Thursday, January 24, 2013

B&B's Craptacular B-Movies

It's no secret that there are a ton of bad movies out there. But, if you've really perused your Netflix cue, or even visited a Redbox recently, you'll see that for every crappy film that boomerangs in and out of theaters, there are four or five low-budget flicks that went straight to DVD. And, most of the time, they're just a blatant ripoff of a movie that was actually popular. Here are a few of our favorites.

You read that correctly. Metal Man. Who needs originality when you've got the aborted twin of Iron Man and a K-Mart costume aisle at your disposal?
That's right. Someone actually wants to be Michael Bay. He'd probably sue if he wasn't so busy working on Jenga: The Movie right now. Spoiler alert: the blocks all explode.

Just when you thought you'd run out of audiovisual diarrhea to enjoy...enter a singin' Sunday with Jesus.
These are all fantastic, right? What a great idea it is...to steal an idea. So good in fact that we here at ABftS can't believe we haven't thought of it before. That said, here are a few borrowed movie ideas we think would make for great films...

1) Los Miserables

It's the dramatic tale of Juan ValJuan, who is deported for stealing a taco for his family. Sure, everyone dies at the end, but it's hard to be depressed when everything's sung to boisterous mariachi music. Starring George Lopez, who, let's face it, just didn't have anything better to work on.

2. PickUP


This one's for the kiddos. A drunk old redneck who lost his wife (and her fingers) to a bad gambling debt wishes he could just fly away, so he attaches some helium balloons to his house and sets off an amazing adventure that may or may not include burglary and grand larceny. Also, his "house" is actually his "pickup truck," but this takes place in the South, so you already knew that.

3. Magic Mark


We haven't forgotten the ladies. If you loved Magic Mike, then you're absolutely going to love this straight to DVD release of Magic Mark. Now remember, a guy like Channing Tatum costs millions of dollars, so what you have here on a very tight budget is the B movie equivalent, and what he lacks in abs and hair and overall chiseled features he more than makes up for with embarrassingly eager enthusiasm.

Now that's how you steal a movie idea. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, B-movie "writers."

What's the worst B-movie you've ever seen?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

B&B

Beer: Fat Tire
Music: Avenged Sevenfold

PS If you get a chance, check out the short story we penned over at The Indie Chicks. We totally channeled our inner goddess. Or something like that.

49 comments:

  1. The real ones are sad. Yours at least are moderately imaginative, where Metal Man shows an imagination slightly below porn titles. I think you need to beat the movies. Come up with the crappy ones before the new one comes out. Like make Guardians of the Milky Way and you'll beat Disney by a year when they finally come out with Guardians of the Galaxy. Or Man of Iron, then you'll confuse the people who like Iron Man and the people who want to see the Superman Man of Steel movie.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Busspotting - It's about a bunch of druggie derelicts who participate in crazy antics, but there's on lad who feels as though there is something more for him, so he hitches a bus out of town. Or something. Oh! And there's tons of nudity. Borderline a porno. (Based off the critically acclaimed Trainspotting).

    I'll take my Silver Globe Award now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope Magic Mark gets picked up for production. I'd like to see those pink nipples on the big screen, and in 3-D.
    Another brilliant post, B&B.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have a deep and profound love for B movies. Not just any B movie either, holiday B movies are where it's at. Thankskilling is one of my favorites with a turkey that talks and goes on a killing rampage. My favorite part- after having sex with a real lady (who thought it was someone else) he says "You just got STUFFED". God, it's amazing. Then there's Gingerdead Man (there's 3 of those) and Santa's Slay. There's many more, but those are just my faves.

    ReplyDelete
  5. And to think.... Someone gets paid to write those b movies...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yeah and they shoot them for about a million bucks and make 10 million easy on them, not a bad business being rip off artists. At least yours are more original haha remember to share the 10 million bucks.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Saw this B movie starring Anne Hathaway as this leather clad, pierced and tattooed, foul mouthed tough chick. Can't remember the title, it was definitely stinky. I bet she wishes this one would go away.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The Landlord of the Circles- everything you ever wanted in an epic fantasy movie, complete with short, furry creatures and an old wizard who molests the little people!

