1. Don't fake sick to get out of having sex with your wife.
If you keep turning your wife down because your "tummy is hurting" (you gigantic vagina) she's going to eventually catch on that you're cheating. If you need to be sick, then you need to be legitimately sick. Inject yourself with a West African disease twice a week and she'll be none the wiser.
5 minutes later...
2. Don't use your own cell phone
Using your own cellphone is so amateur and a surefire way to get caught. Instead, use a throwaway cellphone you bought at a gas station. Leave it completely turned off 23.9 hours of the day and only use it to make outgoing calls. Store it inside your wall, locked in a safe, protected by irradiated mutant rats.
Afterwards, all you have to do is lock the phone away again, stuff the safe back inside the wall, re-frame the hole, put three coats of plaster on, sand it back to smooth, and repaint the entire thing twice. Sure, the whole process will take you four hours to complete from start to finish, but that's a small price to pay for a guaranteed private, thirty second conversation with your illicit honey, right?
3. Don't post your picture on the Internet
This seems like a given, but don't post your picture on Craiglist's "looking to bang anyone that's not my wife" section and definitely don't fill out an online profile, such as Ashley Madison, because uploading your name, your picture, and your location, along with a written confession of how you're looking to cheat on your wife is probably the dumbest thing you could ever do.*
Congratulations, dipshit, you just posted a public confession along with your picture and personal information. Why not just tape a banner outside your house that says "LOOKING TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE, BUT DON'T TELL HER, OKAY?"
*(We actually made a bogus Ashley Madison page doing research for a post last year and, sadly, yes, the morons that use the site actually do all of this.)
Instead, play it safe. Don't post any pictures of yourself. Give a fake address, name, age, and wear a fake mustache every time you meet your new mistress. That way when she inevitably bumps into you at the mall while you're walking around with your wife, she'll look absolutely insane as she confronts you and says, "No, of course I know you! This is my boyfriend, David! He's 27, he's from Michigan, and he usually has a mustache! You must have shaved it off!"
"Uh, no," you say smoothly, in your normal voice, "I'm Bryan, I'm 29, I've lived in this city all my life, and I've never had a mustache. You must be mistaken."
Girl looks insta-crazy and all credibility is thrown out the door. Your wife is none the wiser. Smooth as freaking silk, you are.
4. Don't use your work e-mail
This also seems like a given, but you DO know that they keep all of your e-mails stored in a server for years, right? That they can access these at any time? As a cheater you don't want that information to be readily available to your higher ups. Also, let's face it, the "Forward" button is a lot closer to the "Reply" button than you might think.
2 minutes later...
Now not only are you cheating on your wife, but you're doing unspeakable things with your boss just to keep him quiet.
Don't do that. Create a fake e-mail account and only access it by cellphone. Preferably the one you have buried in your wall, guarded by mutant rats.
5. Don't stay out late every night
Sure, it’s a convenient excuse to say you’re going out for late night drinks with the boys. But your wife might become suspicious if it happens seven nights a week (unless she’s secretly spending her evenings playing ‘Hide the Salami’ with her office partner Jimmy and hoping that your sudden alcoholism kills you). So, here’s what you’ve got to do to avoid raising suspicion. Never meet your mistress at night. Instead, go to a hotel during work hours only, on your lunch break. That’s right, no more lunch for you, you randy fox.
Find a hotel that accepts cash and has multiple exits. Don’t look the desk clerk in the eye and never point your face toward security cameras. Be sure to check all crevices and crannies for wiretaps or hidden cameras, and don’t worry about leaving any fingerprints because you’ll be wearing the rubber gloves that will stay on during the entire meeting. In fact, you’ll be wearing a hairnet, surgical facemask, and full-body condom too. It may be awkward at first, but your partner in sexual crime will understand, and probably find your preparedness sexy. And don’t worry, the chafing from those rubber pants will eventually go away. Only once you’re sure the perimeter is clear of electronic spyware, you may call the desk clerk and have him direct your sexytime companion up. Never, ever, tell her your real name. And never use the same hotel twice.
There you have it, guys. If you follow those 5 easy steps, you're on your way to guilt/worry free sex on the side (minus the guilt and worry), you sly devil you. And let's face it, isn't this all so much easier than talking things out, going to counseling, or getting a divorce?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
p.s. For those of you who didn't understand the sarcastic nature of this post, we are definitely NOT telling you to actually cheat on your spouse.
Music: First Aid Kit
Beer: Red Banshee