Monday, September 10, 2012

The Superheroes You Never Knew Existed, Part Two

Hey folks, and welcome to part 2 of superheroes you didn't know existed. For part 1, go here. Or don't. We don't currently have a superhero to enforce that rule.

Today brings us the greatest modern superhero of all. He's a man I used to work with back when I was employed, and he has the ability to command complete and utter silence, no matter how many people are talking or how loud they are.

Because he is... the Joke Killer.


Yes, that's right, that's Comic Sans you just read. If you want to imagine the sound of his voice, just imagine nails on a chalkboard... AKA the audio equivalent of Comic Sans.

He has that $8 Bill Gates haircut and that dopey, dead-behind-the-eyes expression that says his idea of comedic genius is Full House-era Bob Saget (not to be confused with modern, edgy, potty mouthed Bob Saget... only a slight step up). It's not just that he's unfunny, but that he genuinely thinks he's funny. Enough people have pretended to laugh at his bad jokes up to this point in his life that now he just swears that he's an absolute laugh riot.

But he's not. He is a man whose jokes are so awful that once uttered, no conversation can ever recover from it. Talking to him is like the verbal Holocaust. He knows more than one-hundred knock knock jokes, because he thinks those are "comedy gold." And, because of all of this, he can kill the wittiest, funniest conversation with a single joke.

















And with that, the conversation is dead and everyone wishes they could just jump out the window to their deaths. Because he is the Joke Killer.

But worst of all, you can't ignore him. Oh no, that just makes things worse. Because then he'll want to "explain" it, you know, to make sure you received the full dose of hilarity.
















Do you have a Joke Killer in your life, be it at work, or a friend, or God forbid, someone at home?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Dutch Uncles
Beer: Negra Modelo

Also, just FYI, our new e-book novel "Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas" goes on sale one week from today!


52 comments:

  1. AHHH!! If you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Everyone in my family is hilarious, so when we get together, we will keep busting on each other and try to keep a joke going, and one up-ing it the whole time. No one wants to be the Joke Killer. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Did you know that Bradley Cooper is a superhero...called Beardless Wonder! HAHAHA! Get it? Because he's really gay? But he broke up with Renee Zellpussfaciger? So now he doesn't have a a beard? And leaves us all wondering?????

    ReplyDelete
  4. Looks like "words" had borrowed your ragemania from Twilight and 50 shades of Grey? How different is words from "a murder of crows?".
    About the publishing joke, I read couple of published books recently and they aint worth the toilet paper. How did they get published, beats me.
    Joke killer, I love his costume too and perfect name too.
    Joke killer. Ask me the nationality of this guy, easy. Good lord, these joke killers are everywhere and they are human repellants. They could turn on the "mute" and "deactivate" buttons remotely.
    Sometimes I do need to explain my jokes, - Oh my! good lord, Bryan please move, I would like to dive down that laundry chute first.

    ReplyDelete
  5. And he doesn't have a (facial) beard either!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thankfully I don't have one of those people in my world. I'm not sure I could let them survive.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love the sad looks on your faces after the bad joke. The equivalent of this in my life is the guy at the office who tells uncomfortable jokes that are enough off-color to make everyone feel uncomfortable but not enough to get him fired. Like making a "chubby girl" joke instead of a "fat chick" joke. And yeah, why do they all have that same haircut?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't know anyone like that... OH DEAR GOD MAYBE ITS ME D;

    ReplyDelete
  9. Unrealistic to lose a draft novel and have someone else find it and publish it???? Just ask Slim Dyson, my friends.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Speaking of Bob Saget, I used to love AFHV as a kid. But I remember seeing a re-run of his era of the show and I was scratching my head wondering what on earth was wrong with me back then.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm glad I don't know anyone who is this bad with their puns. But I do know they exist, and that they are slowly killing the world. At least your jokes were funny.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Is it bad that I got the "cod" joke without explanation? Crap.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thankfully I know no one like that, at least for a long time, plenty of them in university, even worse when they get drunk.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I would come up with a witty joke but you probably wouldn't get it, forcing me to explain the joke and thus I join the ranks of....THE JOKE KILLER!

    ReplyDelete
  15. "Knock knock!"
    "Who's there?"
    "Orange."
    "Orange who?"
    "Orange you glad I didn't come up with a bad joke?"

    Tehe

    ReplyDelete
  16. HAHAHAHA Just the image of Bryan eating chips after that first joke had me rolling. It's the best face ever. That cricket chirping, eyes blinking, did he really just say that moment.

    Also, congrats on the finished cover art for the book! It looks great.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Him and my ex would get along great...

    ReplyDelete
  18. My favorites are the people who can't remember how a joke goes, but they try to tell you anyway...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ah the joke killer!!! I hate that guy!!! But he is not quite as bad as the "oh wait I forgot the punchline guy"... you know the guy that fumbles away the punchline into awkward silence... ya that guy might be worse?

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have met those people who are so socially awkward that just sitting in the same room with them is like physical pain. I don't come across these people on a regular basis, but they pop up often enough that I can relate to your experiences with The Joke Killer. I almost feel sorry for them though. They try so hard to fit in and be funny, but just can't get there. And they don't even realize it. Sad, really.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Fortunately, I don't know any Joke Killers.

    Anyway, you should call him the Joke Robber because he's robbing the bank of all their "funs." Get it? Because "funs" sounds like "funds"?

