Monday, January 14, 2013

Reviews Save Lives

Hi, folks. Today, we'd like to take a break from your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a public service announcement. You see, we'd like to talk to you about the importance of Amazon book reviews.








So we'll tell you how. Through ratings and reviews. But ratings and reviews don't just happen on accident. No, those happen because of people just like YOU!




You see, Amazon "ranks" everything, which means depending on how they rank a book, it'll be more likely or less likely to be shown to someone who's looking for books to buy. These book rankings are made up of a very complex algorithm that deals with purchases, the number of reviews, and review quality.




Okay, so let's break it down.

1) Reviews are crucial for our rankings. It helps not only to write a review, but to +1 the reviews that you liked. Reviews are NOT for our egos. Well, if they're flattering, they'll make us feel all warm and squishy inside, but the more cold hard truth is that the more decent, honest ratings our book has, the more it appeals to random people shopping for a good book and the more Amazon promotes it in their marketing algorithms.

2) The # of stars does not matter. Mostly. Obviously, a ton of one star ratings will tell people it's a real piece of crap, but hey, if that's what you really think about it, we fully respect your opinion. Just don't be surprised if Bryan cuts the brake lines on your car next week. But, kidding aside, it's your honest opinion that matters.

Would you buy a book with reviews like this? Because I wouldn't touch that book with a 10 foot pole.

3) Rating/reviewing is FREE - it costs you nothing and only helps us. In fact, you don't even have to "buy" a copy of our e-books to leave a rating. For example, if you've read a single one of the Slim Dyson short stories (available in our archives), you can leave a rating in good conscience, since it's a book of short stories. And, if you haven't yet read any of our previously posted free chapters, all you have to do is read one. You can read one right here. Just leave us a quick 2 sentence review and let us know what you thought about the writing style and the humor.

4) Our opinions don't count. No, really, they don't. As Amazon authors, we can't review other authors' work, and vice versa. Amazon will automatically delete them, which makes it so hard to get reviews, even just from other authors. And frankly, it's a big kick in the sack to hear our opinions don't mean squat. That's why YOUR opinion is so important to us.




So, if you've got an Amazon.com account and two free minutes, please leave a review for any or all of our books. It helps our books get into the hands of those who truly might enjoy them. And if you can, +1 the reviews that you like and -1 the ones that you don't like. To do this, just click YES or NO at the end of the review where it asks, "Did this review help you?" Believe it or not, this helps our rankings, too, and it helps random users see which reviews are more thoughtful and which are just trollish garbage (we get those too).


Lastly, at the top of the book's title, there's a section where you can LIKE it. If you can, please LIKE our books. This has nothing to do with Facebook. This won't post on your Wall and let ol' Zuck steal more of your hard earned personal information, but it will help our rankings by showing Amazon that our writing is appreciated.


Our books:

The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson

Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas

The Missing Link

Demetri and the Banana Flavored Rocketship (by Bryan only)

Chasing the Sandman (by Brandon only)

So here they are, and again, we thank you for any bit of support you can offer us, even if it's just a quick LIKE and a +1 on your favorite review. Without this help, we're just another Lester, trapped in the broom closet, accepting the unwanted advances of our creepy gym coach, Uncle Amazon, as he continues to push us down to the bottom. Don't let us be a Lester. Nobody wants to be a Lester. Especially Lester.


Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Breckenridge Vanilla Porter
Music: The Lumineers

43 comments:

  1. Sure, will do, but be rest assured the phrase "rape closet" will work its way in there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Amazon, you confusing math-y bastard.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As bad as I feel for Lester, how does he keep getting out of that rape closet? I know how much them reviews mean to you, so I shall see what I can do, and try not to sound like I'm telling people to buy your books because I like them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, that is because I like you. I want people to think I like the books. Because I do.

      Delete
    2. We probably should have put a lock on the rape closet prior to investing in said rape closet. It just wasn't in the 2013 fiscal budget, which is... well, $0.

      Delete
  4. OK I whored myself out a bit..no wait..I ...uh...any way, I did things to your books on Amazon that they liked!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Phew! Glad I did my review already!

    This post reminded me of that scene in Johnny Dangerously, what was it, um, "Your Testicles and You" - this was great!

    I don't want to see you guys become a Lester - go review everyone!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very interesting...I had to stop and go over to the Amazon to hit all the likes. My review will be coming soon.

    As for the review in your post...I would totally buy a book with that review. Seriously if someone told me to buy a gawddamn book for their friend, I would probably check it out. My threshold for being talked into buying something is fairly low.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'll go and hit like on the ones I haven't indeed and do the tags, but stupid amazon won't let me review anymore, deletes them as you say, dicks!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Will do! They should let authors review stuff though, it would be nice to comment on things other authors write.

    ReplyDelete
  9. So, let me get this straight. I get put in the rape closet if I don't review the books, or is it if I do? Or is it inevitable that I'll be put in the rape closet? Where is this rape closet, first of all?

