Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Idiot's Guide to Sexual Godliness

If you're like me, ever since you first saw the epic film classic, Debbie Does Dallas, you've always dreamed of becoming a master of boudoir calisthenics. A sex god. A knockout champion of the bedroom, the veritable Mike Tyson of sexual encounters. Minus the rape and subsequent incarceration. Well, you're in luck. Because today, gentlemen, I present to you the four biggest secrets of becoming a copulatory king.

1) Be Open to Her Fantasies
That's right. Nothing will make your lady happier than your finally agreeing to don that ridiculous giant bunny suit she bought you last Christmas and seducing her. You know, the one with the poop flap and the detachable "carrot" that's been gathering mothballs in the corner of your closet. I promise you, once she sees that you're open to her kinky side, your lady will haul you down the rabbit hole faster than a consensually-aged Alice on a triple dose of Spanish Fly. 



2) Your Strengths are Your Biggest Strengths
And hopefully, that means you're hung like a donkey. But you're probably not. Don't fret, though. Because, with a little creativity, almost any skill you have can become your greatest asset in the mattress dance. For example, your often under-appreciated knitting prowess. Not only do you have the capability to knit yourself a classy, Continental stitch banana hammock, but you can also make a matching set of lingerie for her too. Nothing will turn her on like a personalized set of itchy tit mittens.


Or, if you're a little bit manlier of a man, you can always put those screwdriver and wrench-cranking skills to good use and give her what she really needs in the bedroom: another closet for all those goddamn shoes.

3) A Weakness is Really a Strength in Drag

Let's face it, things can get pretty physical in the land of love, and not all of us are equipped to do the deed bouncing off the walls like spider-monkeys. So, you don't have biceps to hold your partner over your head in what the Kama-Sutra calls "The Throbbing Superman." Or the stamina of a bull ox. Or dextrous fingers. Or hell, maybe no fingers at all? Sure, that may not win you any lingerie knitting competitions, but that doesn't mean you can't still rock her socks off. Get creative with what you've got. Even if what you've got is a micro-penis.


4) A Woman is Like a Fine Piece of Gouda
I'm sorry. I can't explain this one to you. It's against the law set forth by the Hindu love god Kamadeva, who devised this all-knowing, all-encompassing bit of wisdom. You have to figure it out for yourself (including the fact of how the hell an Indian god knew about Dutch cheese). But, once you do, let me tell you, you will have reached the summit of Mt. Sexytime.

There you have it, men. If all of the above measures don't have your bedroom companion building you a shrine by morning (or at least a decent sandwich), then you might want to just go with the "get rich and powerful" option. Because if you're going to terminally suck at fornication, at least you'll know ahead of time your lady doesn't give a damn.

Cheers!

-B&B

Beer: Snow Day (New Belgium)
Music: Babyshambles

PS. If you get a chance, stop by the Indie Chicks and check out the quick article we wrote about the health hazards of dating. Hint: it doesn't involve herpes!

The Health Hazards of Dating

53 comments:

  1. "Itchy tit mittiens." That's a great name for either a girl rock band or a cat.

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  2. Getting along with her mother goes a long way as well.

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  3. hahaha well if I can't reach the summit, I guess I'll go with the rich and powerful option, hell I'll just take the rich option and go watch Debbie Does Dallas for my jollies.

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  4. "Your Strengths are Your Biggest Strengths"

    That's...ummm...so true.

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    1. That's also the title of our new self help book, $29.99 at Barnes and Noble, hardback only. Buy 10 copies now.

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  5. I don't think that I'll ever be one to purchase a dick suit and I'll maybe give the bunny suit a miss too now I think about it haha. This is such a hilarious guide guys, love it and that's from a guy who hasn't even seen Debbie Does Dallas yet!

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  6. Mt. Sexytime is the one mountain I want to climb, and think I have any chance of doing. I don't think I want to wear a penis suit though.

    Yet I would wear a bunny suit.

    Odd.

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  7. What if her fantasy is to actually murder you, do you have to indulge that fantasy? As a certified sex god (got that certification the same place I got my minister certification) I'd like to add one more suggestion: If you amputate your hand, you are now equipped with an excellent dildo, your stubby forearm.

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  8. I vote for the rich and powerful option or are we no longer voting over here at ABFTS. I am really secure in the belief that stacks of money would compensate for a micro-penis.

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  9. "I don't think a dicksuit should smell like mothballs"- LOL You guys are too freaking much!

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  10. I might need a sherpa to help me climb Mt. Sexytime.

    That's an analogy for a threesome in case you were wondering.

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  11. I already have a dick suit...I wear it 24/7 365 days a year! AND it doesn't smell like mothballs. Nope. It smells like beer and weed!

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  12. My girlfriend barley has fantasies sadly

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  13. I have no problem scaling Mt. Sexytime. Though, my girlfriend is a completely different story. I'll be reaching the summit while she's already on her way to the road kill diner at the base of the mountain.

