Thursday, February 7, 2013

So God Made a Writer

        If you watched the Superbowl this last weekend (or even if you didn't) there's a commercial that's still being talked about, and that's the Dodge "God Made a Farmer" ad.


        In short, it's a poem recited by Paul Harvey 35 years ago about God's creation of farmers, which is in direct relation to buying a Dodge truck. I'm assuming they're referring to the Book of Jesus H. Chrysler, Chapter 10, Verse 11, which says "Thou shalt buy a Hemi to tow thy load." Which, as we all know, is in the New New Testament.
        Maybe it's because we're both city boys, but the two of us couldn't really relate to this commercial or this poem, so we wanted to make our own version. We give you...

"So God Made a Writer"

And on the eighth day, God looked down and said, "Holy shit, Twilight? Fifty Shades of Grey? Seriously, this is the pinnacle of quality storytelling in the world? We need to do something about that, NOW." So God made a writer.

God said, "I need someone who's driven to do what they do by alcohol, who stares alcoholism boldly in the face and says 'not today, cirrhosis of the liver; I've got a chapter to wrap up'." So God made a writer.



God said, "I need someone to wake up in the middle of the night with a brilliant story idea and then quickly forget it, who will beat themselves up mercilessly trying to remember this truly amazing idea only to realize days later that it was actually a very stupid idea." So God made a writer.

*Because it's 16 inches and weighs 8.4 lbs

God said, "I need someone to write with pure grace and elegance, to pen a story with charisma, and yet be the complete opposite in public gatherings. Someone who is hard to talk to and socially retarded. Because I have a deep fondness for irony." So God made a writer.



God said "I need someone to breathe life into the written word, only to watch it die in an Internet chat room full of 13 year olds saying things like 'u r teh nOObs!' and 'lulz wht a fagit'!" So God made a writer.


And that's why God made a writer. And spellcheck. And rubber underpants.

The end.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!
-B&B

Beer: Modelo Negro
Music: Johnny Cash

55 comments:

  1. HA! I could use some "drawing inspiration" right about now

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  2. I was completely enthralled with the "farmer" ad. It was beautifully shot & edited. Paul Harveys iconoclastic voice & words made it perfect. I didn't know where they were headed...at first. Az it continued, I guessed it would be a truck. I actually wrote a quick blog post on "Women of a Certain Age" in the midst of the game. Ad agencies counted on social media follow up.

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  3. What time is it? Half past beer.
    What does it mean? We need more beer, like we always do.

    The super bowl commercials tend to go hella viral, but half pf the time they don't make much sense. Can't say I really understand this one, either. Sure farmers are cool folks and all, but what does that have to do with cars? ):

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  4. I know what you mean as far as Twilight and 50 Shades are concerned. Sometimes, I think writing about things like leather bound books having kinky sex on the shelves would get me further than actually trying to tell a real story.

    "Someone who is hard to talk to and socially retarded." - soo true of me. Even worse, I think I navigate social environments rather well. This is my tragic flaw.

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  5. LOL, ILY U guyz. U R so Gr8t! (sadly, I had to look up some of those abreviations...cause I'm socially awkward online, too)

    This was awesome, loved it. The middle of the night one I can relate to completely. I have an idea, I forget it, I remember it, and then I'm puzzled.

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  6. Guys...I think your parody might be more accurate and certainly funnier than the original. The problem with the farm commercial is, it was talking about farmers that died of old age and over-work in the 1960's. While my hubby and I aren't technically farmers, we own a farm. Today's farmers buy tractors that have computers in there, Sirius radios and climate control. Combines that plant 48 rows at a time and the computer figures out the seed count and the depth. Sure the thing costs $600K but they need to get that crop done and get down to Florida by Feb. 1st.

    I am not saying that the farmer that farms our farm doesn't work hard, but if he worked as hard as that commercial implied, he'd be suing us for unfair working conditions.

    I do think farmers are super sexy though and the really cool ones don't drive Ram trucks they drive Ford F250s.

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  7. i liked the starbucks coffee there! I am not sure how farming is done in America but in my village we just needed a big tractor and then children...a lot of child labour, but it did me good really!

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    1. oh also when my parents where younger it was actually there "fun time" help farmers...awwh good old communism

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  8. LOL datz writ, gr8t pozt!

