First up is...
FarmersOnly(dot)com
Farmers Only isn't all uptight like those other dating sites, and believes that matchmaking questionnaires rooted in the fundamentals of relationship psychology are a bunch of Evolutionist hooey. No, what this site prides itself on is the important questions, the ones that really determine compatibility and will ensure long-lasting happiness. "Instead of asking what your astrological sign is, at FarmersOnly.com we ask if you raise or breed alpacas, horses, cattle, chickens, dogs, goats, rabbits, sheep, grow crops, or if you're an organic farmer, student farmer, cowboy, cowgirl, or just a farmer wanna be!"
Their motto is "City Folks Just Don't Get It," which I'd have to disagree with. I think after watching this commercial - http://youtu.be/6RvyFFjP7RE - I can safely say that I do "get it," and that's why I'm going to stay as far away from "it" as possible. But, how about you? Could wild, wild horses drag you away from this batch of down-home stud muffins?
Next up is...
PrisonInmates.com
This may just be my favorite website in the history of the Internet. It's full of not just prisoners, but even death row inmates who are looking for love during the 1 hour of the day they aren't getting shanked/raped/both, library Internet time. Let's meet a man I'll call Jamarcus (and yes, this is 100% a real profile).
I just love that Jamarcus included one of his poems! Could you imagine what a barrel of smiles it would be to hang out with him? An incredible opportunity, indeed!
Or how about our new friend Julio? After seeing his profile, we just had to contact him and bring him on as our newest staff writer. Look for a lot more 'fuck da POH-leece' jokes in our near future!
What I love about Julio is that he has an entire album of pictures, and yet that's the picture he wanted to upload as his profile avatar, of him looking like Hannibal Lector in a car accident. Who wouldn't want to reach out to this gentle soul?
And last but not least...
GunLoversPassions.com
Because sometimes it's the little things that unite us in love, like the constitutional right to blow each other away. Age? Religion? A stable job? No, I don't care about any of that. I just want to make sure she's armed to the fucking teeth.
This is probably the one website on earth where you look like a douchebag for not posting a picture holding your favorite handgun.
So there you have it. If you can't find love at any of these top-notch sites, then we don't know what to tell you. Except maybe lower your expectations a little bit. We hear that InvalidsInHeat.com is really starting to take off...
Did we miss any?
Cheers and happy hunting (literally)!
-B&B
Beer: Bass
Music: Sticky Little Fingers
I can't believe those are real. Although, I did feel my heart swell when I read "wrongfully convicted person." Oh you flirt. What do prisoners need a dating site for anyway, isn't that what "Scared Straight" is for, finding love? I may have missed the point of that show.
ReplyDeleteI once spent longer than I should looking for really specific dating sites. I'm a bit amazed by how many there were but I never saw anything like these. I suppose if you are dating a death row inmate then you don't have to worry about breaking it off. At least, until they're found innocent three days before their execution.
ReplyDeleteAstounding! I can't believe they passed up the opportunity for a website named "Date-An-Inmate.com".
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted to set up my own dating site for people with OCD. "Must enjoy changing the sheets directly after sex, excessive wire wool scrubbing, and NOT PUTTING THE FUCKING BUTTER KNIFE IN WITH THE SPOONS!"
Haha I find it amazing that there's a website for this, like I never thought people would be into the whole dating thing enough to have such niche ideas but I guess it makes sense to me, I'm now tempted to Google around and have a look haha, great post as always guys
ReplyDeleteDumb blonde that I am, I just had to click on those sites to check 'em out. Now, I can't wait to see what Google will start sending me.
ReplyDeleteI think I saw a commercial for one called Incestry(dot)com... or maybe it was Ancestry.com. Either way, it sounds a little too funky for my taste.
ReplyDeleteIs there a chance I might be able to get a copy of Jamarcus's poem? His profile description already pulled on my heart strings.
Nice to see dating websites for the not-so-normal folks.
ReplyDeleteGreat, now the theme song from "Farmers Only" is stuck in head. It's just so catchy! I wonder if those two hooked up? Maybe that chick and Julio can get together? The possibilities are endless!
