Monday, November 19, 2012

How to Cheat on Your Wife

         If the news has taught us anything lately, it's that you can be a four-star general and the director of the CIA and still suck at cheating on your wife. Truly, it's an art, and it's not nearly as simple as TV and movies would have us believe. So here at A Beer for the Shower we're going to help you cheat successfully. Just follow these simple, easy steps, and you can avoid the huge hassle of telling your spouse you want a divorce, which is so complicated and extremely unnecessary.

1. Don't fake sick to get out of having sex with your wife.

If you keep turning your wife down because your "tummy is hurting" (you gigantic vagina) she's going to eventually catch on that you're cheating. If you need to be sick, then you need to be legitimately sick. Inject yourself with a West African disease twice a week and she'll be none the wiser.



5 minutes later...




2. Don't use your own cell phone

Using your own cellphone is so amateur and a surefire way to get caught. Instead, use a throwaway cellphone you bought at a gas station. Leave it completely turned off 23.9 hours of the day and only use it to make outgoing calls. Store it inside your wall, locked in a safe, protected by irradiated mutant rats.


Once a day, when you absolutely have to talk to your mistress, you can sledgehammer out the wall hole, don your radiation-and-bite-proof lead suit, and open the vault to send those vital, tender, romantic text messages you've been thoughtfully composing in your head all day...


Afterwards, all you have to do is lock the phone away again, stuff the safe back inside the wall, re-frame the hole, put three coats of plaster on, sand it back to smooth, and repaint the entire thing twice. Sure, the whole process will take you four hours to complete from start to finish, but that's a small price to pay for a guaranteed private, thirty second conversation with your illicit honey, right?

3. Don't post your picture on the Internet

This seems like a given, but don't post your picture on Craiglist's "looking to bang anyone that's not my wife" section and definitely don't fill out an online profile, such as Ashley Madison, because uploading your name, your picture, and your location, along with a written confession of how you're looking to cheat on your wife is probably the dumbest thing you could ever do.


Congratulations, dipshit, you just posted a public confession along with your picture and personal information. Why not just tape a banner outside your house that says "LOOKING TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE, BUT DON'T TELL HER, OKAY?"

Instead, play it safe. Don't post any pictures of yourself. Give a fake address, name, age, and wear a fake mustache every time you meet your new mistress. That way when she inevitably bumps into you at the mall while you're walking around with your wife, she'll look absolutely insane as she confronts you and says, "No, of course I know you! This is my boyfriend, David! He's 27, he's from Michigan, and he usually has a mustache! You must have shaved it off!"

"Uh, no," you say smoothly, in your normal voice, "I'm Bryan, I'm 29, I've lived in this city all my life, and I've never had a mustache. You must be mistaken."

Girl looks insta-crazy and all credibility is thrown out the door. Your wife is none the wiser. Smooth as freaking silk, you are.

4. Don't use your work e-mail


This also seems like a given, but you DO know that they keep all of your e-mails stored in a server for years, right? That they can access these at any time? As a cheater you don't want that information to be readily available to your higher ups. Also, let's face it, the "Forward" button is a lot closer to the "Reply" button than you might think.



2 minutes later...





Now not only are you cheating on your wife, but you're doing unspeakable things with your boss just to keep him quiet.

Don't do that. Create a fake e-mail account and only access it by cellphone. Preferably the one you have buried in your wall, guarded by mutant rats.

5. Don't stay out late every night


Sure, it’s a convenient excuse to say you’re going out for late night drinks with the boys. But your wife might become suspicious if it happens seven nights a week (unless she’s secretly spending her evenings playing ‘Hide the Salami’ with her office partner Jimmy and hoping that your sudden alcoholism kills you). So, here’s what you’ve got to do to avoid raising suspicion. Never meet your mistress at night. Instead, go to a hotel during work hours only, on your lunch break. That’s right, no more lunch for you, you randy fox.

Find a hotel that accepts cash and has multiple exits. Don’t look the desk clerk in the eye and never point your face toward security cameras. Be sure to check all crevices and crannies for wiretaps or hidden cameras, and don’t worry about leaving any fingerprints because you’ll be wearing the rubber gloves that will stay on during the entire meeting. In fact, you’ll be wearing a hairnet, surgical facemask, and full-body condom too. It may be awkward at first, but your partner in sexual crime will understand, and probably find your preparedness sexy. And don’t worry, the chafing from those rubber pants will eventually go away. Only once you’re sure the perimeter is clear of electronic spyware, you may call the desk clerk and have him direct your sexytime companion up. Never, ever, tell her your real name. And never use the same hotel twice.


