Today brings us the greatest modern superhero of all. He's a man I used to work with back when I was employed, and he has the ability to command complete and utter silence, no matter how many people are talking or how loud they are.
Because he is... the Joke Killer.
Yes, that's right, that's Comic Sans you just read. If you want to imagine the sound of his voice, just imagine nails on a chalkboard... AKA the audio equivalent of Comic Sans.
He has that $8 Bill Gates haircut and that dopey, dead-behind-the-eyes expression that says his idea of comedic genius is Full House-era Bob Saget (not to be confused with modern, edgy, potty mouthed Bob Saget... only a slight step up). It's not just that he's unfunny, but that he genuinely thinks he's funny. Enough people have pretended to laugh at his bad jokes up to this point in his life that now he just swears that he's an absolute laugh riot.
But he's not. He is a man whose jokes are so awful that once uttered, no conversation can ever recover from it. Talking to him is like the verbal Holocaust. He knows more than one-hundred knock knock jokes, because he thinks those are "comedy gold." And, because of all of this, he can kill the wittiest, funniest conversation with a single joke.
And with that, the conversation is dead and everyone wishes they could just jump out the window to their deaths. Because he is the Joke Killer.
But worst of all, you can't ignore him. Oh no, that just makes things worse. Because then he'll want to "explain" it, you know, to make sure you received the full dose of hilarity.
Do you have a Joke Killer in your life, be it at work, or a friend, or God forbid, someone at home?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Music: Dutch Uncles
Beer: Negra Modelo
Also, just FYI, our new e-book novel "Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas" goes on sale one week from today!
AHHH!! If you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny.
ReplyDeleteEveryone in my family is hilarious, so when we get together, we will keep busting on each other and try to keep a joke going, and one up-ing it the whole time. No one wants to be the Joke Killer. Ever.
ReplyDeleteDid you know that Bradley Cooper is a superhero...called Beardless Wonder! HAHAHA! Get it? Because he's really gay? But he broke up with Renee Zellpussfaciger? So now he doesn't have a a beard? And leaves us all wondering?????
ReplyDeleteLooks like "words" had borrowed your ragemania from Twilight and 50 shades of Grey? How different is words from "a murder of crows?".
ReplyDeleteAbout the publishing joke, I read couple of published books recently and they aint worth the toilet paper. How did they get published, beats me.
Joke killer, I love his costume too and perfect name too.
Joke killer. Ask me the nationality of this guy, easy. Good lord, these joke killers are everywhere and they are human repellants. They could turn on the "mute" and "deactivate" buttons remotely.
Sometimes I do need to explain my jokes, - Oh my! good lord, Bryan please move, I would like to dive down that laundry chute first.
And he doesn't have a (facial) beard either!
ReplyDeleteThankfully I don't have one of those people in my world. I'm not sure I could let them survive.
ReplyDeleteI love the sad looks on your faces after the bad joke. The equivalent of this in my life is the guy at the office who tells uncomfortable jokes that are enough off-color to make everyone feel uncomfortable but not enough to get him fired. Like making a "chubby girl" joke instead of a "fat chick" joke. And yeah, why do they all have that same haircut?
ReplyDeleteI don't know anyone like that... OH DEAR GOD MAYBE ITS ME D;
ReplyDeleteUnrealistic to lose a draft novel and have someone else find it and publish it???? Just ask Slim Dyson, my friends.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of Bob Saget, I used to love AFHV as a kid. But I remember seeing a re-run of his era of the show and I was scratching my head wondering what on earth was wrong with me back then.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I don't know anyone who is this bad with their puns. But I do know they exist, and that they are slowly killing the world. At least your jokes were funny.
ReplyDeleteIs it bad that I got the "cod" joke without explanation? Crap.
ReplyDeleteThankfully I know no one like that, at least for a long time, plenty of them in university, even worse when they get drunk.
ReplyDeleteI would come up with a witty joke but you probably wouldn't get it, forcing me to explain the joke and thus I join the ranks of....THE JOKE KILLER!
ReplyDelete"Knock knock!"
ReplyDelete"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
"Orange you glad I didn't come up with a bad joke?"
Tehe
HAHAHAHA Just the image of Bryan eating chips after that first joke had me rolling. It's the best face ever. That cricket chirping, eyes blinking, did he really just say that moment.
ReplyDeleteAlso, congrats on the finished cover art for the book! It looks great.
Him and my ex would get along great...
ReplyDeleteMy favorites are the people who can't remember how a joke goes, but they try to tell you anyway...
ReplyDeleteAh the joke killer!!! I hate that guy!!! But he is not quite as bad as the "oh wait I forgot the punchline guy"... you know the guy that fumbles away the punchline into awkward silence... ya that guy might be worse?
ReplyDeleteI have met those people who are so socially awkward that just sitting in the same room with them is like physical pain. I don't come across these people on a regular basis, but they pop up often enough that I can relate to your experiences with The Joke Killer. I almost feel sorry for them though. They try so hard to fit in and be funny, but just can't get there. And they don't even realize it. Sad, really.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I don't know any Joke Killers.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you should call him the Joke Robber because he's robbing the bank of all their "funs." Get it? Because "funs" sounds like "funds"?
Oh my God, I AM the Joke Killer!
Joke killer is a dick bag.
