Monday, December 31, 2012

2012: A Year in Drunken Review

Greetings, folks! And welcome to the end of 2012. We did it. We survived another year without completely nuking ourselves into oblivion. Way to go, humanity! And, while that stands as a marked achievement of the past year, a lot of other cool stuff happened too. Here's a list of some of the highs... but mostly the lows.

1. Shockingly, the world didn't end. Again. But that didn't stop a lot of people from going into panic. I mean, hey, who would listen to someone like the brilliant astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson insisting the world would be okay when you can misinterpret the calendar system of an ancient people that believed if you looked through a mirror that monsters could pull you through to the Otherworld?




But worry not, doomsayers, because just like last year was supposedly the end of the world thanks to misinterpreted Biblical calculations (Harold Camping), and this year was the end of the world thanks to a misinterpreted calendar (Mayans), next year will no doubt bring another arbitrary doomsday spawning from a ridiculously non-credible source. Who will it be? The Illuminati? The Westboro Baptists? Cryogenically frozen Space Hitler thawed out from the surface of the moon and sent back in time to kill us all? Stay tuned!

2. In January, a group of men old enough to remember when "your grandpappy was knee-high to a grasshopper", aka the US House of Representatives, tried to pass the SOPA and PIPA bills in an attempt to censor something they clearly don't understand, the Internet.


Thankfully, neither bill passed, because it's amazing what happens when us lazy people of the Internet rally together for something we truly care about. You hear that, Kony 2012?

3. While a handful of Americans were foolishly being distracted by the goings-on of the U.S. Presidential election, the rest of the world was transfixed on the emergence of 2012's real star: Honey Boo Boo. Move out of the way Michelle Obama, because obesity is not only here to stay... it's freakin' fabulous.



Yes, the world likes to say that they're laughing at her, not with her, but this fat, smelly little walking heart-attack makes $50,000 an episode. Meanwhile, I didn't even make $50,000 all year. So who's truly laughing last?


4. In August, NASA sent a Rover up to explore Mars. He's sent us back some great photographs, but as someone who doesn't know a whole lot about science, I still cannot understand how a Mars Rover took all those pictures without an opposable thumb.


Such is the beauty and the mystery of science.

5. Chris Brown and Rihanna got back together, proving that an angry fist can only drive "true love" apart for so long. Sure, their music may suck, but I foresee a ton of "big hits" in their future.

6. The zombie apocalypse became a huge deal, with many people creating their own plans for the rise of the undead. As for us, we combined #5 and #6, because if zombies emerged we'd have Chris Brown on our side in a heartbeat. We're safe because he won't hit a man, but the zombies sure aren't; who else is going to bash all those girl zombies?


7. Snooki bred. Because if there's one thing this world needs, it's more of her running around.


8. We learned a few things about Prince William and the royal family. First, that he defied all odds and impregnated his beautiful wife, which is definitely cause for worldwide celebration and 20 page news stories. Secondly, we learned that Princess Kate is good at making pancakes. No wait, those were just her boobs when a French tabloid made a huge deal out of photographing her topless.


          Really though, the fact that either of those became such big "news" was truly sad, and after seeing 20+ page spreads about both of these so-called stories, it begged the eternal question, "Who gives a fuck?"
          So needless to say... not a lot happened this year. Extremely uneventful. But maybe next year will be more exciting, eh? Either way, both of us wish you a very Happy New Year, and we hope that 2013 brings you as much drunken fun as it will surely bring us.
        What was your favorite memory of 2012?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Kishi Bashi
Beer: Negra Modelo

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Harry Potter Was a Delusional Heroin Addict

          Sometimes when we read a book, we only see the story in front of us and we end up missing the clever subtext being injected by the author. It can often be hard to catch. But fret not, because over Christmas Break we've been doing a lot of reading, and we wanted to share with you our findings on some popular books you may have read and misunderstood (or maybe you just saw the movie and missed out entirely. I'm not one to judge).

1. Harry Potter

           We all want to believe in magic, and we all want to believe in happy endings, but after reading the cheery, cliched, overly-happy ending, in which Harry marries Ginny and has a truckload of kids (and so do Ron and Hermione) I realized this was all just a heroin induced dream. You see, Harry suffered a lot of abuse at his aunt and uncle's house, so he dropped out of school and took up heroin. His experiences with the wizard school, making a ton of friends, fighting the forces of evil, and swinging a magic wand were all hallucinations of the life he wished he had. And Voldemort, well, he wasn't a bad guy, he was just a homeless guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. One swing of Harry's magic wand--or switchblade, I should say--took his nose right off. There's no happy ending for this boy wizard, who spends his days in a back alley talking to a ginger cat and a bag of trash.