    If I had to type like that I'd go nuts, even more so haha. Too bad society, if you can call it that, laps up all the mind numbing crap by some silly sap. But always the way it is, as those 13 year olds think they are sooo cool.

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  9. This is freakin' hilarious as always. Love the Beer 30 clock, and Brandon's date obviously wasn't offended by those uber classy pick up lines.

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  10. That made me not want to buy a dodge even more.

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  11. Brilliant, as usual. You guys are so gifted to have such creative minds.

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  12. I'll (probably) be bock.

    But just wanted to say: Thanks for the great morning laugh! I needed this.

    Seriously... you guys keep getting funnier and funnier.
    I know it's YOU who be improving, because I just keep getting mo' and mo' dour.

    I saw the Super Bowl commercial when it aired. Your blog bit be bettah.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  13. Hmmmm...now I have the strangest urge to go buy a truck...

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  14. It's probably just me but lost it at "my hands smell like cheese". Probably had something to do with the fact that I'm eating string cheese while reading this.

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  15. ...and he made a damn good writer!

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  16. You have the words and the images.

    You just need someone with a voice like Paul Harvey to read this.

    Who could do that? Garrison Keillor is dead. Ken Nordine is apparently alive but really, really old...

    Morgan Freeman! Get him to read it! That guy will attach his name to anything... Play your cards right and he might even agree to appear in rubber underpants.

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  17. Having hands that smell like cheese seems like a pretty great positive to me.

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  18. This was well written guys. Great play off of the original poem.

    I grew up on a working farm and so the poem really touched me. It takes a particular type of person to do the job and not be broken by it. I do wish they hadn't dishonored the words by using them to sell a product. Fuck heads.

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  19. So that's why. I never knew. Guess I better hit up some of those chat rooms pronto. Sounds like you meet a real classy bunch there.

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  20. Look in the Dead Blog Scrolls and you will find my name. This is the word of the writer that God created...and thy will be done!

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  21. You guys jest but you are some of the best writers I know and are bringing back writing to the level it was always supposed to be. As in, so much better than Twilight and Fifty Shades. More like fifty shades of ghey, amirite?

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  22. Oh, MUCH less saccharine and MUCH better than the original about farmers. And "Jesus H. Chrysler" -- what an inspired pun!

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  23. God said, "I'm bored. I wonder if I can completely hault mankind's progression with a simple, distracting book." So he created Fifty Shades of Grey, and everyone was, like, super pissed and stuff.

    Bah, you guys are better at this stuff.

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  24. Bahahaha! That was great. Loved it. And I'm so guilty of having a note pad next to my bed, where I record all of those 3 am brilliant ideas. Only to read them the next morning and say to myself, WTF? This was SO awesome last night...

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  25. God made rubber underpants? I had no idea...

    That's the first of the ads I've seen.

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  26. Battleship: The Novel. You realize someone, somewhere IS writing that, don't you?

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  27. I've only seen one other ad, the atheists one. Upon seeing this one, I thought of how hilarious it'd be to put one right after the other.

    But it's a pretty terrible ad and has little relevance to what it's promoting. What would yours promote? Chocolate candies?

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  28. Hopefully that will be a Super Bowl commercial next year :)

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  29. Yours is perfect. The other is a bizarre, twisted, pathetic attempt by Dodge to increase sales. U guys R awesome.

    xoRobyn

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  30. I hate finally remembering an idea only to realize it's crap. So I just write everything down now, and the crapiness usually jumps out right away.
    Those overly sincerely down-home 'Merica ads drive me up the wall!!

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  31. This is amazing guys and really gave me a good laugh, weird attempt from Dodge but you guys destroy it haha!

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  32. Hahaha!!! As always, this was hilarious :D It kind of scares me that I can actually make sense of what those 13 year olds are saying. I already mourn the eventual loss of the written word...

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  33. I just realized that a lot of writers (published or not) are actually socially awkward, no matter how well they can string words together for a book. It really is pretty ironic though.

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  34. Ouch, that last one hit home for me a little bit.

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  35. >> . . . the Book of Jesus H. Chrysler, Chapter 10, Verse 11, which says "Thou shalt buy a Hemi to tow thy load."

