Thursday, December 27, 2012

Harry Potter Was a Delusional Heroin Addict

          Sometimes when we read a book, we only see the story in front of us and we end up missing the clever subtext being injected by the author. It can often be hard to catch. But fret not, because over Christmas Break we've been doing a lot of reading, and we wanted to share with you our findings on some popular books you may have read and misunderstood (or maybe you just saw the movie and missed out entirely. I'm not one to judge).

1. Harry Potter

           We all want to believe in magic, and we all want to believe in happy endings, but after reading the cheery, cliched, overly-happy ending, in which Harry marries Ginny and has a truckload of kids (and so do Ron and Hermione) I realized this was all just a heroin induced dream. You see, Harry suffered a lot of abuse at his aunt and uncle's house, so he dropped out of school and took up heroin. His experiences with the wizard school, making a ton of friends, fighting the forces of evil, and swinging a magic wand were all hallucinations of the life he wished he had. And Voldemort, well, he wasn't a bad guy, he was just a homeless guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. One swing of Harry's magic wand--or switchblade, I should say--took his nose right off. There's no happy ending for this boy wizard, who spends his days in a back alley talking to a ginger cat and a bag of trash.


2. Lord of the Rings

        It wasn't until I read this book again that I realized what J.R.R. Tolkien was really trying to say. See, we all knew that Smeagol was Gollum, but what we didn't know was that like Fight Club on steroids, Frodo was Smeagol AND Gollum the whole time. Smeagol represents Frodo's homosexual feelings toward Samwise Gamgee, and as his love gets more sexually violent (and conflicted, because Sam's his friend), he turns into Gollum, a lusty, evil creature intent on stealing the One Ring. The One Ring, of course, is a crude representation of Sam's anal sphincter. 
         Possessing Sam's "precious" would surely destroy the world (I think J.R.R. Tolkien was a bit of a homophobe) so Frodo destroys it in the fires of Mount Doom and simultaneously kills his gay alter-egos, Smeagol and Gollum, wherein he can return to a happy life of heterosexuality. I don't necessarily agree with the author, but hey, it was written in a time when people were less tolerant.
          Remember folks, you can't pray away the gay, but you can incinerate it in the fires of Mount Doom.


3. Fifty Shades of Grey

         It's easy to dismiss this book as being "terrible" and "poorly written" simply because it's terrible and poorly written, but E.L. James is a genius. Beneath a work of bad fan fiction is a greater story of a woman crying out for help.
          A young virgin meets a gorgeous, well hung billionaire who makes her cum like a fire-hose even just by touching her. He's breathtakingly handsome, he devotes every second of every day to her, and he buys her everything she could ever want. It sounds too good to be true--like something out of a dream, right? That's because it is.
           Ana was locked away in a poorly kept insane asylum in the 1960s, having been the receptionist for an attractive married man that wouldn't even look at her. As a consequence, she began to hurt herself, only to find out that she liked the pain. After being committed to the insane asylum, doctors tried some controversial electroshock therapy that fried her brain. Now she lays in a vegetative state, in a dark, padded cell, dreaming of the perfect man she always wanted. 
           The guards are ruthless and beat her as often as they can, but unbeknownst to them, she likes the beatings. They make her cum like a fire-hose.


         So there you have it: heroin addiction, repressed homosexuality, and vegetative abuse, all cleverly embedded into your favorite stories. In fact, our newest novel, The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson, is a metaphor for the Marxist movement and its effect on modern day economic and sociopolitical worldview... Or something like that.
         Did we miss any?
         
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Ruby Suns
Beer: Lefthand Milk Stout Nitro

37 comments:

  1. Lord of the rings will never be the same! Keep Frodo away from my precious!

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  2. Still witty as ever! I couldn't see it before but wow Druggie Harry is right on the money!

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  3. Oh the way your minds work! One of these days, you'll have to film the two of you in a writing session...I'm not sure if it will be hysterical or scary...probably both :)

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  4. Haha! I loved all of these. And I haven't read a single one of these books. All of my books don't have to have subtext because the people really ARE crazy or or heroin. Maybe I can do a bizarro world version where they are all totally clean cut and have good jobs.

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  5. Blasphemous, this talk of LOTR! I can't wait to make my guy friends mad at me by bringing up this idea

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  6. >>... It's easy to dismiss this book as being "terrible" and "poorly written" simply because it's terrible and poorly written

    Ha!-Ha! A truly classic line that I will no doubt steal and put to my own use sometime within the next 12 months!

    I haven't read any of those books but I'd be a fool not to take your word about them.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  7. You forgot "vegetative pregnancy" in 50 shades- ugh talk about going Twilight.....babies have no place in my fantasies!

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  8. I guess it really is all about the sub-context. Thank you for the lesson in advanced film-making. Or is it book-writing?

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  9. " The One Ring, of course, is a crude representation of Sam's anal sphincter. "

    Of course.

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  10. That was spot on indeed, one needs a veggie brain or at least a huge mixture of drugs just to get through 50 shades of smut.

