Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Opening Band That Didn't Make Any Sense Whatsoever


        Have you ever gone to a concert and seen an opening band so bad it just made you stone cold sober on the spot? Like, the 4 beers you just drank didn't even exist? Well, a few weeks ago I did, and that band was one so truly terrifying that I'll never forget it. It was the worst band I've ever seen/heard in my life. In fact, the moment I got home my wife said, "Oh God, you're going to blog about this, aren't you?"
        And I said, "It'd be a crime not to."
        It's a band called Friends, and they opened recently for Two Door Cinema Club here in Denver. My wife and I were excited for the show. Once we got inside, though, it was a long wait, even just for the opening act, and the crowd was restless.


          So let me set the stage. The lights dim, and the audience begins a light round of applause. A woman that looks like a 12 year old girl on crack totters out onto the stage, holding a guitar that's bigger than she is. She's wearing nothing but a leather jacket and panties, which we notice because she flashes the audience any time she makes even a hint of movement.



          Next comes the drummer, a hipster in skinny jeans and a Bob Saget sweater so big and so ugly that the only thing missing is a huge cat face on the front.


       Next comes the bongo player, an abnormally scrawny guy with long hair and Harry Potter glasses, wearing a wifebeater.



       Then, like a bad joke, comes the keyboard player. He has to be almost 50 years old. He has white patches in his beard, he's overweight, and he's wearing a beret which I imagine covers his bald spot. Also, did I mention he's wearing some kind of Super Mario Bros. suspenders?

In this case, the M stands for Middle-aged
         I know what you're thinking. We're done, right? No. Next a man in full makeup and drag comes out, with a badly shaved Skrillex-style mullet, wearing 6 inch stripper heels. He's also unusually hairy. He's holding a microphone, but he doesn't sing. No, the tranny man starts 'voguing.'



           Is this the lead singer, we wonder? No, this isn't the lead singer, because the lead singer walks out next. Or I should say stumbles. She's drugged out of her mind, slurring her words, and shoving the microphone so far into her mouth she's practically giving it a blowjob. And her outfit, well, I don't know what the fuck she's wearing. It's like MC Hammer pants pulled up to her saggy tits, which makes her look like Grimace the McDonald's character. Her eyebrows are sharp and pointy and have to be at least a foot long.


You'll never look at him the same way again

       But hey, maybe the music's still good. We're willing to give it a chance. And then the music begins... and it's every bit as terrible as you might imagine. Maybe even worse. The singer wails and screeches like a cat whose tail just got stomped on. Bongo man hits his bongos. Tranny dancer guy continues to vogue.

The audience...


And Meli and I...


But we aren't being trolled. Another song starts, and another, and then... as if it wasn't weird enough, these guys decide to kick it up to 11 and make shit even weirder. The lead singer starts making out with the tranny dancer.


Then the tranny dancer starts making out with bongo man.



         And all that... the voguing, the making out, the terrible screeching, the shitty music... that all lasted for 45 minutes. 45 grueling minutes. When they finally left the stage, there was barely any applause, and I'm pretty sure those who clapped were just happy they were leaving.
       
         If you think I'm making this all up, I'm not. Here's their "hit" single, which features cracked-out singer's trademark screeches. Skip to 1:30 to hear them (that's the "chorus"). Or don't. Save your eardrums.


          As my pal Kat from Kat O' Nine Tales pointed out to me, she sounds like the aliens from Pitch Black. And who among us hasn't seen that movie and thought, "These screeches would sound great surrounded by shitty funk music"?


Dancing with grandpa? No, that's just the keyboardist grinding on a cracked out 12 year old.
Pictured here: scrawny bongo guy, Mr. Vogue, and... some other dude

I bet those eyebrows could saw through lumber.

Work it, gurl(s).
            After doing some research, I found that these guys are huge in the hipster world, which now makes complete sense. In fact, this comment left on that awful Youtube video sums it all up perfectly.

         
           Because who needs great songs when you can have strange music that doesn't make any sense, weird onstage antics, and pathetic sexual gimmicks to make everyone think you're 'edgy'? Also, nothing screams hipster quite like the phrase, "Oh, you think this music is bad? Well, you just don't understand it like I do."

            So what's the lesson of today's post, or even the point? Well, the next time you see a bad opening band, just remember that while they might lack a little musical talent, or stage presence, or even good material... at least you didn't have to sit through almost an hour of this bullshit.

           What's the worst opening band you've ever seen?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: City and Colour (who certainly does not suck)
Beer: Shiner Bock

57 comments:

  1. Holy crap- thanks for the warning! No band I've ever seen has come close to that hot mess.

    At first I thought you might be exaggerating their descriptions a bit to make this post even funnier, but after looking at them, you were surprisingly accurate!!

