If you're like me, ever since you first saw the epic film classic, Debbie Does Dallas, you've always dreamed of becoming a master of boudoir calisthenics. A sex god. A knockout champion of the bedroom, the veritable Mike Tyson of sexual encounters. Minus the rape and subsequent incarceration. Well, you're in luck. Because today, gentlemen, I present to you the four biggest secrets of becoming a copulatory king.
1) Be Open to Her Fantasies
That's right. Nothing will make your lady happier than your finally agreeing to don that ridiculous giant bunny suit she bought you last Christmas and seducing her. You know, the one with the poop flap and the detachable "carrot" that's been gathering mothballs in the corner of your closet. I promise you, once she sees that you're open to her kinky side, your lady will haul you down the rabbit hole faster than a consensually-aged Alice on a triple dose of Spanish Fly.
2) Your Strengths are Your Biggest Strengths
And hopefully, that means you're hung like a donkey. But you're probably not. Don't fret, though. Because, with a little creativity, almost any skill you have can become your greatest asset in the mattress dance. For example, your often under-appreciated knitting prowess. Not only do you have the capability to knit yourself a classy, Continental stitch banana hammock, but you can also make a matching set of lingerie for her too. Nothing will turn her on like a personalized set of itchy tit mittens.
Or, if you're a little bit manlier of a man, you can always put those screwdriver and wrench-cranking skills to good use and give her what she really needs in the bedroom: another closet for all those goddamn shoes.
3) A Weakness is Really a Strength in Drag
Let's face it, things can get pretty physical in the land of love, and not all of us are equipped to do the deed bouncing off the walls like spider-monkeys. So, you don't have biceps to hold your partner over your head in what the Kama-Sutra calls "The Throbbing Superman." Or the stamina of a bull ox. Or dextrous fingers. Or hell, maybe no fingers at all? Sure, that may not win you any lingerie knitting competitions, but that doesn't mean you can't still rock her socks off. Get creative with what you've got. Even if what you've got is a micro-penis.
4) A Woman is Like a Fine Piece of Gouda
I'm sorry. I can't explain this one to you. It's against the law set forth by the Hindu love god Kamadeva, who devised this all-knowing, all-encompassing bit of wisdom. You have to figure it out for yourself (including the fact of how the hell an Indian god knew about Dutch cheese). But, once you do, let me tell you, you will have reached the summit of Mt. Sexytime.
There you have it, men. If all of the above measures don't have your bedroom companion building you a shrine by morning (or at least a decent sandwich), then you might want to just go with the "get rich and powerful" option. Because if you're going to terminally suck at fornication, at least you'll know ahead of time your lady doesn't give a damn.
Beer: Snow Day (New Belgium)
PS. If you get a chance, stop by the Indie Chicks and check out the quick article we wrote about the health hazards of dating. Hint: it doesn't involve herpes!
The Health Hazards of Dating