First up is...
Farmers Only isn't all uptight like those other dating sites, and believes that matchmaking questionnaires rooted in the fundamentals of relationship psychology are a bunch of Evolutionist hooey. No, what this site prides itself on is the important questions, the ones that really determine compatibility and will ensure long-lasting happiness. "Instead of asking what your astrological sign is, at FarmersOnly.com we ask if you raise or breed alpacas, horses, cattle, chickens, dogs, goats, rabbits, sheep, grow crops, or if you're an organic farmer, student farmer, cowboy, cowgirl, or just a farmer wanna be!"
Their motto is "City Folks Just Don't Get It," which I'd have to disagree with. I think after watching this commercial - http://youtu.be/6RvyFFjP7RE - I can safely say that I do "get it," and that's why I'm going to stay as far away from "it" as possible. But, how about you? Could wild, wild horses drag you away from this batch of down-home stud muffins?
Next up is...
This may just be my favorite website in the history of the Internet. It's full of not just prisoners, but even death row inmates who are looking for love during the 1 hour of the day they aren't getting shanked/raped/both, library Internet time. Let's meet a man I'll call Jamarcus (and yes, this is 100% a real profile).
I just love that Jamarcus included one of his poems! Could you imagine what a barrel of smiles it would be to hang out with him? An incredible opportunity, indeed!
Or how about our new friend Julio? After seeing his profile, we just had to contact him and bring him on as our newest staff writer. Look for a lot more 'fuck da POH-leece' jokes in our near future!
What I love about Julio is that he has an entire album of pictures, and yet that's the picture he wanted to upload as his profile avatar, of him looking like Hannibal Lector in a car accident. Who wouldn't want to reach out to this gentle soul?
And last but not least...
Because sometimes it's the little things that unite us in love, like the constitutional right to blow each other away. Age? Religion? A stable job? No, I don't care about any of that. I just want to make sure she's armed to the fucking teeth.
This is probably the one website on earth where you look like a douchebag for not posting a picture holding your favorite handgun.
So there you have it. If you can't find love at any of these top-notch sites, then we don't know what to tell you. Except maybe lower your expectations a little bit. We hear that InvalidsInHeat.com is really starting to take off...
Did we miss any?
Cheers and happy hunting (literally)!
Music: Sticky Little Fingers