Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Blinded Him With Science


          It's been a while since I've talked about my lovely suburbanite neighbors. For those of you who are new, there are some links on the righthand side called 'Meet the Neighbors' where you can learn all about their mental deficiencies. If not, here's the long story short. I live in white suburbia. My wife is Mexican, and her brother is a millionaire (Internet marketing company) who sometimes comes to visit us in his Lamborghini, so the neighbors all spread rumors that we're meth dealers, because that's clearly the only way "the brown folk" can have money. But that's behind our backs. They love to give us fake cheesy smiles to our faces.


          Also, their 12 year old daughter (possibly 13 now) wears the skimpiest booty shorts I've ever seen. Like, if her leg even twitches you see ass.


          But now I have a new archnemesis. A nemesis whose name I still don't even know. A nemesis so fearsome it's probably best I never learn his name, so that its unmeasurable evil may never grace my lips...

          This man.


          No, that isn't Richard Dreyfuss (Or "Dreyfuth" as he might lisp), that's the squat little man living in the house behind mine. Like the other neighbors in this area, he drives a Prius and hates any car that makes noise. Namely, mine.


          With my own two hands, I've built this car up into something beastly. Loud, fast, and fun. A car meant to be driven. And yet, like any sane adult, I save that for areas that are not my neighborhood. But it's loud, and red, and not a Prius, so whenever I'm creeping by my neighbors at a turtle's pace (20 in a 25 mph zone) they always love to wave their hands at me urgently like I'm going to break the speed of sound and mow down their toddlers, which of course are always playing in the middle of the street. The nerve--what right does my car have to be driving through their playground??

           Anyway, a few weeks ago I was driving home through the alley, about to park my car, when this squat little man comes running after me like he's just learned the last Twinkie's been sold. Now, were he a civil human being with rational thought, logic, and courtesy, this is how the tale would have unfolded.




I assume this is how all British road rage ends
          But instead I was greeted by this.

Not an exaggeration
            Now I'm half white and half brown, which means part of me was thinking this...

White people wear Cosby sweaters. It's just, like, a fact, okay?
          But the other half of me was thinking this.



          Now one thing to understand about this neighborhood is that everyone takes everyone else's shit. That's just how it is. It's all about "keeping up appearances." But I'm not like that. This guy wanted to come up onto my driveway, beating his chest like a tough guy, so I got in his face and told him I wasn't speeding and he needed to fuck off. He then started screaming about how his grandchildren play in that alley (fucking brilliant) and I could have "run them over." And then he tried to scare me.

          "You know what happens next time you come down the alleyway?" he asked, like a little girl about to divulge the juiciest secret ever told. I'd swear his heart was about to explode from excitement. "I'm going to call the police! What do you think of that?"

          Apparently he thought that was going to be his shining moment, you know, where I shit my pants and pleaded, "No, please, don't call the policemen on me! I'll do anything! ANYTHING. Do you get me? N-E-THING."

          That wasn't exactly what happened.



          The grin fell from his face instantly. Suddenly, this wasn't going like he was expecting. But I wasn't done laying the verbal smackdown. No, he had come into my driveway looking for a fight and a fight he was going to get.

          So I bitch-slapped him... with science.




          His jaw slacked a little more. But I still wasn't done. For good measure, I got all lawyer-ish on him too.



I'd always wanted to interrupt someone like this, and if you haven't, goddamn does it feel gooood




           I'd swear at that moment he'd just started slobbering in defeat. Or maybe it was rage slobber. Finally, like a boxer in the 10th round on his last leg, he threw one last pathetic jab.


         I was all set to go in for the kill. But before I could act, it was actually my wife who threw the knockout punch. And she did it much more eloquently than I ever could.

This was asked by a 22 year old girl of a 60-something year old grandfather, mind you


           Not only did he realize he had no argument, he also realized he was a huge asshole. It's something special to see the look in another human being's eyes when they suddenly realize "I'm THAT guy." And so, having still never even mentioned his name, my combatant simply turned and walked away back to his house, muttering in shameful disgrace. Also, did I mention that since we had been so loud, we had drawn a few spectators by now?


