Thursday, October 4, 2012

Acting Your Age

Contrary to popular belief, some things really do last forever: Styrofoam. Herpes. Any conversation with your cousin Joan, who has immediate short-term memory loss...and a stutter. But, one thing you won't find on that list of the unending is youth. And whether you see it as a good or a bad thing, the fact is, we all get older. And then croak. But, don't worry. This post isn't about dying. It's about youth, and acting your age. Or not acting your age, as both of us here at ABftS have had recent experiences with.

For the first time in almost a decade, Brandon went to a dance club. And it wasn't anything like he remembered from his college days.










Brandon cried a little. At first on the inside, but then eventually on the outside, and cursed the date who had damned him so. He sipped his Coke reluctantly.





But it's not just clubs. The other day I (Bryan) went to a concert with my wife and felt like an absolute geezer. It was full to the brim with the drunkest, sluttiest teenagers I've ever seen. Girls in dresses so tiny someone could floss with them, stumbling and rambling and screaming at the top of their lungs, and not even out of high school. A rapist's wet dream, really. But now that I'm older, it's not really my scene, and especially something I'm not comfortable with at a packed bar.






Let me tell you, friends, you haven't truly felt the creeps until you've had a drunk, half naked 16 year old with alcohol poisoning grinding against your back while your wife is standing beside you talking to you about your tomato garden.*

*True fucking story. Bitch almost got shanked.

Either I need to rethink my taste in music, or I'm a 20-something year old grandpa, because all I could think of while I was at that concert was how the drunk hoochies keep getting younger and younger.






And so it goes. The both of us recently discovered that we're not quite as young as we used to be. Maybe we ought to leave those clubbin' days buried in the deepest pits of our tweenish memory banks and just keep doing what most 28-year-olds do. We'll stick to the laid-back bar scene, where they serve beer without subjecting you to wearing a neon paper bracelet to prove your age. It's where we feel safe.



Cheers and stay classy, folks,

-B&B

Beer: Shiner Red Hare
Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

54 comments:

  1. I abandoned the club scene a loooong time ago! Hell I even quit going to the laid back bars! Those too are being overrun by all the young hoochies!

    But don't worry guys, it all gets worse as you get older! It's best to just stay at home and play a game of candyland with your friends!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm not far behind you in the age stakes, and I feel the same way. I've noticed that as you get older, you start making noises as you get up. Whenever I get out of a chair I quite often make a "Haarumph" sound, as though there's a lot of physical effort being expelled to hoist my ageing carcass from the furniture. Anyone would think my skin had slowly fused to the upholstery after years of inactivity.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I haven't been in a club in ages and I am a young 26ish...I rather sit at home watch criminal minds and crochet. Maybe that's why I will be forever alone, except for my 13 cats!

    But do you feel really old when the young ones keep talking to you, I am just understanding half of what they want from me...mostly cigarettes and booze I think?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wouldn't worry about it guys I'm 21 in a month or so. Even the 3 year age gap is massive if you see a 18yr old in a bar they speak a different language. Maybe I'm just a old on the inside and look ridiculously young on the outside.

    ReplyDelete
  5. A dress you can floss with? You mean, a belt? That's what I always assume it is when a girl wears something like that. I also assume if their ass is hanging out, that they're not wearing shorts, but that they're running around in their underwear and should be arrested for public indecency.

    No comment on the club thing though. I'm like the only 19 year old ever who's never tried to illegally drink or go out and do something like that. lol

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yiiiikes. I woulda left as soon as there was no alcohol. I mean, what's the point? Who wants to dance sober? Not this awkward white girl.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Since I'm old enough to be your mother I don't want to hear about you younguns goin' clubbin'. But I will say that Granny has a much nicer rack than that hoochie chick. Excellent job!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. LMAO oh this is so true, I went into one for the first time in years a little while back, curled by nose up at all the sluty teens and walk right back out. Sitting at home being a hermit is waaaay better than that crap. Although it's amazing the cougars who still hang out there thinking they are 16.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Welcome to old fartdom, boys. Just wait 'til you're 30 . . . .

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dude-I live at the Jersey Shore. I'd rather stick a pencil in my eye than EVER enter a club here anymore. The last time I went to a club to see a band I like,(Blue October BTW) it was in Atlantic City. As soon as I got there an eighteen year old boy wearing an "I heart Hot Moms" tee shirt pressed up on me. He trailed me all night until I finally got so uncomfortable, I told the kid I'd pay him $20.00 to please, just go away!

