Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Little Shop of Hoors


          Recently our friend Rachel over at When a Lion Sleeps held a contest where the winner got a venus flytrap. Defying all odds, I entered and won, bringing my venus flytrap total to 2. See, I'm quite the green thumb, and I'm also a huge fan of meat eating plants. What, plants eat meat too? That's right PETA, so fuck off.

Heeeelp meeeee

"My flytrap brings all the flies to the yard, and they're like, little green carnivores. They'd eat you, but they're not so large..."

         Now that I was officially a contest winner, I was on top of the world. My green thumb knew no bounds. So Brandon and I decided to open a plant shop. But there was only one problem. We disagreed on what kind of plants we should grow and sell.


So in the spirit of cooperativeness, we agreed to sell both. And we opened up our brand new shop.




But we quickly ran into a problem. The fly traps were always hungry.

I wonder how many of our younger readers will get that joke.
And soon, they were eating our weed. A lot of it...



...and soon, the plants were addicted. All of that marijuana was giving them a nasty case of the munchies and they just grew hungrier and hungrier, which made them aggressive toward customers.



Which was leaving our customers unhappy.



But I was a bit in denial, so Brandon had to stage an intervention.




So we had to kill the plants and close up shop. I guess I'll stick to small flytraps, like the baby flytrap that Rachel sent me. I mean, how much trouble could I get into with this little guy?


Right now he's practically helpless, so I guess life can just go back to the way it was, no real harm having been done.



Oh, and as promised to Rachel, part of my terms and conditions for winning the contest was to post a picture of the flytrap with a top hat and monocle. Well, the one she sent is too small, so here's my big guy looking as classy as ever. Apparently he's also a smoker, but a classy smoker. You know, the kind that gets the classy kind of lung cancer.


Any carnivorous plant fans here? Would you ever have one in your household? What happened to Rick Moranis, anyway?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon's dessicated corpse)

Music: Van She
Beer: Negra Modelo

40 comments:

  1. I don't want to bring down the party, but since you asked multiple times: Rick Moranis's wife died so he quit acting to raise his kids, occasionally doing "Honey I ___ the Kids" straight to DVD movies for extra cash.
    Also, I never realized if you just took out the "shrunk" and leave it blank, a lot of dirty things could fit in that space. And yeah, man, bed does look like a bed...awesome.

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  2. Very cool! I've never owned a plant I didn't kill immediately. The grief from killing a venus fly trap would be just too great for me. I'd have to have a plant funeral and everything.

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  3. That is one very classy looking venus flytrap. Sadly everything I've ever tried to grow has died. I think I need to stick to cacti. They also have their uses though, I can throw them at annoying people. I think some kind of sentient, hyper intelligent, flytrap on weed would be a pretty bad thing you should probably kill pretty quickly.

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  4. Brandon is always the one who ends up getting eaten and turned into a zombie!

    I love Pitcher Plants too - there are some really massive ones that digest small mammals =O

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  5. Now I want a venus flytrap and I want one right now!! I just told my daughter we were getting one and she doesn't want it because "it kills flies" so that means I will have it by the end of the day for sure!

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    1. Since when is killing flies a bad thing? My summer was awesome because of that...

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  6. It's sad but I had to google Rick Moranis :( I love venus fly traps. I have had two but I don't have any luck with them. They always end up dying. I don't know what I do wrong, but perhaps I didn't feed them enough human flesh...

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  7. Woah, the word "bed" does look like a bed. Damn, I will never unsee this now.

    I've always wanted a venus flytrap. Do you have to hand feed them flies? Or do all the bugs in your house just flock to the thing?

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    1. They secrete a sweet kind of nectar that attracts flies. The flies get too close, and chomp. No need to hand feed. They truly just take care of themselves. In fact, if you overfeed them (by hand feeding them a bunch of bugs all in a row), you can damage the plant.

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  8. Holy crap, bed does look like a bed...that's deep man. You're right it does look like Satan's asshole, not that I would know...

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  9. Every Canadian knows who Rick Moranis is! Pickleope is right about him retiring from acting. But apparently a couple of years ago, he released a CD of country songs that he wrote and performed himself. True story. Don't know how well it sold, though.

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  10. Sadly the cat would prob try and eat it. Fly trap vs the cat, my money is on the cat haha Rick Moranis retired to raise his kids, but they are all older now, so he could come back.

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  11. I will never own a flytrap if it's going to eat my stash of weed!

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  12. Seriously...you guys are brilliant. While I thought that post was hysterical, the by- product of having the Kelis song rotating around in my brain is unfortunate.

    "My flytrap brings all the flies to the yard, and they're like, little green carnivores. They'd eat you, but they're not so large..."

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  13. I felt all young there for a second until I googled his name and realized everything all at once. Feels older than I am. Great.