2. Lord of the Rings

        It wasn't until I read this book again that I realized what J.R.R. Tolkien was really trying to say. See, we all knew that Smeagol was Gollum, but what we didn't know was that like Fight Club on steroids, Frodo was Smeagol AND Gollum the whole time. Smeagol represents Frodo's homosexual feelings toward Samwise Gamgee, and as his love gets more sexually violent (and conflicted, because Sam's his friend), he turns into Gollum, a lusty, evil creature intent on stealing the One Ring. The One Ring, of course, is a crude representation of Sam's anal sphincter. 
         Possessing Sam's "precious" would surely destroy the world (I think J.R.R. Tolkien was a bit of a homophobe) so Frodo destroys it in the fires of Mount Doom and simultaneously kills his gay alter-egos, Smeagol and Gollum, wherein he can return to a happy life of heterosexuality. I don't necessarily agree with the author, but hey, it was written in a time when people were less tolerant.
          Remember folks, you can't pray away the gay, but you can incinerate it in the fires of Mount Doom.


3. Fifty Shades of Grey

         It's easy to dismiss this book as being "terrible" and "poorly written" simply because it's terrible and poorly written, but E.L. James is a genius. Beneath a work of bad fan fiction is a greater story of a woman crying out for help.
          A young virgin meets a gorgeous, well hung billionaire who makes her cum like a fire-hose even just by touching her. He's breathtakingly handsome, he devotes every second of every day to her, and he buys her everything she could ever want. It sounds too good to be true--like something out of a dream, right? That's because it is.
           Ana was locked away in a poorly kept insane asylum in the 1960s, having been the receptionist for an attractive married man that wouldn't even look at her. As a consequence, she began to hurt herself, only to find out that she liked the pain. After being committed to the insane asylum, doctors tried some controversial electroshock therapy that fried her brain. Now she lays in a vegetative state, in a dark, padded cell, dreaming of the perfect man she always wanted. 
           The guards are ruthless and beat her as often as they can, but unbeknownst to them, she likes the beatings. They make her cum like a fire-hose.


         So there you have it: heroin addiction, repressed homosexuality, and vegetative abuse, all cleverly embedded into your favorite stories. In fact, our newest novel, The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson, is a metaphor for the Marxist movement and its effect on modern day economic and sociopolitical worldview... Or something like that.
         Did we miss any?
         
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Ruby Suns
Beer: Lefthand Milk Stout Nitro

Monday, December 24, 2012

The Grinch Who Stole Christ

Good tidings, everyone. And Happy Holidays! In the spirit of the season, we decided to throw a Christmas party here at our A Beer for the Shower office. Except that, by "office" we mean "condemned warehouse." And by "Christmas party" we mean "non-Christ-centered holiday gathering." Why is that, you ask? Well, firstly, because we're broke as fuck. And secondly, because apparently someone had stolen Jesus. We didn't know how or when it happened, but yes, the rumors were true, someone did indeed take the Christ out of Christmas. And with the help of our good friend Andrew, we were determined to find out who had dunnit...








      If we were going to find the Grinch who stole Christ, we needed to interview witnesses. So we painstakingly interrogated everyone at the party. All three of them. And we asked them when they had last seen the victim.








     




       But alas, Jesus wasn't at the bottom of a whiskey bottle, or in a child's smile, or burnt into a piece of toast. It turns out he was there with us the whole time. Apparently he was just in the other room grabbing refreshments.
       So no matter whether you're celebrating Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or just a few days off of work, we hope you have a good one. See, that's the great thing about a holiday, is that it's up to you whether you celebrate it, how you celebrate it, etc. So regardless of whether you celebrate with your family, or your boss, or your friends, or alone, or even with the J-man himself, no one can tell you how to celebrate your holiday but you.
       Because it's true, no one ever took the Christ out of Christmas. He's been here all along. Serving up refreshments. And they're delicious.

Jesus can turn water into wine but he makes a bitchin' paella

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Gypsy and the Cat
Beer: Stella

P.S. I'm sure you noticed the addition of our friend Andrew Leon to today's comic. That's because he's our official contest winner, with over 40% of the total votes for our Slim party. If you haven't already stop by his blog, say hello, and tell him that B&B sent you. He'll give you 10% off your next Botox injection.* **

* He will most likely not do this
** Not guaranteed to be an actual "medical doctor"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Vote For Your Favorite Homeless Party!

