the dark, drinking booze and eating buffet food, completely separated from technology. We were so envious of them, but we had a delivery to make.


And much like that little Indian kid who went on a boating trip with a hungry tiger, we risked life and limb (and a serious case of Hepatitis C) to bring you fantastic news. So, what were the precious contents of our cargo container that eventually got MacGyvered into a makeshift sailing vessel? They were the first copies of our very first paperback books. That's right, all five of our novels are now available in paperback print! Badass, right? Here are the links to all five books, which can also be found in our web store (click the banner at the top of the page).

The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson
Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas
The Missing Link
Demetri and the Banana Flavored Rocketship
Chasing the Sandman



Not only are they high quality, they're also extremely buoyant, comfortable to sit on, and incredibly entertaining while you float along the open ocean, waiting to die!*

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Smithwick's
Music: The Clash

*Our lawyers do not recommend using them for anything water-related. Only for reading and sharing.

54 comments:

  1. I should read the news more often, there sure is a lot going on with cruise ships recently, sinking, catching on fire and now no power.

    And your books are so reasonably priced - I can build my own float with these!

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  2. It's nice to know that your books can be used as flotation devices, but can they also be used as flood defences? How absorbent are they? The savvy book buyer doesn't commit until these questions can be answered.

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  3. I encourage you to take a cruise and tell me what you think! Carnival Cruises are usually about $299.

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  4. Cruises sound great. Especially the one I just heard about with Sugar Ray, Smash Mouth, and one of the people from the band Live. I think if I ended up on that ship, I'd try to cut the power.
    Congrats on the paperback, that's really cool.

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  5. Congratulations! Now you need to write one about surviving on the open sea. Oh wait, Life of Pi has already been written...

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  6. Well at least the sharks won't go hungry, nothing but one big death trap indeed. And congrats on paperback editions too.

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  7. These cruise trips... Either they kill you immediately from the malfunctioning chemical toilets, or in ten years of a heart attack from the overeating. I've never been so happy to be poor.

    And congrats on the paperback versions of the books!

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  8. Oh, those damn lawyers. Where were they when you were eating rat sushi?

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  9. I'll admit that thanks to your blog, I am up-to-date and informed with the news stories that are happening back home.

    Also: WOW! Man, I can't wait to see the day when I have my own paperback copies of my novel(s). I'll be contacting you guys for a couple of orders. :)

    -Barb

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  10. The hell with that! If I want to submerge myself in urine and eat rats, I'll just stay at home.

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  11. It's okay, Carnival let them keep their bathrobes. Mainly because they probably didn't want them back.

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  12. Well, it wouldn't be a blog post if there wasn't a couple of shameless plugs to get us to spend our money.

    However, I just can't believe your story. So you say you used books to make a floating device that would sail you home and that you read the books on the way, right? But how can you read a book when it's wet and the pages are stuck together and the ink is all smudged?

    I'm on to you guys! I got my eye on you 2!

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  13. Well, it's still a pool. It's just a pool filled with pee. Or beer. Don't know which one I'd rather have in my back yard.

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  14. Congrats on the paperbacks. They look awesome!!! Be glad you jumped ship before you were floating in feces like the other passengers!

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  15. Congrats on the paperbacks!!! I will be sure to take them on my next cruise. Love the dual purpose...entertainment and life saving device. Money well spent for sure.

    I have been on a number of cruises and I never tried the rat sushi or perhaps it was on a buffet and I just didn't realize that it was rat.

    As for the pee swimming pool...that really takes the pressure off as to the propriety of peeing in the pool.

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  16. As much as I love people watching and revel at seeing pretentious people having meltdowns, I believe I would have totally enjoyed that cruise.

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  17. B-B-BEER BOYS ~
    I really enjoyed your positive spin on the ‘The Great Cruise Ship Disaster Of 2013, but I am especially pleased to see your books are finally on real paper and not just on virtual computer paper.

    You know I said previously that as soon as you produced a book that I could actually hold in my hand, I would purchase one… and I will. Question is, if I can currently only afford to buy one to begin with (which is true), which one should I splurge for?

    Bryan, because you read my blog, you probably know my personality best. Based on what you know about me, which of your paperback books would you suggest I begin with? You name it, I’ll buy (and read) it. Tell me, Beer Brother, where should I jump in?

    Also . . . I rarely post links to my own blog bits when commenting on someone else’s blog, but in this case I think an exception is in order:

    Bryan’s remark, “I know, I love this Budreiser, the supreme happy emperor of beers” made me laugh and reminded me of a blog bit I wrote back in 2011 about a highly-prized and very expensive (about $100. per 500 ml. bottle in American dollars) Chinese liquor that someome brought back for me from a trip to China. I think you will enjoy my take on the “flavor” of that expensive Chinese booze.

    You can read that review of ChiComCrap by clicking the link below:

    MY FRIEND WENT TO CHINA AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TRANSMISSION FLUID!

    Again, Bryan, please recommend one of your paperback books for me to start with and I will make that purchase soon.

    Good work, Beer Boys.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

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  18. Dimetri and the Banana-flavored Rocket Ship is my absolute favorite!

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  19. Nice, books to read and can also be used as a flotation device. I will make sure I have them with me the next time I am flying over water or on a cruise ship.

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  20. Woo hoo! The books look amazing! Did you guys design all the covers and everything?