    I want one! When I was a little kid I almost got my finger stuck in one. That was interesting.

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  14. When did pot become legal in Colorado? I guess I live under a rock...or just New Jersey.

    "Oh sheeeet you dun eat my good weave!" had me LMAO over here.

    Sadly, I kill every plant I come in contact with. No green thumb for me. But I think meat eating plants are pretty amazing. And poor sad Rick Moranis, what ever did become of him?

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  15. From the looks of that picture you have your flytrap dangerously close to a open outlet. I don't want to tell you how to take care of your plants but I had a cactus once that got electrocuted when it stuck it's monocle in an outlet.

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  16. I have no idea who Rick Moranis is guys but this post still made me have a good hearty laugh so there's no harm done there I reckon. Congratulations on the big win, in all honesty I think I agree a pot selling business would definitely be the more lucrative one but it's fine to have a soft spot for the carnivore fly trap too!

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  17. This is an incredibly insensitive blog post for the millions of us who have lost loved ones to venus fly traps.

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  18. Best of both worlds; cross pollinate the pot and the Venus fly traps and create a species that could potentially allow the stoner to get high whilst sharing a meal with someone - it's the perfect antidote for all those lonely potheads out there xx

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  19. A "Little Shop of Hoors" joke would be inappropriate without mentioning Moranis... but didn't he retire in the 90s? What's sad is that his career died after his wife died. He just couldn't continue doing it.

    I don't like plants in general. Don't get me wrong, Venus Flytraps are badass, but I'm too selfish for that kind of responsibility.

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  20. No fly traps in this house, our street is already so full of pot smokers there is a pungent haze outside at times

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  21. We had a really cool fly trap until shortly before we moved. Something (a bird, probably, trying to drink from its water bowl) knocked it off of the patio railing, and it never recovered. It was saddening. I liked it.

    As for the contest, you can write it in any style you want to. It's one of those things to be interpreted by the author. So, you know, go for it.

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  22. ::dies laughing:: Dudes he went on to star in the epic of all epic movies after this! SPACE BALLS!

    I still love Little Shop of Horrors haha.

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  23. A Venus Fly Trap with the munchies? I think you guys have the premise for your next book! :)

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  24. ""My flytrap brings all the flies to the yard, and they're like, little green carnivores. They'd eat you, but they're not so large..."

    Annnnnd I think I've wet myself.

    I'd get one but I'd worry about my cat trying to eat it. That would be interesting...

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  25. That is awesome! Maybe Mr. RK wants one to make up for the fact that I am now a vegan. If only they could grow and target the humans we wanted them to target...namely the Republican party?

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  26. This is probably my favorite post ever from you guys. I'm so happy that the baby plant got there. Your other plant baby is so much bigger! And quite classy. I'm sure that the little one will learn from it and they'll be the classiest meat eating plants out there.

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  27. Sadly, I was impressed by bed looks like a bed.

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  28. I'm impressed that you can keep these things alive. Mine always died. ._.

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  29. BEER BOYS OF THE BATHROOM ~
    Rachel wrote: "This is probably my favorite post ever from you guys."

    I wouldn't necessarily say it's my "favorite", but it's definitely amongst my favorites. This was some flying dope, Boys!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  30. Your every post is an entertaining production, and that's one classy Venus Fly Trap.

    The only plants that survive in my care are plastic ones.

    xoRobyn

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  31. Did you give the fly traps growth hormones? those were some ginarmous green things.....

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  32. I had a venus and it died. I guess it wasn't that good at being a predator. Also, I'm pretty sure Ricky got ate by one of those bad boys in that movie, that I totally didn't see because I'm far too young! :P

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  33. No carnivorous plants in this house, I would most likely kill it. My kids however know exactly who Rick Moranis is and all about that wonderful classic movie. We have it on DVD.
    Your flytraps look a little like Triffords too.

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  34. Totally hilarious!!! I love Rick Moranis, especially as Dark Helmet in Spaceballs, one of my all-time favourite movies :)

    Never noticed before, but the word "bed" does indeed look like a bed... kind of freaky. Lol!!

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  35. 'oh sheert, you dun ate my good weave'. Oh my lord, I cracked up at that!

    And I loved the little plant that's in love with Bryan :)

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  36. I'm always late to the party, I so wanted to be the one to tell the tale of Rick Moranis and his woes. I think he's a pretty awesome father though. Yet another reason why there can never be another Ghost Buster movie. Most people think that without Bill Murray it shouldn't be made. I say without Rick it shouldn't be made. Either way, general consensus, it shouldn't be made.

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  37. Please don't just assume that I am high when you read this, but one of the greatest revelations I have had in a while is the fact that the word "bed" actually does look like a bed. Thank you so much for this.

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