    I can't wait to see Pick-up! My kids will love it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I had no idea that any of those real ones existed. I'm sure yours will be in the 2 dollar DVD bin at Walmart soon enough. Get ready to sue!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Again...you guys are brilliant. I can't think of one B movie I have seen. It's not that I don't watch them, I tend to forget them 20 minutes later. (it could be old age)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Why the hell are you guys wasting your writing talents on fine literature in the self-publishing biz? Hollywood-B beckons!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I would definitely watch "Pick Up"! I can't believ Transmorphers exists... is it bad that I totally prefer their dvd cover? x

    ReplyDelete
  13. "You read that correctly. Metal Man. Who needs originality when you've got the aborted twin of Iron Man and a K-Mart costume aisle at your disposal?"

    Oh, you BAD B-BEER B-BOYS just get funnier and funnier!

    I'm too far out of contemporary society's popularity loop to have understood what you were spoofing with 'Magic Mark' and 'PickUP', although I was hip to 'Los Miserables', which made me GOL (Guffaw Out Loud).

    And the following line is funny whether a person understands the 'PickUP' spoof or not:

    "Also, his "house" is actually his "pickup truck," but this takes place in the South, so you already knew that."

    Thanks for the pre-work laugh, B-Beer B-Boys.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh fellas, this may be one of my most favorite posts.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You really should do one of these with The Expendables or the new Die Hard movie. We used to change Die Hard to Blow Hard, so maybe you could bring us A Good Day To Blow Hard...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh god magic Mark's nipples cannot be unseen.

    I responded to your comment by the by.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Can't say I've seen any B-rates lately, I'm kinda disappointed in movies in the last few years as a whole though, I think most of them are B rate...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Okay, why are you guys not working in Hollywood? You could make tens of dollars writing and making these movies! And when you do, I'll be the first to the $5 Clearance DVD bin at the grocery store!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Haha these movie ideas are amazing guys, Pick-Up sounds good to me haha. I actually posted about Metal Man recently too, a friend of mine showed me it and I cracked up, it's such an obvious rip off haha!

    ReplyDelete
  20. SUNDAY School Musical? That's it, there is no God. I actually saw Legend of The Rings recently. That is the case, I didn't see the actual movie and never will. I think I'd totally watch Transformorphs and Metal Man though. If they were the actual movies they were ripping off and it was some kind of trick to get around piracy, I'd understand, but these are genuine movies people actually made and that's just really...no. It shouldn't be.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Magic Mark, lol.... I am there.

    ReplyDelete
  22. You forgot "Paranormal Entity" - the aborted twin of "Paranormal Activity." Netflix is great for sleepovers. You just discover so many things...

    ReplyDelete
  23. The first one that springs to mind is Gremlins, not officially a B-movie - but it's the only movie I've ever actually walked out of. There are some ridiculously funny porno rip-offs (which I quickly hasten to add I haven't watched ;) such as Raiders of the Lost Arse, Flesh Gordon and Forest Hump, lol!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Dudes, I would be all over Pick Up...

    ReplyDelete
  25. He lost her and her fingers. I think I'm missing something...

    And I saw the review! Thanks so much! Maybe, um, copy it over to goodreads, too? I know, I'm demanding.

    ReplyDelete
  26. You bring up a very good point. Where is George Lopez? I haven't seen him in a looong time. Maybe he could be in Pick Up or is that part for Ron White?

    Take care!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm sorry but did you not read the subtext on that Sunday School Musical cover? It says "Not your ordinary High School!" With an exclamation point! That's too intriguing to pass on.

    ReplyDelete
  28. These are fantastic! Someone wants to be Michael Bay? I might just need to go home and commit hari kari.

    Probably the one with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. I just really, really, REALLY wanted to see a movie and that was the only one playing. And clearly, it would have been a better and more fun choice to stay home, fry my hands, and eat them.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh gosh, I love B-movies. So sad, but true. I wish I could use Netflix (not living in US), I would watch B movies like there is no tomorrow.