There you have it, guys. If you follow those 5 easy steps, you're on your way to guilt/worry free sex on the side (minus the guilt and worry), you sly devil you. And let's face it, isn't this all so much easier than talking things out, going to counseling, or getting a divorce?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

p.s. For those of you who didn't understand the sarcastic nature of this post, we are definitely NOT telling you to actually cheat on your spouse.

Music: First Aid Kit
Beer: Red Banshee

52 comments:

  1. Don't cheat on your wife! She'll shank you with the sharpened end of a toothbrush!

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  2. There's no way to successfully cheat nowadays...unless you're both swingers in which case it's not really cheating. If the head of the CIA, a guy who has thousands of trained killers and control of drones and can basically turn off the internet with a snap of his fingers can't get away with cheating, no one can.

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  3. haha that seems like way too much to go through to cheat, prob be cheaper to just get a divorce.

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  4. I'm a bit worried about how good you guys are at this stuff. Then again, I'm not married to you. Or likely to make such an amateur mistake like using a work email or my regular phone. It's silly how many people make those mistakes.

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  5. I absolutely cracked up at "Whew, I almost had to pleasure my beautiful wife". I have nothing witty enough to add. This was too good.

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  6. All I can say is Johnson is in deep.

    You know, I *almost* wish I had a creepy boss. It would at least make my job more interesting.

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  7. Thanks for the tips mate, I'm emailing them to the other half now......wait a minute that's not right!

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  8. Also, make sure you wash your D after intimate encounter of the third kind. If it smells suspiciously of sea bass, thn you might be in trouble. Sorry, that was horrifically inappropriate.

    Anyway, the safest way to not gt caught is to not cheat in the first place... or find a genie that can alter your appearance at any given moment.

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  9. Holy crap I think this is my new favorite post. "Seeking dirty hoors within five miles of Broomfizzle, Colorizzle!@" -Brilliant as always B&B

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  10. Of course, it goes without saying that you have to get mutant rats that aren't going to talk and blab about your secret affair in every cheese hole in town. I think we've ALL learned that lesson the hard way.

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  11. You mean people actually cheat? The nerve of those people! Don't they know they always get caught. Maybe not today...or tomorrow...or this month even, but they will get caught eventually. That is unless they follow these simple steps that you shared with us here.

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  12. Ok, better than going through all that trouble of hotels, just shag in a dirty alleyway, behind the bins! No one will suspect anything. You're also likely to end up pricking your "D" with a cocaine and AIDS infected needle, so you can then use this to avoid having sex with your wife.

    I'm a pro!

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  13. This was a hell of a read boys, really loved the first one about making yourself ill to avoid sex with your hot wife but they're all pretty damn hilarious and made me laugh, if I ever get into a committed relationship AND THEN decide I want to cheat as well I'll follow these handy tips for sure.

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  14. Love that you used the Seinfeld picture!

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  15. sex guide and a guide on how to cheat, what's going on with you guys? Highly suspicious!!!

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  16. Can't comment now, too busy hammering a hole in my wall to see where the buzzing is coming from.....tee hee!

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  17. The gloves and full-body condom are probably a good idea.

    I know I went that route when I was doing your wife!

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  18. In the good old days the world understood that a man would cheat and they kept quiet about it. Can you imagine the trouble JFK would have today getting it off in the White House. Hell even Clinton had to fess up.

    Thankfully my Hubby is a cripple and can't cheat on me so I'm a pretty lucky woman!!

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  19. Thanks Beers, being the considerate wife that I am, I'll forward this to my loving husband right away.

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  20. Geez! It's all so SIMPLE!!! You should totally publish a book about this. "Infidelity Made Easy, the Do's and Don'ts." You'd make a killing, you geniuses you! :)

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  21. What happens if you run out of hotels?
    >runs out to get paper for banner<

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  22. Still not reading the stories, eh? This is fucking hilarious, mainly because people probably need it ;) Then again, these are probably the same people for which velcro was invented.

