Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Idiot's Guide to Poker

I’m not good at a lot of things. I’m not good at waiting, I’m not good at swimming, and I’m not good at keeping my mouth shut, but one thing I’m especially not good at is poker. Betting, bluffing, holding, folding – it’s all Greek to me. I’ve had Brandon try and explain it to me before, but it just does no good.

So to celebrate our new novel about zombies taking over LasVegas, we flew out to Sin City to learn some high stakes poker. And we invited our good friend Youngman Brown to help us out. Between him and Brandon, I got some very helpful poker tips that have really turned my game around.





I also learned from Brandon that being good at poker has everything to do with skill and nothing to do with luck...







Another thing I learned is that your "poker face" is everything. That Lady Gaga chick was onto something.









The last lesson I learned was to always tip your dealer. Because, eventually, karma will poke you in the eye for being a cheap bastard.





So, how is that a lesson, you ask? Apparently, insulting a man's livelihood is frowned upon by the galactic powers that be, because once we all returned to our respective hotel rooms we found that our dealer had taken the liberty of having sexy call girls delivered to each of us. And by sexy call girls I mean big, hairy bikers dressed in women's lingerie. I never did find out why bikers would actually choose to wear lingerie. But I did find out that no matter how good your luck is or how much you win at a poker table in Las Vegas, when a three-hundred pound man in a corset shows up on your doorstep, everybody loses.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

-Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Avalanche
Music: Two Door Cinema Club


Also, I wrote a very small short story that got posted over at The Indie Chicks. Check it out if you can. I don't like to brag, but it doesn't suck.

Short story awesomeness here

Oh, and if you haven't checked out Youngman Brown, seriously, do it now. He is one funny dude. And if you stop by, tell him Brandon and Bryan sent you. He offers a free 30 minute deep tissue massage to all first time visitors.*

*This is 100% not true

51 comments:

  1. I wonder how many 300 pound men in corsets there are in Las Vegas. Probably a lot. I'm not horribly bad at poker, but I have a terrible poker face. I just can't stop myself from automatically reacting.

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  2. Yeah, I played poker on Tuesday drunk out of my mind but woke up to find I had won...or stolen the pot and ran away. Not much skill in something you can do successfully drunk. Haven't checked out Youngman Brown yet, but I'm off to do so now.

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  3. I will not play poker if there is a beginner at the table...they catch all the cards and win every time. I don't understand it!

    Glad to see Youngman getting a shoutout. He is worthy of such!

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  4. Wow, I can only imagine the three of you out and about in Vegas-that would have been a riot to see!

    BTW, I love Youngman, he's a stand up Jersey dude, for sure.

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  5. Poker, feh. Whist is my game. And yet it doesn't attract the big money and big celebrities? I'll never understand life.

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  6. Hey, don't diss the bikers in lingerie! I'm sure they only wear it for the comfort factor ... and because it makes them feel pretty.

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  7. It's ok, I'm horrible at poker AND have no luck. I stopped playing for pennies with the hubby cuz he kept taking all my cash-should have sicked some sexy call girls on him to get my money back!

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  8. Speak for yourself! If a 300 pound hairy biker shows up on my doorstep in a corset my reaction would be more along the lines of "humina humina humina". But then I do have all these crazy hormones coursing though me and hoo-boy! Look out.

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  9. Not bad at poker most times, but a lot of it is luck. Can't say I've ever had such bikers come my way haha Pokemon and Full House in one post, that takes skill!

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  10. I never could get the hang of poker....but I I'd own the old Coed Naked shirt....Poker in the rear, liquor up front. Does that count as playing?

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  11. You made something I have no interest in funny. And then you added poker to the big bikers in lingerie. Well done.

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  12. Poker burqas are going to be the next big thing, thanks to you.

    I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

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  13. You know the saying "If it wasn't for bad luck, you would have none"? Yep, that's me. I steer clear of gambling for that very reason.

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  14. Apparently I'm a Wild Card in poker. People never know what I'm doing, and neither do I!

    I'm already a follower of Youngman. He is quite the hilarious dude.

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  15. We used to have weekly poker games, I am still not sure how to play but I won every time a bit of money. So any chance of pictures from that biker in a corset?

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  16. I need cartoon of Slim Dyson's french man-maid and this lingerie-corset-biker dude(tte).
    Having lot of wet dreams with these drag queens lately, Bryan and Brandon?
    Forget poker face, I cant even keep my mouth shut if I get good cards, I gotto shout it out loud to the world.
    Deep tissue massage? Sounds sexy??!!!

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  17. I'm not so good at poker. My face gives it away every time. Next time I will give the burqa a try.

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  18. I have no idea what hand beats what in poker, but I always do remarkably well when I play.

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  19. I'm alright at poker. We never play with money though so that's good. I play it with my boyfriend and my sisters...

    Sometimes just with my boyfriend ;)

    Yay Two Door Cinema Club.

