Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Superheroes You Never Knew Existed, Part I

There are superheroes that walk among us. I'm not talking about policemen or firefighters or soldiers, but men and women with not-so-extraordinary, not-so-supernatural powers. Also, not all of those powers are good. Or even useful, for that matter.

Today we present to you: the superheroes you never knew existed.

1. This man fights injustice at every opportunity, and strikes fear in the hearts of those who have wronged him.







He is... Captain Road Rage, and he has 2 special abilities. First, he can justify beating a man half to death because that man was driving 42 in a 45 mph zone in front of him. Second, he can easily evade the police... mostly because the police never seem to be around when this asshole gets upset and goes into smash mode.


2. This superhero might be one that you're a little more used to hearing about, because he received his powers after falling into a vat of radioactive waste. However, now that he's radioactive, he doesn't so much spend his days fighting crime as he does getting painful, aggressive chemotherapy treatments and vomiting uncontrollably. Also, he's become horrendously deformed.

He is... Radioactive Man!



3. Our last hero is one you see every day. He lurks in chat rooms, and forums, and news websites. He's not the hero our Internet deserves, but he's the hero it surely needs.

He is... Grammaticon.














What a badass. I don't know if you've been to this Internet place lately, but Grammaticon's sure got his work cut out for him.

So, any other unlikely superheroes I should add to this list?

Also, stay tuned for Monday, when Part 2 reveals one last superhero... the greatest (or I guess worst?) of them all.

Your all invited to come back!



...Crap.


Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Hoodie Allen
Beer: Fat Tire

PS Our good friend Pish Posh recently put out a collection of blogger stories called All Cracked Up, and she was kind enough to ask me to write the introduction. And I don't want to brag, but it's the best introduction I've ever written. Also the only introduction I've ever written. Check it out here.




52 comments:

  1. Did I see a typo? That's fucking it! May all the fury of hell be unleashed upon you! Or just a badgering of curse words and the pointing out of flaws...which is the same as the fury of hell!

    Can't wait to see the next line of superheroes!

    And that was the best damn intro I have ever read in my life! Thanks for your contribution to "the book"!

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  2. The Manga style pictures are hilariously beautiful.
    Some other average superheroes: "Sneak-A-Fart Lad" who can fart anywhere in a crowded area and never get blamed for it. On a plane, in an elevator, at a bar, in a train, he'll be there.
    "Hedge Fund Manager" able to screw an economy in a single transaction. More powerful than a regulation.

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  3. Grammaticon rocks! Love how the veins on his neck are popping out with rage!

    Shouldn't Wile E. Coyote be doing the nasty with the Roadrunner, not a mere chicken? THIS is the kind of error that we should REALLY get worked up about.

    Oh, and also people who type things in CAPITAL LETTERS.

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  4. I absolutely love the extra care taken to create Grammaticon, a superhero I hold close to my heart. Because I've really done that.

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  5. That grammar guy is starting to stalk me.

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  6. Ha! I think we all have a little bit of Captain Road Rage in us...

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  7. i'm pretty sure my husband is related to captain road rage.
    i'm also pretty sure that grammaticon truly feels superior to the world and like he's doing everyone a huge favor when he straps on his nerd suit and reprimands complete strangers for their little failings. like spelling or grammar errors are character flaws. or not using capitalizations or punctuation
    i look forward to the next installment.

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  8. I'll go with Debra and CAPITAL MAN, and would like to add WebMD Man and his side kick, Candy Stripe Girl. Super powers? The ability to read up basic medical symptoms and treatments on the web and then tell medical staff they don't know what they're doing!

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  9. I've found when I drink and drive, I'm a lot less sensitive to asshole drivers. Perhaps I should do it more. It's like a cloak to ward off Captain Road Rage.

    Uh, anyway, a superhero I run into everyday is Walks-In-Straight-Lines-Only Man! He has the ability to completely shut out everyone around him and walk in a perfectly straight line to his destination. If he's coming your way, you best step to the side or risk having his shoulder brush up against you. His weapon of choice is an iPhone from which he hardly averts his glance.

