Monday, January 7, 2013

No Really, ANYONE Can Write a Book

          It's no secret that anyone can write a novel, but we wondered just how many people truly realized this fact. Every single day novels ranging from "literary masterpiece" to "verbal diarrhea" are being churned out, and not just by regular folks like you and I. No, they're also being written by celebrities, and these aren't just tell-all autobiographies, they're works of fiction, too. We wondered if any of these celebrities had genuine talent, or if their books simply were bought up by huge publishing houses just because they're famous.
          Well, I think we already know the answer. But to truly and objectively find out, the two of us sat down over the weekend and read some of these celebrity fiction novels.



          Each character has a ridiculous name that looks like it came out of a drunken game of Boggle: Ci~L, Theophilus, Zarpessa Zarionneax, and of course the main character, Tookie de la Creme, who has a sister named Myrracle and a mother named Creamy. Creamy. And she's not a French porn star, either. The plot, which is a direct ripoff of Harry Potter, is laughable. But what's worse is just how seriously Tyra takes this novel. At over 500 pages (and the first in a trilogy), this is a huge chunk of word vomit. And listening to her talk about it is like listening to Kanye West explain what a "motha-fuckin' JEE-nyus" he is.


          "And then Tookie put on the sash of magic modelling powers that she got from a doctor with rollerskates for feet and it helped her avoid the man-eating monster made of nothing but musical instruments." No, this isn't the ramblings of a 5 year old on a sugar high (Axe Cop, anyone?), this is Tyra Banks' Modelland, where pulling anything out of your ass is considered 'brilliant.'
           Don't believe us? Read an excerpt. Yes, this actually happened, and no, it has nothing to do with the story whatsoever.


         Genius, Tyra. Pure genius. Who said all supermodels were dumb, right?


            For those of you fortunate enough to not know her, Lauren Conrad was the star of that awful reality show The Hills, where she and her friends... stood around being rich and beautiful? There wasn't a whole lot more to it than that. And so, much like an episode of The Hills, this book has very little substance.


             Rife with bad writing and a plot that doesn't even start for 100 pages, these are truly the ramblings of a blonde girl. At least someone at Random House edited it. I bet the original had 20 "likes" every page. Like, Jane was like, a reality star, right? And like, wow. So like... chyeah, Inorite?


             Did your heart melt a little? Mine's practically a puddle!


          That's right. James Franco. That guy who's in those dozens of memorable movies that you may have seen, but for some reason just can't recall the name of. He wrote a collection of short stories that is so godawful that Publishers Weekly called it an "overall failure." I'm sure he'd like to think it's just because his literary depth is so simple it's misunderstood. What do you think?




          It goes to show that just because you can play the same angsty young James Dean character in any movie Hollywood throws at you without breaking a sweat, doesn't mean you're qualified to write fiction. But it does mean if you write something, a dying publishing house will snarf it up without thinking twice. In fact, despite the declaration of this short story collection as being the literary equivalent to dogshit, Mr. Franco has an actual novel being released soon. Just stew on that for a moment.

          So what's the point of all of this, you may ask? To rag on celebrities for getting million dollar contracts? No, actually, the point is that truly anyone can write a book. We know a lot of friends and acquaintances and readers alike that all want to write a novel, but for some reason just haven't done it yet. So as the new year begins, ask yourself, why haven't you started it? Or if you've started it but stalled out, why haven't you finished it? Seriously, if James Franco can write a book while stoned off his mind filming his fifth movie of the year, and Tyra Banks can write a 500 page fantasy novel between bullying a bunch of twiggy bimbos on a catwalk, then you can too. But herein lies the difference: you have the potential to write something better than this crap. The only way we're going to stop clogging the toilet with more literary logs is if we write something actually worth reading.
           Fellow writers, what are you waiting for? Get to it. I know we are.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Modelo

57 comments:

  1. Ha! I did not know that any of these books existed. I have heard of Snookie's YA novel, though. I assumed you'd review that. :P

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    1. We actually read through these books, and I refuse to read anything that Snooki wrote. I refuse. I figured her book being complete dogshit was a given, anyhow. :)

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  2. I'm grabbing a pen and paper as I type but seriously unbelievable shit out there!