    Oh my God, I AM the Joke Killer!

    ReplyDelete
  22. "Talking to him is like the verbal Holocaust." LOL! I love that line.

    Yes, I did have a Joke Killer at work...and we also had Creepy Guy and I'm your friend, Gal. Creepy Guy used to suck in air on the sides of his mouth when he talked with his head down and eyes staring up.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I do have a joke killer in my life, she's a co-worker, and I call her The Jesus-Turner actually. Because no matter what you are saying or joking about she turns it to Jesus and her church. I suppose it's a skill to be able to silence a group of people and cast a shadow upon a shared joy so quickly as she can...

    ReplyDelete
  24. I don't get it.

    Is there supposed to be something WRONG with that guy?

    He's HILARIOUS!

    If he had a blog, I'd drop this page like a wet cat.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Sadly I actually laughed at the cod joke because I know someone with that accent.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This made me laugh hysterically. Thanks for that. I know several joke killers. I literally have just taken to staring at them in stunned silence. I don't say a word. Unless I yell something out like, "You ruin everything!!!" and run away.

    ReplyDelete
  27. My brother thought for a while that he could be a professional poker player. I'm not sure, actually, if he's still living under that delusion or not.

    Man, y'all are keeping me busy with the reading lately!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh, I know way too many JK's! Mostly my ex-husband.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I know a few Joke Killers. It's always painful to talk to them. Whether it be from the eye-twitch I get, the harsh shudder that knocks my spine out of alignment from the horror of the "joke", or the forced laughter so they'll leave me alone... I'm not sure.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I want to see JK man as someone's wingman at the bar. The Anti-Stinson...

    ReplyDelete
  31. I know a bunch of joke killers and they're all guys trying to be cooler than they actually are... as if it matters to any of us. I don't get it. At all.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I know a guy like that. Luckily, he doesn't try to explain his jokes. He just gets mad when no one laughs. He thinks we all hate him. We don't. He's a great guy, but not at all funny. Every time we get together, he leaves in a fit of rage because he thinks we are being mean when we don't roll on the floor laughing at his jokes.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I lol'd a few times.. every time I saw a frowny face, because that's exactly my reaction whenever someone is the Joke Killer.

    ReplyDelete
  34. "Pay him for the pizza."
    Ha!-Ha! Good stuffs, BEER BOYS.

    Also, I like the Joke Killer's costume. Shades of The Joker from my beloved Old-School 'BATMAN' (talkin' mid-1960s TV).

    I don't really know any Joke Killers, but a good friend of mine is a Joke Stealer: He'd come up with all these good, funny lines, but years later we'd discover that he had stolen them from various professional comics and comedy movies we hadn't yet discovered.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  35. Normally, I'm fairly quick witted and can come up with a joke (even if just a well-timed one-liner) for the conversation at hand. But one time over family dinner, I went to diss my brother, but stumbled over my words and forgot the word "en suite".

    It wasn't one of my prouder moments. My brother's response: Well, obviously you didn't get any of the humour in the family. Everyday, I wish he was wrong.

    Sadly, I was the joke kill... ... nevermind, I was the butt of the joke, not the joke killer. Wow. I feel much better. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  36. "$8 Bill Gates haircut and that dopey, dead-behind-the-eyes expression that says his idea of comedic genius is Full House-era Bob Saget" And you found the guy who kept following me around the halls of high school HOW?

    ReplyDelete
  37. That's the kind of guy that really needs to be given a wedgy. A super wedgy even-all the way up over his head with the underpants kind of wedgy. Then shoot him.

    ReplyDelete
  38. DOH! I meant 'THE RIDDLER', not 'The Joker'.

    Well, that was a lotta years and a lotta beers ago.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  39. What we need to do is put all the joke killers in one room, and then bolt the door from the outside. They can keep telling each other jokes until the food runs out.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I have at least a dozen leper jokes and you know what really kills those? When you have to explain to people the difference between a leopard, the cat, and a leper, the person with the parts falling off. It just grates on my nerves.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I think I know the JK's secret real life identity. Unfortunately.

    Also, Pilk is pig milk? Who would've thunk?

    ReplyDelete
  42. I am joke killer. Because it it hilarious to watch the reaction from a terrible joke.

    It's not for your entertainment, it's for mine.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I am totally joke killer. But I twist my hair when I tell jokes and it's really cute.

    Sorta.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I know a friend like that.

    Oh god, I can imagine her using that exact same pun too...

    ReplyDelete
  45. Okay... I'm normally a pacifist but I seriously want to kill that guy...maybe by strangling him with his own lower intestine...
    Another great post Dude(s)...

    ReplyDelete
  46. My brother.....he has a dry sense of humor and kills even the best jokes.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Sad to say, my 11 year old daughter is turning into a legendary joke killer.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I cant remember jokes..except for the joke my mum always tells...and sadly that is probably doomed to be my joke..
    Great post guys (yes late to the party as always but I am getting good at doing the dishes)

    ReplyDelete
  49. I think my favorite part of the Joke Killer is his circular hands.

    ReplyDelete
  50. You know...I don't. I sort of feel like I need one for when I'm trying to get people to leave my house. Wouldn't that come in handy?

    Congratulations on your new release! You guys are rocking this publishing thing.

    ReplyDelete