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  10. lol i sure lyk G man :P
    whatabt stalker man?

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  11. Ok, I think I know that last one personally.

    And that was one KICKASS introduction. I'd forgotten your last name was Pedas. I might have spent the last few minutes saying it over and over really fast and laughing a little. I've had a lot of caffeine.

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  12. hahaha the grammar guy will have no eyes left if they keep popping out like that at all the millions of errors. Captain Road Rage sure knows what he is doing, those bad guys will at least know what hit em haha

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  13. Fat tire has treated me well. I've had my run in with grammar nazis. They're helpful, but maybe not on reddit or youtube.

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  14. I NO Grammaticon. I NO people just like himself Their so annoyingly, aren't it?

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  15. Oh dear. I've been guilty of being a grammar nazi... just so annoying!! :P

    Great post. How about... The Paced Pedestrian! In brightest day, in darkest night, brisk walking and hurried jogs will not escape his or her sight! 'Now is not the time for business' they'll cry as they jump before someone they deem to have an unsuitably fast walking pace! And they'll just lumber along in front of them, like a snail or a tortoise. And take hours...to reach... their destina- tion tion tion *shutting down* zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    Maybe that was a little long ¬_¬

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  16. I am the guy that gets upset about the bad grammar and spelling, but I have the restraint to not say anything. I just sit back and revel in how much smarter I am than everyone else.

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  17. I'm with Brett. At least on the Internet.
    When it comes to reviews, though...
    duhn duhn duuhn!

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  18. I really wish I could say I didn't know Captain Road Rage, but unfortunately, my alter ego is Queen Road Rage. Hey, but two passionate people together make for some awesome bed partners.

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  19. I am "Captain Passenger Rage", stop the car I'll whack him one!

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  20. I am kind of in love with Grammaticon, I can't tell a lie. I used to be Captain Road Rage, but I got over it. I just yell at people now. No more running in to folks on purpose on the freeway. Not that I ever did THAT or anything. *looking away and whistling*

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  21. All my rage, that Grammar nut was a good one.

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  22. I know the true identity of Grammaticon. My brother. He's been correcting my grammar since his first English class. It's annoying. Not as annoying as the texts I send him: "Wat u up 2? R u up 4 lunch? Ur call on where." It pains me to send them, but his annoyance is totally worth it.

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  23. Ha! Classic ABFTS. Captain Road Rage and Grammaticon are superheroes for the ages!

    >>...So, any other unlikely superheroes I should add to this list?

    Mmmm... Maybe DETECTIVE GUMSHOE, who leaves used Wrigley's and Dubble Bubble on sidewalks and asphalt, which our shoes are immediately attracted to, and then used by D.G. as a "tracking" device. (By the way, Detective Gumshoe's first cousin is DETECTIVE DOGPOOP. Both are excellent trackers!)

    ~ Stephen

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  24. I've seen many grammar superheroes on FB

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  25. I lol'd so hard when I saw grammaticon's, uh, war face? Nice fun laugh of the day I'd say. Awesome!

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  26. I think I married Grammaticon. I especially have to brace myself during the holiday season when he spellchecks all the greeting cards we receive!

    God forbid someone makes the mistake of misplacing an apostrophe writing "Greetings from the (insert last name here)'s"

    Can't wait to see who the greatest superhero is.

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  27. I really wonder about you sometimes!

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  28. I hate those grammar bastards. I had this arsemonkey once who followed me and kept correcting my use of apostrophe's. Arrogant little shit. I put him in my Troll of Fame and then I blocked him. The feckers still there, being fed flies by my pet troll Guido.

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  29. Sorry if this makes me sound like a jerk, but I sincerely hope that Grammaticon is real. We need him. Desperately.

