Thursday, June 28, 2012

In Lieu of Flaming Dogshit


I know what you're thinking: Yes, that post title could inspire an excellent motion picture. Probably a French film. But today, it describes something equally classy that's been on mind mind lately. You see, I've been spending some time over at Bryan and his wife's place lately while we work on the cartoon, and I've gotten to know some of his neighbors a little better. And they suck. Hard. So hard, in fact, that a flaming bag of dogshit on their porch just wouldn't be bad enough. So, I've been brainstorming better, more fitting gifts I'd rather leave them...or any shitty neighbor. Here are some things you might want to try for yourself...

The Wheel of Many Explosive Deaths
This option was the first one that came to mind. All you'd need is a scrumptious looking pizza, some warmed up Milk of Magnesia, and a delivery guy willing to take a cash bribe. Total cost: about twenty bucks, plus tip. Order a pizza, pay for it, and then tell the delivery guy to haul it next door after you spritz it with the super-laxative. "What's that you say, guy?" says the pizza man. "You didn't order this pie? Well, sir, my mistake. It's on the house." And just like that, your vengeance will be visited upon his rectum for many countless hours.



Poxy Blanket
In the tradition of our forefathers and their generosity to those pesky land-squatters the Native Americans, you could always take the underhanded "Welcome to the neighborhood" approach. All you'll need here is a nice, comfy looking blanket and access to a vial of communicable germs. Our forefathers preferred Smallpox, but I hear that stuff's hard to come by these days, so you get extra points for creativity.



Mormon on a Mission
Just in case poisoning is a little too "illegal" of an option for you to consider*, there's always the more subtle, but equally torturous, option of doorstep nuisance: the door-to-door Mormon salesmen.


Let's face it, after spending fifteen minutes trying to get these grinning, short-sleeved fashion misfits off his front porch, your neighbor will probably wish you'd sent him the Smallpox. All you've got to do is go to the website of every Mormon church in the state, post about fifty inquiries for further information using your neighbor's name and address, and then sit back and watch as the white-shirt-and-backpack barrage rolls in.

*Not that we promote or condone attempting any of this nonsense. We don't. So don't do it, dipshit.

Serial Pete
If all else fails, you could always just start an amorous penpal correspondence with an enormous, homicidally deranged prison inmate named Squeaky Pete, using your neighbor's name of course. And then, a week before his release date, break up with him. When he arrives at the neighbor's place, and god knows his Jerry Springer ass will, Petey will bring a little life into the neighborhood. Throw some popcorn in the microwave, because even if your neighbor doesn't wind up in Intensive Care, this will be a show you won't want to miss.




So, what do you think? Any gold star ideas here? Do you have any suggestions of your own?

Cheers!

-Brandon

Beer: Left Hand Sawtooth
Music: May Erlewine

Monday, June 25, 2012

Jack and Jill (and Zombies)

Today we've got a special treat for you. It's the A Beer for the Shower take on one of our favorite old nursery rhymes. We call it Jack and Jill (and Zombies). Enjoy.



Jack and Jill went to the still,
To fetch a pail of liquor.
Jack got drunk and suddenly thunk
How much he’d like to stick ‘er.




Jack grabbed his sister and tried to kiss her
But fell in a vat of whiskey
Poor Jack drowned in an ocean of Crown
Proving incest is always quite risky




Jill staggered home feeling very alone
But the man in the vat wasn’t gone
Dead Jack climbed out and staggered about
Feeling hungry for brains to om nom nom




Jack did search, and home he did lurch,
Seeking out Jill’s sweet noggin;
She was in bed, with her big tasty head,
Snoring like lumberjacks loggin'.



 When Jack came in how he did grin
For a brain parfait from his mademoiselle,
But Jill’s shotgun blast to his undead ass
Blew zombie Jack straight to hell.


THE END

There you have it. An instant classic with which to put the kids to bed. Remember children, no matter how drunk you may be, it's always handy to keep a twelve gauge Remington under your pillow in case of the zombie apocalypse. Oh, and don't feel up your siblings.

In other non-incest related news, we'll soon be launching a Kickstarter campaign to help fund production of A Beer for the Shower: The Animated Series, because apparently a high quality animated series takes more than $18.32 (our bank accounts. Combined) to make happen. We're really looking forward to it, and will keep you posted when the campaign goes live. Lots of fun prizes up for grabs. "Slave-labor Brandon" may or may not be one of them.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

B&B

Beer: Breckenridge Vanilla Porter
Music: Tedeschi Trucks Band

Monday, June 18, 2012

Brace Yourselves, Summer is Coming

          For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, we've spent the past few months complaining it's too damn cold, and now we can spend the next few months complaining that it's too damn hot. After all, summer is here and it's in full swing, especially in Colorado.
          Now here's the thing about Colorado. People seem to think that snow hits us like the Antarctic, that we all have to hike up snow-capped mountains in our parkas just to make it to the grocery store, and that we all ski or snowshoe to work. But that couldn't be any more incorrect. In winter, it only snows a handful of times, and the cold is fairly mild. In summer, it can get up to 100 degrees Fahrenheit and higher. In fact, as I type this, it's 98, the AC is maxed, and I'm trying not to spontaneously combust.



