Monday, December 3, 2012

Rip Van Drinkle

Today's post is a true story. It's about Rip Van Drinkle, the intern who was hired here at A Beer for the Shower last week as a staff writer.


Now, if you're gonna write with the Beer Boys, you have to be able to hang with the Beer Boys, which means an epic night of drinking. As it turned out, Rip the Intern was somewhat of a lightweight when it came to alcohol. Apparently he didn't consider a 12 pack of beers an "appetizer" like we did. He called that "binge drinking" and "alcohol poisoning." Brandon and Bryan called that "being a sissy little girl."


But, showing good spirit, he refused to back down from the cascading flow of whiskey and beer that was forced upon him by Brandon and Bryan. He glugged, and chugged, and his brain was slowly soaked into a alcohol-drenched comatose mush. Before passing out, Rip the Intern dragged himself across the street, and locked himself inside the bathroom of a crusty 7-11. And there he rested.


For 45 years.


When Rip the Intern awoke, he had a wicked hangover. And liver spots. And an ungodly amount of spider eggs in every orifice he knew possible (and even a few he didn't know he had). And when he walked outside, he saw that the world he once knew was now gone. His girlfriend had married another man. Which was actually a woman. Which was actually a goat. Because, thanks to the tireless efforts of Wyoming residents, that had been nationally legalized in 2014.



Rip also found that his apartment building had become a quarantine zone for a deadly, flesh-eating plague.


When Rip tried to go back to work, he discovered that the offices of A Beer for the Shower looked as pristine and industrious as they ever had.


He walked inside and had never been so happy to see his former bosses (as they paid him minimum wage and never gave him any credit for his hilarious jokes).


Brandon hadn't changed a bit.


But Bryan had aged terribly. And like Rip, he hadn't shaved for the past 45 years either, apparently.



Rip told Bryan he didn't want to live in a time period where there was no longer such a thing as Twinkies. So, of course, Bryan offered to send him home in his homemade time machine.


But the trip took a huge toll on Rip's already battered body. He lost his hair in tufts. His teeth rotted out. His mind went to mush. One of his legs fell off.

And so, when he returned to 2012, Rip was home... but he was old, legless, and unemployable. He quickly went homeless, even as he tried to return to his roots and write blog jokes. Broken, addicted to laundry detergent (don't ask how you take that), and nearly insane, he didn't even recognize two familiar (and now highly successful) faces when they passed him on the street.



And thus is the tragic ballad of One-Leg Craig, who was once a little half-black boy named D'Trayshawn and is now a scruffy, drug-addled vagrant. Also, let this be a warning concerning the dangers of time travel, which can result in poverty, laundry detergent addiction, and amputation of limbs.*

*This post was sponsored by the International Playing With Barbie Dolls Can Turn You Gay Association

(For those of you who are new, One Leg Craig's the homeless guy who appears routinely in our comics. Well, rather, he's not so much homeless as he is a time-traveling comedy writer with alcohol poisoning and a bad memory.)

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Red Banshee
Music: Fierce Creatures

47 comments:

  1. Ha! I recognize him - glad I know the backstory now. Or, sad that I know. Poor guy! They don't teach you the dangers of time travel and laundry detergent early enough in schools anymore.

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  2. Replies
    1. Admittedly, we took a few liberties. Like with my facial hair. We all know it wouldn't look that thick and luxurious.

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    2. The bloody footprints were a nice touch too.

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  3. Gawd, nothin's sexier than a woman with an ear trumpet!

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  4. Yeah, 7/11s aren't too keen on keeping up with bathroom sanitation guidelines, so it's not hard to believe D'Trayshawn spent 45 years in one.

    It's good to finally know the background details to One-Leg Craig, though. I no longer feel in the dark.

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  5. I think this should be the plot of Looper.

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  6. Good thing that will never happen to me. I can drink with the best of 'em!!!!

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    1. You looking for a job as our staff writer, then? The hours are grueling and the pay is almost non existent, but we more than make up for it by stealing your jokes and not giving you any credit.

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  7. Goat Pride 2014!

    I did remember who the homeless guy was. It's nice to get some backstory on him and I totally believe it to be a true story. You guys are too poor to hire any actual staff so you got unpaid interns that didn't know any better.

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  8. haha i guess goats need to get their jollies on to. I like the backstory you created for him too and time travel is surely not something to be messed with, although this is sure to the extreme.