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  20. Can't. Stop. Laughing. At. Image. Of. Bikers. In. Lingere.

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

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  21. HAAA! I wish I could play poker (no, i don't. i don't need to be poorer)

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  22. I used to play poker with some of my college buddies. As long as we were just playing for fun, I killed. When we played for money, though... well, that was another story. It really sucked.

    I don't understand that wrist thing. At all. It's bothering me, now, in fact, because I can't figure it out.

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  23. I have terrible luck when I play any game so my family loves to have me play any game unless it involves having me on their team. Then it's "no, I had mom on my team last time, you take her". Like I have the plague or something.

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  24. Hey, is there a link to the Indie Chicks site? And hate to tell you, but the first time I played poker (when I was 9), I got a flush.

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  25. My grandmother taught me how to play poker as a young'un. I was real good at foolin' dudes in college by playin' stupid and takin' all of their money.

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  26. I'm actually surprised you didn't draw the 300 pound bikers in lingerie. Just seems like a missed opportunity, 's all. :3

    As is, HOOOOO BOY, it's funny you've mentioned Poker - I'm gettin' back into tournament poker m'self, this time with an eye to keep at it rather than, y'know, lose the ability to walk for two years again. This time around I'm totally gonna rock from the locals to the casinos.

    Gotta get m'books back first though...Phil Gordon freakin' rules.

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  27. Wow that took a terrible turn for the worse there at the end.

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  28. I think there was a reference to burqas in the original version of Kenny Rogers' The Gambler.

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  29. Things were going pretty well right up to the end. I certainly wasn't expecting that at all. But hey, I got a free poker lesson even though I don't play, so yay!

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  30. I'm really good at Poker. Oh wait...I'm really good at GoFish. I suck at Poker.

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  31. I lost it at the burqa, that's a brilliant tactic.

    I have a friend who is great at Poker, maybe he should teach me additional tips.

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  32. I am packing my things and clearing out my savings as we speak.

    With these poker tips, there's no WAY I could lose!

    Thanks guys!

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  33. I wish I ever had luck in any kind of poker. I can bluff real good, but once people realize I NEVER have a hand, they start risking and winning because I never get anything worth while.

    And if I do, I'll have folded it because it -seemed- like an unlikely win. What f***ery

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  34. The only time I was in Vegas, I just played the slot machines, because I was too nervous to play a real game of any sort. I need poker lessons, too! Sad thing is, though, I'd be jotting the rules down in a notebook for real and then I'd take it with me to play and have to tell everyone, "hold on a minute" while I looked up something I was confused about. Cause I'm super smart and incredibly cool :)

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  35. When are you going to post 'THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO PICKING UP TRASHY CHICKS'? Now that's something I could really put to good use.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  36. Youngman's such a good sport, even here at ABFTS. The man has the midas touch, even in cards. I'm going to check out the short story greatness as well. Keep grinding out the awesomeness, B&B.

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  37. I love a good game of classic style poker. I never played for anything of value, but just for fun and in video games. I can't stand the Texas holdem version.

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  38. I'm not a fan of poker. Even though I can calculate probability I can be "read like a book". It doesn't help that I can't stop counting on my fingers...

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  39. I'm more of Brandon than a Bryan in this situation.

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  40. The first time I played poker we didn't play for money. Instead, the loser had to down a shot of whiskey. Considering that I didn't know the rule, 90% of the whiskey was downed by me. I've never played it again.

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  41. You should have had a warning on the level of awesome included in this post. Bringing Youngman in as an expert is genius. That guy is pretty freaking kick ass.

    We should all get together and play poker...I'm shit at it too so it would be an all around cluster fuck of ridiculousness.

    Thanks for The Indie Chicks shout out. Thanks to you though I had nightmares about bikers in corsets. *shiver*

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  42. I hope you didn't lose all your book proceeds on poker! :) Love the game and Texan Holdem. Give me cards, popcorn and beer and I'm yours...for the evening...playing cards.

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  43. ahah that comic is so on the money! know this guy that some years ago when playing against him when he wanted to make us go all in he wouldn't even look at his game! he always won

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  44. That is too hilarious. I have the absolute worst poker luck. I learned a long time ago to follow the advice of the computer from WarGames, "The only way to win, is not to play." Course I always felt that computer was coming on to Matthew Broderick, which suggests an alternative meaning behind that statement.

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  45. Awesome job guys! Thanks for the guest appearance and the shout-out!

    Also remember to blame the dealer when your opponents win.

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  46. Points awarded for a story involving probability and numbers without introducing an asian element into the equation. Huzzah!

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  47. I actually just hosted poker night on Friday. I got slow played by the girl with the batty eyelashes asking beginner questions while holding pocket aces.

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  48. Thanks for commenting on my blog, I think you have a pretty funny one, will be following. :)

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  49. Yay for youngman brown-I love that guy!
    And the evolution of your poker face outfit was awesome

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