          I glanced their way as I marched inside, and they all looked away so fast I'm pretty sure they got whiplash. No one's yelled at me since, or waved their arms at me, or even had the courage to make eye contact with me. They all look away sharply. If you know me in real life you'll probably laugh at that, because I'm the least threatening person you'll ever meet. But I warn you, do not fuck with me, because the brown will come out...


           ...and I will fuck your shit up. With science.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: Overwerk
Beer: Amberbock

66 comments:

  1. LMAO oh yes it is very fun to interupt someone as they make a dumbass point and let them have it. He surely had it coming and glad you gave it to him. At least for a while you won't have to deal with any of the crap neighbors, hopefully, now.

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  2. I actually clapped when I finished reading this post. I'm not kidding about this. Go show, old chap, for you and the Missus.

    -Barb

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  3. I think it's nice that you live in a close caring neighborhood.

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  4. They often say older folks are wise. I really haven't found many that make that statement true. Complaining about younger folks though, they got that spot on.

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  5. I am in fecking awe...all hail Bryan!

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  6. Oh my God. That is the funniest thing I've heard all week. I Love it.

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  7. You are a master of smack talk, and your wife is a master-ess. A mistress? No, that's got a whole other meaning. Either way, congratulations on your witty verbal put downs!

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  8. ROCK ON DUDE!!!!! I too drive a loud, red mustang. Mine is a 2009 GT convertible, California Special and it's redneck as hell. My pompous ass neighbors HATE it and so I rev the engine as loud as I can, put it in 3rd gear and tear off down the street blarin' some good' ol' southern rock to really piss 'em off.

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  9. Ooooo, rage slobber is the BEST kind! Well done, young sir.

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  10. Makes me wish I had neighbors, and a loud car...and testicles. That way I could knock someone out, with science! I love science! I could go all scientific on that ass in a heartbeat!

    Did you know that once a meteor hits the ground it is no longer called a meteor? It is called a meteorite!

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  11. I loved this, and I totally fell in love with your wife. I so try and just ignore these people, but sometimes it's absolutely necessary to call them out on their shit. I am really glad you did. There is a reason I live in a Mexican barrio. I never have to put up with crap like this. The most I've had to do was stomp across the street after the third time someone blocked my driveway and say, "Look, I've been nice up to this point. The next time you block my driveway I'm going to kick my gate open and destroy whatever car is parked there." That ended that.

    I am still a little grossed out by the gpa slobber. Ick.

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  12. Fan-freaggin-tas-tic!! I have three kids, and have never understood the stupidity of parents who think it's OK for their kids to go play in the street. The Husband and I even had a kid flip us off, for telling them to get out of the street, before they get hurt. ARGH!

    I am in awe of your half-white, half-brown, brilliant self.

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  13. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I take my hat off to you and your wife. Well done, old bean! :)

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  14. Yo, good work, Dogg!

    “Life is too long to take shit from people!”
    ~ Louie Banana at the '10 At 2 Kennel Klub Saloon'
    after gin & tonic #9, #9, #9, #9...

    ~ Stephen

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  15. Outstanding. Your wife going in for the kill had to send what remains of his shriveled graying testicles right back up into his abdomen for good.

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  16. Nice.

    It sounds like maybe the world would be better off with a few fewer spawn from this guy anyway.

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    1. I'd like to immediately apologize for this comment! I am of course, anti-vehicular manslaughter. For the most part, anyway.

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  17. I'm not sure I'm on board with the lower to the ground looks faster. Red cars get the bad rap (I know most of my tickets where in them) but the lower to the ground sounds pseudo-science to my ears, or eyes as this case may be.

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  18. First it gives us double stuffed oreos and now it puts the smack down on your neighbor. Is there anything science can't do?

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  19. I'm so torn.

    One one hand, I am so proud of your badassery. (and that of your lovely wife)
    On the other hand, only douches drive Mustangs.

    Hey, I didn't make the rules, I just know them. And should you doubt the validity of my statement, I counter you with proof that Only bitches drive Cavaliers. Now since you (must surely) know that is true, the rest you must accept as fact.
    I'm so sorry. (for you and your lovely wife)

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  20. "I assume this is how all British road rage ends"
    Made me laugh. So hard! Well done on the post and on putting your neighbour in his place! :)

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  21. Haha, that old fart didn't know what hit him.