    And I love your band name "Bryan and The Dictator Tots"!!!

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  2. oohhh this is really, the song started of with a nice beat, I liked it until 1:30!

    I never had the misfortune of a bad opening band - except does school bands count? because then I had loads of emo wannabes!

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  3. It's a good thing I feel too old and can't get my hands on enough weed (I'm not in Colorado and I'm damn jealous) to endure a concert anymore. I don't know, maybe they were doing performance art? Do people still do that? Whatever the reason, the making out part is pointless (you're not challenging any sexual normatives) as is the inclusion of bongos. Anyone can play bongos. They're the kazoo of the percussion world. Unless they're the part of a giant Tommy Lee-esque drum kit.

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  4. Damn, what a fecked up bunch of umm stuff that was. Also never seen one that I can rant about like that, scary. If that is originality, I think cloning needs to be put into law haha

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  5. I can't believe how bad a band that are supporting the great Two Door Cinema club can be. Friends sound insanely weird, like the kind of thing that you'd hear in a strip club, I'm so sorry that you guys were disappointed but at least you were able to make a joke about it and hopefully you and your wife at least enjoyed TDCC, a local band from here who I really like, this is horrible, this video though, what a weird act.

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  6. That sounds absolutely horrific. Did your ears bleed? Videodrone was probably one of the crappiest I've seen. They opened for Korn and Rob Zombie back in '99 when I was obsessed with them. Dictator Tots... hysterical.

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  7. This is too funny, I love your comic strips. Never heard a bad opening act, cause I only saw a couple of great musicians, one of them being Billy Joel. Thankfully, he doesn't have shitty opening gigs, he just comes out and plays his music. Add insult to injury, $8.00 beers? I would have thrown the empty plastic glass on stage....YOu guys rock!

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  8. Well, I can't say I've ever seen a band even remotely that horrible, except for the time my friend brought me to a amateur metal "concert" in the backroom of a billiards hall.

    But I went to some college concert (My roommate set it up and begged me to go). Anyway, the line-up was a Iration (who weren't half bad), White Pandas (Two frat boy DJs... who just played music over their laptops), and then... Wale (he has that one song with Lady Gaga).

    First off, Wale took 45 minutes to get on the stage. He sent out one of his posse, Black Cobain, to fill in for him in the meantime. I had to leave the room. When he finally got on, he sang 2 songs and left halfway through the 3rd song. Found out later, one of my slutty classmates gave him a blowie in the back, which is what took him so long.

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  9. I elected to spare my eardrums. I took your word for it. With a band that looks like that there is no possible way they could produce music that doesn't suck.

    And making out on stage? WTF?

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  10. Doesn't being huge in the hipster world invalidate their cred in the hipster world? I have seen so many shows over the years that it is hard to pinpoint the worst one. OK that's not true I was too stoned/drunk for most of the opening acts. I recall hating L7 a lot when I saw them. Firehouse was also a terrible terrible trainwreck of the worst that hair bands had to offer.

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  11. Is it possible that you're getting . . . old? And just can't stand the crazy racket that kids think is music these days? Just askin'. Hee hee!

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    Replies
    1. crazy racket would be a musical step up from this! lol :)

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  12. >>...I bet those eyebrows could saw through lumber.

    Ha!-Ha! Funny stuffs, Bryan.

    Incidentally, where can I donate some money to your legal defense fund?

    I don't remember having ever heard any truly atrocious opening bands at a concert, but I have seen some pretty odd combinations that didn't make much sense. Like The Cars opening for Bob Seger. Ya know, like Techno-Synth Pop preceding some Mid-Western "Old Time a-Rock And Roll"? Who dreams up some of these double-bills?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  13. Oh, and by the way . . .

    I really like the name of your imaginary band, 'BRYAN AND THE DICTATOR TOTS'. That's great!

    My imaginary band is called 'THE NAKED EMPERORS'. That way, if our music stinks, we can excuse it with this: "Well, don't say our name didn't give you fair warning."

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  14. The worst one I ever saw was Poison opening up for Steve Vai. It was so bad I spent the set in the bathroom with my fingers stuck in my ears. It was bad, but not as bad as this.

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  15. Holy fucking hipsters, Batman, why did I click on that video?

    The worse I saw was just a couple weeks ago (with Jewels no less so she can vouch for me) and they were called The Stepchildren. All three members worse white, and there was a white sheet for a backdrop. Then a projector ran this psychodelic reel over the entire stage so that all you saw were the guys' faces amid these swirling colors. I seriously felt like I was tripping. And as you can imagine, with a visual gimmick like that, they naturally were doing it to cover that they sounded like shit.

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  16. Oh, that awful/originality comment is totally going to become my blog's tagline!