    **Humiliating, yet true freaking story!**

    ReplyDelete
  11. I went to a concert and actually sat in the balcony. I feel as though jumping in a mosh pit with a bunch of preteens and flailing my arms about uncontrollably would raise some eyebrows. Now I just go to the pub and drink with old people.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sad but true. I haven't been to a club in well over a year and moved on from the scene long before that. The girls are younger wearing dental floss, or too old to be there in the first place. Somehow I always see someone's grandma. There was this once club I used to frequent, the woman was so old my friend and I dubbed her the crypt keeper's daughter.

    Side note, I love that even in old age your wife's ta-ta's are still front and center.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I was on a college campus recently, and I kept looking around... finally, I said, "Damn, these college kids look like they should be in high school..."

    And then my friend pointed out that these "kids" were grad students, and at least 22 or 23.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You're old, embrace it guys. Sit on your porch and yell at those damned kids to get off your lawn!

    ReplyDelete
  15. The last time I was in a club, I was dancing in the cage with lesbians...and yes that is a true story. The baby with the tramp stamp killed me!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm surprised you guys even remember Zima. Which, by the way, I was the only person who cried when it was yanked off the shelf all those years ago.

    I used to love going to the club and dancing but now I'm just as happy dancing in my living room to the Wii Dance Party. Yep, I'm a loser.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Awwww you're coming to terms with your age. There comes a time in all people's lives when they have to realize that things they did in their teens and early 20's are for people in their teens and early 20's...unless they're embarrassing elderly people, like moms who wear booty shorts to a PTA meeting or recently divorced dads who show up at clubs. As you adjust to getting older and not fitting in to horrible things like clubs (really, clubs are awful, no one should like them. DJ's are human enema bags.) please don't end up buying sports cars. If you buy a Corvette, people just assume you have a tiny dick.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Isn't it a shock to discover you are no longer part of the "in crowd" but are bordering on being a golden oldie in their eyes!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think the only thing saving that hussie on your back from a shanking is that nobody brings a toothbrush to a club

    Unless I'm going to the wrong parties of course...

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have no social life. I work in office with middle aged whiteys as you would say and I live in suburbs where I hear repeat poop, pee stories and how boy x broke boy y's nose and how girl z went on hunger strike when she didnt get her BCBG dress and all stories.
    What is that you are talking about - CLUB??

    A teenager grabbed your ass? put that in your resumae.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I went to a club a few months back, hadn't been in years. Same experience. All I could think is: Welp, I'm going to have to get drunk for this to be any fun. I did. It wasn't. I left.

    ReplyDelete
  22. And about that ass tattoo on the baby, do they give him drugs before doing that, I would like to do one as well, but cant handle the screaming.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh hot mess by damn. I realize they look young but they jiggle in the most pleasing ways, and they're so bendy.

    ReplyDelete
  24. The worst part of getting older is when you reach that time in your thirties when people start thinking it's weird that you watch Nickelodeon all the time, by yourself, while wearing a Spiderman costume.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I think the first time I had the feeling was at the midnight premier of Spider-Man 3.

    Part 6 is out today.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh God yes. All of this. I hate a club. Even when I was clubbing age I hated them. I was so relieved to become 23, meet my 13 years older than me hubby at a laid back bar, and start frequenting that laid back bar. Nearly 7 years later I'm still frequenting said bar (yep, even 8 months pregnant). Instead of drinking my cares away I sip on diet pepsi and either play trivia Thursday nights or watch the football on Sundays.

    Either way, it's way better than being smushed up against strangers in a club with sweaty men grinding on you and paying way too much for a beer.

    Getting old isn't always a bad thing.

    ReplyDelete
  28. man oh man, wait until you hit 31...

    I was out recently and was hit on by an underage Mormon girl...Did you know buttsex doesn't count, which means she's still a virgin? And she wondered why I ran away screaming...

    ReplyDelete
  29. It's been a while since I reached the age where I've lost interest for clubs.

    Out of my mouth come phrases such as "I REMEMBER when I was hitting the clubs at 11 p.m. not leaving them!", or "I don't care to have a conversation at the top of my lungs" and "standing in line to get in or having no place to sit is NOT MY IDEA of going to a bar!".

    Lame as it sounds; "been there done that"! In my old age I appreciate the laid back scene where I can get one or two good drinks, not (several) watered down drinks.

    Concerts for me are in small venues where no one steps on you or pushes you repeatedly, or concerts where you won't get stuck next to screaming girls that can he heard by dogs in China!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I used to love clubs and dancing... It's been like 2 whole years since I stopped haha.

    But yeah, it's really pretty creepy how hoochie such young girls are dressing these days. I blame Jersey Shore.

    ReplyDelete
  31. The whole time I was reading this, I was picturing Matthew McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused":

    "That's what I like about high school girls. I keep getting older, they stay the same age."

