Thursday, January 10, 2013

Kicking Some Fairy Tails

It's no secret that Hollywood loves to crank out facelifted old stories in order to appease the masses. But, here at ABftS, we've noticed a recent story hijacking trend that we'd like to hop on board with. Namely, live-action film adaptations of what were once harmless children's stories but have now become epic, ass kicking battlefests. Like the new "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters," which features Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton as crossbow wielding badasses (instead of fat little children lost in the woods), or "Snow White and the Huntsman," which features Kristen Stewart as a sword-swinging huntress (instead of a helpless damsel that sings to birds). So here are a couple fairy tales we'd like to see brought to the big screen and majorly badassified.

Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet 
Eating her curds and whey,


Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her



And Miss Muffet blew the bastard away.


Starring Samuel L. Jackson as the motherfucking spider.

***

But... why think small? How about a truly epic action story?

Goldilocks and the Three Bears



Tired and hungry, a lone wanderer ventures into a cottage seeking food and warmth. The house is empty, but someone's recently been here. They left food on the table. It beckons to him.



"This porridge is too hot," he says (because even though he's starving and near death, apparently he's still a picky eater... douche). He tastes another. "This porridge is too cold." Finally, as he tastes the last: "This porridge is just right." And he eats all of it while he remembers the woman he could not save. Her blood is on his hands.



His bones are weary, so he looks for a place to rest. "This chair is too small," he says, and breaks it (like a complete dick). He sits in another. "This chair is too big." Finally, as he settles into the last chair: "This chair is just right." And as he sits in the darkness, he ponders his own existence. He remembers all of the needless blood he's shed in vain.



But then the homeowners return... and our hero is in trouble, because they're three motherfucking bears.

"Someone's been eating my porridge!" exclaims papa bear.



"Someone broke my chair!" exclaims baby bear.



"And he's still here!" exclaims mama bear. "Let's rip the flesh from his bones!"


But the stranger jumps into action, because he's no ordinary stranger...



...He's an ex-CIA mercenary, and he mows down the motherfucking bears with a pair of guns coated in motherfucking gold...





He empties both guns, and finally, there is silence. The bears are dead. But the thoughts in his head, the thoughts of a life wasted on bloodshed... they will never be silent...



because he is...




Coming soon to a motherfucking theater near you.


***

Take that, Hollywood. Well, actually, on second thought, please don't take that. Unless you've got a fat ass movie check made out for us.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B  

Music: AC/DC
Beer: Colorojo

50 comments:

  1. "In a world where arsonists run rampant, setting ablaze schools, churches, and petting zoos, only one man is nimble enough, one man is quick enough, one man is jumpy enough to stop them...JACK! [Cut to a car exploding and him ducking as the car flips sideways over his head.] 'Make a wish,' [he blows out an arsonists flame thrower]. Jackson B. Nimble was a rogue arson investigator, so good that he earned a reputation for jumping over candlesticks. Now he beats down those candle dicks! Jack will jack you up! Coming Summer 2025."
    Also, excellent rendering of the bear. Well done. Also, that Mama Bear cleavage is super HOT!

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  2. Golden guns, curds and whey...what could be better!?

    Hollywood gold! Steven Spielberg needs to stand down, there's a new top dog in town!

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  3. Hahah that is an excellent bear drawing, sirs.

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  4. Oh I love it. I'm picturing Bruce Willis as Goldi Glocks. Yippee Ki Yay Mother Fuckers!!!!

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  5. And just when I thought I was done seeing bear cleavage, you bring it right back!

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  6. Awesome, and Samuel L. Jackson is well cast in that role.

    Thanks for the morning laughs.

    xoRobyn

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  7. I would actually totally watch Goldi-glocks. It sounds like an incredibly good movie. I didn't know that as well as raping the Snow White story they've now gone on to do the same to Hansel and Gretel. Way to go Hollywood...way to go.

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  8. I think baby bear is angry that he didn't have lucky charms.

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  9. Hey, that little bastard broke into the bear's house and the bears die??? Say it isn't so!!!! The bears need to come home take care of the intruder. I am sure there is a castle law to protect them from being prosecuted. Let's see the porridge-eating, chair-breaking- bed-snatching creep's head on a platter.

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  10. hahaha yeah this does seem to be the next trend, they will rape them all and then remake them all over again in 5 years, pathetic as pathetic can be, they may steal yours too, better keep an eye out!

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  11. Three Billy-Goats Gruff. That has everything. Kick-ass goats. A bridge. A troll.

    A troll!

    Personally, though, I've always wanted to see a Quentin Tarantino-directed remake of "The Wizard of Oz." I think that the Tin Man going after the flying monkeys with an ax holds a lot of promise...

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  12. I couldn't stop laughing after I read "Goldi-glocks". It brought me back to your post about you two brainstorming ideas. I imagine this came after a few beers - fantastic! Now, keep your eyes open for this movie. Hollywood is desperate and this may show up.