    Also, I can't think of any super heroes to add to your list at the moment, but I'll let you know if I do! :)

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  30. I'm all too familiar with Captain Road Rage. I think I've also met his cousin, Escalator Man.

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  31. I think I know Grammaticon's secret identity...take away the glasses and he looks a lot like....

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  32. I've seen in action Grammaticon many, many times. He has a lot of work to do but he never seems to get tired of it.

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  33. That Grammaticon Man would make me loose my mind.

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  34. Oh, Gramaticon, you are so impressive with your grasp of perfect grammar. I don't know why everyone isn't thankful when you correct them!

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  35. Hate to say it, but I am Grammaticon with PMS...he looks eerily similar to a character from Futurama, btw.

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  36. I think I saw Road Rage Man this morning on the way to work. I called him into action with the Road Rage symbol by flipping him the bird...

    Me and my friends love the idea of mediocre super heroes for mediocre problems.

    My favourite was Thermostat man, who had the uncanny ability to make a room uncomfortably warm

    With all the comic book movies going ahead you should be hearing Hollywood soon fellas.

    http://mediocresuperheroes.blogspot.com.au/

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  37. You haven't seen road rage until you've moved to Saudi.
    I can't even begin to describe it.
    People drive like their a herd of bulls. With obnoxious horns.

    >.<

    And we definitely need more of Grammaticon nowadays...

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  38. I have terrible grammar along with terrible spelling when I'm commenting - but try to do a decent job in my blog.

    I am guilty of road rage in certain situations but I've never actually physically assaulted anyone. I just use my words and some sign language. You would to if you lived where I did. LOL

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  39. Never knew how uptight people were about grammatical errors until I started blogging. Grammaticon frightens me!

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  40. Grammaticon truly deserves appreciation for his endless effort, I dont understand why he is ridiculed here.
    Come on, if it werent for him and couple of grammar nazis and grammar police the blogosphere shall be infected with people like me. No longer only Twilight and Shades of Grey shall be called literary shits but everything.

    If it werent for grammaticon, there wouldnt be just American English and British English, there would be Indian English(Grammaticon's Archenemy) and much more.

    That would be end of the day. Do you want that? Please send a "Thank youR" note to Grammaticon.

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  41. Sometimes I feel like I could have Grammaticon inside me... but I karate-chop away the red helmet when it starts flying at my head.

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  42. Hands down, no doubt, move over all Marvel/DC whateverelse superhero's ever, the BEST superhero is Grammaticon. I love Grammaticon. He sometimes appears on FB comments putting people in their place and it gives me tingles every time I see him in action.

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  43. A title like "Demetri and the Banana Flavored Rocketship" is so a-peeling.

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  44. You should use double quotes for words, idiot, not single quotes! Asshole.

    ;)

    I need to make more time to read this blog.

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  45. As usual, visiting your blog made me chuckle... I heard that Radioactive Man has now transformed himself to become Radioactive Corpse Man and that he has moved on from crime fighting to worm fighting...

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  46. Is Radiation Man supposed to look like Sloth?

    How about Misplaced Aggression Man? Simmering in his own pool of rage, he takes it out on unsuspecting clerks and waitstaff. Holier than thou, everyone around him is meant to serve him, and do it just the way he wants or risk being publicly berated. "I've been waiting in this line for 2 1/2 minutes! My life is being wasted! How dare you make me wait! I should get to skip in front of all these people who don't matter! Rawr!"

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  47. I like to think that my road rage is more specialized. For example, I am extremely upset about the large number of cars with only a rear CA license plate attached to their cars. In CA the law is that you are required to have both a front and a rear license plate but a shockingly large number of *people* do not have licenses plates on the front of their cars. THe only reason I can think they do this is to avoid getting tickets for running red lights at intersections where red light cameras have been installed. Perhaps a few of them do this because they don't know any better. Anyway this bothers me a great deal and for no particular reason I really want it to end. That is all.

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  48. Oh man, that anime-esque transformation scene got to me.

    Oh the memories...

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