Hey all, and welcome to the democratic process at its finest. See, we had some friends of ours host a book release party for our good buddy Slim Dyson the homeless writer, to celebrate the release of his new novel. Well, today you get to check out those parties and vote for a winner.

We had our own party, but it's ineligible for voting, not just because that's technically cheating, but also because it sucked. The only person that showed up was One-Leg Craig, our time-traveling intern staff writer turned homeless heroin addict.







So without further ado, here are our participants, listed in order of submission:

1. Andrew at StrangePegs threw a party for Slim that included bouncy castles, a public pool, and a couple of drunken Santas. And who doesn't love the mental image of 20 drunk homeless people jumping in a bouncy castle full of terrified children?

See Andrew's entry here!

2. Jaybird over at The Bird's Nest held Slim's party in the public library, where he got an actual book signing. This entry not only features pizza bagels and Cheez Whiz, but it also shows actual pictures of the event. Missing from the pictures are Slim, who's a bit camera shy. Also, imaginary.

See Jaybird's entry here!

3. Elsie over at Mock Turtle's Musings (and Elsie Is Writing) threw Slim's party on the Denver 16th Street Mall's free mall ride, which she turned into a rockin' party bus full of drunken homeless people singing like maniacs. While they lack instruments, training, and talent, I'd be willing to bet they still sound better than Ke$ha.

See Elsie's entry here!

4. Winopants at Wino on a Ramble held Slim's party in a restaurant infested with rats. That might sound like a bad time, but between the Mexican witchery and a bit of sweet justice for Amelia, I'd say Slim had a blast at this swanky shindig.

See Winopants' entry here!

5. Cheryl over at The Art of Being Conflicted threw Slim's party in City Park, complete with roaring trash can fires and fancily cut PBJ's. Can't quite picture it in your head? Well worry not, there are glorious MSPaint representations stolen generously borrowed from our site!

See Cheryl's entry here!

6. Lia at Your Predefined Taste had Slim's party in a subway. What it lacked in hygiene it made up for with a boombox blasting Gangnam Style. Look for a cameo by the two of us, acting drunk and belligerent! Lia knows us so well.

See Lia's entry here!

7. Powdered Toast Man over at Just the Cheese threw Slim's party in the #9 Loop Bus, where they snacked on ketchup packets and rooted through the lost and found box. To the two of us that just sounds like a typical Friday night, but to Slim, it was the party of a lifetime.

See PTM's entry here!

8. Last but certainly not least Riot Kitty threw Slim a LOLCat party. That's right, cat parties are no longer just for lonely 50 year old spinsters! You bring the catnip, I'll bring the shame and loneliness!

See Riot Kitty's entry here!

So we wanted to have them all fight each other to the death in a steel cage grudge match, but apparently that's "illegal," so we're going to let you the reader decide. Who threw the best party? Who deserves to win a guest appearance and the signed manuscript? Vote now or the communists win!

-B&B


Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson

Welcome, folks. Today's a big day here at ABftS. We're proud to announce the release of our newest collaborative novel, "The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson." It's our third humor novel, and the very first without any sort of paranormal elements. Unless you count extreme delusion and optimism as paranormal behavior. Here's the book cover...


The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson

As those of you who have followed the early chapters of the story we've posted here know, the hero of the story is a homeless writer who accidentally finds fame and fortune. Here's the story synopsis:

"Slim Dyson is a man about town. He's an artistically inclined urbanite, a ladies man, and a social butterfly. The only problem is that he's homeless. Well, he doesn't have a problem with that. In fact he doesn't have any problems at all, because Slim Dyson is the most optimistic man alive. In fact, his optimism borders on delusion. And when he accidentally becomes catapulted into fame and fortune, Slim finds himself thrust into a world where honesty and optimism come to die: Hollywood.

The life of luxury is foreign to a man who would rather sleep on a shelter cot. Will Hollywood change Slim? Can even the purest heart survive the washing machine of Fame without fading? And what's the point of a toilet that shoots water up your butt, anyway?"




Now, like all our other novels, this story is available as an e-Book exclusive, sold through Amazon. But, that doesn't mean you have to have a Kindle to read it! For those without Kindles, fret not, because you can still read this book on your computer. On the right hand side of the page we linked above, click the link that says 'Available on your PC,' right below where you Buy.

From here, you'll be directed to a page where you can download the Kindle program for your computer. Just download, install, and register (it's free), and from there, if you buy our book, Amazon will send it to your computer, rather than to a Kindle.

