1. Harry Potter
We all want to believe in magic, and we all want to believe in happy endings, but after reading the cheery, cliched, overly-happy ending, in which Harry marries Ginny and has a truckload of kids (and so do Ron and Hermione) I realized this was all just a heroin induced dream. You see, Harry suffered a lot of abuse at his aunt and uncle's house, so he dropped out of school and took up heroin. His experiences with the wizard school, making a ton of friends, fighting the forces of evil, and swinging a magic wand were all hallucinations of the life he wished he had. And Voldemort, well, he wasn't a bad guy, he was just a homeless guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. One swing of Harry's magic wand--or switchblade, I should say--took his nose right off. There's no happy ending for this boy wizard, who spends his days in a back alley talking to a ginger cat and a bag of trash.
2. Lord of the Rings
It wasn't until I read this book again that I realized what J.R.R. Tolkien was really trying to say. See, we all knew that Smeagol was Gollum, but what we didn't know was that like Fight Club on steroids, Frodo was Smeagol AND Gollum the whole time. Smeagol represents Frodo's homosexual feelings toward Samwise Gamgee, and as his love gets more sexually violent (and conflicted, because Sam's his friend), he turns into Gollum, a lusty, evil creature intent on stealing the One Ring. The One Ring, of course, is a crude representation of Sam's anal sphincter.
Possessing Sam's "precious" would surely destroy the world (I think J.R.R. Tolkien was a bit of a homophobe) so Frodo destroys it in the fires of Mount Doom and simultaneously kills his gay alter-egos, Smeagol and Gollum, wherein he can return to a happy life of heterosexuality. I don't necessarily agree with the author, but hey, it was written in a time when people were less tolerant.
Remember folks, you can't pray away the gay, but you can incinerate it in the fires of Mount Doom.
3. Fifty Shades of Grey
It's easy to dismiss this book as being "terrible" and "poorly written" simply because it's terrible and poorly written, but E.L. James is a genius. Beneath a work of bad fan fiction is a greater story of a woman crying out for help.
A young virgin meets a gorgeous, well hung billionaire who makes her cum like a fire-hose even just by touching her. He's breathtakingly handsome, he devotes every second of every day to her, and he buys her everything she could ever want. It sounds too good to be true--like something out of a dream, right? That's because it is.
Ana was locked away in a poorly kept insane asylum in the 1960s, having been the receptionist for an attractive married man that wouldn't even look at her. As a consequence, she began to hurt herself, only to find out that she liked the pain. After being committed to the insane asylum, doctors tried some controversial electroshock therapy that fried her brain. Now she lays in a vegetative state, in a dark, padded cell, dreaming of the perfect man she always wanted.
The guards are ruthless and beat her as often as they can, but unbeknownst to them, she likes the beatings. They make her cum like a fire-hose.
So there you have it: heroin addiction, repressed homosexuality, and vegetative abuse, all cleverly embedded into your favorite stories. In fact, our newest novel, The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson, is a metaphor for the Marxist movement and its effect on modern day economic and sociopolitical worldview... Or something like that.
Did we miss any?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: The Ruby Suns
Beer: Lefthand Milk Stout Nitro