Monday, January 28, 2013

Setting World Records

Welcome, folks! Today's post is inspired by a commercial we saw yesterday promoting the new season of the TV show Guinness World Records, which features such amazing world records like the man who can crush the most walnuts with his anus. A hallmark of human achievement, to be sure. Or how about this guy, who set the standard for blowing bubbles with a tarantula in his mouth? (Skip to 3:10 for the, er, good part.)


Amazing, right? Hundreds of millions of years of evolution have brought us to this, the ultimate collection of humanity's recorded feats. Sure, there are some truly amazing records like the world's fastest runner, or the world's oldest living person (115 years old), but for every one of those, there are at least ten records like the world's fastest 100 meter hurdle wearing nothing but swim flippers, or the farthest distance milk can be squirted through someone's nose, or the fastest motorized toilet. No, seriously (link).

So we posed the question, to become a world record holder, do you really need to be exceptional? Or do you just need to do something really stupid that no one else is willing to do and call it a 'world record?'

Well, the fact of the matter is that we're not above that, so in that same spirit we decided to set a few astounding Guinness World Records of our own...

1) The Most Gorilla Toenails Collected By a Man Doing Backflips While Skydiving Over the Pacific Ocean



That's right, friends. Backflips. Just when you thought you'd seen it all, we're proud to present to you this mighty aerial dance between man and silverback. And sure, the gorilla may have lost all use of his spine in the process, but it was worth it because now Brandon officially holds the record (2.5 bloody toenails!).

Afterthought: we probably should have packed a parachute for the gorilla, too. Live and learn, though, right?

2) The Most Consecutive Hours of "The Nanny" Endured While Eating Thumbtacks and Writing Haiku Poetry



The badassedness is pretty well self-explanatory here. All three of these things are sadistically unbearable, and when combined, require a superhuman amount of mental stamina to endure. Total consecutive hours for this record? One. Getting your throat stabbed by thumbtacks is one thing, but getting your ears stabbed by Fran Drescher's machine-gun laughter is more than any man can bear.

3) Most Sperm Milked From Whales Double-Handed While Playing The Star Spangled Banner on a Kazoo Played by Rectum

The secret is to just pretend you're skiing

Of course my mom is proud of me, because no other man on the planet has done this before. Except me. Which makes me a world record holder worthy of attention and praise and awards... right? RIGHT? DO I MATTER YET???

What record would you set if you had no shame?

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Monkshine Belgian Style Blonde
Music: Albert King

49 comments:

  1. Wow, I don't know if I could beat the whale hand job kazoo record. But I am the world record holder for the longest time spent being sodomized by a Sasquatch. The secret: keep talking about baseball and Sassy (my pet name for him) will hold out as long as possible.

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  2. Wait, how do they come up with records? Can you just make things up for reals? I'm the world's fastest kitten jogger, then.

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  3. i don't even know what to say to the last one. Also I am ashamed to admit I was part of a world record a few years ago... it involved space-hoppers!

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  4. I like the little look of dismay he has at 3:10. He actually gives a glimpse of disappointment when he messes up the bubble blowing technique, like it would have hurt his changes of breaking the non-existing world record.

    Anyway, if I ever become rich. I'd devote my time to beating the most absurd records set by other people. That'd make them so pissed. "You mean someone broke my record for most Taco Bell Cheese Roll-Ups Eaten Under The Pressure of 47 Blankets. How?!"

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  5. I can't believe they still make that show. I was watching it maybe ten years ago and you're right. A lot of them really tend to be stupid things no one else would do, ever. If I had no shame I'd probably try and break the world record for most cats owned by one person. Then again I don't really need a lack of shame for that one.

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  6. So many of them are sooo stupid. Man de-evolves more with each one. But hey may as well join them if you can make a buck and make your mom proud haha I would do 100 stupid things and then for 101 have the record for the most stupid records.

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  7. This has inspired me. My plan is coming together:

    1. Find a bunch of these pre-existing meaningless records like "Most times hopping on one foot while wearing a green shirt and singing Strangers in the Night."

    2. Wait until the record holder is close to his death bed and beat the records, making the holder feel as though he's wasted his life.

    3. ?

    4. Profit!

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  8. "The secret is to just pretend you're skiing." That line is pure gold, man. GOLD!

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  9. HOW in the world do you get so bored with your life you decide to break a record by putting a freakign taratula in your mouth and then blow bubbles? What the heck-I will be tortured by tarantula/bubble blowing nightmares forever now...eck!

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  10. The guy in the video should take the record for being the weirdest Guinness record holder as well...although sadly if I read the list there are probably a shit load of other weirdos doing disgusting things, as well.

    As for me...no idea what record I could break. It won't be trying to break any of your records though. Especially, listening to Fran Drescher. That would just be torturous.

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  11. It does make you ponder, what isn't considered a world record. I guess if you can dream it, you can break it.

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  12. Haha I'm pretty sure the ridiculous world records are only there because the institution doesn't want a lawsuit from a crazy... but you know The Fran Drescher one... HOW.... HOW DID YOU DO IT?! So many balls you must have!

