Have you ever gone to a concert and seen an opening band so bad it just made you stone cold sober on the spot? Like, the 4 beers you just drank didn't even exist? Well, a few weeks ago I did, and that band was one so truly terrifying that I'll never forget it. It was the worst band I've ever seen/heard in my life. In fact, the moment I got home my wife said, "Oh God, you're going to blog about this, aren't you?"
And I said, "It'd be a crime not to."
It's a band called Friends, and they opened recently for Two Door Cinema Club here in Denver. My wife and I were excited for the show. Once we got inside, though, it was a long wait, even just for the opening act, and the crowd was restless.
So let me set the stage. The lights dim, and the audience begins a light round of applause. A woman that looks like a 12 year old girl on crack totters out onto the stage, holding a guitar that's bigger than she is. She's wearing nothing but a leather jacket and panties, which we notice because she flashes the audience any time she makes even a hint of movement.
Next comes the drummer, a hipster in skinny jeans and a Bob Saget sweater so big and so ugly that the only thing missing is a huge cat face on the front.
Next comes the bongo player, an abnormally scrawny guy with long hair and Harry Potter glasses, wearing a wifebeater.
Then, like a bad joke, comes the keyboard player. He has to be almost 50 years old. He has white patches in his beard, he's overweight, and he's wearing a beret which I imagine covers his bald spot. Also, did I mention he's wearing some kind of Super Mario Bros. suspenders?
|In this case, the M stands for Middle-aged|
Is this the lead singer, we wonder? No, this isn't the lead singer, because the lead singer walks out next. Or I should say stumbles. She's drugged out of her mind, slurring her words, and shoving the microphone so far into her mouth she's practically giving it a blowjob. And her outfit, well, I don't know what the fuck she's wearing. It's like MC Hammer pants pulled up to her saggy tits, which makes her look like Grimace the McDonald's character. Her eyebrows are sharp and pointy and have to be at least a foot long.
|You'll never look at him the same way again|
But hey, maybe the music's still good. We're willing to give it a chance. And then the music begins... and it's every bit as terrible as you might imagine. Maybe even worse. The singer wails and screeches like a cat whose tail just got stomped on. Bongo man hits his bongos. Tranny dancer guy continues to vogue.
And Meli and I...
But we aren't being trolled. Another song starts, and another, and then... as if it wasn't weird enough, these guys decide to kick it up to 11 and make shit even weirder. The lead singer starts making out with the tranny dancer.
Then the tranny dancer starts making out with bongo man.
And all that... the voguing, the making out, the terrible screeching, the shitty music... that all lasted for 45 minutes. 45 grueling minutes. When they finally left the stage, there was barely any applause, and I'm pretty sure those who clapped were just happy they were leaving.
If you think I'm making this all up, I'm not. Here's their "hit" single, which features cracked-out singer's trademark screeches. Skip to 1:30 to hear them (that's the "chorus"). Or don't. Save your eardrums.
As my pal Kat from Kat O' Nine Tales pointed out to me, she sounds like the aliens from Pitch Black. And who among us hasn't seen that movie and thought, "These screeches would sound great surrounded by shitty funk music"?
|Dancing with grandpa? No, that's just the keyboardist grinding on a cracked out 12 year old.|
|Pictured here: scrawny bongo guy, Mr. Vogue, and... some other dude|
|I bet those eyebrows could saw through lumber.|
|Work it, gurl(s).|
Because who needs great songs when you can have strange music that doesn't make any sense, weird onstage antics, and pathetic sexual gimmicks to make everyone think you're 'edgy'? Also, nothing screams hipster quite like the phrase, "Oh, you think this music is bad? Well, you just don't understand it like I do."
So what's the lesson of today's post, or even the point? Well, the next time you see a bad opening band, just remember that while they might lack a little musical talent, or stage presence, or even good material... at least you didn't have to sit through almost an hour of this bullshit.
What's the worst opening band you've ever seen?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: City and Colour (who certainly does not suck)
Beer: Shiner Bock