If not, you can also just read it on your web browser straight through Amazon.com.

Buy it here.

Also, as a reminder, we'll be holding our Party Like Slim Dyson contest on Thursday, where you the reader will help us by voting on who threw the best homeless party. The winner will become immortalized on the blog and get a signed copy of our unreleased novella manuscript, Lost and Found. Be sure and check it out. We have some killer entries.

Lastly, both of us just want to stop and say thank you to all of you in the blogging community. Whether you're a blogger or a reader, whether this is your first visit or your thousandth, it's your support that gives us the ability to do what we love, and that's write. We might not sell out join the ranks of Slim Dyson and score an $8 million dollar movie deal, but as long as we can bring you high quality writing, high quality humor, and high quality entertainment, we're going to keep doing it. So thank you, truly, because you've helped us shape our writing into what it is today. We wouldn't be the writers we are without you.

Cheers,
B&B

Music: Frank Turner
Beer: Fat Tire

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Party Like Slim Dyson Contest

Hi folks! Today we've got some killer news for you.



Nope! Actually, we're releasing our new novel, "The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson," exactly one week from today! And that's not all. To kick off the release, we're holding a bad-ass contest to help get the word out. Like any good novel debut, this one needs a release party. And the best part is, you get to help us design it.


As you all know, the story's main character, Slim Dyson, is a homeless writer who finds fame and fortune, but still opts to spend his nights sleeping in the local shelter. Here's what we'd like you to do. We want you to throw Slim a killer book release party on Monday, December 17th.

To do this, simply create a post that details a fun, hypothetical party that Slim and his closest homeless pals would have a blast attending. Go nuts. Be creative. And have fun with it. A few commenters worried about "writing someone else's characters" but let me assure you, you don't have to write a mini Slim Dyson story, you just have to describe a theoretical party. As we told another person, it can be as long or as short as you want, it doesn't have to include pictures, and it can even just be something like this... 

"I'd throw a party at the YMCA and have my Uncle Tito play the kazoo. They have a ton of leftovers at Olive Garden, so I rooted through the dumpster after closing and brought breadsticks for everyone. And for the guest of honor, Slim Dyson, I brought him a leather jacket I fished out of the trash can. Yes, it smells literally like fish, but it'll look great on him."
 
There are a few rules, just to keep things interesting...

Homeless party rules:

1. Must be posted on Monday, December 17th, only.

2. Must contain a link to Slim and his book (we'll send you the link).

3. Even if it is hypothetical, the party can't be illegal: you can't just break into Lil Wayne's crib while he's out of town and steal all of his liquor (and his bitches).

4. You're homeless too, so you can't just throw this in your backyard and call it good. You don't have a backyard. The world is your backyard (was that deep?).

5. You can spend a total of $10. That's a whole day's wages of window washing at the corner of 18th and Broadway. Don't forget dollar stores!

6. The party must be able to accommodate 20-30 people.

7. You must have a gift for Slim, the guest of honor (don't worry, he's easy to buy for).

8. The fun part: tell us all about your party. Feel free to include pictures, videos, music, whatever. Go nuts.

9. You need to e-mail us as abeerfortheshower@gmail.com and let us know you're entering. Let's make this whole thing official. Otherwise, it's hard to keep track of who's participating. In exchange, on Sunday, December 16th, we'll e-mail you a link to the book, which is an automatic slam dunk on rule #1. How easy is this?

And then... a winner will be decided. But not by us.

After you put your post up on Monday, December 17th, we'll compile all submissions and post them up for voting, by you the readers, on Thursday, December 20th. The winner will be announced the following Monday, December 24th, and the winner will receive an appearance in our web-comic and a physical, printed copy of our yet unreleased horror novella manuscript "Lost and Found."


The novella will only otherwise be available as an e-book in a few months, but absolutely no one has read it yet. THIS copy will be a bound, original manuscript, signed by both Brandon and Bryan, and will be shipped directly to your doorstep. Much like Charles Manson, this is one of a kind!

So, get to it and help us design a great release party for Slim! It can be as long or as short as you want to make it, just make it good.

And also, just to remind you again, if you plan on participating in the contest, please e-mail us beforehand at abeerfortheshower@gmail.com and let us know (deadline is December 17), so that we can make sure we plan for and receive all submissions. Also, you'll need the link to the novel, which we'll e-mail to all participants on Sunday! And please, post on Monday, December 17th only! Thanks!