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  13. Man, you guys should forget the books and start writing motherfucking screenplays!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  14. Goldi Glocks! I swear, I did not see that coming.
    Brilliant.

    Also, the bear with the beanie cap is fucking killing me.

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  15. I'd watch Goldi-Glocks. I'd be rooting for the bears, but I'd still watch it.
    I swear everyone in movies used to be a cop or work for the CIA or the FBI or something. I remember when people used to be teachers or paperboys. But that was way back, before my MI5 days.

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  16. You better contact Joss Whedon ASAP about Goldi-Glocks! He would make a perfect director.

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  17. Reading, "Starring Samuel L. Jackson as the motherfucking spider" just made my day.

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  18. "Starring Samuel L. Jackson as the motherfucking spider." Cracked up at work. I was just asked "are you alright there?" And it got even worse when I saw the bears and the title of that film. Thanks guys!

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  19. Goldi-Glocks is pure... gold. I'm not that creative. :(

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  20. The Goldilocks one actually had me guffawing like a fool, this is one of the funniest things I've ever read on Blogger man, they need to turn these into films!

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  21. Although not a fairy tale I liked how Hollywood did a total revamp of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with Death Race 2000.

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  22. It was pretty good, but then came the pun.
    I may or may not need to change my diaper now. Laughed way too hard at that. Nice one! Can't wait for more epic pun-fights in the hopefully-coming-soon stuff you'll be posting.

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  23. Give it a year, maybe a year and a half and you''ll see Mel Gibson directing that... in fact I don't doubt he's in negotiations with tom cruise right now, trying to persuade him to play the part of a straight man as papa bear... x

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  24. Hey, wait! You stole that Spider-Man line I stole from me! :P

    Sam Jackson is in both of those, right?

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  25. You should put that Goldi-Glocks panel on a tshirt. Seriously. I hate guns, but.i would still buy and wear it, cause it's hysterical :)

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  26. Your drawing of the bear is really, really good. You've reached a new level in your art-fantastic.

    Have you copyrighted your Goldi Glocks idea, because those Hollywood feckers will steal that one.

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  27. I've always thought fairy tales were creepy. Maybe turning these characters into badasses will help people deal with unresolved childhood trauma from being subjected to these stories.
    Mel Gibson should totally direct GoldiGlocks, though he'd have to find a way to throw a martyr theme in there somehow

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  28. Goldi Glocks? Are you kidding me? I'm on the floor laughing!

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  29. Sounds like fodder for Quentin Tarrentino to me!

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  30. That last panel with Goldi Glocks needs to be on a shirt or a phone case or something. Its so hilarious. And also violent. This whole post was pretty violent, but I expected nothing less when you said you had badassified some fairy tails.

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  31. Starring Samuel L. Jackson as the motherfucking spider... That's all I needed to know haha. I'm not too sure about Goldie-Glocks, though... Looks kind of scary.

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  32. LOL. I love it. I might have to do my own adaptation of Goldilocks...hmmm...maybe a romantic rectangle angle? Which sounds a little dirty. Even better.ha

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  33. I would pay to see either of those.

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  34. Anytime you can call somebody a douche and incorporate fables and action movies; I'm in! Let's do this YO!

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  35. I cannot wait to read your first screenplay! But seriously, WTF, Hollywood? Not that I mind seeing Jeremy Renner.

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  36. Haha, I definitely like your versions.

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  37. The sad thing here is that they totally would make both of those movies. But not until they're dine re-making and sequel-ing all if the most successful movies from the 80's.

    Let's face it, those Hollywood jackasses are completely out of ideas.

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    Replies
    1. **done, not dine. Freaking autocorrect...

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  38. Poor motherfucking bears...they just wanted some porridge, yo.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  39. So much motherfucking win. Goldi - glocks!

    Hollywood needs to hire you guys, I would totally go to see those movies.

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  40. This is the funniest thing I've read in ages: "Starring Samuel L. Jackson as the motherfucking spider." Awesome.

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  41. Did mama bear have cleavage!? lmao. Love it. Goldi-glocks. You guys have real winners there....start the movie scripts. No way those don't get made into huge block blusters.

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  42. That is the funniest thing ive seen all day Epic!

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  43. I think it's sad how.. these are doable. On the other hand, long hard chuckle escaped me when I saw Goldi-Glocks. Beautiful.

    Ask for the check, guys. Sell your souls.

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  44. If Samuel L. Jackson was the spider Miss. Muffet would be in a world of hurt and trouble.

    Good luck killing him.

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  45. I hate using this but: OMG LOL. I love Goldi-Glocks and I love that while you cast Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson as the spider in Little Miss Muffet, clearly you also want him to play Goldi-Glocks as well. Fairy tale reboots need more Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson in them.

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  46. Excellent boys. Top notch comedy you've done there.

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