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  9. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO8kFHCXiEg

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  10. Wow... now there's some character development! Poor guy only needed some alcohol tolerance...

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  11. Now we need a back story for Peggy Sue! I think she's from space...

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  12. I thought it was inspired by my golden throne post all those months ago - I told Pat it really existed!!

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  13. So that is what happens when one tries to write crappy blog jokes for less crappy blog! Sign me up! I could collect disability benefits!

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  14. A 45 year hangover huh? And I thought that was bad haha, poor Rip the work experience guy. It made me laugh about his joke failing to work but being one of the main things that he loved about you guys after all these years. Shame about his wife though, that goat law's an odd one but what can you do? Awesome post as usual guys, really made me laugh.

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  15. You guys have a unique definition of "true," don't you? :P
    But it's okay, because, last night, I told my daughter I could hear when people are reading.

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  16. Well that was a surprise, but it usually is when you post something. I feel bad for Rip/Craig. But it's nice to know his backstory! It actually explains a lot.

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  17. I kinda picture beiber fever as more of a zombification thing than flesh eating plague, but that's just me :)
    Love this post!

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  18. I can't wait until 2014 so I can marry me a goat. Do I have to live in Wyoming or just get married there?

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  19. See what happens when you make the puss drink too much. sad sad story!

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  20. I think the alcohol consumption has made you delirious.

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  21. This was some deep-cut shit. It pays off if you're a long time ABftS enthusiast. And for that, we thank you. Also, I will take the "formaldehyde made me a pickle" thing as a shout out to me? Sure, why not. 7-11 bathrooms are the modern day Delorean, this is for sure.

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  22. I can relate to the "kissing him is like"...comment. You sure you didn't hire my ex?

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  23. I only shave when my girlfriend gets angry... Insert joke

    I thought time mushen had two e's

    Must be the whole "less vowels" thing that American spelling prefers

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  24. All that alcohol and time travel must of made him forget to slap a law suit on you for age discrimination and his being discriminated under the ADA. While he's at it perhaps he should go after the 7-11 for the diseases he picked up from the floor...seriously you know he had to of caught something. He may be old, legless and have an alcohol problem but having some cash won't hurt.

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  25. I'm not going to do the usual funny comment. I'm going to just tell you how bloody clever the ending of that was. Great writing boys.

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  26. I like to drink. I also have more limbs than I absolutely need. And I don't really need credit for my crappy jokes. Sign me up. One last thing; does the fact that I rarely wear pants, hinder my chance of gainful employment.?

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  27. I'm impressed. And as a long-time follower, I'm deeply amused too. That was a nie little present, didn't see it coming!

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  28. Nice. That was one gripping biography. It always adds so much to the blog-reading experience when you learn the characters' back stories. Or something like that...

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  29. Can't wait to see this on "E! True Hollywood Story"

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  30. Ha ha! I nearly clapped in glee when you revealed it was one-leg Craig! Brilliantness! And I love that your wife still has a great rack, even as an old lady :)

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  31. LOL'ed when I saw the Bieber quarantine..brilliant. Oh, and thanking God again my three tweeny girls are full of awesome. Because unlike every one of their classmates, they have great taste in music and collectively think Bieber's a tool.

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  32. I'm wondering how you obtained that picture of my house.

    I like how you guys manage to pack so much stuffs into one short story, including beer, pickles, and Twinkies. That's three great tastes that taste great together!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  33. It's so hard to find good interns these days let alone ones that won't come back from the future and ask you for money.

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  34. Hey guys- just left you guys an award on my blog. Thanks for making me laugh :)

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  35. To be fair, no one wants to live in a world without Twinkies. I'm pretty sure this time next year I could get more on ebay for a Twinkie than I could a kidney.

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  36. Can't stop thinking about the spider eggs... Ughhhhh

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  37. I'm going to wake up hung over everyday screaming "AAAARRRGGGGHHHH I've been pickled!"

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  38. How did you invent a time machine and not patent it? You'd be rich!

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  39. Poor Rip Van Drinkle. How is it that only one of you became pickled? And, hey, it would appear you grow facial hair about as well as my hubby and brothers. None of them have the mad skillz of facial hair growth. My dad, on the other hand, full beard. Go figure.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  40. Haha. I worry my fate might be similar to poor Rips x

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  41. And, of course, this could happen to all of us. So count your blessings an hope to die. ;)

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