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  22. I had kind of a similar experience once because a guy had hand made a 5 mph speed limit sign and posted it to a telephone pole in front of his house. Hand made. I was driving by at, maybe, 10 mph or so, not more than that for sure, and he came charging at my car yelling "don't you see the sign? don't you see the sign?"
    Demented.

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  23. This makes me extremely happy. People wave at me to slow down on my street, which only makes me go faster.

    But, I hate those jealous old farts who believe they are entitled to their false complaints. I'm glad you delivered an ungodly verbal beatdown to his wrinkly, white ass.

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  24. Wow, you absolutely completely and utterly destroyed this guy man, wow! It annoyed me to hear about him being so ignorant but the way that you diffused him and managed to not only convince him that you were able to do what you wanted and that his grand children were actually the ones to blame is honestly nothing short of magnificent, you basically took him into the verbal ring and destroyed him. Prius's are stupid anyway, it's a shame that your conversation didn't go in the reasonable and sophisticated way you said it should have.

    "when this squat little man comes running after me like he's just learned the last Twinkie's been sold." This line made me laugh and laugh hard. That last Twinkie day is going to be a sad one though.

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  25. That is some excellent science! And I think your wife is my long-lost twin. (You had to read the HOA newsletter though? My sympathies.)

    What a dipshit. BTW, I have the same car and I LOVE it, but hate the assumptions people make. To wit, I've gotten questions like, "Do you get a lot of tickets?" "Aren't you a cop magnet?" "Do you speed all the time?"

    To which I want to answer, "Yes, I'm a total dumbass! I got a new red Mustang to become a public menace and raise my insurance rates prohibitively."

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  26. I feel your pain brother. They hate my Irish ass here and it took me over a year to flip my shit on my cunt of a neighbor. But when I did, it scared the shite out of the bunch of them. It was glorious.

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  27. That sounds like it was an extremely satisfying encounter!!

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  28. Well done, thou good and faithful servant!

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  29. Nothing more satisfying than ending an argument by making the other party look like a dumb ass!

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  30. Well at least you used science to beat the tar out of him. I'm surprised you still never learned his name but it is a bit of a shame he never called the cops so you could have a good laugh. When we drive to my mums house a lot of kids do play in the street and on the backs but my dad doesn't listen to me when I tell him to speed up.

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  31. Oh god... your wife is the crowning jewel to this beautiful victory. Good job!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud that your brown-ness and whiteness melded to form a strong coalition against dumbassery.

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  32. OMG that is SO freaking awesome and satisfying. Good for you! Dayum.

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  33. that is too funny!!! i once had a woman knock on my door at 8am (i worked second shift then so that was early) to tell me i was a bad mother and my weeds were out of control. needless to say she hasnt came to my house since and when she goes by she rolls up her windows so i cant see her! dumb bitch! haha!

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  34. Oh shit that's funny. Even cartoons need to pull their pants up! How come you don't look half brown?

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  35. I adore you and your awesome wife, too :)

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  36. You two verbally kicked ass! In a hilarious way. I never knew that about cars though. I just thought "oh this engine is louder because it was made that way". Thanks for the science lesson!

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  37. You know when you're reading something and you're all HELL YEAH and rooting for the protagonist, and you get so into it that with each metaphorical blow your heart starts to race with excitement? THAT JUST HAPPENED. I'm all happy and stuff now. Hell yeah.

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  38. That is dripping in awesome...

    I had a nice conversation with a work experience kid trying to act tough. He was talking crap about the real world, women's rights, politics, etc. Just parroting the opinions of his parents the way young kids do because they haven't had the experience yet.

    It only took, "wow, and you have gathered all this 'evidence' from your small insular group of friends that you've had since primary school and your parents. Such a small sample size for polling, they must be really diverse. And all before the age of 21? You should run the country or something, you're onto something" to shut him up.

    I get he's are only trying to impress people, but please keep it down, I'm trying to eat my lunch here.

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  39. Not quite sure what part was my favorite, but loved the Dora blanket picking up kid!

