Monday, December 31, 2012

2012: A Year in Drunken Review

Greetings, folks! And welcome to the end of 2012. We did it. We survived another year without completely nuking ourselves into oblivion. Way to go, humanity! And, while that stands as a marked achievement of the past year, a lot of other cool stuff happened too. Here's a list of some of the highs... but mostly the lows.

1. Shockingly, the world didn't end. Again. But that didn't stop a lot of people from going into panic. I mean, hey, who would listen to someone like the brilliant astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson insisting the world would be okay when you can misinterpret the calendar system of an ancient people that believed if you looked through a mirror that monsters could pull you through to the Otherworld?




But worry not, doomsayers, because just like last year was supposedly the end of the world thanks to misinterpreted Biblical calculations (Harold Camping), and this year was the end of the world thanks to a misinterpreted calendar (Mayans), next year will no doubt bring another arbitrary doomsday spawning from a ridiculously non-credible source. Who will it be? The Illuminati? The Westboro Baptists? Cryogenically frozen Space Hitler thawed out from the surface of the moon and sent back in time to kill us all? Stay tuned!

2. In January, a group of men old enough to remember when "your grandpappy was knee-high to a grasshopper", aka the US House of Representatives, tried to pass the SOPA and PIPA bills in an attempt to censor something they clearly don't understand, the Internet.


Thankfully, neither bill passed, because it's amazing what happens when us lazy people of the Internet rally together for something we truly care about. You hear that, Kony 2012?

3. While a handful of Americans were foolishly being distracted by the goings-on of the U.S. Presidential election, the rest of the world was transfixed on the emergence of 2012's real star: Honey Boo Boo. Move out of the way Michelle Obama, because obesity is not only here to stay... it's freakin' fabulous.



Yes, the world likes to say that they're laughing at her, not with her, but this fat, smelly little walking heart-attack makes $50,000 an episode. Meanwhile, I didn't even make $50,000 all year. So who's truly laughing last?


4. In August, NASA sent a Rover up to explore Mars. He's sent us back some great photographs, but as someone who doesn't know a whole lot about science, I still cannot understand how a Mars Rover took all those pictures without an opposable thumb.


Such is the beauty and the mystery of science.

5. Chris Brown and Rihanna got back together, proving that an angry fist can only drive "true love" apart for so long. Sure, their music may suck, but I foresee a ton of "big hits" in their future.

6. The zombie apocalypse became a huge deal, with many people creating their own plans for the rise of the undead. As for us, we combined #5 and #6, because if zombies emerged we'd have Chris Brown on our side in a heartbeat. We're safe because he won't hit a man, but the zombies sure aren't; who else is going to bash all those girl zombies?


7. Snooki bred. Because if there's one thing this world needs, it's more of her running around.


8. We learned a few things about Prince William and the royal family. First, that he defied all odds and impregnated his beautiful wife, which is definitely cause for worldwide celebration and 20 page news stories. Secondly, we learned that Princess Kate is good at making pancakes. No wait, those were just her boobs when a French tabloid made a huge deal out of photographing her topless.


          Really though, the fact that either of those became such big "news" was truly sad, and after seeing 20+ page spreads about both of these so-called stories, it begged the eternal question, "Who gives a fuck?"
          So needless to say... not a lot happened this year. Extremely uneventful. But maybe next year will be more exciting, eh? Either way, both of us wish you a very Happy New Year, and we hope that 2013 brings you as much drunken fun as it will surely bring us.
        What was your favorite memory of 2012?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Kishi Bashi
Beer: Negra Modelo

51 comments:

  1. Yeah I think the only reason Kate was furious over the photo shoot is because every saw she's pretty flat.

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  2. I'll predict an cow uprising, they had enough of us and will farm us instead for tasty human burgers!!
    here is to another attempt of world domination!

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  3. I'm happy to know I'm not the only fan of Honey Boo Boo - I just knew you guys were too! ha ha ha!!

    Reading here is always educational. I had no idea about the Mayans and the mirror myth. Very interesting.

    As for zombies, it's gonna happen!

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  4. Who could forget LuLu the plus size pole dancer on America's Got Talent? When she did that drop split you could hear it around the world. Michelle Obama would have a field day with her!!!

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  5. I hear Representative McDingleberry is gonna make a run for the Presidency in 2016...that is unless Cryogenically frozen Space Hitler gets the nomination instead.

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  6. Yeah, nothing happened in 2012...you guys didn't realize like 5 books or anything. haha. I have no words for your recap of the year---it's both depressing and upsetting...why? You forgot about my hillbilly handfishing, gator hunting, and duck call making messes that I love. lol.

    Happy New Year, Bryan and Brandon. I hope 2013 provides more blog fodder for you-I have a feeling it will.

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  7. I want my fifteen minutes of fame!

    Call the media... I am predicting the world is going to end on April 10, 2013.

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  8. I most enjoyed your review of NASA's (Never A Straight Answer) Rover to Mars mission.

    You know, the only way they could get Rover to make the trip was by lying to him and convincing him that Mars was made of bacon.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  9. A lovely year it was indeed. Also, your depiction of Honey Boo Boo? Spot on. She needs to go, though. And so does her family. It won't be long before they started attracting the earth instead of the earth attracting them.

    Happy new year, folks!

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  10. Wishing you boyz a beer-filled but safe New Year's Eve! May the big bucks start rolling in for you in 2013!

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  11. haha great year in review, but honey boo boo must get the feck off tv, she is going to bring forth the end of the world, secretly a tool of the illuminati.

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  12. Ha! I love spacedog! My favorite moment(s) were the marijuana/gay marriage referendums passing. Let's get potted up on weed and go gay marry each other!!