ReplyDeleteThe farmer site is hilarious. And I know someone who "dated" an inmate at Rikers. Actually now I think of it, I know a few people who had prisoner penpals....
ReplyDeleteA girl I went to college with was from India, and her family were very strict with their traditions so even though the daughter had moved over here, they still planned on arranging her marriage to a nice Indian boy of their choosing.
There is apparently a website for that.
The daughter was totally cool with it, and still likes to joke that she had an arranged marriage via the internet.
Jeez, those sites make the Christian ones seem logical and reasonable.
ReplyDeleteWas the commercial that set this post in motion the Jewish dating site commercial?
ReplyDeleteAnd here I've been avoiding D.I.V.O.R.C.E. because I was worried I'd never find love again!
ReplyDeleteCall my lawyer because a relationship with someone on Death Row is my kind of commitment.
Wow. First I thought you were making the sites up, but then I realized they were real...wow.
ReplyDeleteNo words.
I can't help but wonder...how exactly would it work dating a death row inmate? Do you just put your ass up to the chow slot on the cell door and let them go to work? Do you hold their hand while they are being executed? Valid questions for one who is dying to date an inmate!
ReplyDeleteOh My Gawd-I think Jamarcas might be my soul-mate...
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, this shiz is just twisted. Can't believe it's for real!
"wrongly" but the mask is a fashion statement.
ReplyDeleteLMAO well you better be careful looking at the farmer one as they may stock you out and find Peggy Sue a delight to behold haha
ReplyDeleteIt scares me to think about the type of weirdos I'd be matched up with if I went onto a prison inmate dating site. *shudders*
ReplyDeleteI am going to wait for the dating site for A Beer for the Shower fans.
ReplyDeleteWhy should I take a chance on one of those other sites and end up connecting with someone who would not vote for a goat for blog president?
Niche dating sites crack me up. Everyone always wants equality but then they go on dating sites that are so specific.
ReplyDeleteWow, indeed. Always makes you wonder about the "norms" that join to date inmates.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot cougarlife dot com. A site for older women looking for younger men.
ReplyDeleteBecause being called a cougar is a COMPLIMENT these days, guys. It is NOT just the sad old lady at the end of the bar who tries to cop a feel if you stand too close.
I wonder what kind of poetry "(1)" Jamarcus has got there? I'm imagining something along the lines on:
ReplyDeleteKill
Kill
Kill
Kill my landlord.
Kill
Kill
Kill
Kill my landlord.
K-I-L
My landlord.
Actually, there was a lot more to that poem that I remembered. I had to look it up:
DeleteImages
by Tyrone Green
Dark and lonely on a summer's night.
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Watchdog barking. Do he bite?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window. Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck.
Got no reason. What the heck?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
C-I-L my land lord!
Beautiful, isn't it?
Sounds like something Bukowski might have written at the end of a terrible, nightmarish bender. I love it.
DeleteThat was hilarious!!! thanks for the laughs!
ReplyDeleteWait! Wait! Is there one of those for writers?
ReplyDeleteWho knew???? I guess, the fact that I've been married longer than computers have been around, hasn't had me hanging out much on dating sites. I think the inmate site might be just the thing for the ladies that have commitment issues. They would just hook up with the guys with no hope of parole. Oh, and thanks guys for posting a picture of Julio. My nightmare to night is totally on you.
ReplyDeleteTHESE ARE ALL SERIOUS!? I don't even know where my faith in humanity went. I think it's somewhere far away where the internet can't get to it.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, am thankful that these sites are removing inmates/hics/extremists from the the normal dating pool.
ReplyDeletelmfao... We just saw the commercial for the farmersonly site the other night. Have not checked it out, ya know a MB can't resist a good laugh! May even sign up for shits and giggles, Mr MB won't mind!
ReplyDeleteI might know a few people that could be interested in those sites. I'll have to send them the links...
ReplyDeleteOh, and good old Julio. The caption may say, "A wrongly convicted person", but the picture says, "They'll never find your body."