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  23. I like to thank general Petraeus and his penis antics for inspiring this comic.. brilliant

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  24. It seems like there has been a lot more sex themed material ever since Peggy Sue was nominated blog president. It's nice to see she's already making a difference.

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  25. Thanks for the tips, fellas... but I'm afraid my wife's too smart to cheat on. She's also a double-fox haha.

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  26. Also, make sure your mistress has no babymaker, can't have little "yous" running around...it looks suspicious.

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  27. You will also have to hide all the wall-fixing-supplies to avoid suspicion. Best to keep them in the wall with the cell phone... wait... how would that work??

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  28. A-mazing.

    Seriously, if the head of the CIA can't even keep his own secrets, secret... he really should be fired from that job anyways.

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  29. I'm so glad I don't have anything to worry about. My husband is way too lazy to cheat. Plus I never give him any money so he couldn't afford it even if he wanted to.

    I love that man.

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  30. So about these mutant rats... where might one find them? Not that I'm looking to cheat, but I am interested in super-heroic animals ala TMNT.

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  31. Ooor, and this is a big one stick to the online porn.

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  32. I guess I'm never gonna cheat on anyone. That's a good thing, right?

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  33. Methinks you guys have thought a little tooooo much about this. What would Peggy Sue say?

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  34. Am I mistaken or have you given this cheating thing WWAAYYY too much thought? I think some of your pointers are way to much effort. Tell your wife you are battling mental issues (pretty sure she won't argue the point) and need to seek a psychiatrist. Then find a real slutty one. Even if your wife thinks you may be sleeping with the therapist, she will be conflicted. Who knows? Maybe doctor/mistress will fix you or maybe she will waive the bill. Either way...win, win.

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  35. I've got to wonder what your wife thinks about this post. I also have to wonder why you put so much thought into this. Did Peggy Sue make the suggestion, to make any possible cheater-readers happy? By the way, I think you could get mutant rats by infecting the wrong disease into yourself, but then you would be the mutant rat.

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  36. Petreaus is wishing he'd read this first.

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  37. Also never use your official twitter account if you're a U.S. congressman or your real name on CL.

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  38. No when I do sexual favors for my boss it will be for a reason. Thanks.

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  39. Oh, I hope that someday Bryan's wife will do a guest post. She could do a follow-up on what to do to your husband once you catch him cheating...

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  40. Thanks for the solid advice. Now I just need to get a girlfriend so that I can cheat on her.

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  41. I can't believe I've never heard the terms dong-a-do and bajingo used for male genitalia before. Thank you for adding to my vocabulary!

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  42. My second wife was a cheater and always got caught. Email is always a dead giveaway.

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  43. Delightfully wicked. This is certainly a chapter in some sort of twisted self help book that you will have to write.

    WG

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  44. OH
    MY
    GOD!
    When I read "bonr" I fell out of my chair, I'm not joking, literally banged my head on the floor! xD
    Priceless...

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  45. HA ha ha ha ha. This is awesome. Best use of sarcasm and common sense ever. Love you guys.

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  46. What a great, hilarious way of saying, "Guys, don't cheat on your wife. It's not worth it." Love you both for it! haha!

    I choked on a banana (of all things) when I saw that cartoon of the boss saying, "I do want the D." C'mon guys, you're killing me! Literally!

    www.yourpredefinedtaste.blogspot.com

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  47. >> . . . Why not just tape a banner outside your house that says "LOOKING TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE, BUT DON'T TELL HER, OKAY?"

    Ya know, for a couple of smart dudes, that was a REALLY DUMB suggestion! I did that once, and my wife caught on to it in less than a month!

    (No, I jest. It worked for nearly 6 months.)

    I'm thinking of posting a 'Lookin' For An Adulteress' profile on Craiglist. But I'm going to advertise myself as being in possession of one of the few remaining TWINKIES anywhere in the world. That should garner me some responses, eh, BEER BOYS?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  48. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAA this is great! Don't cheat on your wives guys! Especially if she's foxy!

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  49. Sigh, why would I want to pretend to be interested in more than one women?

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  50. Bad manners to cheat on your wife, especially if you're stoopid. Is this the influence of 'that goat'.

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  51. Thank goodness for that disclaimer! *whew*!

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