    ReplyDelete
  32. LOL. We have a hard time finding clubs that cater to that in-between age. Roughly 30-45, somewhere that no one is going to ask to borrow your lip gloss(or other personal items)in the bathroom or collapse in the middle of the hokey-pokey.

    Our search continues...

    I would have shanked that skank. Which is now my new catch-phrase.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I laughed really hard because I could relate... and I'm 20 years old. I think when I was in middle school, people would've thought you were a skank for wearing just a spaghetti strap, but now that I'm in college, I see people have it down to a see through shirt which ACTUALLY showed your bra (and some wear neon colored bras too boot), or a tube top that only covered your nipples (but giving generous glimpses of cleavage and stomach).

    This is NOT an exaggeration.

    Even when I went clubbing with friends (I have to throw them a bone to keep up this appearance of a social life), I feel so grossed out seeing all this ritualistic mating going on. Although there tend to be older college boys who grind on me, they make me feel old because they act and look like they're 15. It's just gross.

    Your cartoons are too true...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Clubs have never been my scene, and I'm sure that I would only be more out of place now than ever before if I stepped foot in one of them--which I won't be doing anytime soon.

    Why yes, yes I am a fuddy-duddy. What of it?

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm not really that interested in clubs, I might try going to one but I would much rather go to a gig or a pub.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I used to go to the clubs every night, drink and dance, do some questionable things with guys in duct tape. Of course, I've grown up a lot in the last three weeks.

    Loved the Dora backpack.

    I swear, whenever I'm down, a quick look at A Beer for a Shower, and all is good.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I don't look my age (and I sure as fuck don't act like it) but it's kind of a double edged sword because people think I'm young and when I tell them my age I get, "OMG you're not REALLY that old, are you?" at which point I'll say something like, "Well Elizabeth Bathroy knew what she was talking about when she said that bathing in blood would keep you young. Want to come over? You look like you're my type."

    ReplyDelete
  38. It does feel like the "partying" age is getting younger and younger, and people seem to settle in a bit at a younger age. This seriously cracked me up.

    ReplyDelete
  39. On the drive home, I saw a group of girls run by in running shorts that were...well, underwear really. I must be getting old.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Hate clubs. But it's not an age thing...I've always hated them. I still went, dragged along by my friends. That was when we started our night at 10pm...now when it's getting near ten, I'm thinking it's time to head home!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I find myself guessing the ages of females more than a carnival performer these days.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Ooh, that's terrible! What a degenerate bunch of young people the older people in this country have raised! It's especially such a sad shame to see what has happened to the morality of young women in America.

    Incidentally, what was the name of that club you visited? And what was the name of the band you saw?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  43. I didn't like going to clubs even when I was younger. They were just too crowded. I was the guy that would go with my friends and then hang out outside all night. A bit more space and I could hear better.

    ReplyDelete
  44. If it makes you feel any better, I've never gone clubbing before and I don't really feel any interest in it.

    Other than to say I've done it once, and that's it.

    ReplyDelete
  45. This is why I love you guys. This cartoon was awesome. Everyone says that 50 is the new 40 and all that jazz (which is a huge load of bullshit by the way), so why do I feel ancient? I'm frickin 31. Why do I feel like telling all of these jail bait 16 year olds to go put some gawd damned clothes on? Get the fuck off my lawn. I'm glad I'm 31, I would never want to go back to being so insecure and stupid as I was at 20. Good riddance.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Love the "sweatier than a brothel mattress". Yes, it actually is sad when you realize you're too old for the things you used to love to do.

    The 30s are the worse...get ready for them...BUT 40s are the good years. :)

    ReplyDelete
  47. This line: " A rapist's wet dream, really. But now that I'm older, it's not really my scene, " made me think Bryan was once a rapist, but now he's too old to rape girls. Read it a second time, and put down my pitchfork and torch to lead the villagers.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I feel old. I'm at that age where most of my friends go out clubbing, and I find it nasty. I guess I still have fun at a concert.. but there's no half naked teens so.. something's wrong.

    As for the grinding. I had this one chick rape me with her air penis this one time. It was one of the oddest feelings ever. No one was there to save me either..

    ReplyDelete
  49. Geeze you guys sure are a couple of old farts at the grand old age of 28.

    You better come join me at the seniors club next time you want a night out. We can boogie on the bridge table. haha

    ReplyDelete
  50. I think I was born as a thirty-five year old. I've never been interested in going to loud clubs with under-aged brats. Though I did go to a Mika concert once. ONCE. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
  51. I say it, and say it, and say it (and published it): It's amazing how old kids are getting!

    ReplyDelete
  52. I have been thinking this recently. The girls I see at bars look so incredibly young... so much that it feels almost illegal to even look at them. Of course, it is just the fact that I am getting older.

    The first picture of the geezer made me laugh my face off.

    ReplyDelete