Amazing, right? Hundreds of millions of years of evolution have brought us to this, the ultimate collection of humanity's recorded feats. Sure, there are some truly amazing records like the world's fastest runner, or the world's oldest living person (115 years old), but for every one of those, there are at least ten records like the world's fastest 100 meter hurdle wearing nothing but swim flippers, or the farthest distance milk can be squirted through someone's nose, or the fastest motorized toilet. No, seriously (link).
So we posed the question, to become a world record holder, do you really need to be exceptional? Or do you just need to do something really stupid that no one else is willing to do and call it a 'world record?'
Well, the fact of the matter is that we're not above that, so in that same spirit we decided to set a few astounding Guinness World Records of our own...
1) The Most Gorilla Toenails Collected By a Man Doing Backflips While Skydiving Over the Pacific Ocean
That's right, friends. Backflips. Just when you thought you'd seen it all, we're proud to present to you this mighty aerial dance between man and silverback. And sure, the gorilla may have lost all use of his spine in the process, but it was worth it because now Brandon officially holds the record (2.5 bloody toenails!).
Afterthought: we probably should have packed a parachute for the gorilla, too. Live and learn, though, right?
2) The Most Consecutive Hours of "The Nanny" Endured While Eating Thumbtacks and Writing Haiku Poetry
The badassedness is pretty well self-explanatory here. All three of these things are sadistically unbearable, and when combined, require a superhuman amount of mental stamina to endure. Total consecutive hours for this record? One. Getting your throat stabbed by thumbtacks is one thing, but getting your ears stabbed by Fran Drescher's machine-gun laughter is more than any man can bear.
3) Most Sperm Milked From Whales Double-Handed While Playing The Star Spangled Banner on a Kazoo Played by Rectum
|The secret is to just pretend you're skiing|
What record would you set if you had no shame?
Cheers and stay classy, folks!
Beer: Monkshine Belgian Style Blonde
Music: Albert King