    Imagine if some Hollywood director decides to make these books in to movies. Don't forget us little people when you're smoking cigars with Scarlett Johansson.

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  21. Budreiser. LOL! Great story and congratulations on your books!

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  22. Yay for your books! That's awesome!

    You should get yourselves to the hospital though. Too much rat sushi can really take its toll on your colon...

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  23. Cool books you guys. I should come up with a disposable crapper to be handed out on cruise ships. You suction it to your rear, then crap. Call it the Crap'n'go. In this case just toss the whole mess overboard which would biodegrade.

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  24. This story really made me laugh, that's sometimes how I imagine the captains on these cruise ships to be, lazy and having a good time while the place falls down around them although to be fair some of the passengers problems were minor (swimming in a pool of pee not being one of them). Bud definitely is the kind of king supreme of beers as well haha, despite the fact it tastes like pee.

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  25. I'm not really sure on the floatability of paper...so I'll have to take your word for it. But yes, it's really awesome you've got printed versions of your books out and maybe now you'll be able to afford actual sushi. Though there's no need to stop drinking the grand super emperor of beer.

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  26. "Carnivore Cruises" I love that! This is one funny post. And it's sequentially funny, i.e. it gets funnier as you read along "sequentially". :P

    U may recall I read "The Missing Link" on my last year's new Kindle Fire. Sounds like it's time to tackle another.
    Recommendation, guys?

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  27. I take it you guys wouldn't fare too well on an actual cruise. They should've had you aboard the Carnivore to provide entertainment.

    Congratulations on the paperback versions. YAY! I don't do e-books. I'll be shopping soon.

    xoRobyn

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  28. Now if they come with a rubber dingy, count me in.

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  29. REAL BOOKS! That's so cool.

    Also. That cruise ship story horrified me in a special way that very few things do. I heard they're refunding the trip (obviously), paying for any travel costs, and offering each person $500. Hmmm. I have to live in raw sewage for four days? No, I don't think that will cover it.

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  30. Getting to see your books in print is awesome. Congrats. I own them all on digital already. :)

    And this is why I refuse to go on a cruise. Too many variables; I don't like relinquishing my control.

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  31. Does that mean I should cancel my next Carnivore Cruise? You guys rock, books and all!

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  32. I was completely with you guys until that guy pooped in his shoe. I mean, couldn't he just find some poor old sap's shoe to use as a porta potty instead? Gonna check out the books, which I can only imagine are as ridiculous as your blog^.^ gonna remember to subscribe this time, else I miss anything more

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  33. Funny story, but great news! You guys should be all happy and making blog posts and.. oooooh

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  34. Very cool that you're in print! And I love your take on the cruise. Carnival is an oxymoron, apparently.

    And I think the shoe pooper has a secret (not so secret now) fetish.

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  35. PAPERBACK BOOKS!!! You have no idea how much this excites me. I love paperback books.

    By the way, you ran out of beer on the ship, but are you restocked now? It wouldn't be A Beer For The Shower without, you know, beer...and a shower.

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  36. Look at you boys go!! You have physical books now. I will click the button, enter the store and make a purchase. Congratulations on all your hard work.

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  37. Hey, I bought Chasing the Sandman and will be most pleased to write a review when the book arrives. I'm a die hard fan of the short story, hence the choice.

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    Replies
    1. And our order #'s confirm it! Thanks for the support, Anne. Cheers to you!

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  38. Wow - way to go, boys!! I'll be orderin'...

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  39. I got stuck on a train once that ran out of food. We were delayed 24 hours, and man, I was starved by the time I got off! Throw in a little raw sewage and I woulda cried like a little girl. Things devolve quickly in the absence of creature comforts

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  40. Dude 5 novels? Congratulations! And your post made me LOL as always.

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  41. Yeah, don't go with Carnival. I've heard pretty bad things about them in general.

    Go with Princess if you can. They're pretty awesome.

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  42. I know I'm probably just an ignorant ass, but I would have loved to be stuck out at sea for days just to have a reasonable excuse not to go to work. Plus, those people are probably getting tons of money and free stuff now. Lucky bastards.

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  43. Cruising the open ocean in a big tin an with a few hundred(thousand)pretentious types is my idea of an ideal vacation. NOT! But, it does make for some funny stuff.

    Congrats on the PB books. I read on screen and have got to get the TSALATOSD downloaded.

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  44. The only cruise I've been on is a booze cruise and that was a ton of fun!

    Dang, now I kind of wish I had held off on buying your books on kindle because I prefer paperbacks to digital any day! Congrats to you both!

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  45. This post would have made for a much better script for that movie Titanic. Although I would have been fine with having Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet play the two of you.

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  46. I have always wanted to try rat sushi. I need to go on a cruise soon.

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  47. Man that cruise industry cannot catch a break. It didn't used to be so bad before the ships got so big. (says the dude that's been on a few). Also never eat the Buffet, go with the seated dining option. You get to wear fancy clothes and eat lobster.

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  48. I was riveted to find out what you made your raft out of! And it was your books! I can't believe they are all in print. I can't even imagine how exciting that must be!!

    I own all your books on ebook, but of course I will need to buy at least one of these. Now to decide...

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  49. Haha. Holy shit, I missed reading this blog. Congrats on the paperbacks guys!

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  50. It all tastes like pee to me too. Wait... I don't know what pee tastes like. I hope.

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