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  11. I never realized how gay the LOTR relationships seemed, until I watched the movies. The last twenty minutes of Return of the King, make you think they're getting ready to have a "life partner celebration" right there in the Shire.

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  12. Wow... the things you don't pick up on just by, you know, reading the story! :) Thanks for the enlightenment, boys!

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  13. I never picked up on this before but you're so right, especially when it comes to the Lord of the Rings, crazy stuff buddy, and done in a funny way too as usual which makes the discovery all the more sweeter.

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  14. I got that Frodo and Sam were gay, it was pretty obvious, but I didn't get that he was Smeagol and Gollum at the same time. There are plenty of really weird subtexts that are genuinely in Harry Potter that are dark to explore, such as Dumbledore's brother being a sheep shagger.

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  15. I loved this post! Especially your interpretation of 50 shades! Brilliant!

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  16. Replies
    1. Every day at the retirement home Noah tells a story to senile old Allie to get her to fall in love with him. What the reader doesn't realize is that Noah had never actually met Allie before. He just had a crush on her when he first moved into the retirement home, and he tried everything he could to get her to like him, but the only way it ever worked was when he told her some made up cheezy story about how they met in the 1940s. The reader also doesn't know that the story completely changes every single time it's told, and sometimes it includes things like cowboys or jousting or space aliens, because Allie's senile and really just doesn't know any better. Noah, meanwhile, gets his rocks off doing this because he's just a bored, lonely old man waiting to die.

      People applaud this book, but what they're really applauding is senior abuse.

      You're welcome. :)

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  17. I think a new blog is in order. 'Effed up book reviews' by B&B.

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  18. You guys nailed it!!! I always wondered about Harry and his knack for magic. That really only happens with a druggie. And Ana is obviously insane to enjoy being whipped to an amazing orgasm 3 times a day!!!

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  19. Thanks guys! Now that that's cleared up I won't turn into crying snotty mess every time I watch it.

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  20. well I guess at least Ana's happy

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  21. You should totally include the notebook review in the main article as an addendum. Great stuff guys.

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  22. Out of those three, I've only read/seen the Harry Potter books/movies. I can't say how likely the other two are but I would not be surprised at all by the last one. Poor Harry though! Must have been a drug war that killed off so many characters towards the end.

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  23. Ha! "Cum like a fire hose." *vomits*

    Poor harry potter. He can't catch a break.

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  24. I'd love to see your take on Jack and Jill :)

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    Replies
    1. http://www.abeerfortheshower.com/2012/06/jack-and-jill-and-zombies.html

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  25. Now Harry Potter makes sense. I wish I would of known about the heroine problem as I read the books....it would have given new meaning to the talking pictures, invisible trains, and such.

    I am not sure that I can see the gay in Lord of the Rings. If we are to envision the characters as they are in the movie...Gollum isn't any where near good looking enough to be gay. (yes, it is my opinion that 99.9 percent of gay men are super good looking.)

    50 Shades of Gray...I did dismiss it for being terrible and poorly written.

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  26. You missed where the Hunger Games really is about cannibalism. Collins tried to tell us right there in the title, but people try to ignore it.

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  27. Haha, I am so glad you cleared all that up and explained the true stories behind these books. I have always wondered about Samwise and Frodo. The seemed a bit chummy...

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  28. Subtext, I think you're doing it wrong.

    I never did manage to finish lord of the rings.

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  29. Come on, Frodo wouldn't turn into Gollum if he were succumbing to his gay urges, he'd turn into that blonde archer dude with sweet abs. Gay dudes, unless they're bears (like the short bearded dude with the axe) turn into well-groomed, ab crunching, pristine guys, not grimy troll things. (Stereotypes are fun when they're complimentary, right?)

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  30. long time! catchin up xD
    Trust me third version sounds too true to be a fact :P

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  31. I already suspected Harry was on something and now I know for sure. Do you fellas think the heroin also gave him that accent?

    Did you say you read LOTR again? Dear Lord. I read ten pages and gave up. Too many names to remember that sound too strange to remember. Mr. Frodo.... Why did that guy say mister? I finally know. Thanks for saving me another visit to my shrink. I feel free now.

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  32. I blame this entry (since I read it yesterday but didn't have time to comment until today) for the dream I had that I was making out with Harry Potter last night.

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  33. Great, pick the day I go to see The Hobbit and ruin it for me. Good one, guys. How am I supposed to replay the scenes in my head now? Sheesh!

    Do you mind if I take the summary paragraph and turn it into a story all of it's own? Drugs, repression, vegetable abuse - it's got everything!

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  34. PUT YOUR FINGER INSIDE THE PRECIOUS!!!!! So funny you guys always have me in stitches. That is why I constantly tell my "friends" about your site. Keep it up....like I need to tell you that.

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  35. It makes perfect sense top me. Especially the Harry Potter books. After all that turmoil, how could everything just calm to normal...well, normal for witches.

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