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  13. Honey BooBoo scares me. Your version will surely give me nightmares. Thanks!

    Happy New Year!!!

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  14. As much as I am a fan of your artwork...the picture of Snookie is scary. Totally accurate for sure but still scary.

    Let's hope that 2013 does a better job at NOT making celebrities out of the likes of Honey Boo Boo.

    Happy New Year!!

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  15. The fact that Honey Boo Boo is famous makes me wish the Mayans were right.

    Happy New Year, guys!

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  16. 2013 is the year the great water egg (Earth) will hatch and the cosmic dragon will emerge. Life is only here to provide the cosmic dragon a snack after he crawls out of the center of the cracked egg.

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  17. I'm trying to block out most of 2012. To the New Year!!!

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  18. In 2013 I'm seriously considering starting my own religious cult. I heard you can make a lot of money off such things.

    Or sell dog poop disguised as natural Chinese medicine.

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  19. "5. Chris Brown and Rihanna got back together, proving that an angry fist can only drive "true love" apart for so long. Sure, their music may suck, but I foresee a ton of "big hits" in their future."

    This paragraph made me laugh uncontrollably but all of these were awesome, the fact that Snooki reproduced was a big deal this year says bad things about society though and the same for Kim Kardashian going into 2013.

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  20. Forgot to wish you two lads a happy 2013 as well, have a good one guys!

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  21. I was hoping I could forget that most of this stuff happened, although the way the internet came together for SOPA/PIPA really did fill me with pride.

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  22. I laughed all the way through this.

    Is that a photograph or a cartoon of Snooki? I can't tell.

    Happy New Year, guys.
    xoRobyn

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  23. I had never heard of Honey Boo Boo. I mean, I kinda heard the name in passing but thought that the person speaking was just a moron. They were but that's beside the point. That said, my 2012 is now complete that you explained her to me. Thank you for that. I think

    (Happy 2013, Beer-guys!)

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  24. Honey Boo Boo is a symptom of a greater disease and that disease is paedophilia.

    Seriously, wishing you boys the best of success as writers in the coming year!

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  25. This has to be *the* definitive 2012 list.
    I only wish I could only un-see Snookie camel toe, ugh!

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  26. I forgot about SOPA and PIPA. That would have really sucked, but they never had much of a chance. Too many internet people out there who did not like the idea because we understand and like the internet.

    Other than that, things were actually kinda boring. I'm not really complaining though since, you know, the world is still around and stuff.

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  27. Well, hope you didn't want to go to England because that depiction of Kate assures a lifetime ban. It's like depicting the prophet Mohammed but for British people. Also, I'm getting on the bandwagon and predicting the end of the world. According to my studies of ancient mole people paintings, the world will end in 2013! Proof? It's the first year of the new millennium with four unique numbers! Air tight.

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  28. The only thin that stands out to me about this year is how freaking FAST it's gone by! Sheesh!

    Anyway, Happy New Year!

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  29. Happy New Year guys! I'm very happy to see 2013 arrive. I was surprised you guys didn't mention Whitney's death. Are you guys getting soft?

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  30. Maybe next year the Westboro Baptist Church members will drink the Kool-Aid when the predict the end. Wouldn't that be great? In the meantime, I'll settle for world peace and a $1 million donation to my work...

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  31. In the real world, watching people who voted for the Messiah (yet again) finally come to the realization that life is about to go severely downhill for the next four years. That, and seeing Westboro getting a dose of their own medicine when their website was hacked by Anonymous.

    In my world, my best memory of 2012 was getting published.

    Next year, I'm shootng for yet another story to be published.

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  32. Wow, this year was scarier and dumber than I remember! Well, here's hoping 2013 will be smarter! But it probably won't be.

    Have a great new year, boys!

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  33. I don't know when the world will end, but I predict that the YEAR will end on December 31st on the basis of the ancient Gregorian calendar.

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  34. I'm still appalled at the thought of Snooki reproducing. Some things just need not have the ability.

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  35. Happy New Year Guys!

    You stay classy too :)

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  36. I think that the new date for the world to end is 13/13/13, just in case you want to mark it on your calendars.

    Happy New Year, dudes.

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  37. Happy new year, guys. Here's to hoping that next year we ALL make at least a little bit more than Honey does for one episode of horrific American TV....

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  38. Big hits in their future... Zing ;)

    Looking forward to another year with the beers

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  39. The entire year was a blur for me so I can't really say. :P

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  40. Bahahaha! Love the camel toe on Snooki- having the pleasure of living at the Jersey Shore, has unfortunately left me with the "pleasure" of seeing the live version of that, walking down on our boardwalk.

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  41. I am more than a little afraid of the creature that will be this year's break out reality star.

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  42. Excellent year-in-review, and Happy New Year! I suppose we should be thankful that there wasn't all that much to report on in 2012. Hopefully, 2013 will be just as uneventful... unless the coming events include time travel or something equally cool.

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  43. You know, I really don't have a favorite memory of 2012. It's odd because I thought I enjoyed it, but in reality I'm just glad I wasn't pissed off with it the whole way through.

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  44. "Such is the beauty and the mystery of science" is my favorite line from this hilarious post.

    Happy 2013 to you!

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  45. If Space Hitler dethaws, he and the Westboro nutcases can fight it out to the death. Westboro crazies gotta hate Europeans right? And Hitler hates hillbillies more than the Jews, so I figure... win win?

    And your Mars Rover, that tickled me way more than it probably should have.

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  46. Uhm, there was a new season of Moonshiners. Avengers. Not much is jumping out at me.

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