    My guilty pleasure is watching those Mortal Kombat movies. They keep making so many. There have been 8 so far. The CGI dragons are not terrible.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Speaking of Sunday School musical, there's a lot of companies that have basically stolen content or practiced bad ethics and published some kind of Christian product. Very few face any legal action as nobody wants to be known as the company that sued Jesus. Lol America.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I dunno about the worst B-rated movies I've seen. All I know is I need to go spend some alone time in my bedroom with that picture of Magic Mark!!

    ReplyDelete
  32. When I used to run a video rental store, back in the day, I was always on the lookout for a good, fun, “B-movie,” which I could then recommend to customers and maintain the illusion that I knew what I was doing. Needless to say, I watched a lot of crap. The thing I learned is that these things are called “B-movies” for a reason, and that reason is usually that they suck.

    The worst I ever saw was called, “Teenage Catgirls in Heat.” I thought it might be campy fun, you know, so bad it’s good? Instead, it was just atrocious. It looked like it was filmed for about $75 and made absolutely zero sense.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Most of those come from one company. Read about them recently. They were sued over the similarity to the Transformers movie poster, but all they had to do was change the title.
    They make no bones about the fact their movies are crap. In fact, they are proud of it. Got to admire that.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Magic Mark's nipples are going to give me nightmares. I'm addicted to the SyFy, Lifetime, and Hallmark movies but I'm not sure they even qualify as B, honestly.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I live in the south so I can personally say that people don't live in pickup trucks here. Instead, they live in itty bitty little trailers that may or may not be condemned by the city and call it "a house". So... basically the same thing but without the bathroom.

    Now, I'm going to bleach my eyes so I can unsee Magic Mark.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Holy Nipple!!!

    Hey, Metal Man has a lantern jaw and groovy green eyes. If I didn't love Iron Man/RDJ so much, I'd almost say that one was worth it. Also, Transmorphers? That's a fantastic title.

    Sorry I didn't get a chance to spit on a hipster. In fact, I didn't get to play tourist in Chicago at all. Didn't even see the city skyline. Some day, some day. My friend decided to have her baby a week early, so I was at the hospital with her. Wasn't it nice of her to have a baby for me, though? I thought so.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

    ReplyDelete
  37. Worst B movie? Maybe Bubba ho Tep or Man With the Screaming Brain. Kind of awesomely bad though
    I'd pay to see Los Miserables, I'm intrigued

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blasphemy! Bubba Ho Tep on a worst list? Elvis and Bruce Campbell rule!

      Delete
  38. Magic Mark, you have no idea how hilarious of an idea that is to me right now. ;D

    ReplyDelete
  39. I've heard the American Netflix offers way more quality programming than the Canadian version. I haven't heard of at least half the movies on there...

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'd go see Los Miserables. Taco stealing is no joke. :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. My worst was an absolutely horrible film called Blood Gnome (SHUT UP I LIKE HORROR). It was so bad it might actually be a C or a D movie.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I think you should get the rights for Los Miserables... I'm pretty sure it'll get made into a movie. Perhaps the next in the "Scary Movie" series.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I wrote a script called Hairy Movie. Maybe you fellas can plug it for me. I wrote it with Anna Faris in mind... a pre-bikini waxed Faris, that is. Scary stiff, I know.

    But seriously... Metal Man? Dear Lord, now I need to see it. Thanks a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  44. You know, I haven't seen any B movies in forever. I'm feeling deprived right now. I think I am going to start with Thankskilling suggested by JJ. That just sounds too good to be true!

    That picture of Magic Mark, though? Kind of gives me the shivers...but not in a good way. I think you could produce a great horror movie where women are forced to watch him dance...

    ReplyDelete
  45. I want to make a movie called Paranormal Activia.

    It will star Jamie Lee Curtis as a washed up actress frantically running around the neighborhood trying to convince people to eat yogurt and have regular bowel movements.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I live in the SW like you guys do, so Juan ValJuan struck a chord with me.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I would like to see "The Shaded Knight goes up a little"

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Powered by Blogger.