    And that's the highlight of the Nude Test-a-mint.

    EVERYTHING seems so much less shitty at 3 o' clock in the morning, while the alcohol is still surging through thy veins.

    I've got a new nickname for Bryan:

    The Incredible Hurk

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  36. Inspiration... that's a good one. I'll be sure to use that the next time someone uses that cursed "A" word about me! :)

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  37. God made a lazy, depraved blogger.
    There were other bloggers who were all about self-promotion with content coming second.
    They had a thousand badges on their blog, joined every 20-50 year old blogging group, and followed more blogs than you can flog with a petrified pelican.
    So God created the lazy blogger with a penchant for hilarious satire with potty-humor leaning.
    God created the...oh shit, sorry, I have to vomit, I drank too much beer...

    I think I'm...I'm...Oh no, here comes the crab dip...

    Holy lord, please turn off the vomit spigot. It won't stop. I'm out of food...Oh no, not the omelet I had for breakfast...

    God, please, please, don't make any more regurgitation. I'm all...I'm all o...I'm all out...No...Please...No...Oh God NO...

    That's it, God. That was all bile. All stomach acid. No more, please. STOP MAKING GOD! STOP IT! NOOOOO....

    I'm eating now. I'm eating so I'll have something to vomit. I've already set my bathroom aflame so I don't have to clean it. What hell hath God wrought? Thus is why I blog, in defiance of the...Oh no, here we go again...

    [Voice over: "And the creature vomited for three more days. Without ceasing, without sleep. The vomit covered all the creature held dear until there was nothing left. Until the creature was forced to start over. God destroyed the person to recreate the blogger. Hey, how about driving a Chrysler?}

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  38. This wouldn't be so funny if you guys weren't so great! I've had dates more boring than Brandon's, though.

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  39. "I need someone to write with pure grace and elegance, to pen a story with charisma, and yet be the complete opposite in public gatherings. Someone who is hard to talk to and socially retarded. Because I have a deep fondness for irony."
    Oh my fucklord the pain you have caused! STOP! NO!
    DON'T REMIND ME!

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  40. I'm back! I might have missed a post or two in the past, er, couple of years.

    And yes, Battleship: The Novel. I think I have a copy on my bookshelf. It's right next to my script for Solitaire. It's gonna be huge.

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  41. Thanks be to Jesus for creating rubber underpants!!

    disclaimer: In no way do I support the notion that Jesus actually made rubber underpants or that he exists. But I do believe in the spaghetti monster.

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  42. Hey guys! Couldn't find an email. Dug your comment at Andrew's about blogging dying. Can I quote you for my post on Monday?

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  43. I thought the farmer ad was awesome!

    I'm so glad I'm not the only one who wakes up in the middle of night with outlandish story ideas. Sunlight has a way of making them seem a bit ridiculous.

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  44. YES, YES!! (I yell as I throw back another shot.)

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  45. Yep, even though I know it's completely pointless to argue with people online I still do it. ._.

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  46. Fantastic! I love the details in this post, i.e. it being Beer-Dark-30 in the bar, the Starbucks baby mug, which would have been lost on me without the footnote, etc. Great stuff as usual from your blog. When are the two of you going to get a medal for doing this?

    The Dodge farmer ad did give everyone in the room with me a good laugh during the big game this year.

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  47. VERY funny. It's good to know that I'm not the only writer dependent on alcohol. Next time in Denver, I'll buy you guys a beer or two, maybe at the Rock Bottom, unless that's where only the tourist hang out, in which case, it's free beer, you shouldn't be so damn picky. SH*T, you frickin' superior writer types. Damn!

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  48. It's a shame that all the non-writers (*ahem Stephanie Meyer* **HACK HACK EL James**) are making so much damn money. I don't know when it became ok to reward imbeciles for making thousands of people stupider with their written word.

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  49. It could be the narcotics I've taken, but I don't get why this ad took so much heat. I thought for sure Beyonce saying that she like's to get some loving before performances that would be the talk of the interbut. Knowing she was probably up there on stage sloshing around Jay-z's little swimmers while she was dancing makes every part of that show more offensive.

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  50. To answer your question: Because 13-year old brats deserve to have their realities shattered.

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