No Really, ANYONE Can Write a Book

          It's no secret that anyone can write a novel, but we wondered just how many people truly realized this fact. Every single day novels ranging from "literary masterpiece" to "verbal diarrhea" are being churned out, and not just by regular folks like you and I. No, they're also being written by celebrities, and these aren't just tell-all autobiographies, they're works of fiction, too. We wondered if any of these celebrities had genuine talent, or if their books simply were bought up by huge publishing houses just because they're famous.
          Well, I think we already know the answer. But to truly and objectively find out, the two of us sat down over the weekend and read some of these celebrity fiction novels.

          Each character has a ridiculous name that looks like it came out of a drunken game of Boggle: Ci~L, Theophilus, Zarpessa Zarionneax, and of course the main character, Tookie de la Creme, who has a sister named Myrracle and a mother named Creamy. Creamy. And she's not a French porn star, either. The plot, which is a direct ripoff of Harry Potter, is laughable. But what's worse is just how seriously Tyra takes this novel. At over 500 pages (and the first in a trilogy), this is a huge chunk of word vomit. And listening to her talk about it is like listening to Kanye West explain what a "motha-fuckin' JEE-nyus" he is.

          "And then Tookie put on the sash of magic modelling powers that she got from a doctor with rollerskates for feet and it helped her avoid the man-eating monster made of nothing but musical instruments." No, this isn't the ramblings of a 5 year old on a sugar high (Axe Cop, anyone?), this is Tyra Banks' Modelland, where pulling anything out of your ass is considered 'brilliant.'
           Don't believe us? Read an excerpt. Yes, this actually happened, and no, it has nothing to do with the story whatsoever.

         Genius, Tyra. Pure genius. Who said all supermodels were dumb, right?

            For those of you fortunate enough to not know her, Lauren Conrad was the star of that awful reality show The Hills, where she and her friends... stood around being rich and beautiful? There wasn't a whole lot more to it than that. And so, much like an episode of The Hills, this book has very little substance.

             Rife with bad writing and a plot that doesn't even start for 100 pages, these are truly the ramblings of a blonde girl. At least someone at Random House edited it. I bet the original had 20 "likes" every page. Like, Jane was like, a reality star, right? And like, wow. So like... chyeah, Inorite?

             Did your heart melt a little? Mine's practically a puddle!

          That's right. James Franco. That guy who's in those dozens of memorable movies that you may have seen, but for some reason just can't recall the name of. He wrote a collection of short stories that is so godawful that Publishers Weekly called it an "overall failure." I'm sure he'd like to think it's just because his literary depth is so simple it's misunderstood. What do you think?

          It goes to show that just because you can play the same angsty young James Dean character in any movie Hollywood throws at you without breaking a sweat, doesn't mean you're qualified to write fiction. But it does mean if you write something, a dying publishing house will snarf it up without thinking twice. In fact, despite the declaration of this short story collection as being the literary equivalent to dogshit, Mr. Franco has an actual novel being released soon. Just stew on that for a moment.

          So what's the point of all of this, you may ask? To rag on celebrities for getting million dollar contracts? No, actually, the point is that truly anyone can write a book. We know a lot of friends and acquaintances and readers alike that all want to write a novel, but for some reason just haven't done it yet. So as the new year begins, ask yourself, why haven't you started it? Or if you've started it but stalled out, why haven't you finished it? Seriously, if James Franco can write a book while stoned off his mind filming his fifth movie of the year, and Tyra Banks can write a 500 page fantasy novel between bullying a bunch of twiggy bimbos on a catwalk, then you can too. But herein lies the difference: you have the potential to write something better than this crap. The only way we're going to stop clogging the toilet with more literary logs is if we write something actually worth reading.
           Fellow writers, what are you waiting for? Get to it. I know we are.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Modelo