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  3. Wow. I hope you didn't actually read those to get the excerpts. Do you have to give Tyra the tinniest bit of credit for actually being literate? Nah, she definitely had a ghostwriter who went on to commit suicide.

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  4. The autobiographies of their FASCINATING lives are bad enough, but I had no idea that so-called celebrities were having thier fiction published, too. I'm going to go slit my writsts now.

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  5. I seriously thought you were kidding about Tyra. I honestly thought you were full of shit with all those jacked up names you had to be but then, there was the proof - video. I made it 54 seconds and bailed, I couldn't take it.

    James Franco...I want to IMBD him but I refuse. His writing sucks. He's not worthy.

    However, this gives me another dose of renewed faith that one day I will make it too!!

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  6. I had a total fall down laughing fit in B&N when I saw the huge display they made and set out for Jersey Shore's "The Situation" and his book. But then I saw/heard that Snooki wrote one too. She can't even talk, much less write! Ugh.

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  7. You've convinced me that ANYONE can write a novel...but it would appear that not everyone can write a novel well. My brain hurts (I am talking literally here...not figuratively) just reading the excerpts. Who, besides you two, would buy these shitty books? (I am giving you a pass as I am sure it was strictly for the sake of book reviews) I admire your position of dismissing anything related to Snooki. Wise, very wise.

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    1. While we did heavily skim these books, I can promise you they were neither fully read nor paid for. Spending money on any of these titles just feels wrong.

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  8. Maybe I need to STOP criticizing what I am getting out of my room full of typing monkeys. Last week, I actually said to them, "You think that James Franco would publish something this bad? I want this up to Tyra Banks standards by next week!"

    So far, we've only managed to duplicate the Nicole Richie novel.

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  9. Nice raggedy sweater. Did Slim Dyson give it to you?

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  10. Myrrrrracle, yarr.
    Chocolate brown eyes? Seriously? There's so much other brown stuff out there (hell, even turds from cute little baby rabbits would've been acceptable), but then they go for the chocolate? ):
    Palo Alto, screw that shit, 7-year-old me wrote better than that.

    I went into this post wit the hopes of it telling me how easy it is to become published and moderately successful. But hey, this is good, too. It makes me feel sort of good about myself. You know, for not being a total idiot and everything.
    Also I should probably get over my fear of writing out my idea and just do it already. Plenty of planning done already (not enough still), but zero real output.

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  11. I remember when American Idol winner Fantasia something came out as being illiterate. Though she somehow managed to get some high school education, and wrote about a book about how she couldn't read.....................

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  12. And if that isn't bad enough, I just heard that some chick from The Real Housewives franchise landed #15 on the New York Times Best Seller list. WTH????????

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  13. wow , my book would be something like that franco guy and lauren combined. i better start now because they were really good right?!

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  14. Anne walked into the pub and immediately noticed the dwarf sitting at the bar. She could tell he was a dwarf by his beard and the axe he wore on his back, the braces winking like gold in the dim light.

    She walked towards him, her womanly juices began to flow as she approached him. The odor of the mines he toiled in struck her nostrils, causing them to flare. Her breath came out in short gasps as she picked up the fetid smell of his funk.

    Looking down at him she noticed the flecks of foam stuck in his gnarled beard. Gazing into his black eyes, she said "Tonight I shall ride you like a stallion little man"

    Jaysus, but I'm brilliant. Fecking brilliant! I'm a writer, I'm a writer, I'm a writer!!!!

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  15. haha well that just proves the ego these idiots have, they should hire a ghostwriter with all of thei dough. And yeah also shows anyone can write one, so why wait.

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  16. Although this is funny as usual guys, the fact that Tyra Banks is writing a book, let alone such a ridiculous sounding one that obviously utilises ghost writers is pretty irksome to me. You're right though in all honesty, anybody can write a book but that doesn't mean that the book's going to be a good one haha, great post as always guys, your Slim Dyson book deserves more press than Tyra's one for sure.