ReplyDelete"Talking to him is like the verbal Holocaust." LOL! I love that line.
ReplyDeleteYes, I did have a Joke Killer at work...and we also had Creepy Guy and I'm your friend, Gal. Creepy Guy used to suck in air on the sides of his mouth when he talked with his head down and eyes staring up.
I do have a joke killer in my life, she's a co-worker, and I call her The Jesus-Turner actually. Because no matter what you are saying or joking about she turns it to Jesus and her church. I suppose it's a skill to be able to silence a group of people and cast a shadow upon a shared joy so quickly as she can...
ReplyDeleteI don't get it.
ReplyDeleteIs there supposed to be something WRONG with that guy?
He's HILARIOUS!
If he had a blog, I'd drop this page like a wet cat.
Sadly I actually laughed at the cod joke because I know someone with that accent.
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh hysterically. Thanks for that. I know several joke killers. I literally have just taken to staring at them in stunned silence. I don't say a word. Unless I yell something out like, "You ruin everything!!!" and run away.
ReplyDeleteMy brother thought for a while that he could be a professional poker player. I'm not sure, actually, if he's still living under that delusion or not.
ReplyDeleteMan, y'all are keeping me busy with the reading lately!
Oh, I know way too many JK's! Mostly my ex-husband.
ReplyDeleteWas that supposed to be a joke?
ReplyDeleteI know a few Joke Killers. It's always painful to talk to them. Whether it be from the eye-twitch I get, the harsh shudder that knocks my spine out of alignment from the horror of the "joke", or the forced laughter so they'll leave me alone... I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteI want to see JK man as someone's wingman at the bar. The Anti-Stinson...
ReplyDeleteI know a bunch of joke killers and they're all guys trying to be cooler than they actually are... as if it matters to any of us. I don't get it. At all.
ReplyDeleteI know a guy like that. Luckily, he doesn't try to explain his jokes. He just gets mad when no one laughs. He thinks we all hate him. We don't. He's a great guy, but not at all funny. Every time we get together, he leaves in a fit of rage because he thinks we are being mean when we don't roll on the floor laughing at his jokes.
ReplyDeleteI lol'd a few times.. every time I saw a frowny face, because that's exactly my reaction whenever someone is the Joke Killer.
ReplyDelete"Pay him for the pizza."
ReplyDeleteHa!-Ha! Good stuffs, BEER BOYS.
Also, I like the Joke Killer's costume. Shades of The Joker from my beloved Old-School 'BATMAN' (talkin' mid-1960s TV).
I don't really know any Joke Killers, but a good friend of mine is a Joke Stealer: He'd come up with all these good, funny lines, but years later we'd discover that he had stolen them from various professional comics and comedy movies we hadn't yet discovered.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Normally, I'm fairly quick witted and can come up with a joke (even if just a well-timed one-liner) for the conversation at hand. But one time over family dinner, I went to diss my brother, but stumbled over my words and forgot the word "en suite".
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't one of my prouder moments. My brother's response: Well, obviously you didn't get any of the humour in the family. Everyday, I wish he was wrong.
Sadly, I was the joke kill... ... nevermind, I was the butt of the joke, not the joke killer. Wow. I feel much better. Thanks!
"$8 Bill Gates haircut and that dopey, dead-behind-the-eyes expression that says his idea of comedic genius is Full House-era Bob Saget" And you found the guy who kept following me around the halls of high school HOW?
ReplyDeleteThat's the kind of guy that really needs to be given a wedgy. A super wedgy even-all the way up over his head with the underpants kind of wedgy. Then shoot him.
ReplyDeleteDOH! I meant 'THE RIDDLER', not 'The Joker'.
ReplyDeleteWell, that was a lotta years and a lotta beers ago.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
What we need to do is put all the joke killers in one room, and then bolt the door from the outside. They can keep telling each other jokes until the food runs out.
ReplyDeleteI have at least a dozen leper jokes and you know what really kills those? When you have to explain to people the difference between a leopard, the cat, and a leper, the person with the parts falling off. It just grates on my nerves.
ReplyDeleteI think I know the JK's secret real life identity. Unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Pilk is pig milk? Who would've thunk?
I am joke killer. Because it it hilarious to watch the reaction from a terrible joke.
ReplyDeleteIt's not for your entertainment, it's for mine.
I am totally joke killer. But I twist my hair when I tell jokes and it's really cute.
ReplyDeleteSorta.
I know a friend like that.
ReplyDeleteOh god, I can imagine her using that exact same pun too...
Okay... I'm normally a pacifist but I seriously want to kill that guy...maybe by strangling him with his own lower intestine...
ReplyDeleteAnother great post Dude(s)...
My brother.....he has a dry sense of humor and kills even the best jokes.
ReplyDeleteSad to say, my 11 year old daughter is turning into a legendary joke killer.
ReplyDeleteI cant remember jokes..except for the joke my mum always tells...and sadly that is probably doomed to be my joke..
ReplyDeleteGreat post guys (yes late to the party as always but I am getting good at doing the dishes)
I think my favorite part of the Joke Killer is his circular hands.
ReplyDeleteYou know...I don't. I sort of feel like I need one for when I'm trying to get people to leave my house. Wouldn't that come in handy?
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your new release! You guys are rocking this publishing thing.