    In guess I'll just have to settle with building my own shrine made out of beer cans and condom wrappers.

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  14. Tit mittens, eh? Hmm, we could really use those up here in the Great White North.

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  15. Out there, some guy is looking for a bunny outfit or knitting a vest. :)

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  16. Was this post approved by the goat?

    I'm going to be even more delayed on my e-book reading... my computer died.

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  17. I honestly don't even know what to say. I'm still trying to get passed the whole bunny costume thing. I have to wonder what President Peggy Sue thinks of this though.

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  18. Where can my honey get a rabbit suit? You had me at detachable carrot!

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  19. Ha ha, awesome! I'll be sure to point any potential new suitors to this post. Oh, to finally be able to see that bunny suit in action!

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  20. Your one label for this post is tit mittens. Not "sex advice", not "how to knit creepy things for your lover" or "kinky furry suits"...just tit mittens

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  21. Detachable carrot...luckily I'm really, really lucky and have a girl!

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  22. I like the sound of those "itchy tit mittens"...

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  23. "I don't think a dick suit should smell like moth balls."

    .... brought to you by: Grandpa Co.

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  24. Last one was a TOTAL cop-out! And rest of BftS readers, itchy tit mittens go a long way :) Trust me...

    By the way, Thank you for responding to my request :) It means a lot to me that you guys will do it! I don't care when so don't even worry haha. Good luck with your Slim Dyson release and I hope you guys have wonderful holidays!

    www.yourpredefinedtaste.blogspot.com

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  25. Itchy tit mittens....... hahaha. You guys are the first ones to make me laugh today.

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  26. Too many thing are wrong here, bunny suit, tit mittens, 3rd pinky. Head, ow. I'm going to go lay down now.

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  27. The sad thing is, there probably *is* someone out there who will totally get off on itchy mittens. But thanks for the tips ;)

    Now, can you please write a column on how to respond to the married men who are my dad's age who seem to be the group that tends to be the most inappropriate?

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  28. >>...Or hell, maybe no fingers at all? Sure, that may not win you any lingerie knitting competitions

    Well, it's no longer about winners and losers.
    But how's your SELF-ESTEEM?
    Do you FEEL good about your digit-less stumps?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  29. oh dick suits and gouda...what every woman wants! SOOOOOO FUNNY! Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while but you guys are just as funny as the first time I saw your site.

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  30. Oh yeah, I'd defo be turned on if my man wore a bunny-suit in the bedroom... its like, all of your horror-nightmares finally coming true!

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  31. I was seriously laughing out loud reading this! Pretty sure the people around me figured I had finally lost it. Now the bunny suit had detachable section for easy access...does the dick suit have a detachable part as well? Just curious hahaha.

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  32. Woot thanks for the tips! My gf thanks you also, but I think she's being sarcastic... she said something about comics can't teach bedroom skills... I stopped listening when the game started

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  33. I will keep this for potential bfs...i definitely need more closet space

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  34. I don't know about a bunny suit, but a rabbit... now that's a plus!

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  35. This post remind me of High Fidelity! :)

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  36. It's about damn time someone realized us ladies are like a fine piece of gouda. I'm tired of being treated like goat cheese.

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  37. I'm going to print this and turn it into pamphlets for all my potential future boyfriends.

    Except #4, because I never want anyone thinking of me as the most disgusting food ever.

    ;)

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  38. But my only real skill is my ability to pack a lot of meat into sausage casings but I don't see how I can use that to my advant... wait a minute.

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  39. When you starting talking about a bunny suit, all I could think of was A Christmas Story, a big pink bunny suit!

    I'm with everyone else, you had me at "itchy tit mittens"

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  40. But what if your ladyfriend doesn't have any fantasies? :(

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  41. My ex-girlfriend (now my 24/7 wife)is Indian AND 11 years my junior so you fellas know I can't walk, sleep or read your blog 7 days a week. And I'm sorry to disappoint you when I say I'm still not exactly the, I quote, 'copulatory king' that your post inspired me to be... in spite of the double-knit wool sex-machine vest I ordered at bunnybegood.com. I was so hopeful. Maybe I'm doing something wrong.

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  42. Glad to see you boys are open to the idea of considering her needs ... as kinky as they may be.

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  43. I am sitting in a Starbucks typing this response and their Christmas theme is affecting my thoughts. At the moment, all I can think to say in response to this post is that you are going to be on Santa's naughty list.

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  44. It's funny because initially these are all true. Especially the Gouda part, because I've never had it so I don't understand it.

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  45. What happens if you already have three pinkies?

    Loved your article over at Indie Chicks as well!

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  46. Sometimes fantasies are better if they stay that way.ha

    his opinion is the result of my husband's repeated attempts to talk dirty in a Scottish accent. He's going for Gerard Butler but gets stuck somewhere between Bob Marley and the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

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  47. I never knew knitting skillz could be so... sensual. I'm going to look for a dude that lives with his grandmother.

    What's wrong with me? No wonder I'm single.

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