Poor Ned Stark probably shouldn't have been wearing all those thick wolf pelts in 100 degree heat, but then again, spontaneous combustion is a better death than public beheading, amirite?
          So summer is our chance to get out and enjoy the sun after 6 months of sitting inside doing this.



The Blue Footed Booby. What did you think I was talking about?
          So now that it's nice out, what fun summertime activities do you have to choose from? Well, frankly, not a lot, because most of the activities labeled as "pure summertime fun" really aren't all that fun.

The Public Pool

What's even more fun than splashing off in cool, refreshing water when it's hot out? How about soaking in the urine of 100 noisy children?


So maybe you don't want to take a salty pee-bath. You can at least sunbathe and ogle the lovely young ladies/men frolicking around in their tiny bathing suits, right?

WRONG. Because they all look like this.


Oh, and let's not forget that suntanning is a terrible idea, unless you want to look like an old leather purse that has skin cancer.


So unless you like looking at obese girls wearing bikinis they clearly shouldn't be, swimming in pee, or getting skin cancer, the pool isn't probably your ideal summer hotspot.

Amusement Parks:

If you feel like plopping down $50 per ticket, you can always go to the amusement park and engage in the nonstop, fun-tastic thrill ride that is... waiting in line. Sure, everyone looks so happy in those amusement park commercials, like they're smiling so hard their head is going to explode, but how much fun can you have waiting 45 minutes to ride something that's over in 45 seconds?


Oh, and don't forget, while you're waiting in line to get a 45 second plunge down a metal box car, you're also waiting for a lifetime of skin cancer.

Camping

Living in Colorado, we're lucky to have the mountains. It means that at the drop of a hat, we can leave the burdens of the real world behind, shuck off our electronic leashes, and go camping off-the-grid. But is it really all it's cracked up to be?




The scientific term is "Snakedick."





So maybe camping isn't the best idea for a fun summertime activity.

Movies

We all know what summer means for us filmgoers: a blockbuster barrage of epic spectacle and explosive (yet meaningful) proportion. Ahem...









So maybe seeing a movie isn't ideal either, though I've heard Jenga: The Movie has a lot of great action sequences (spoiler alert: the blocks all fall over but everyone's still smiling really hard).

In conclusion, summer is a tricky time to find fun things to do. But hey, even if the season is a wretched time full of deadly animals, scalding heat, noisy children, urine, bad movies, and skin cancer, at least you've got other activities to fall back on... right?



Al Gore approves!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: Breckenridge Vanilla Porter
Music: Alexisonfire

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Date My Brother In Law!

         They say it's hard to find love, and I don't know who exactly "they" are, but it seems like they might be onto something. Now, I'm fortunate to have my lovely wife, but others aren't always so lucky. Like my brother-in-law.
         He's a 33 year old self made millionaire and the CEO of his own company, which he started at 18 and continues to build up to this day. And women flock to him because of this, namely the kind that have more boobs than brains and whose dead, glossy little eyes are full of dollar signs. But once they find out what it takes to date him, they usually can't stick it out. You see, he's a great guy with a good sense of humor and a charming personality... but he's definitely your typical "eccentric" millionaire, and he has a lot of quirks that most women aren't willing to deal with.
         So what does it take to be able to date someone like my brother-in-law? Our good friend Jewels posed this question, so today I bring you our new game show...



















(True story. Let's just say the bathroom is a huge inconvenience for a busy VIP)
















          So there you have it, the winner is... nobody. Because dating a millionaire isn't always a vacation in Monaco and caviar for dinner and Lamborghini rides. Sometimes it's getting things that are right next to him, trimming toe claws, making all day Taco Bell runs, and dealing with the aftereffects of this... all day Taco Bell "runs." Sometimes it's realizing that he doesn't shower... often. Sometimes it's realizing that his creative genius is more than just IT Infrastructure, because he really doesn't care much to go to the bathroom when he's working, and he'll create inventive ways to evacuate waste without leaving his computer chair. I'll let you figure that one out for yourself.
          So forget all that "Bachelor" bullshit that we've been fed by TV and movies. Do you think you have what it takes to date a millionaire? Because I know I sure as hell don't.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Sam Adams
Music: King Charles

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