    And about your comment on my blog, I agree and the past few days I'm just sticking to vegetarian with vitamins and dairy to make up for the protein. I think I realize now being vegan is not only impractical but dangerous (if not approached with caution). There are different ways of protesting animal cruelty as you said and less meat might be better. Or at least, less consumption of meat from those big corporations who allow for this abuse.

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  13. I hold the world record for most times my wife has threatened to divorce me. True story. She's at it again!

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  14. Poor tarantula, must've been terrible in there.
    But yeah, you couldn't be more right, there's so many shitty world records out there. Hell, you could probably get anything published in the Guinness World Records if you want. Ridiculous, and all that for a few minutes of fame and other shit we don't really need and shouldn't want.

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  15. Those all sound like a lot of work. Possibly, could you come up with some, for the more energetically challenged among us? Possibly involving imbibing beer in large quantities, for instance.

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  16. Well, your examples are gross but in keeping with the walnut/anus thingie so I guess not out of the realm of possibility.

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  17. Oy! Who does that with spiders?!! And whyyyyy exactly is this a worthy record? I'm going to now hold the record for how many times one person can stab themselves in the eyes without dying!

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  18. Damn, you guys have the best idea.

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  19. This really made me laugh guys but the walnut and blowing bubbles things are just weird, I have no idea how these guys dream up these kind of things, I wouldn't even consider it myself in all honesty haha.

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  20. Wow, I just I don't have it in me to deal with that.

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  21. I just don't have that kind of imagination. :)

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  22. Y'all are some sick fucks. And I say that will love and affection.

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  23. The most drool over Russell Brand in one hour? I need some mental bleach from the whale thing now!

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  24. Dressed as Simon Cowell, I plan to do a headstand while picking my nose, reading 50 Shades in Turkish, eating a polish sausage, and lip syncing the national anthem to Beyonce's voice.

    I hope Brandon's hearing has recovered. Fran bugs the crap outta me too.

    xoRobyn

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  25. How does one get one's anus in shape for walnut crushing? There must be some sphincter exercises involved, but if you lost a walnut while practicing that could get real ugly.

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  26. Are you sure Steve-o hasn't attempted that whale milking feat yet? Wasn't that on Wildboyz or something?
    I plan to watch a marathon of the bachelorette while in a small room with 10 burrito eating Somoans with farting problems

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  27. Most hours alive as myself. They have to put that one in the book. Nobody can beat me on that one.

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  28. "... like the man who can crush the most walnuts with his anus."

    That's a skill you'd want to tell everyone about on your first day in prison.

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  29. I'm the first man under the age of 16 to have short hair... I guess.

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  30. I am hoping to attain the world record for "most uses of a phone book despite having a smart phone"

    6

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  31. I simply couldn't bring myself to watch Ray place Irwin in his mouth -- this is the stuff of my nightmares!! I'm fairly certain this isn't what the original Guiness World Records folks first envisioned...

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  32. Dammit, you beat me to it. I had this idea the other day. I'm gonna have to wait awhile before I do my post.

    I will build the fastest motorized urinal.

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  33. I have to wonder about people's sanity with this stuff. My goal is to never ever ever try to set a world record that would be anything gross or deadly. Or at all. That would take too much work.

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  34. You cheater! I'm pretty sure you can't wrap your entire hand over a whale penis!

    Unless you have really big hands that is.

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  35. It seems that a decade ago the Guinness Book of World Records ran out of things to publish, so they decided to tell any weirdo with a shitty idea to set a world record.

    I thought the best thing I ever saw was a guy who set the world record for the most number of bras unhooked in a minute. Such a clever bastard. Imagine the number of women he fooled into showing him their boobs. Now THAT is the crux of human evolution.

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  36. I don't even have the words to express my shock and awe!

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  37. When I can't sleep tonight, I'm totally blaming you guys! That video is going to give me nightmares. Even knowing what I was going to see, I still felt compelled to watch the damn thing crawl out of his mouth. UUGGHH!!

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  38. I'm in an extremely boring meeting right now, so I would like to set a world record for most blogs read, while appearing to be answering emails on my phone.

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  39. Absolutely fantastic/horrible drawing of whale jizz face. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit over that one.

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  40. What's the world record for obtaining the least amount of world records? I would like to go for that one.

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  41. I should have suspected you had mommy issues. I'm a little concerned it took asking if your mom was proud of you setting the record for collecting whale sperm for me to realize it. I'm losing my touch.

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  42. badassedness . You got it in every single post

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  43. Makes you wonder how someone discovers they have those 'talents' - i.e. 'stupid human tricks.'
    I want to be one to reach the end of NetFlix the fastest. I'm well on my way...

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  44. I got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe because nothing I could say would ever compare this blog post.lol You guys are nuts.

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  45. I'm sorry, my creative brain was murdered with the milking of the whale spooge. I could set a record for the most times having broken the same toe? I bet everyone has broken a toe repeatedly. I have no talent!!!

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  46. I've done most of the things in the third one. The only difference was that I used a trumpet instead of a kazoo.

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