1. Shockingly, the world didn't end. Again. But that didn't stop a lot of people from going into panic. I mean, hey, who would listen to someone like the brilliant astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson insisting the world would be okay when you can misinterpret the calendar system of an ancient people that believed if you looked through a mirror that monsters could pull you through to the Otherworld?
But worry not, doomsayers, because just like last year was supposedly the end of the world thanks to misinterpreted Biblical calculations (Harold Camping), and this year was the end of the world thanks to a misinterpreted calendar (Mayans), next year will no doubt bring another arbitrary doomsday spawning from a ridiculously non-credible source. Who will it be? The Illuminati? The Westboro Baptists? Cryogenically frozen Space Hitler thawed out from the surface of the moon and sent back in time to kill us all? Stay tuned!
2. In January, a group of men old enough to remember when "your grandpappy was knee-high to a grasshopper", aka the US House of Representatives, tried to pass the SOPA and PIPA bills in an attempt to censor something they clearly don't understand, the Internet.
Thankfully, neither bill passed, because it's amazing what happens when us lazy people of the Internet rally together for something we truly care about. You hear that, Kony 2012?
3. While a handful of Americans were foolishly being distracted by the goings-on of the U.S. Presidential election, the rest of the world was transfixed on the emergence of 2012's real star: Honey Boo Boo. Move out of the way Michelle Obama, because obesity is not only here to stay... it's freakin' fabulous.
Yes, the world likes to say that they're laughing at her, not with her, but this fat, smelly little walking heart-attack makes $50,000 an episode. Meanwhile, I didn't even make $50,000 all year. So who's truly laughing last?
4. In August, NASA sent a Rover up to explore Mars. He's sent us back some great photographs, but as someone who doesn't know a whole lot about science, I still cannot understand how a Mars Rover took all those pictures without an opposable thumb.
Such is the beauty and the mystery of science.
6. The zombie apocalypse became a huge deal, with many people creating their own plans for the rise of the undead. As for us, we combined #5 and #6, because if zombies emerged we'd have Chris Brown on our side in a heartbeat. We're safe because he won't hit a man, but the zombies sure aren't; who else is going to bash all those girl zombies?
7. Snooki bred. Because if there's one thing this world needs, it's more of her running around.
8. We learned a few things about Prince William and the royal family. First, that he defied all odds and impregnated his beautiful wife, which is definitely cause for worldwide celebration and 20 page news stories. Secondly, we learned that Princess Kate is good at making pancakes. No wait, those were just her boobs when a French tabloid made a huge deal out of photographing her topless.
Really though, the fact that either of those became such big "news" was truly sad, and after seeing 20+ page spreads about both of these so-called stories, it begged the eternal question, "Who gives a fuck?"
So needless to say... not a lot happened this year. Extremely uneventful. But maybe next year will be more exciting, eh? Either way, both of us wish you a very Happy New Year, and we hope that 2013 brings you as much drunken fun as it will surely bring us.
What was your favorite memory of 2012?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan
Music: Kishi Bashi
Beer: Negra Modelo