    My neighbors called the Po-Po on me last week because my dog got out for two minutes and went too close to their yard (apparently there is a leash law). I think I might be a criminal, now. Maybe.

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  40. Oh man, I just love your posts, they always make me laugh. THe last comic pic was the best one, esse...lol. Btw, I really want your car, maybe we can trade, I drive a Focus, it's not a Prius but the emissions are super low...:)

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  41. Oh man, this is like the Mortal Kombat of verbal battles, with your wife delivering the Fatality move.

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  42. The brown will come out? LOL! I never heard that before. I got a flash of someone crapping.

    "like a little girl about to divulge the juiciest secret ever told." Love this line.

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  43. I just want to say well done. Everyone needs one of these moments in there lives when they can make a asshole look and feel like a asshole and you did it with style.

    Just as a side note. In England with road rage incidents we tend to follow the offender until you can commit a greater act of road rage against them. Its not eye for a eye more eye for a limb.

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  44. LOL! Don't you love it when that happens! I remember having a similar discussion with my neighbours, where they stood there, giving me verbal hell for the trees in my yard dropping leaves in theirs, then DEMANDING that I have them chopped down. I let them rant for about five minutes, then when they ran out of steam I calmly told them that I rent, so they'd have to talk to my landlady.

    Never saw someone stopped in their tracks so quickly before in my life.

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  45. I can't believe logic and reason (and a couple of curse words) worked! Indignant old people never back down! That's quite the accomplishment. You should feel some manly pride. Also, explain that the batteries that go into the Prius require more pollutants and child labor to create, and certainly are a burden on the environment when disposed of than they could ever make up with emissions.

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  46. BRAVO, I say my dear sir, BRAVO!

    I love his moobs by the way.

    I had a neighbor who hated people he thought was speeding down our street so much he had a stuffed doll from the store that he would throw into the street to scare the shit out of people. He would toss it at the cars and force them to slam on their brakes and eventually he got in trouble. It's all fun and games until someone beat the crap out of him.

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  47. ::high fives:: Well done! I must say though, that's a pretty sweet 'stang you got there! :)

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  48. I love you. and your wife. And I drive almost the same car. Although mine is a much more refined pewter grey with black soft top. It is AWESOME.

    Your car is Red. It incites the old peeps. I think this color on anything other than a Buick gives off a high pitched vibration like a dog whistle that only effects people over 60. But that's just a theory.

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  49. The Dora blankie was a nice addition. Nicely done! I love handing out a smackdown. See, you have this nice car, but I used to deal with the same thing when my poor little car was just a Chevy Cavalier. But it was red. And it was a convertible. Gasp! It didn't have a growling engine. It wasn't especially low to the ground. It was more a case of waving red in front of idiots' eyes, I guess. Perhaps it had to do with the wavelength of red light making it look like it was going faster?

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  50. Haha, nice!! You guys are awesome, and so is your car. Be PROUD of this accomplishment, I'm not yet confident enough to cut a stranger down like that. Although I'm sure I will learn to stand my ground someday.

    Love it ^_^

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  51. Brilliant. I need lessons from you so I can deal with all the know it all assholes at work

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  52. Bryan, if you were my neighbor... I'd shake your hand.
    Wouldn't it be funny to pimp a Prius? (Just kidding.)

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  53. Ever notice how you come aross somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with?

    That's you.

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  54. I think "Verbal K.O." should have been one of the ways of winning a Street Fighter II match.

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  55. That is awesome. I have a tendency to get into those situations. It's awesome when I win. I don't always, but that's usually because they don't stop screaming long enough to hear the other side.

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  56. I would of thrown out an "E=MC2" for good measure.

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  57. There are few things as satisfying as shutting a fuckface down with your brains. Good for you, ByPed. (I'm going to assume that this is your street names as well as your rapper name now. 'Cause that's how I roll.)

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  58. Cue ball, HAHAHA.. I noticed you're a tighty-whities man...

    This is too funny. God I love cars. haha. People are so ill-informed sometimes.

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    1. Let me just go on record as saying that I draw myself with whitey-tighties for the sake of comedy, but I do not, in fact, wear those awful white man-panties.

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    2. I think your comic was great and shouldn't have to deal with that from anyone.

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