    Your thoughts about this band is exactly how I feel about Lady Gaga, well except that I dont think her music is horrible. But it really irks me when people do bizarre things with the sole purpose of being hip and different. And when people buy into it, I'm always so baffled. It all just comes off as desperate.

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  17. They sound abysmal. I skipped to the chorus on the video, and didn;t understand what was happening, so I went to make coffee instead. Whenhever I see a bad opening band I just go to the bar instead.

    Beverages > bad music.

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  18. That's why I drink before concerts... I know you said you did, but you didn't do it right. :) I go out drinking and then it's like "Oh shit, we gotta get to the concert!" and by the time I get there, opening band is done!

    On the flip side of the coin, I have probably missed a lot of great opening acts... But that's a risk I'm willing to take!

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  19. I've never been to an actual concert so thankfully I've never seen such a bad opening band. I think you need way more beers than you started with. What's worse than bands like this actually being taken seriously is when they take themselves seriously. That's when it just gets scary.

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  20. Isn't that a song by Elton John...Hold Me Closer Tranny Dancer?

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  21. Loved this! The opening band for Foster The People were dreadful. My friend and I just kept laughing and making jokes about them. I completely forget their name.

    There are so many bands out there right now that try way too hard. Obviously their fans are of a like mindset.

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  22. Hahaha wowza. I've never seen a really awful opening band. But I was into some boybands when I was a kid. So, there's that.

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  23. That was the best review of bad music I've ever heard. Listened to about ten seconds of screeching. I can't imagine that something so processed on the video could possibly work done live and f'ed up.

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  24. OK, dumb blonde here again. I just had to click on that video and even fast forwarded to the screech. YIKES1

    Those eyebrows should have said it all - RUN AWAY!

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  25. I haven't actually seen a bad opening band, but that's because I don't really go to concerts.
    And, hey, I'm a middle aged man, but, then, you sound like you're one, too. >grin<

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    1. I might as well be. I'm a middle-aged man trapped in the body of a guy who looks like he just turned 21. Explain that.

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  26. OK, dumb blonde here again. I just had to click on that video and even fast forwarded to the screech. YIKES1

    Those eyebrows should have said it all - RUN AWAY!

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  27. Sometimes opening acts are just horribly mismatched with the headliner, and that's always rough for everyone involved.

    I've seen a lot of bad opening acts. My favorite bad opening act was a band called Apollo Sunshine, which was so bad that the sound guy cut their power.

    The worst in recent years was an indie act called Xiu Xiu, who had the unfortunate gig opening for Swans back in September. I'd never disliked Xiu Xiu's music, but this performance was pure torture.

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  28. Yikes, I clicked on that video :( The beat was catchy, but the lead singer is REALLY, REALLY bad. She sounds like a cat in a blender. The video was strangely hypnotic though. A bit like a train crash.

    And making out on stage is such a pointless and cheap thing. You're not changing society's sexual norms, but just making the audience feel mildly uncomfortable.

    What's with all these hipster bands calling themselves psychedelic rock, but then they all just sound like 80s porn music?

    I honestly don't go to concerts, because I'm an 80 year old in a 21 year old's body. I can't stand the crowds and the lights make me feel like I might have an epilepsy attack any moment.

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  29. Weird seems to be the operative word here. At the risk of sounding uncool and old...I have never heard of this group. I had to google them to make sure they aren't superstars. I always worry that I might not realize I am in a coma or have developed dementia. (or both) Whew...good to know that I am still conscious (still not 100 percent as to my level of dementia). It seems, Friends have a somewhat limited fan base. After seeing a couple reviews on this freaky-deeky group...It appears that I am not ever able to hear then in person. I am allergic to alcohol and they would require me to be falling down drunk to make it through their show.

    BTW...I totally get why tranny dancer and the bongo player hit it off. They had limited choices. The one girl is just too strange and the other looks like they could get charged with messing with someone under the age of consent.

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  30. Alt. Art rock is well, a genera that defies any kind of sense. Thing is timmy, I've seen stranger pairings. I went to a Red Hot Chili Peppers and Foo Fighters co-headlined tour that had a rap group open for them. Seriously.

    At least Friends is in the same broad category of music.

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  31. I don't know what you're talking about, they're great. You just don't understand them the way I do.

    Thanks a lot. I think that "music" is going to be stuck in my head all day. Also, I found the weird grumbly talk before the screeches to be the most obnoxious part. It actually made my spine try to crawl up through my cranium.

    I've only been to one concert: Nine Inch Nails in Denver. I forget who opened for them, because I didn't give a damn, LOL.

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  32. I should check the bleeding volume before listening to something like that, bleeding hell!