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  17. I saw a book by Katie Price, and as tempted as I was to look in to it, just to see how bad it was, I never did. I don't really regret that decision much after reading these. I don't want to think those are actual excerpts by actual people who were actually being serious. That's a dark and scary thought.

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  18. Thanks guys, I finally have the confidence to become an actor and write a crappy novel.

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  19. First off...love the sweater Bryan! Pure class!

    I'm hoping to find the time to get to work so you boys can have some real reading material. I mean if Tyra can do it, anyone can. But I can do it better!

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  20. "Jim likes to look at stars, those things that appear at night in the sky. Jim's dad also likes to look at stars at night. Jim was outside at night looking at the stars when he thought, 'Why are stars so bright at night?'"
    -Chiz

    I'm almost done! Soon I'll be sharing toasts with the likes of Jim Stanko, Tyra Stanks, and Laura Conbad (A little bit of a stretch, I know).

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  21. Unbelievable...Of course, I find the fact that Tyra Banks has a tv show unbelievable! Thanks for the encouragement...I'm sure what I write couldn't be any worse.

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  22. Turns out James Franco is just a pretty face, lol!! Almost every time I enter a book store, I have the exact same thought: with this many books making it to print, it obviously doesn't take a rocket scientist...

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  23. Tyra Banks should hardly be allowed to drive, let alone write a 500 page book. Given that I would never have assumed this was even possible, I never would have known this existed. Thank you guys- I somehow feel more complete today.
    You are right about the book thing, time to go dream something up!

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  24. An awesome post, guys, and very true. Once I bought a celebrity's book because it hit the best seller list (duh, they always do), so I naively figured it was good. Of course, it was crap. I'm glad you didn't pay to read that garbage. I think there may be a few decent books written by celebrities (e.g., Jamie Lee Curtis), but those are children's books, not memoirs.

    Keep going at it.
    xoRobyn

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  25. My brain died just listening to Tyra talk about the book.

    I'm really disappointed in Franco's stuff; I actually kind of like him, and he does teach writing at some university. Reportedly, he's one of the smartest, hardest working guys in Hollywood, so I wanted his stuff to be good. Oh, well.

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  26. Dare I risk saying some things just shouldn't be written? But then again I guess there just so many people out there with money to piss away! Good for them... :) Happy New Year! I'm off to work on my crap sandwich novel!

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  27. Holy sh*t that video was painful to watch. That's how I've always motivated myself when writing. If these idiots can do it, then surely I can do it.

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  28. I haven't slept since yesterday so I'm a little scared that this entire post was a nightmare. Actually, no, I take that back. I'm not scared that this is a nightmare. I'm scared it actually happened... Even worse. I'm scared somebody actually bought those "books" and enjoyed them.

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  29. That's kinda encouraging for me!

    Still. I like James Franco. He has charisma. If he wants to write, let him write. I can't sing, but just try and stop me, dammit.

    But should these people be published purely because of fame in unrelated areas? No.

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  30. I've always felt that my vocabulary wasn't apt for writing a serious book.

    After reading these I kinda changed my mind, but if I had a thought I'd just want it to go through perfectly. That's what stops me. I'm a perfectionist for big things.

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  31. It makes me embarrassed that I went to the same high school as James Franco. He was two years behind me. I should have beaten the snot out of him to prevent him from writing.

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  32. Screw you! I actually watched that full video! Ugh...I want to cry. This THIS is why I write while watching horrible SyFy movies, Lifetime, or Hallmark movies...if those scripts/screenplays, stories make it...I know mine will. I have no words for Tyra writing a book! I knew Lauren had but Franco can barely TALK! I give up. ... on them...but NEVER on me. I'll be sending you guys a copy of my novel someday, promise.

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  33. I half want to check out the Franco book. I heard he was a huge Bukowski fan and I just started reading him. Hmmmm...

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  34. The first rule of Bryan's book club: Don't talk about what the banner used to say.

    Wow. Those are all bad, but the James Franco one has to be my favorite. Not only is it ponderously redundant, but that "Gary, Indiana" non sequitor landed with such a thud.