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

B&B

Beer: Shiner Bock
Music: Trampled By Turtles

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Blinded Him With Science


          It's been a while since I've talked about my lovely suburbanite neighbors. For those of you who are new, there are some links on the righthand side called 'Meet the Neighbors' where you can learn all about their mental deficiencies. If not, here's the long story short. I live in white suburbia. My wife is Mexican, and her brother is a millionaire (Internet marketing company) who sometimes comes to visit us in his Lamborghini, so the neighbors all spread rumors that we're meth dealers, because that's clearly the only way "the brown folk" can have money. But that's behind our backs. They love to give us fake cheesy smiles to our faces.


          Also, their 12 year old daughter (possibly 13 now) wears the skimpiest booty shorts I've ever seen. Like, if her leg even twitches you see ass.


          But now I have a new archnemesis. A nemesis whose name I still don't even know. A nemesis so fearsome it's probably best I never learn his name, so that its unmeasurable evil may never grace my lips...

          This man.


          No, that isn't Richard Dreyfuss (Or "Dreyfuth" as he might lisp), that's the squat little man living in the house behind mine. Like the other neighbors in this area, he drives a Prius and hates any car that makes noise. Namely, mine.


          With my own two hands, I've built this car up into something beastly. Loud, fast, and fun. A car meant to be driven. And yet, like any sane adult, I save that for areas that are not my neighborhood. But it's loud, and red, and not a Prius, so whenever I'm creeping by my neighbors at a turtle's pace (20 in a 25 mph zone) they always love to wave their hands at me urgently like I'm going to break the speed of sound and mow down their toddlers, which of course are always playing in the middle of the street. The nerve--what right does my car have to be driving through their playground??

           Anyway, a few weeks ago I was driving home through the alley, about to park my car, when this squat little man comes running after me like he's just learned the last Twinkie's been sold. Now, were he a civil human being with rational thought, logic, and courtesy, this is how the tale would have unfolded.




I assume this is how all British road rage ends
          But instead I was greeted by this.

Not an exaggeration
            Now I'm half white and half brown, which means part of me was thinking this...

White people wear Cosby sweaters. It's just, like, a fact, okay?
          But the other half of me was thinking this.



          Now one thing to understand about this neighborhood is that everyone takes everyone else's shit. That's just how it is. It's all about "keeping up appearances." But I'm not like that. This guy wanted to come up onto my driveway, beating his chest like a tough guy, so I got in his face and told him I wasn't speeding and he needed to fuck off. He then started screaming about how his grandchildren play in that alley (fucking brilliant) and I could have "run them over." And then he tried to scare me.

          "You know what happens next time you come down the alleyway?" he asked, like a little girl about to divulge the juiciest secret ever told. I'd swear his heart was about to explode from excitement. "I'm going to call the police! What do you think of that?"

          Apparently he thought that was going to be his shining moment, you know, where I shit my pants and pleaded, "No, please, don't call the policemen on me! I'll do anything! ANYTHING. Do you get me? N-E-THING."

          That wasn't exactly what happened.



          The grin fell from his face instantly. Suddenly, this wasn't going like he was expecting. But I wasn't done laying the verbal smackdown. No, he had come into my driveway looking for a fight and a fight he was going to get.

          So I bitch-slapped him... with science.




          His jaw slacked a little more. But I still wasn't done. For good measure, I got all lawyer-ish on him too.



I'd always wanted to interrupt someone like this, and if you haven't, goddamn does it feel gooood




           I'd swear at that moment he'd just started slobbering in defeat. Or maybe it was rage slobber. Finally, like a boxer in the 10th round on his last leg, he threw one last pathetic jab.


         I was all set to go in for the kill. But before I could act, it was actually my wife who threw the knockout punch. And she did it much more eloquently than I ever could.

This was asked by a 22 year old girl of a 60-something year old grandfather, mind you


           Not only did he realize he had no argument, he also realized he was a huge asshole. It's something special to see the look in another human being's eyes when they suddenly realize "I'm THAT guy." And so, having still never even mentioned his name, my combatant simply turned and walked away back to his house, muttering in shameful disgrace. Also, did I mention that since we had been so loud, we had drawn a few spectators by now?


          I glanced their way as I marched inside, and they all looked away so fast I'm pretty sure they got whiplash. No one's yelled at me since, or waved their arms at me, or even had the courage to make eye contact with me. They all look away sharply. If you know me in real life you'll probably laugh at that, because I'm the least threatening person you'll ever meet. But I warn you, do not fuck with me, because the brown will come out...


           ...and I will fuck your shit up. With science.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: Overwerk
Beer: Amberbock
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