    ReplyDelete
  10. As soon as I take down the Christmas tree this week and have a bit of time, I'll head over to Amazon!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well gosh darnit! I didn't plan on writing any reviews today but I need the brakes on my car! I might like the rape closet though!

    I will try to get my review up soon, you shameless bastards!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Rape closet or review....? This is a tough one, I might have to eenie meenie miney moe...or maybe flip a quarter...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well, I guess I can muster the energy to push a few keys for you guys, but what about Lester? I really think he should write Dr. Phil, he's the only one who can help him...maybe...Now about you, since I'm scratching your back, cyber speaking that is, what are you going to do for me? Shall I send you the link to the Tiffany's site I was browsing?....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ugh I am so upset with myself because I still don't have the money to buy your book! And I really want to!!!!!!! This is what happens when you lose your job...

    By the way I missed you guys and thanks for the welcome back! Reading your last post (Kicking Fairy Tail) was like a breath of fresh, sarcastic air. Loving it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I guess it's a long shot to think George Clooney is in the rape closet hey? Better get busy on my review.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's your rape closet, so if you want Clooney in there, go for it. Just don't forget to bring the Viagra. Apparently sexual assault turns some guys off.

      Delete
  16. Love the sex ed film angle you went with here.

    I'm an old hand at Amazon reviews. Some of the first things I ever posted on the internet were Amazon reviews. Some of my best friends are amazon reviews!

    I'll see what I can do.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Nice "subtle" reminder, boys... I'll get on it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm going to have to go and chuck you guys a review or two because nobody wants to be like Lester in the broom closet which is totally just intended for brooms and nothing else right? I loved the coach character, it's a shame that his coaching opinion isn't that relevant considering his measly salary but I get the point he's trying to make, it's time to get rating. Great post guys, made me laugh even harder than the usual stuff which is saying something.

    ReplyDelete
  19. On it! It won't be the first time I got someone out of the closet though!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Man, I'm beginning to hate that little "like" button. I mean, how hard is that to click when you're over downloading the book? And, yet, I can't seem to get people to click it. Maybe I should take that to mean something? No, I'm pretty sure it's just people, but it drives me crazy!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Okay then seeing as you asked so nicely!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I noticed your images don't have alt attributes (html). You may want to put the text in the image into the alt text of your images for those readers who, for one reason or another, can't load/view images. ;D

    Anyway, I would've hoped you'd gone into a tad more detail of the underlying mechanics of the evil that is Amazon's ranking system. It's kind of like the evil that is Google though, you're going to have a hard time climbing up. ):
    I'll see if I can mess around with (in a positive way) the reviews and whatnot for you guys. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the heads up! I'll check out the alt text thing.

      As for Amazon, I wish we could tell you more, but what we put here is about all we know. Amazon's fairly secretive about their algorithm, so most of what we know is either from trial/error or what's been reported by other authors.

      Delete
  23. I've done my part! The writing is great so it wasn't hard.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Augh, I am so sorry, I keep meaning to do this! Will do it now.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I guess I'll have to buy your books now if I want to stay out of the rape closet... as you've entertained me so much this month I'll get onto that asap xx

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hey guys, You're doing pretty good with reviews. Congrats! I 'liked' your books. Keep it goin'.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sorry I'm late boys, things are hectic right now. I'll write a review before I go to sleep tonight. I didn't know that liking other peoples reviews had an impact on anything.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hi guys, I know the importance of reviews and review every book I read (unless it's crap that was written by a friend. I'm not a kindle owner so I can't down load your books. But I will go do some plussing and liking for ya.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  29. I did my part. More than 2 minutes but I wasn't doing anything tonight anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I haven't read the books yet, since I don't have enough memory on my laptop to buy them. (I'm going to get a kindle eventually and I'll read all of your books and write the best comments ever for taking so long.) But I'll go like a bunch of comments and stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  31. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I read this entire thing with the terrible static and horrible voice recording of that era...

    ReplyDelete
  33. I have to check because I thought that I left a review for TML but wouldn't be surprised if my scatterbrain didn't (or did it wrong which is more likely). I know I didn't Like it though because I never even noticed that until you pointed it out (my observation skillz are up) so I'll definitely do that.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Okay, I checked the likes. Don't tell me to jump off a bridge or anything--that's where I'll draw the line.

    Lee
    Wrote By Rote

    ReplyDelete
  35. All those fancy algorithms. All high class and stuff! :) So important! It's mind boggling.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Love the black and white PSA. I hope the message gets out. I haven't been "like"ing things, so I need to start doing that. I'm not a published Amazon author, YET I've had several reviews deleted. I should start posting BS ones, because those appear to stay. Murg.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

    ReplyDelete
  37. Oh man, I haven't even bought the book yet, but I really wanted to so I could find out what happens to Slim! I'm doing it tonight and will squeeze in a review, too :)

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Powered by Blogger.