ReplyDeleteYou have got to be fucking kidding me! Now I've seen everything...maybe Julio was just showing his love of hockey ;)
ReplyDeleteHoly shit. I thought you were kidding about those sites actually existing. This is just... Hilarious and also makes me weep for humanity.
ReplyDeleteI, like a lot of others, thought these were all going to be fake, but was so thrilled when I clicked on the farmer link and realized that these exist! That's just too awesome.
ReplyDeleteSo then I was going to joke that I was going to join a dating site for crazy cat ladies, but it turns out, that exists! http://catloversdating.com/ I didn't join, though, I swear. I swear!!
Quite the list there. I think that I need to find a sexy lady on death row.
ReplyDeleteI caught the Rolling Stones reference. (Should I see a doctor? Can a person die from that?)
ReplyDelete>>...Who wouldn't want to reach out to this gentle soul?
That line earned a literal LOL.
>>...Age? Religion? A stable job? No, I don't care about any of that. I just want to make sure she's armed to the fucking teeth.
Well, a woman with "a STABLE job" would probably be found at FarmersOnly.com anyway.
Those stwokes can be pwetty bad, an' so can yew Boys. But you cwack me up.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
You guys are freaking hilarious, how did you know those are the sites where my bosses found their mates? Now that I think about it, even some of my husband's relatives (and mine as well, I have to admit..) have used those very same sites....:)
ReplyDeleteOh my God...I don't...I...What? Anyway, here are some more for your dating pleasure: http://dating.about.com/od/sitereviews/tp/strangedatingsites.htm
ReplyDeletethere is a german show called, farmer seeks wife. it is hilarious!!! but I did some internet dating too, I had to stop tho the police got too close.
ReplyDeleteI confess the online world never ceases to amaze me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the heads up. I think :)
Well no wonder I'm single, I've been going to the wrong dating sites! What I need is a man like Julio. After all, he was wrongly convicted. It says so in his bio, and as I'm lead to believe, people never lie in their online dating bios.
ReplyDeleteThat is just sick and wrong.
ReplyDelete-Ashley Madison
A smiling butt hole... You know you can count me out haha. What's there to smile anyway....
ReplyDeleteP.S. I've got a new url (don't ask..) so could you fellas do me a favor and press that all important button for me again so I can see your pretty faces.... Thanks.
ReplyDeleteSad thing is that if you are an average individual it's had to find love on the internet, but if you are a sick bastard there is lots of love! More sites/fetishes than you can dream of.
ReplyDelete!!! However did you find those amazing sites?! HAAAA!
ReplyDeleteCall me old fashioned but I prefer to meet in-mates the old fashioned way. By throwing things at them as they clean the side of the road while I drive by. That's how my two moms met.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe your dissin' my gunlovers website. You don't even know, man. You don't even know! (I do a good Will Farrell impression)
ReplyDeleteFor real, I had no idea these were out there. I do love poetry. And plastic face masks.
Interesting. A few sobering thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThe one of "Julio" I've seen on a few CourtTV compilations.
And the one that features death row inmates (Daniel Webb here in CT has a profile I believe) is run by a anti-death penalty group out of Canada.
I applaud you for finding the gems of the bunch. I'm still in the search for an invisible girlfriend dating site, as mine is getting kind of stale and naggy.
ReplyDeleteSounds like someone from the prison site might clash with someone from the gun site or maybe they would be perfect for each other. This wouldn't be the first time I lied about owning a farm to join a website.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I once cruised the dating websites and stumbled across Positive Singles. I thought: Oh goodie! I like positive thinkers, maybe this is the site for me. Unfortunately, "positive" in this case was not The Glass is Half Full kinda positive. Oh no, it was the You Better Not Drink Outta That Same Glass Because You're Likely to Catch an STD kinda positive. Bummer!
ReplyDeleteI think the target audience for all of these sites is the same-white trash trailer park. Jesus, the things people will do these days. Reminds me of the times just before the fall of Rome-bread and circus. Didn't last though as Rome came crashing down.
ReplyDeleteI...think that I am going to lay off Internet dating for a while. After my "stallion" experience, I don't intend to visit the Farmer's Only website.
ReplyDelete-Barb