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  33. Friends is HORRIBLE! So is "fun." Try to avoid them at all costs.

    The worst opener I ever saw was the Black Eagles of Death Metal open for Cake at the Fillmore in Denver...I think it was 2006? 2005? Anyway, they were terrible. Every time the lead singer shouted "I love you guys so hard right now!" I took another deep drag. I was extremely stoned that night.

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  34. Interesting. I feel like this is what would have happened if the 70's had bled into the 80's more.

    I actually don't think they're horrible. I can deal with the squeel thingy she does though. That's awful.

    Here check this out. This song will get stuck in your head, but it's actually worth it. Australia Officially Has The Most Adorably Morbid Train Safety Video Ever

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw


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  35. I don't know what a "vogue" is besides some really crappy magazine and now I think I'm glad I don't know. I'm also happy I read all the way through before watching the video. My hearing is already screwy so I don't need to add to it.

    I'm sorry you and Meli had to go through that. I'm sure that you can raise some money for therapy. Or beer. Whichever you both prefer.

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  36. The worst band I ever saw was at a free 4th of July concert in a small town in Washington. I don't remember the name of the band, and I'm very glad about that. They didn't even do horrible original music. They thought they could get away with butchering everyone else's sings. Wait! I do remember what they called themselves! The Penguins!!! They were all middle aged, but dressed like they were still in their twenties. The lead singer wore black and white patent leather loafer shoes and a bright purple zoot suit. It was so bad, we just got up and left. Uggghhh!

    This band sounds like a winner, though. They'll be getting a Grammy any day now, I'm sure. Oh wait...no they won't! I could barely stand 30 seconds of that crap, let alone 45 freaking minutes! You poor unfortunate souls!

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  37. I hope the intense pain of sitting through that can be alleviated by this sharing process. Now I know what to watch for.

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  38. That is beyond terrible! Hope the main event was better!

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  39. So what you are really saying is I do have a chance?
    My band would be called "The Bushmen" and we would totally suck.

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  40. SO I gave them a listen, and I feel kinda hipstery when I say they're not -that- bad. I mean, they do suck, it's just meh. I can imagine them live being a little more.. out there though. I witnessed (but did not sit through) worse. A local band called A.C.M.E where the percussion was pop, the strings were of low quality, and the singer actually tried to sing.. but I think she was tone deaf.

    Good times.

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  41. A leather jacket and panties COULD be a good look - probably not a 12 year old crack addict though.

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  42. Wow. That sounds so fucked up it couldn't possibly be made up!

    Some idiot who opened for NIN four years ago. She was terrible. The act was called "The Bug" and it sure as fuck bugged me.

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  43. Oh give them a break, it's hard to make it in the music business when you have no musical talent. Or looks. Or style. Or charisma.

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  44. Being a music connoisseur (from classical to ambient, rock, metal, pop... I kinda had to do this for school), I laugh at people who use the "You don't understand it like I do" excuse to justify their taste in music. The shitpile I just listened to is a disgrace to the word "originality." I actually stopped the video as soon as I heard that squeaking/screeching on 1:30. Like seriously?

    I'm sorry you and your wife suffered through that :(

    Lia
    www.yourpredefinedtaste.blogspot.com

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  45. I was thinking that the beginning of the song wasn't that bad until the chorus hit and I stabbed myself in the ears with a nail file. The bleeding hasn't stopped yet.

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  46. I feel the same way about some modern art. We're told if we don't understand it, then we're not enlightened or intelligent. Maybe, just maybe, like this music, we don't like it because it's crap.

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  47. Reading this instantly reminded me of a really bad opening act at a rehab show we went to this past summer. They were bad, but not this bad.

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  48. "Oh God, you're going to blog about this, aren't you?" That's the very question that lets me know when the blog post is not going to suck...unlike that band, ugh. All the group needs to do is to become popular in the mainstream so all the hipsters stop harping about how awesome caterwauling cat set to a slam poetry session is.

    -Barb

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  49. I havn't seen a band since January, and even then it was a festival

    But I saw an opening standup act this week where the dude was so bad, even his friends stopped giving pitty laughs. It was so painful to watch. And the dude thought he was awesome.

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  50. You think friends were bad?! You should've seen who opened for them; Really, Really, Weird Al.

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  51. You got me to watch part of the video based on your description. I do not believe I will be repeating that experience.

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  52. I wasn't brave enough to watch the video, your description was more than enough.
    You now owe your lovely wife another night out I think :)

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  53. Hipster buffoonery gone terribly, horribly wrong. Sorry you had to be in the middle of it.. at least you got an awesome blog post as a result

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  54. Sorry you can't get those 45 minutes of your life back! I am old; I would have demanded a refund. "GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY"

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  55. This comment has been removed by the author.

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