Now, if you're gonna write with the Beer Boys, you have to be able to hang with the Beer Boys, which means an epic night of drinking. As it turned out, Rip the Intern was somewhat of a lightweight when it came to alcohol. Apparently he didn't consider a 12 pack of beers an "appetizer" like we did. He called that "binge drinking" and "alcohol poisoning." Brandon and Bryan called that "being a sissy little girl."
But, showing good spirit, he refused to back down from the cascading flow of whiskey and beer that was forced upon him by Brandon and Bryan. He glugged, and chugged, and his brain was slowly soaked into a alcohol-drenched comatose mush. Before passing out, Rip the Intern dragged himself across the street, and locked himself inside the bathroom of a crusty 7-11. And there he rested.
For 45 years.
When Rip the Intern awoke, he had a wicked hangover. And liver spots. And an ungodly amount of spider eggs in every orifice he knew possible (and even a few he didn't know he had). And when he walked outside, he saw that the world he once knew was now gone. His girlfriend had married another man. Which was actually a woman. Which was actually a goat. Because, thanks to the tireless efforts of Wyoming residents, that had been nationally legalized in 2014.
Rip also found that his apartment building had become a quarantine zone for a deadly, flesh-eating plague.
When Rip tried to go back to work, he discovered that the offices of A Beer for the Shower looked as pristine and industrious as they ever had.
He walked inside and had never been so happy to see his former bosses (as they paid him minimum wage and never gave him any credit for his hilarious jokes).
Brandon hadn't changed a bit.
But Bryan had aged terribly. And like Rip, he hadn't shaved for the past 45 years either, apparently.
Rip told Bryan he didn't want to live in a time period where there was no longer such a thing as Twinkies. So, of course, Bryan offered to send him home in his homemade time machine.
But the trip took a huge toll on Rip's already battered body. He lost his hair in tufts. His teeth rotted out. His mind went to mush. One of his legs fell off.
And so, when he returned to 2012, Rip was home... but he was old, legless, and unemployable. He quickly went homeless, even as he tried to return to his roots and write blog jokes. Broken, addicted to laundry detergent (don't ask how you take that), and nearly insane, he didn't even recognize two familiar (and now highly successful) faces when they passed him on the street.
And thus is the tragic ballad of One-Leg Craig, who was once a little half-black boy named D'Trayshawn and is now a scruffy, drug-addled vagrant. Also, let this be a warning concerning the dangers of time travel, which can result in poverty, laundry detergent addiction, and amputation of limbs.*
*This post was sponsored by the International Playing With Barbie Dolls Can Turn You Gay Association
(For those of you who are new, One Leg Craig's the homeless guy who appears routinely in our comics. Well, rather, he's not so much homeless as he is a time-traveling comedy writer with alcohol poisoning and a bad memory.)
Cheers and stay classy, folks!
Beer: Red Banshee
Music: Fierce Creatures