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  35. First thing I wanna say is that I REALLY DIG THE SWEATER BRYAN IS WEARING! I wish I had a real one like it. (No, seriously!)

    And . . .

    "That book was so bad it gave me bone cancer."

    HA!-HA! Loved it. That's a good example of why I regularly read this blog. I mean, don't get me wrong, you Beer Boys B Sick ("sick" as in basket-weaving, rubber-room candidates), but ya makes me laugh. (I'M "sick" that way.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  36. You are dedicated individuals... willing to read that BS just to motivate your readers into writing a book. In fact, you're so good at it, you've almost convinced me to do it! :)

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  37. As I was reading this, it actually uninspired me to write some of the more "far-out" things that I want to write, as I saw my potential audience LOLing at my future-novel, much as I was LOLing at Tyra, Lauren, and James' ideas.

    But then you turned it back around. After breaking me down, you built me back up. Like a true interrogator. So thanks!

    Also, Sigur Ros is wonderful!

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  38. If you need an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters to produce Shakespeare, you only need 2 monkeys and 1 typewriter to come up with that shit James Franco wrote.

    And this is a serious question: how long does your underarm hair have to be, before it starts "swaying in the wind"? Does anyone, except Tyra Banks, know?

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  39. Hahaha! Oh god Lauren Conrad's excerpt made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Good for James Frnaco for keeping to the same script he was working on in primary school though. x

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  40. Tyra Banks amazes me. Every time I think I couldn't lose anymore respect for her BAM! she writes a Harry Potter rip off about magical models.

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  41. Hahaha, you guys are so funny. Making up fake excerpts and stories. Even going all the way to find a Tyra Banks look-a-like to make that video.

    Never quit what you guys do.

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  42. I love that you guys are motivating others to write.
    I dont think I would buy a celebrity book, I rarely even buy books that make celebrities out of authors (I am thinking Twilight and 50 Shades as I write this)

    Wishing you much sucess for all your writing endevours this year.

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  43. that's why I read classic literature, modern is in such ass

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  44. Tookie de la Cream... wow.

    I do have a "story" as I call it floating around in my computer. I have the whole idea planned out. I know how it begins and I know how it ends. I have entire conversations planned and thought out and I have about 80 pages written out. I have no idea how to get it from the beginning to the end. I've had this story floating in my head for legit over 3 years. I have no idea how to complete it and I'm too embarrassed to show anyone what I have done so far.

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  45. You are brave souls for wading into the shallow pool of vomit and shit, and then having the brass balls to reach down and drink from it.

    Bravo! You crazy Bastards, Bravo!

    http://gifs.gifbin.com/1233928590_citizen%20kane%20clapping.gif

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  46. Where was Snookie's book? Wait, you would've imploded reading that one.
    Very cool to see how far we've both come in blogging. Sorry I don't get by often. Too many blogs, not enough time...

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  47. If Tyra's book weren't 500 pages, I would get it just for the laugh. I did laugh at the music they used in the video. So melodramatic!

    That excerpt from James' book is stunningly bad! It's like he wrote a bunch of sentences, threw them in a food processor and then jammed them all back together randomly.Maybe he'll start a new trend?

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  48. Wow, Modelland almost sounds worse than Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

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  49. You *actually* read these?? I'm hoping that by read you mean skimmed. I knew about all but "Jim Stanko". And for the love of beer I hope those are truly not actual excerpts. I read the Conrad one and now my eyebrows are forever lost somewhere in my hairline.

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  50. Maybe they should collaborate. (Stop collaborate and listen. I can't help it, it's disease.) Thanks for the encouragement, though, If Tyra can do it, then I can, dammit! Now I just have to ask myself; what do I know about catty models?

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  51. Truly terrifying. So...what you're saying is that I need to get onto a reality show and then I can write whatever I want? Is that the lesson here?

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  52. Bad books by third-rate celebrities make me cry actual tears.

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  53. Will write someday . and when i do (in 0 to 10 years )i will send you guys a free copy to beat the shit out of that . would make a funny review ;)

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